Many of the facts and arguments presented below explain the difference between normal jealousy and morbid jealousy. Find out which it is that you and partner experience and work on it!
Jealousy is an intense feeling that arises when you experience an excessive desire to possess a loved one, friend or children exclusively."
According to many experts, jealous people have a distorted, wrong thinking, because although they love someone, they can never possess them because it is not a matter of private property since we are talking about people.
Fear of losing the other person
It has always been said that jealousy is due to a person’s emotional insecurity. However, this is not true in most cases. Jealousy is almost always normal and not pathological, because it is the result of a third real factor that disturbs the balance of the relationship.
Normal jealousy is justified because we are invaded by a feeling of discomfort that your partner expresses, an exaggerated attraction felt by someone else other than us. Jealousy is a real fear of losing a partner and our response to perceiving some danger in our relationship. Our life together gives us many satisfactions and it is natural to feel dominated by the rage at the thought of losing this valuable relationship and how to divorce or break up.
- An example: when your partner confesses that he felt attracted to someone you just met and began to reel off about why he is attracted to you: "... beautiful home, has lovely eyes, is very intelligent ... talks well ... seems very sensible ...". It is good that our partner tells us what he thinks of others, his thoughts, emotions and it must be clear that we can generate a jealous reaction (it is normal since we think we can lose that person), because at that time we proceed as follows: Thoughts: I like this person more than myself, he no longer finds me attractive, he can fall in love with her, he appreciates her more than me ....; and then a transient feeling of anxiety begins to take over ... which is anchored in the moment and doesn’t go away. That may be a "normal" reaction and that would be further standardized by speaking with your partner and sharing feelings about the issue that has occurred. That is a good antidote and, if handled well, it can lead to a reaffirmation of the couple.
A harmful exaltation
On the other hand, the jealousy is pathological when the threat is only imagined and invented by this third factor. The problem is when the intensity of the anger and jealousy exceeds the normal limits, because these attacks of rage and pain erode the relationship and make it feel like hell, creating a shadow over love. Jealousy can lead to domestic violence and crimes of passion.
The problem is that the person feels a pathological jealousy towards all the members of their family and sees their partner as a possession. They believe their body and feelings belong to them. When a person is jealous, it is because they see their partner as something that belongs to them. Jealousy can arise because we fail to see our partner as a subject and begin to see them as an object we possess. Jealousy and infidelity are not characteristic of human beings, but are learned behaviors.
A person jealous 'beyond measure' is ...
- someone who relates to the other with difficulty;
- someone who has difficulties assessing their personal values and who only succeeds in assessing the other’s;
- someone who depends on the other emotionally;
- someone who has difficulty growing emotionally; and
- someone who has difficulty building a relationship based on acceptance and trust.
If you see your partner experiences exaggerated and morbid jealousy, do not be fooled, do not think that's their expression of intense love for you, do not accept it as something tolerable or normal, because it will eventually destroy your relationship.
You walk with care
The man or woman will begin to distrust you and the jealousy will go away, until there is no communication and no dialogue. Jealousy may reach such a degree that it prohibits or prevents you from doing certain things, from talking to others and you may be monitored because the other thinks you are cheating on them. Use strategies that are not openly prohibitive, but they will make you feel bad if you do - emotional blackmail, anger, fights...
In many cases, morbid jealousy leads to continued physical and psychological violence, and even to one partner killing the other. The attacks of jealousy are the most common cause of spousal homicides and a determining factor in nearly 20% of all violent attacks in developed countries. Specialists in this area claim that jealousy is a predecessor state of psychosis and it can become delirious, as well as disturb one’s sense of reality.
Four types of jealous behavior:
Jealousy manifests: This is when, for example, your partner is suspicious of your loyalty and asks you about your co-workers, when they cannot stand you being near your friends or when you look to someone other than them. Also, they suspect you when you don’t answer their questions. If you respond, you get into a spiral that never solves the problem, but increases it for the future ...
Hidden jealousy: It is when, for example, when you have jealous and hostile attitudes, such as criticizing or nagging your partner, who is a man or woman highly respected in their profession, and you feel you get more power over him / her and that they are superior to you in some way. It is very often encountered in relationships that are based on certain equality.
Exaggerated jealousy: It is when there has been no infidelity, the couple was not emotionally close to another person, i.e. there is no apparent reason. (There may be actual or apparent reasons).
Pathological jealousy: It's when you get to prosecute or even to watch the couple.
Restore the reporting of the couple:
- If you are a victim of your partner’s irrational jealousy, you should not consent to their emotional blackmail
or give in to requests which restrict your freedom or allow violent or aggressive behavior on their part; and
- If you're the jealous one and you want to overcome this problem, follow these tips from the experts:
1. The only thing you can do to end this situation is the psychologist or rupture. No doubt about it. How many times has the jealous one said that it was the last time, that they wouldn’t do it again? Have you never distrusted your partner so much that you were absurd?
2. Analyze at what times and in what situations you act jealous or think of what you would feel and what you would do in a particular situation. The thoughts come into your head automatically and we have described an example before. Describe (if necessary and record on paper then talk to your partner or to a professional) what you feel at the moment (anger, resentment, aggression, revenge ... like breaking the relationship...). Then, describe your behavior in that situation. (investigation, complaint, punching)
3. Talk to your partner and tell them what you feel and that you know that you are not acting with maturity and try to change something. Ask them to help you clearly see what is happening. Maybe your jealousy is related to your partner’s behavior and you have a real basis for your behavior (make an analysis of what happens in moments of maximum tension, but not quietly), but, more likely, it is just your imagination. If your partner talks to you about having this behavior or if it is true that there is another person in their life and they freely decide to tell you, talk with them because then, the problem is another.
4. Think that if your partner is with you, it is because they want to, so you do not have to compare yourself with anybody or compete with anyone. They think that jealousy destroys your relationship and separates you, so you should focus your energy in such a way that you find a solution for that not to happen and for you to control yourself.
5. Please be aware that the possession of the loved one is wrong in your relationship, you have to accept that your partner should be able to be alone or with others.
6. Jealousy also reflects an excessive dependency on the beloved one. Avoid this bond as a couple, allow them to continue interacting with others, pay off their interest in different people they know, let them carry out several activities on their own and open yourself to the opportunities that life is offering.
7. It works for your personal growth, your independence and your self-esteem, for example by developing activities that make you feel like home and comfortable, like writing, reading, dancing, going out with friends, playing sports, enrolling in courses, etc..
The measure provided by a competent professional psychologist
If jealousy is accompanied by violent behavior at home or at the office, come to a psychologist urgently and let them teach you how to control your jealousy. Although the jealous say that they will change, it is best to do so with the help of an appropriate professional. If you are a victim of your partner’s violent attitude, go to a help center immediately. Do not give them any other chance to manifest themselves because your life can be in danger.
It is important that you let yourself into the hands of a professional before the problem increases, because jealousy tends to grow if you continue to feed it. It can cause many problems and we may be forced to go through divorce mediation, in court and the rest of the nasty aspects of a divorce, but if we learn to have emotional control, we can replace it with more appropriate feelings and change our beliefs, attitudes and norms.
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