A lot of research has been done on divorce and on the phases of divorce, especially on the pre-divorce period. In general, the divorce can be the final phase of the period after separation and it can be decided in court.
In most cases, the separation is initiated by the wife. Generally, one spouse moves out from the shared home and lives. In many cases, temporary accommodation with relatives or friends come first.
Sometimes, he moves around several times in the first period, until he finally sets up permanently in an apartment or a house. Occasionally, both partners must also look for new housing. If they cannot cover their current home costs than alternative arrangements must be pursued.
In a few cases, which are particularly frequent in areas with housing shortages and high rents, the spouses are forced to deal with "Family Matters." This creates a very unnatural, tense, and emotionally stressful situation.
The two partners communicate little with one another as they often find themselves in conflict situations. As they gain little distance from each other, the probability that they develop an acceptable relationship over time is very low. Children living in these families often suffer greatly from this situation that is incomprehensible to them. They are easily drawn into conflicts.
A separation brings many changes in the psychological, social, financial and business environments. Their lifestyle, habits, roles, self-image change and the interpersonal environment behaves differently towards them. Each separate survivor responds to these changes in a very individual and unique way. The reactions are probably typical of many. They connect with the individual, but to a different extent in amount and duration. Generally, they are strongly influenced by the type of separation they suffer.
It is of great importance whether this occurred as a surprise or after long discussions and arguments, whether it was decided jointly or unilaterally and whether a third party (lover) is involved or not. For example, the initiator of the separation generally has fewer problems because they wanted this situation, but the other has not had time to mentally adjust to it and could not make the necessary preparations. They can experience a purely emotional level, but the "abandoned" partner experience does not.
Perhaps, the spouse has had an extramarital relationship or they cared little because of work-related reasons. They may still have a strong bond and feel intense positive emotions, so their reactions are different from those of the deserted partner.
Since gender, age and the particular phase of life and family life cycle influence the consequences of the separation, it is essential to find these factors in the following description of particular importance. Of great importance is also whether there are children living in the family or not.
In the latter case, most of the partners experience fewer problems, as they are living separately and do not need any further cooperation, so they are not forced to restructure their relationship. The consequences of the separation are also to a large extent determined by which layer belongs to the family and whether both spouses are (fully) employed or not.
Many spouses have problems accepting the end of their marriage after the separation. This is especially true for people who still have positive feelings for their partner despite of the last few months, but they experience them relatively quietly. The very lonely and insecure only blame the husband or a third party for the separation and for the new situation or they are exposed to a lot of criticism, which comes for their network of friends.
Even the initiator often doubts that the decision they made was right. They also like developing strong feelings of guilt because they caused the breakup of their family and other family members also have to experience so much pain. But they mostly feel relief that they have put their intention to separate into practice. They now accept the resulting situation, their future looks quite positive and they even like looking towards their single life.
It is particularly difficult for their partner to accept the end of their marriage because they did not see it coming. They cannot understand their spouse’s decision and they feel rejected. They often initially deny this situation, which is incomprehensible for them, then go through a phase of protest and eventually sink into deep despair. Sometimes, they also hope to win the affection caused by certain behaviors of the partner again. If this fails, they feel powerless and helpless. They cannot do anything but react with anger and hatred, behave aggressively towards the spouse and punish them. They sometimes manifest themselves very aggressively and, in some cases, they do not even shy away from a murder attempt. Of course, the partner reacts brutally. There are so many children who are witnesses to violence between their parents.
If you ask adults about how they feel after separating, they will tell you that they experience pain, sadness, emotional numbness, self-pity, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, insecurity, anger, hatred, bitterness, revenge, aggression, feelings of inferiority, self-doubt and that they also have feelings of guilt. It usually takes time for these long and emotional states to change in type and intensity. Emotions are also often experienced the opposite way. The above feelings can easily lead to recklessness and irrational behavior. Dealing with them takes a professional performance. Furthermore, psychological and psychosomatic disorders are often reported. Generally, sleep disturbances, fatigue, apathy, nervousness, irritability, headache, drug and substance abuse, increased alcohol and nicotine consumption, depression are also reported. According to various studies on accident rates with separated and divorced people, the suicide rates have increased, there is greater psychiatric morbidity and a larger than average susceptibility to disease is observed.
