There are men who do not understand the word 'bye'. They cannot put up with the fact that you made the decision to go your way without him and decide to put any barriers preventing you continue your life alone, especially when someone comes you smile back. Every woman, at some point in life has had to endure such heavy ex unable to accept NO for an answer and keep the strange hope of returning, even without giving any hint of illusion. But what happens when the annoying fly becomes paranoid and aggressive predator capable of taking action?
We never know, no one can assure us, if our ex boyfriend, ex, ex lover, ex-husband ... stereotypical man, and even a bit shy, can perform any action that might endanger our physical or mental health. No one can assure us that we're not signing our death warrant by saying 'Yes, I do.’
His profile
Whether aggressive or not, all men have something in common: when they become obsessed with what they see or think they see, they have a single idea in mind: to restore the relationship. Over time, many get tired or set another target in their sight and decide to leave. But the most persistent and desperate may change their attitude mutating from love to hate and then to revenge: "if you're not mine, you are not anyone’s."
The stalker ex boyfriend is dangerous. You should never play with his feelings because he does not know how to react. You should always watch out for yourself, for whom you go out with, for who you talk to, for which co-worker invites you out for a beer and so on. Suddenly, you see him. In the most unexpected way they like simulating a casual encounter. Remember, he can flatter you or try to scare all your suitors away, especially if they want to start a relationship with you. So what? You should always react well and never take him into consideration unless the situation is very bad.
Personality
A rejected persecutor man generally gets to have high levels of narcissism and jealousy, feelings of humiliation and dependence and deficiency in social skills. These people are very persistent and it is easy to pass from the 'good vibes' to threatening, persecuting and even attacking.
Forms of harassment
There is a child-like bullying plan based on sending you flowers, looking for you at work, encouraging you when you're down, inviting you to a nice restaurant ... only as friends! There is also explicit and violent harassment such as text messages threatening to damage your property, extreme vigilance, aggression ... The 'light' stalker is less dangerous and more manageable, though just as difficult. They are like the 'Duracell' rabbits which never run out of batteries. You just need to keep away from his path or someone needs to get in his way in order to get rid of him. In the latter case, you can be certain that they are no longer too interested in your life and that they found someone else to focus on.
But the challenger, who watches your moves and sits silently, constantly making phone calls or leaving small 'warnings' of his presence, can become your worst nightmare.
Stalking
The new technologies have given birth to a new type of stalker, the one who has all the necessary tools to get what he wants. This form of harassment is known in psychology as stalking. E-mails, sms, chat, phone calls ... an insistence that would drive anyone crazy. You must not lose sight of a former that uses the latest 'gadgets' to silently show his presence. The stalking begins as a nuisance and then, it gradually becomes a fear, ending up being a nightmare.
How to act?
Victims who have been harassed by a former boyfriend agree that their social relations suffered a major negative development during this 'persecution mania'. They used to avoid going to events or special occasions for fear that their ex-boyfriends would be there. Their friends told them that they were not doing enough to end the situation or that they were encouraged by it. They even had to endure their new partner’s jealousy of the excessive attention paid to the previous relationship. In more extreme cases, the fear of suffering any damage determined these women to change their jobs and residence, for fear of becoming victims of violence. And the worst of all, seeing no apparent results, they had to endure the feeling of not doing things right, since things appeared to get worse with every step.
What I can do?
Stress, anxiety, irritability, poor concentration, insomnia and fatigue are just some of the effects of an untenable bullying situation. Ending it is everyone's responsibility: first, the victim should not take these reactions into consideration too much and she should never feel flattered by 'these attentions'. Secondly, there is the society, which educates men and women alike to eliminate certain vocabulary. Thirdly, there is the law, police and social workers, in severe cases.
According to experts, the most common mistakes we make with the 'ex' are related to being insistent on ignoring them, for better or for worse. For example, women still maintain sexual encounters with them for convenience. They prefer their ex 'rather than a stranger', we thought. But this stops anyone from getting over their last relationship. Also, allowing dialogue, addressing your messages, returning the cards even without opening them means that you are paying attention. The solution: "The greatest contempt is to not appreciate". This is a Castilian proverb that comes 'like a glove' in these situations. And the sooner, the better. It is never easy for your former partner to leave this relationship as he also invested time and money in it.
In extreme situations
There are extreme situations in which it is essential to follow a pattern of behavior to maintain the physical integrity, even if it a change of life is needed. The first thing to do when you feel a sense of danger is to complain. From there, these little rules can help in your everyday life:
- Change the routine. Use different routes to get to work or to go home;
- Keep your co-workers alert about the situation. You can even show them a photo of your ex;
- Park the car in well-lit areas and ask someone to accompany you;
- If you feel that you are stalked, go to a police station, shopping mall or some other crowded places.
You can call for attention to avoid him stopping near you;
- Keep all the doors and windows in your home locked;
- You can ask to install a caller ID service, which will serve as evidence in a harassment complaint;
- Take every threat seriously, whether written or oral. Call the police and collect all relevant information
and documentation;.
- Never provide personal information in places where you can be heard; and
- Develop a safety plan for you and your family in case things get complicated. That is establishing a safe
place to visit or call someone when problems occur.
