Should there be a review?
For Laurent Bavaria, president of the French Association of Solos, it all depends on the quality of the relationship. "I saw everything, even separated couples who were part of our association together!" In any case, the shrink says that "the failure is a situation of war, even when one believes that everything is well. It is normal and healthy to go through a phase of disenchantment. They then give up on any friendly relations."
Talking to the children
"Whatever their age, children should not be the last to know," advises Patrick Estrade. They feel that the situation is tense despite of all your efforts: this feeling is widespread, especially in the absence of words and it is more distressing than the announcement of a clear separation itself.
However, beware of preconceptions: even teenagers or young adults may be affected by this announcement. "One day, I saw a boy aged 18 in consultation, a boy who had told his parents that he would kill himself if they separated." So, be sure to maintain a cordial dialogue with children, keeping them away from hatred and quarrels that do not concern them.
What about the grandchildren?
It is important to continue to cultivate this emotional bond that is so strong and that you attach to the grandchildren. "The risk is that the children end up feeling guilty or acting like victims because of this situation," said Patrick Estrade.
Again, whatever their age, it is important to explain to them the new situation with simple words, insisting that this does not change the love you give them. You should know that justice guarantees a right of access for grandparents and you can still use the Internet, mail or telephone to tell them you're thinking of them.
What about the relationships with the in-laws?
After years of living together, you have obviously established a relationship with your stepfamily (stepparents, brothers, sisters-in-law). What about the relationships to be maintained after the separation has been consumed?
“Why could not they be maintained? However, it is better not to delude ourselves: every parent will tend to side with their child," said Patrick Estrade. He advises not to rush to announce the divorce of the parents. "Sometimes, the distance created by the very idea of separation allows a fresh start in the couple".
What about friends?
A divorce does not mean that one must draw a line after 20 or 30 years of friendship, regardless of the divorce grounds. However, the purpose should be qualified. "First of all," says Lawrence Bavaria, “there is something we should pay attention to when it comes to getting separated: it is in difficult times that we recognize the true friends. Some will turn their backs, others will enjoy criticizing your ex and you do not necessarily want to hear it. Furthermore, our friends often lead the same life as us: married with children... It is not so easy to be only "solo" among couples in the evenings after the divorce."
How long should you be sad?
Whether you are the one who leaves or the one who is left, separation means loss and, as noted by Patrick Estrade, "grief has five stages: the shock of the announcement or the decision-making, the anger or revolt, bargaining - when one tries to say that they could start otherwise - the depression or sadness and the acceptance." It is normal to feel blue for a while.
"If you continue to not want to go out after a few months and you go on crying and isolating yourself, you should talk. The subject of getting separated may be reopened in order for other injuries to be healed."
Should you move?
Why not move back home just in order to be able to turn the page? "Many of our members have returned to their home areas," observes Lawrence Bavaria.
However, this may be an opportunity to change the decor when removal is not possible (because of the children who are attached to the place or for material reasons). "Do not turn your living space into a memorial to the glory of your dead love. Instead, take the opportunity to indulge yourself: get rid of what you do not like, build a place where you can cocoon and start on a new footing. It is important from a symbolic point of view," advises Patrick Estrade.
How to spend the next Christmas?
"There is nothing worse than the first Christmas spent alone at home without the children. It happened to me after my divorce and it was awful. Christmas is a family celebration in the eyes of society: for someone who just got separated, it is a blow to their morale," Bavaria remembers.
He advises to anticipate: plan an outing or an evening with friends well in advance. However, Christmas is also the time when the old quarrels may resurface. You're fragile and not necessarily ready to confront each other’s jealousy or slandering".
Creating a clan of solos- is that a good idea?
"Yes," says Lawrence obviously Bavaria, who founded the French Association of Solos in this spirit. "We need social relationships, we need to go out, to talk to others about what they saw." This is called "social support".
"Anything that can facilitate the encounter with others should be encouraged,” confirms Patrick Estrade. “But we must also allow time to get us back to consciousness, to listen to us, to feel our new self. If we do not reach this awareness, we cannot leave and it's hard to meet with others again."
Allow yourself a new story?
Separation, experienced as a Ratag love, is a narcissistic injury. Therefore, it is not easy to envisage a different story: we no longer trust ourselves or other people.
First board: reconnect with what Patrick Estrade called "self-concern", taking care of yourself, agreeing with small pleasures, wanting to be pretty.
Second tip: be available. "The meeting always arises when you least expect it. We must be able to host it. Even if only for one night: love is extremely comforting and puts in a dynamic of seduction the first time someone has again raised an eye on you. Enjoy it without guilt."
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