It should be noted, however, that besides the symptoms described, negative feelings and even opposite trends exist. For many people, there is an increase in self-esteem, satisfaction, internal energy and a sense of their own positive development, an improvement of health conditions, a decrease of sleep and a decrease of depression. This can be explained in several ways. For example, their subjective evaluation of the separation is of great importance in terms of their present and future views. Separation or divorce is primarily regarded as a chance for a fresh start and they should get over it relatively quickly. However, they consider it a violation of the divine order and their separation is seen as a result of their failure or as a sign that they are unlovable and not so unattractive and this causes them a lot of suffering. In addition, this person handles a situation better if they have a large repertoire of coping strategies and if there have been many critical life events which have been successfully addressed. A large role is played by the manner in which the separation situation is seen as far as the improvement of the experience of marriage is concerned. The separation process or the pre-divorce phase often results in psychological and psychosomatic disorders, in marital conflict, fear of the partner and similar charges are no longer of importance. Separately, some survivors get involved in a new intimate relationship and experience satisfaction and happiness. By contrast, individuals are more likely to suffer negative psychological consequences of the separation when they have insufficiently processed their loss, if they have invested a lot in their marriage, if there is a large state value or if they cannot cope with the challenges of the new situation experienced.
The network of contacts is also of great importance for the extent of the emotional well-being after the separation. The separated conceal their new life situation in front of their friends, colleagues and acquaintances, who may not support this and they are left alone when it comes to acknowledging their pain. The person in question may be solitary or may lose most of their friends and acquaintances during their marriage, as these friends had a closer relationship with the former partner and they take their side. Therefore, the separated will find little support and feel lonely. To what extent they find help in a differentiated network depends, to a large extent, on whether the family, friends and acquaintances agree of the separation or not. Regardless of the stand taken by the members of the family of origin, however, their blood relatives generally take their side and help them although they may not have been in the best relations during their marriage.
It is usually less important whether friends and acquaintances agree with the separation or not, but they usually choose one of the two partners and they can be guided by the intensity and quality of relations. They offer understanding and empathy to convey feelings of safety and security; they help with moving out, with searching for a job, with household chores and childcare just to enable satisfactory leisure time and to make them try to establish new partnerships. Sometimes, partners living separately also experience exaggerated compassion and willingness to help from relatives and friends. They too will soon feel strange in the company of married couples. Thus, the contact with married friends decreases rapidly after the separation (especially women), at least for a few months. Separately, the survivors begin to expand their shrunken network. They make new ones, especially with singles and divorcees. They change their self-concept and take more and more pleasure living alone (or single parent). At the same time, they change their lifestyle and they develop new life goals and content.
New partner relationships
The separately living partners usually have relatively little contact with sexual partners in the first month or two after the split, if they do not continue with an extramarital relationship. They are often not clear whether the divorce is final and whether they are free to get involved in new relationships. Most of them begin their search within six months after splitting with the partner. However, there are also exceptions, those who feel strong ties to the spouse and have intense feelings (their suffering, self-knowledge, the working up of the past, etc.) or who are employed in the relationship with their children, having developed a strong distrust of the other sex or being afraid of rejection or failure again.
Many people, especially if those who were married for a long time, feel very unsafe in finding partners. They often do not know where they could meet potential partners and how to contact them. They too often doubt that they can come across other people that are (sexually) attractive. Their fears, doubts and guilt feelings often manifest themselves in new relationships in the form of sexual problems.
