Is Infidelity a Cause of Divorce?

Here is a useful situation that you might identify yourself with:

"Hello, I'm 38, I have been married for 12 years, I have 3 children, a 10, an 8 and a 7-year-old. I just discovered that my husband was unfaithful to me, I told him about it and he has said that it was the first time, that this woman did not matter to him, that he cracked, he also told me that I am the only woman he loves and that he cannot imagine his life without me. I do not know how to react, I still love my husband, but I no longer trust him, I feel betrayed, I think about her all the time and I wonder if she was older than me. Do you think we can forget and still have a fulfilling life together? Is forgiveness possible? Can an infidel husband return to being a faithful one or should you move on to getting divorce advice for men and women both?"

Christina Lion

Dear Christina,

You discovered that your husband was unfaithful, it's a shock, but you could talk to him. You explained that this woman hit on him, but that "he loves you and that he cannot envisage life without you."

The problem is as follows: Your husband still loves you, but will you have the strength and will to overcome this betrayal despite your suffering? You must decide if you want to forgive him and preserve your marriage and your children or if you want to separate. Yes, you can forgive your husband, especially since it was just a fad, but he must give you back proof of love and regain your confidence. Moreover, it would be good for your relationship and yourself to go see a marriage counselor, to find the reason for his "cracking", to find what in your domestic relationship may have favored his vulnerability? There is no trick to forget, thus, free yourself from all the negative, but normal feelings, such as grief, anger, resentment may be critical for the balance and future of your relationship.

Infidelity - is it chronic? This depends greatly on your marital relationship and your husband’s personality. There are no rules, but experience shows that couples who have overcome such crises had the common desire to start on solid foundations in couples therapy and not all have been forced to seek legal divorce advice or divorce advice of any kind. Possibly, many couples have gone through it and live happily together.

Why Is It That Men Are Unfaithful?

There is a strange impulse that leads us to approach other women. Why do we find such pleasure in the forbidden?

Deception is a word that no one is alien to. In regard to the couple, the deceit involves those who have violated the rules of fidelity, rules that, once broken, can make a before-and-after in the relationship, even if the other party of the couple does not know of the betrayal. From now on, you have five seconds to guess the main cause of most of the divorces out there.

Right. Marital infidelity is on top. There are other cultures that openly allow a man to have more than one woman, the Muslims being such people. One of the richest men in the world today, The Sultan of Brunei, has more than 100 women. However, polygamy is not viewed as a favorable status in the West.

Human beings exist in two planes or levels: the physical one and the mental one. In this regard, we strive to establish a set of puritanical moral rules that contradict our physical desires. This is another one of the many ridiculous hypocrite attitudes people try to impose on themselves and on others.

Instinct and suppression 

If only we were honest with ourselves, we should recognize that we are sexually attracted to more than one person. Of course, this is not a violation of a love promise made to a woman, it's just instinct and the instinct is like a computer program preloaded in your brain.

At a purely physical level, we all have instincts and hormones constantly influencing our thoughts. This combination comes into play when a man, for example, who sees an attractive woman walking down the street. She stimulates his senses. He does not know what she's thinking and nor is he interested in it, as he only sees her physical attributes, which make him feel good...

He fantasizes about what it would be like to kiss her or to feel her body next to his, and of course, about what it would be like to make love to her. Seconds later, a second thought, guilt, comes in. ”I'm a married man” or “I have a girlfriend” or “How could I betray her?” are some of the most recurrent thoughts. However, it is absurd that a man may feel guilt for something he cannot control, for anything that even feels like a crackdown.

The media and infidelity 

Do not forget the movies, television and print media. James Bond and Don Juan, by excellence, are the first to come to mind. And what about those soap operas that millions of women watch bolted to their chairs every evening? Indeed, the attraction of most of these TV shows is to see the main characters having countless affairs.

Until recently, Fox aired a reality show starring young and eager couples staying on an island called “Temptation Island.”  This island of temptation should really be called “Sexual Survival.” Men and women were separated on opposite sides of the island, while they were seduced by the opposite sex whose sole mission was to break the covenant of faithfulness of the participants involved.

If infidelity was committed, a video show was responsible for all their counterparts across the island. Of course, the audience returns showed that it was a success.  And what about the news headlines that rocked the White House for a couple of years? Do you remember Bill Clinton saying “I have not had sexual relations with that woman?"

With the advent of the Internet, there is a new definition of deception: the affairs through the computer, the infidelity on the internet. Men can have virtual sex with women and vice versa. Appointments can be arranged through an instant messenger, which is much less compromising than the telephone.

Fault 

Here, however, is where you make a difference. There is physical desire versus emotional betrayal. Which one of the two do you think is most important? A man can sleep with a prostitute and after the sexual act is over, make it nothing more than a dim memory. Women generally do not have that capacity.

Ever since the beginning of the world, men and women have fought and have been involved in countless battles that often ended up eroding the relationship. Thus, marriages have crumbled and too much emotional agony has been wasted in resuscitation attempts. Today, there is a crisis in marriage. The crisis has to do with faith, the spouses often wondering if the other is doing something wrong or not.

