- When does the person we have so many expectations from and so many dreams with leave us?
- How do we face situations like these?, How do we live our life from that moment on?
- This is a very difficult and painful process, there are many fears, insecurities, disappointments,
resentments and the pain can be very deep.
Why do we feel so much pain? The vast majority believes that we feel so bad because we have lost the person that made us happy or the person gave us security, love or company. But what if this is not the real cause of our pain? What if it is up to us to feel good regardless of whether that person is or is not on our side?
This is why I invite you to follow these 5 steps:
1.Write down the thoughts that appear in your mind when you feel bad. What is it that your mind tells you? It might say things like: they should not be happy either, I am not sufficiently good at having a relationship, being alone is very difficult and sad, I need someone beside me in order to be happy, someone is gone better than me, what will the others will think of me, I cannot find someone else, there's something wrong with me. Note the painful and stressful thoughts that appear, thoughts you are often unaware of. No wonder we feel like we do when we have such thoughts.
2.Question these thoughts and see if they are painful and if they are true? If you allow yourself to question the veracity of what your mind tells you, you will realize that, in reality, what makes you suffer is not the fact that the person is gone, but what you think that means, the story behind the fact that they left... Ask yourself if it is true, if you know that it's true. Are you absolutely certain? Please answer with a simple yes or no. You cannot be happy without him or her, that you're not good enough because your partner is gone. It is very difficult and sad to be alone, so what do you need? Do you need to have someone by your side oin order to be happy. What if they go with someone better than you? The others will think badly of you, you cannot find someone else, there's something wrong with you and that is why they are gone and so on. When these thoughts invade your mind, it is a sign that are truly suffering and you are wrong. You can only be fine when you do not believe these thoughts or when you do not we have these thoughts anymore.
3.Give it a try; try to see how your life would be without these thoughts overwhelming you? Try to imagine how your life would be if you did not have those thoughts in your head. This may be very difficult at first. It is very likely that you are at peace and even relaxed and enjoying every moment of your life.
If this is hard for you, note how your mood changes and how any of these thoughts of yours make you sad or angry. Also, notice or remember how you feel in those moments when you forget about the issue and think about other things or when someone calls you and you get distracted or you just forgot about the rupture for a moment. Can you see how it changes your life and your mood? Can you see how your mood varies depending on your thoughts?
4.Looking for evidence regarding the way you can think and the way you can stop suffering? This is key, because it helps you to verify whether what you think and makes you suffer is true or not. "Can you not be happy without your partner? Would anything else make you happier?" Look for evidence. Here are some examples:
A) you cannot know the future and, therefore, you cannot know how you will feel later;
B) if that person did not know that you needed to be happy, why should you make the same mistake now?;
C) think about your previous relationships that have ended and about how you could be happy again after those or think of people around you who have had similar experiences and succeeded in being happy again after a breakup.
Find your own tests. When we allow ourselves to see what really affects us and we discover that the other person does not fit in the stories we are experiencing, we can see that there is something we can do about it, that we can work everything out and that we can ask ourselves what are the thoughts that cause us so much pain?
5.And instead of thinking over and over again on everything negative, you should think of what it means that that person is gone, so I invite you to think about all the reasons why your life is even better now thanks to this experience. And though it may seem difficult to even open to this possibility and ask yourselves if what you really want is to be well, I highly recommend you to reflect on this.
Note that you may have asked yourself why did God or the universe (whatever you call it), who or which is so kind and loving, choose this experience for you?, Why is your life different than that of those around you and why is the world better because of this experience?
Make a list with all the things that affect you because this can really help you get your welfare. Maybe you can appreciate what is going on and you'll have more time for yourself, so you can resume or start doing things you love and you had put aside. You no longer have the discussions you had, you can read the books you have always wanted to read, watch the shows that you like, attribute time and attention to those you did not really take into account before and put yourself first again.
What about how the lives of others could be better because of this, as your family and friends can enjoy more of your company now, as you'll have more time for them? What about how the world will be better because of this? You may need more time to be of service to others or you can devote more time to develop your creativity and help others. These are just some examples; you are looking for reasons that are valid for you, which can make you feel better, although they may be very simple.
The thing is that we may see things that seem so terrible and negative, but that usually aren’t. You just have to welcome them with acceptance, curiosity and even enthusiasm and see that your life continues and that your life without a partner can be as good as you allow it to be.
The more you cling to something that is not better, you suffer more. You cannot control how other people act, but how do you feel about it? The reality is that, you can live in two ways at this time, regardless of whether the person you want is next to you or not: with suffering, pain and resentment or you can accept or love this new stage of your life, make the best of it, enjoy the company and appreciate the rewards this brings and the new experience. So, what do you choose?
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