Generally, multiple patterns can be observed in the search for partners. Many separately living partners live a "second adolescence". They frequently change their partner and experiment different expressions of sexuality. They wish to be proved that they are desirable and that they can still keep up with younger competitors so they often look for a younger partner. Those survivors who think of themselves as less attractive and lovable or who have a lower level of aspiration because of their prior experience also accept sexual partners with whom they normally would not get in contact. As rapidly changing sexual relations do not satisfy their need for intimacy and are often very disappointing and disillusioning, many change their sexual behavior very soon. The level of ambition also increases again in time. The singles then look for longer-term and intense relationships. Some change their behavior because they have large binding fears, so they do not take on new commitments or maybe want to raise their children alone.
In other cases, the partners find a narrow, intense and intimate relationship before the separation and go as soon as possible. They may forget that they experienced love, affection, understanding and empathy in their failed marriage. Many are also looking to start fresh with a new spouse, especially if they feel lonely and they cannot do anything by themselves or if they have physical problems or find it difficult to combine working and education. If they have children, they look for a partner that can do well with them and slowly integrate them into their family. Only rarely do they get married right after the divorce. Also, in some cases, an extra-marital relationship finally results in marriage.
Age and gender-specific differences
Below are some age and gender-specific differences which have been determined. When people, who are still relatively young, are only married for a short period of time and have no children, they fall back into the lifestyle of singles very quickly. They may have some problems with finding partners and have slight financial problems, which show a different picture than in the case of married couples who lived long together. In these cases, the separation is experienced as a major trauma and a loss of meaning in life, as the partners have invested a lot in their marriage. You can change their lifestyle, only with great difficulty, because there are many ingrained patterns of behavior and often a traditional division of labor in the family. Thus, many women are not gainfully employed and have few chances in the labor market due to their age and lack of experience, so they have to live on the maintenance payments received from their former husbands and often fall into financial difficulties and experience a great loss of status. It is also difficult for them to expand their shrunken network. Older men often experience the separation as a sign of personal failure. However, they mostly have a secure self-identity and better coping strategies than younger men. Also, they are well-established professionally and have access to differentiated networks.
It is generally difficult for separated partners to tell their children why they want to get a divorce after 20 years of marriage. However, they should be less concerned about their children, who are often already on their own and who are financially independent. In fact, there may be great problems when it comes to the relationships with parents and their relatives, as they do not forget that they had to overcome some very intense feelings. Also, there are many difficulties in the division of property because it can be quite large and many things feelings and memories are linked to it. A special situation arises when the spouse already lives in retirement. Then, the pension is shared (financial problems), the two are living separately and they are less adaptable. They will retire after the reduction occurring in the network further reinforced by the lack of understanding of children and grandchildren, which is large.
There are also different consequences for men and women after the separation. Thus, they first have great difficulties with financial management, especially with a traditional division of labor when they were still married. They are frustrated and angry with themselves, when simple household chores are not finished. Since cooking causes them problems, they worsen their diet. They also eat irregularly and often take meals at the snack bar or at the restaurant. In addition, they do not spend too much time at home because they feel uncomfortable or because they experience a feeling of loneliness. Therefore, they spend as much time outside the home as possible or lose themselves in work or nightlife. Of course, this situation changes if they learn something about financial management or if they have found a partner. In contrast to separated women, separated men are more likely to experience feelings of grief and pain, but not emotions like anger and hatred. They are also often surprised by the strength of their dependency needs. In most cases, it is difficult for them to talk to others about their emotional life, as this is contrary to the male gender role and because they often do not really have close relationships with their same-sex friends. Thus, they begin to find partners soon and are generally more successful than women, who are more easily trusted friends, however.
Women facing separation usually experience feelings of sadness, regret and fear, but they displace their aggressive impulses. Older women who have invested a lot in their family are often depressed because they lose their sense of life. Men often find it more difficult to assume their responsibilities very early, especially because they lived in families in which certain patterns of division of labor were practiced. They feel comfortable in their role as uncertain single, as they lack standards and rules about life after separation and they are particularly affected by the divorce (anomie). However, they develop a new lifestyle, new hobbies and leisure activities over time. Younger women expand their social network and return to the search for partners. They often change their appearance. For example, they put on makeup, opt for more modern hairstyles and dress in the latest fashion. Many women also neglect their appearance and take on weight.