Finally, the fact remains that men continue to be attracted to other women and indeed, women will continue to feel attracted to other men. When we accept the reality, the society we live in will be transformed into a much more mature one. What will you do about it?

Why Are Women Unfaithful?

Infidelity is not just a guy thing. Many women are unfaithful to their partners from time-to-time. Athough ironically, they say they are in love. But unlike guys, they often do not seek sexual feelings when they have extramarital adventures.

The why and the how of both male and female extramarital affairs have been studied by many psychologists and even private investigators.

According to statistics, almost half of women, a figure similar to that of males, cheat on their partners. In other words, almost one in two wives cheat on their partner.

How and why women cheat

For them, having an extramarital affair does not necessarily refer to sex, but it may be purely emotional and even platonic. However, such an affair makes them feel guilty because they are seeking pleasure somewhere outside their family.

Unfortunately, scams are commonplace in couples. When women have an argument in their defense and they purpose that their adventures may simply be emotional relationships without there being any sexual contact. They may even be platonic but somehow, they consider they are betraying their partner because they are hiding their relationship.

And while there is sex involved, such an affair is also often mixed with feelings. There are few women who openly declare to be motivated only by sex when they are infidel. Once there is nothing left to repair, there is a lot of divorce advice for men out there and things become pretty clear.

They think it over

In fact, women find it hard to step over sleeping with someone.  While men work rather in the reverse way: their relationships are usually strictly based on extramarital sex, with no intention of going to anything else.  They tend to get carried away by purely physical impulses without thinking about the consequences their acts may have and without there being too much guilt involved...

Generally, they do not usually put too much emphasis on adventure and they want to claim the same things as their partners, although they are not true.

Although the adventure becomes sexual, the women who turn to cheating on their husband need to feel loved, so there are feelings involved. Cheating on their partners frequently produces large remorse and restlessness.

What people think

A woman almost always takes into account the damage done to her family and to the social environment, thinking especially of "what people think," about the possibility of having a chance and they coolly weigh the pros and cons before taking any course of action.

You can be unfaithful in a premeditated, organized and even practical way, taking into account, for example, whether your schedule or your obligations allow such an act. Usually, women in this situation do not take any divorce advice for women because they do not intend to get a divorce, so they just let themselves carried away.

Another factor often considered by a woman before having an affair is whether her marriage satisfies her. Generally, a woman who is happy with her partner does not have any affairs and she is not tempted.

Sexual satisfaction seems to have too much influence on this fact, since women tend to seek emotional affairs. Maybe the sex will work wonders with their male partner, but women need a dose of passion, mystery and love.

Surviving Infidelity

Few moments are as painful as the moment when a person finds out they have been cheated on  But, what happens the day after?

No one will blame you if you choose to leave your partner if they were unfaithful.

In fact, most of the testimonies heard about it emphatically state that infidelity is impossible to overcome, even if the problem is treated with a professional for years.

For many people, the image of betrayal in the couple will live forever and, certainly, some relationships simply cannot survive this situation, this being one of the most encountered divorce grounds. However, keep in mind that there are people who can learn from their mistakes and that nothing has to be eternal.

If you have chosen to stay with your partner, there are many issues to address, which can be consulted individually or with your partner, relatives or acquaintances who have gone through and overcome the same situation.

Remember that they have to be people of high trust, since they must advise you on what is truly best for you, not guided by their personal pettiness.

It is also very common for people without good intentions to seize this moment when you are most vulnerable to personally blame or accuse their partners. It is also true that just staying with your partner does not mean anything because you may not have forgiven them or forgotten what happened. Perhaps the damage will always remain, you will always remember this moment and you consider that they are very likely to betray you again. Therefore, it is best to consult with an objective source from the outside before making a decision.

Basically, you should ask whether the effort to continue the relationship is justified or not.  In the bottom of your heart, you think that there is potential for them to regain your trust. If you really want to work hard to improve a relationship in intensive care, these questions may discourage you, but if you still accept it, the chances that the couple will work at maximum.

A new opportunity

Suppose you have made the decision to stay with your partner. There are several cases in which both say they have to forget about the occurrence after reconciliation. Know that you can come to find forgiveness in your heart, but never completely forget what happened. This is not bad, but quite the contrary, it is a warning signal and it will result in an experience that will serve the future.

Be prepared to forgive your partner, but know that this will be a daily process that will take several weeks and you will not be able to complete it in a single lecture. Communication and trust are the cornerstones of relationships.  How can you continue to trust someone who has betrayed you so? After all, if there was someone who did not get hurt then, it was only them. In addition, there is no guarantee that this will not happen again.

Your partner must understand quite the devastating effect of their actions and the way they hurt the relationship. Without this understanding, they cannot fully understand the gravity of the situation. In fact, he or she has jeopardized the stability of the family, the respect for your partner, children, peers and, ultimately, the future of the relationship.

If the main reason for the deceit was the enthusiasm to feel something new, there may be no more future risks. You cannot change what happened, but you can learn from it. The relationship will not survive without proper communication.

