How to Talk to Children

Divorce is a painful ordeal for children. Caution is needed in order not to inflame an already delicate situation. Here is Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun’s advice, a pediatrician’s.

Unambiguously explain the separation

The announcement of a divorce is often preceded by a period of tension in the family. Even if children do not yet know their parents’ decision, they feel this conflict and suffer because of it. We must therefore explain the separation, put it into words that calm the children’s fears, so here is some so-called divorce advice for men and women related to this aspect. "Theoretically, the ideal situation is to explain the separation when all the children and both parents are present, so that all hear the same speech", said Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. Often, children witness the disputes and feel guilty and responsible for the parental discord. Everything has to be clear from this point of view: "The first thing to explain is that a man and a woman can no longer love each other, but their love for their children remains unchanged," says the pediatrician.

Speak clearly about the future

The young children need strong benchmarks. A divorce inevitably changes their lifestyle, so parents should enlighten them about their daily lives to come as much as possible. "We need to talk about concrete aspects of their life: what room they will have, what school they will be registered in", says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. Explaining the rotation pattern is just as important: "The child must know when they will be with their father and when they will be with their mother, not to mention that they need to know how will spend their birthdays or Christmas: they are moments of their lives and they need to build them". In older children, teens especially, the situation is somewhat different. Everything depends on the relationship that parents have with them and they generally have more freedom of choice. But again, divorce does not mean no rules. "While the teen may choose their type of guard, you have to be careful not to be more permissive than the other parent. A framework is also needed".

Do not denigrate the other parent

Sometimes, the parents’ disagreement is such that the reconciliation is difficult and resentment and hatred can complicate the explanations given to children. "Of course, the best thing to do is not to criticize each other", says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. But this is not always simple. " We should try to separate the man or woman of her parenting when speaking to the children. He / she has made mistakes towards the other adult, but must preserve their role as a parent: he / she remains a good father / mother. "It is human nature to criticize your spouse when the divorce goes wrong, in spite of all the legal divorce advice, but you should try to do it with your friends, away from the children. "I know it's sometimes very difficult to manage, says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun, but the adult must show the child that they remain the center of their life and not just by saying so, but also by showing strong signs of love.”