Today, women are expected not even to feed themselves or take care of their small children if they have any. It is very difficult for older separated women to find an adequate place because they only acquired low professional training before their marriage. They often experience a strong socio-economic decline. Since their husband has defined their position and they only know how to do a single job, separation is the loss of a great status and self-depreciation at the same time for them. But the poorly paid part-time working women must cope with large losses in their standard of living. They have little money to supplement the home furnishings, leisure activities and holidays and they often need government assistance. Social decline, unemployment and material problems exacerbate the consequences of separation and lead to a poorer adaptation to the new situation. In addition, the lot of separated or divorced women without adequate training has often barely improved over time.
Younger women today have generally enjoyed a good education and have completed their training. Provided that they are no longer employed at the time of separation, it is easy for them to find a new job. They also have more opportunities for career progression, so that their material situation improves with time. Generally speaking, working women generally take their separation a lot better from a psychological point of view as the usual professional sphere provides continuity, their work provides satisfaction and they experience positive self-feelings. Also, financial emergencies rarely occur and they have many colleagues who provide understanding and help. Older working women often have even fewer problems after the separation, as their profession has taught them to take their destiny in their own hands and make decisions on their own.
Particularly problematic is the material and professional situation of living apart as children have needs and they must be met. This is mainly the problem with women. Since the children are generally still fairly young at the time of separation (most marriages divorce in the first decade), many mothers have abandoned their employment or have limited their part-time job opportunities. In the first case, they find it very difficult to get employed because of their situation and are often long unemployed. However, in the second case, they often have to start looking for work if their income is very low. The poor material situation means that many mothers have to visit the social welfare office after they separate. They often experience this transition as a humiliation, insult and manifestation of the failure. Moreover, it is often the case that the debtor only partially fulfills his obligations. However, there are certain conditions and acts which can help the children younger than twelve years old and this helps the mothers a lot.
Employed persons living separately with children probably have fewer financial problems, but are often overloaded and have reached the end of their mental and physical powers. This is especially true for those people who have to work again at the time of separation. Thus, the family first leaves a disorganized impression. The house looks messy and unkempt, the family members eat irregularly and rarely together, bedtime is not respected and the children are late for kindergarten or school. The care of small children also has its difficulties, due to the lack of places in kindergartens and nurseries and since the opening times of these facilities are often too short. Schoolchildren have a very difficult schedule in school and their holidays are too short, given how exhausted they are during the school year.
A further complication is that many mothers often move with their children after separation. Very often, they move from rural to urban areas because there are more job opportunities for women there and because of the childcare in the city. Also, they move to town because of the discrimination they have to face in the village or in small towns. However, they are confronted with prejudice and discrimination in finding housing even in larger cities. In most cases, it takes a long time before they can dissociate from the negative attitude of their environment. Then, after moving in, they do not leave their apartment very often because their separation has left them with feelings of loneliness and they prefer their isolation. However, when it comes to work, these emotions are not so frequently encountered, but they are very frequently encountered with mothers who simply move, but do not find a job. They have little contact with other adults and few recreational opportunities. In addition, the mothers often feel unattractive and, therefore, they invest low energy in the search for partners.
A problematic situation may arise when those living separately with children are dragged to their parents. Their welfare problems are financial in nature and they have largely resolved those having to do with childcare, as well as their new situation, but there is still a lot of conflict in the middle as grandmothers and mothers often compete with each other when it comes to who can best educate the children. In many cases, it also comes to disputes if they practice or favor different parenting styles. Moreover, some reject the idea of grandmothers punishing their grandchildren. Even if this has been a positive relationship, they often feel that living with them is stressful and sometimes overwhelming. They have more work experience with the negative sides of their grandchildren and they often come in conflict with them. Finally, they have a problem if the mothers take a subsidiary role again and much of their educational function is transferred. They, then become their children’s "older sisters", who often have orientation problems, experience loyalty conflicts or get the impression that they have also lost the other parent now. Of course, this situation can also develop a more positive relationship, such as when the grandparents catch a lot of the problems resulting from the separation and the children get lots of love, understanding and empathy.
