Save a Couple From Falling Apart: Is This Possible?

Save a couple from falling apart: is this possible? At what point do we stop making efforts to turn the page when a relationship is doomed to fail?

Martine and Peter have therapy. They have been in a relationship for 20 years and have realized that they are in constant conflict. There is a tension which is present every day and their exchanges are more and more disrespectful. Peter thinks it's a question of sexuality, while Martine talks about a couple intimacy problem. She did not want to make love because they fight all the time! "Is there hope to save our marriage?", she asked.

Couples usually go to therapy because they have: consultation and communication difficulties; family conflicts; differences of opinions about raising children; about values; or tension due to sexual problems. Before beginning marital therapy, it is important to review the history of couples and individuals, their life experiences and the hardships they went through together. Therapy also looks at their strengths, the evidence on which they agree and, finally, at difficulties or at what the source of conflict is.

In many couples, the problems are transient or are occurring as a result of special circumstances. In others, the elements of discord have existed since the beginning of the relationship and have been poisoned in time. If the couple has been in conflict for years - 8, 10, 20 years - we must expect the process to be longer.

Tracking that we think can save the couple

When the balance of the relationship is done, it is important that both partners are involved in real tracking. If, therefore, one of them attends the meetings without becoming involved or lies every day, if they are also present at the meetings and we end up with commitments that are never met, the path is quickly compromised.

If there is not a modicum of respect between the partners or lies and deception are part of the relationship from the beginning, it becomes difficult to recover trust in each other.  Trust is essential for emotional reconciliation. To revive confidence and feel a certain admiration for the other, there should be a feeling of love. However, if the values differ and if one spouse keeps things that can have serious consequences for the couple: gambling, alcohol, drugs, sexual addiction, among other problems.  If these issues are never treated because they are hidden or because they are refused as part of the dynamics of the relationship, we must realize that it will become difficult to save the couple.

Many relationships can be preserved. However, many are doomed to fail! A couple deciding to go to therapy doesn’t mean that the couple will be saved. We must face the facts although it is sometimes too late.