Finally, here is a brief insight on the situation of custodial fathers, their number constantly increasing. They experience problems similar to the one described above. They have to deal with a lot of complications, but their main problem is that they are very poor educators or they are very poorly prepared for the role of the main educators of the children since it is the mothers who exercise the largest part of the education function in most families. Thus, the fathers often learn of the first tasks of daily care, maintenance and education of children. In addition, they may have a hard time, but they very rarely admit that they need help in a certain field. Many fathers in this situation are looking intensively for a new partner to load them off the child-rearing and household chores. They can manage with a high income, but they need more time as they adjust to a nanny, for example. These fathers have to provide everything for their young children and therefore have to abandon their profession, experiencing a very strong economic and social decline. They often feel ostracized by their environment.
The relationship between the separated spouses
The relationship with the former partner is also of great importance for the psychological well-being. It must be individually determined and active, as this role is not defined by society. A further complication is that the social environment regards contacts between former spouses as very negative initiatives. However, it is possible for many people to build a little stressful relationship with the former partner after the separation. This is particularly often in case they have jointly decided to divorce and broke up without any major conflicts. They can usually make rational decisions on the division of property, the maintenance arrangements and the education of the children (custody).
The ones separated often still have strong positive feelings for each other. These are the cases in which it becomes clear how strong the ties to the former spouse may still be. Men in particular often realize only their dependency needs now, needs they were not aware of during the separation itself. Many initiators shall be surprised by the fact that they miss their former partner and feel alone. In addition, certain situations and objects always arouse the memory of the former partner. It is clear that the separation situation is particularly stressful for people with intense bonds and remaining positive feelings.
The well-being of two former partners living separately is certainly greatly impaired if there are frequent disputes with the former partner. Negative emotions often break out violently, there is a lack of discernment, the behavior easily gets out of control and each question to be addressed leads to a power struggle. There are often communication problems (such as mismatch or lack of response), so they communicate through third parties, who distort the messages easily and can cause an escalation of the conflict. Many separated people think the worst about their former partner, meet them with deep suspicion and put the blame for the separation on them, as well as all the difficulties they currently have to face.
In these conditions, many of the different pending questions of the separation cannot be resolved rationally. Nevertheless, preliminary arrangements regarding the division of property are made, as well arrangements regarding the spouse or child maintenance and the fate of the children (custody and visitation rights). In such cases, the situation is often resolved with the involvement of lawyers, courts and youth services only. Thus, a lot of the conflicts are played on the backs of the children. The parent with whom the children live may try to prevent contact with the absent parent (visits, letters, telephone calls) as the former partner has paid no or only a portion of the maintenance, they pay the amount to the account very late or they have not complied with the visitation schedule. It is also often so because the former spouse does not recognize their parental rights when it comes to education of lifestyle or refuses to give them the opportunity to express their anger. Also, the present parent may often not accept that the children love the absent parent or they are concerned that they could lose them to the absent parent.
Divorce
The second phase is the divorce phase, consisting of the divorce, the divorce proceedings and the time when the divorce decree is pronounced. The method of separate divorce cases and appeals can be well integrated into the post-divorce phase. In general, each separated spouse hires a lawyer to exercise their rights. The representative of the "opposition" thinks he is trying to achieve the best possible results for his party and fails to consider the welfare of the entire family system and rather marginalizes the children. The situation is almost the same on the other side when it comes to the interests and the way the lawyer does his job. This way, there is a polarization and escalation of the conflict. Unrealistic expectations often arouse or the court is left with the impression that one of the partners cheated on the other or lied to them. Sometimes clients will be encouraged to withhold certain information, for example or they are required not to provide claims in order to achieve a better outcome. For example, a father shall apply for sole custody of his children although he does not want it. Thus, he provokes a conflict with the mother and they both fight for the legal consequences of the divorce from this point of view.
It is obvious that such legal procedures and recommendations of lawyers lead to a deterioration of the relationship between the estranged partners. This situation is often exacerbated by the fact that spouses in divorce cases use this to get partners to retaliate against them, hurting them and humiliating them or getting them to lose their self-esteem in order to win ("The judge thinks I would be a better parent"). Even if a spouse does not agree with divorcing their partner, there are other reasons there in addition to the obvious ones, such as fear of the consequences of the divorce, persistent love, hope for reconciliation or religiously-based belief in a marriage for life. There are often negative images based on anger and revenge, the desire to punish the partner for their infidelity, disappointment, the desire to prevent the partner, their will to enforce disappointment and so on. Such motives and their underlying emotions and psychological conflicts are usually ignored by lawyers.
The complicating factor is that lawyers often have to make a compromise between the estranged parents and the former spouses can only do that if they ask the opinion of another party or if they have their lawyer to communicate with. Thus, the deteriorating relationship between the spouses may also have made it impossible to reach reconciliation. Also, lawyers tend to not be able or willing write down the psychological problems of their clients and the general process involved in the separation.
In Germany, therefore, they are more willing to send them to divorce mediators ("agents") to help them to make the necessary contractual divorce agreements jointly and responsibly and settle the situation. Since many divorce cases settle before the start of the process (due to the lawyers) or in the process, the two former spouses should have a few dates with the mediator before the divorce proceedings, so that everything to be already negotiated separately by the time they reach the family courts. This is particularly true for the cases of divorce agreements.
At the beginning of the separation process, many fathers play with the idea of applying for custody of their children, but few make an application after all. The "new" law on joint custody as a rule has resulted in probably most of the cases. Both parents are awarded custody now, yet most children continue to live with their divorced mothers. In some cases, both parents fight for sole custody because of or for tactical reasons or for the following motives: love of children, strong ties, a desire for continuity in one's life, preservation of positive self-image as a parent, protection against loneliness by the presence of children, guilt, revenge, power struggles, inability to recognize the partner as a good parent and so on. In such cases, a bitter battle over custody is fought and all the children suffer from it. They feel torn between both parents, they come in strong loyalty conflicts and they have difficulties in maintaining their relationships with both parents.
In disputed custody cases, the opinion of the youth office has a special significance in the framework of the family court assistance procedures, both when it comes to who should get the custody of the children and who should get what further rights. The Youth Office is good as competent authority and it represents the interests of the children very well. It examines the living conditions of both parents, the quality of each parent-child relationship, the strength of the bonds, the parenting skills of parents and their personality. In the family court, the relevant material is then compiled properly into a report that also contains a proposal for the custody decision and related forecasts.
The problem is that the employees of this agency may find it difficult to collect reliable information other than what is commonly known. The parents behave strategically in the employee’s presence, thus only showing their best sides and making the other party look bad, while the children are often biased or intimidated. Even the employees of this agency are often overloaded with responsibility and inadequately trained.
There are often contentious procedures involved, whereby expert judges and those appointed by the family take the reigns. There are usually a psychologist who has intensive discussions with the parents and the children and family and child psychological tests (even projective type) are used to observe the behavior of the family members. They may also seek information from third parties.
Given their experience of using different methods and multiple sources, their advice is usually more reliable than that provided by the youth welfare office employee, who has more of a second-rate professional experience. However, even these experts come to different conclusions because they may follow different theories, different attitudes to the custody of alternatives or otherwise interpret data.
In some cases, the family has jurisdiction over the pension credits, marital property issues, the allocation of the household and to decide who gets to remain in the former joint home. The regulation of maintenance payments is of particular importance. Children and women are often not that privileged. This experience can lead to a much sharper decline in their standard of living than for divorced women and poverty often occurs.
On the one hand, the men usually "assign part of their income to their wives and children" one day and, the other day, the divorced women have to feed the children themselves and to take part of the costs on themselves, as it is expected. It is not taken into account that women generally have lower incomes than men, especially when they return on the labor market after their extended career break.
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