If you want to know why this occurred, first ask questions, but you must always be prepared to hear honest answers, not just what you want to hear. Some people do not want to know. That is never a solution. A good therapist may be necessary in these cases somewhat more complex. Also, note that this situation can help you to confront the problems of the pair once and for, however serious they are.

Give yourself time. If you feel uncomfortable asking a particular question, simply do not do it. Be sure to address your feelings when it comes to rebuilding the friendship and to considering starting a sexual relationship all over.

Be very careful about sexually transmitted diseases, even if your partner insists that they have used condoms. It is necessary that both of you do your medical checkups before having sex again.

Revenge is not always sweet. Before you say "eye for an eye," keep in mind that this will only bring more pain to both of you and it will not help anyone. What would happen if, above all, you received unacceptable details your partner’s lover? How could you eliminate the images of both together from your mind?

If you think this is the case, you should also review carefully the basis on which they develop their views.  In most situations, people paint an overly dismissive and inaccurate picture of the lover, as a result of the resentment felt towards them.

When it comes to removing the images from your head, this is more difficult and it requires considerable mental work. Each time an image or a negative thought enters your mind or is dragged in your head, you should replace it with a positive one.

Note that if your partner wants to go back with you because that outside relationship failed to satisfy them, it could not have been a great joy. Otherwise, the ending or the divorce would be completely different.

There are no right or completely wrong answers and nobody can tell you what your best options are. Only you live in your shoes. You are solely responsible for your children. Only you know the exact feelings that this situation generates in you and only you can evaluate what is best to do in order to repair the relationship or when it is time to end it. Keep an open mind and listen to your heart.

Overcoming Infidelity

There are several aspects to conclude that we have been victims of infidelity. First, we must estimate the time, i.e. how long it has been happening for. We may find cases in which relationships have been maintained for months because there are usually feelings towards that person. In other cases, infidelity is sporadic contact with other women and it is spread over time. Finally, we also have cases in which infidelity occurs only once and only once.

Another factor to consider is whether there is some kind of emotion or feeling towards the other person. There are very different ways to address the situation if your partner is in love with another person or if they have feelings for that person.

We must also consider the possibility of contact with that person. Do they see each other on a regular basis? Are they co-workers? These are all important details when it comes to overcoming the insecurity that is generated in such cases.

When faced with an infidelity, you should take these factors into account in order to determine where it all ends and how it all ends. Not everyone will react the same way and of course is all depends on the situation in which it occurs. We must also value the time that the couple find to spend with each other, if there are any conflict and so on. Infidelity can be better understood as long as there is a good reason to justify it.

On the other hand, if the couple is going through good times, we should look into the personality of the member who has been unfaithful to find out what happened.  What weaknesses might they have that allowed them cheat on their partner.

The deceived and the infidel

An infidelity always involves two characters: the deceived and the infidel. Depending on our role, our emotions will be different.  They also depend on the attitude we have about what happened. Do not forget that there are people who do not repent having an affair as it makes them grow stronger and it reinforces their ego (which is certainly subject to low self-esteem).

The feelings that follow are applicable to those experiencing infidelity as a "scam" in their relationship:

•  Deceived: guilt, sadness, anxiety, lack of confidence in themselves and in the other, disappointment and
   disillusion about their partner, anger, rage, resentment, difficulty in forgiving.
•  Infidel: guilt, confusion, insecurity, sadness, helplessness (cannot do anything, you must wait for the other to
   forgive), undervaluation.

These feelings will require different strategies to try to overcome them and will diminish as time passes, regardless of the whether the solution has been to stay together or separate.

On the other hand, it would be useful to establish a set of guidelines to follow if you want to save your marriage. To do this, you must differentiate the deceived and the infidel.

Actions to be carried out by the deceived

•  Ask your partner about all the details of the action, learn about places, times, conversations, etc. This may seem strange if you are trying to forget about what happened, but I think they will be useful at first, so avoid spending all day thinking about the questions that come to mind at the time, etc.

Once you have the answers for everything, you should have an overview of what happened and not ask anymore questions. Now, you can get used to the idea since you have tied up all the loose ends. In the event that there is anything left to know, the ideal thing to do would be to start to forget.

•  Express your feelings at the time in order for the other to know how to react; do not forget that the others
   do not have the ability to read minds, which is obvious when we need a hug or shout to derive the inner
   rage. Remember that we must express our feelings directly and at a time. Put things away and then just help
   them to come all together in the next discussion.
•  Value the things that make your partner happy. For the Record, a bouquet of flowers is not the solution,
    but it helps.
•  Search your partner’s nonverbal communication traits (facial expression, moments of reflection, if they look
   you in the eye when they are sincere, if they cry or if they are sad). You can see if they are sincere, if they
   are really sorry, if they try to make things better by all means.

Actions to be carried out by the infidel

•  Be sincere with your partner, explain what happened trying to emphasize the feelings you had and the
   whys. If you were going through a bad time, express your loneliness, your misunderstanding, your bad
   humor, the support of another person, etc..
•  Dedicate yourself to regaining your partner with details that they liked in the past. Retake the initial
    infatuation period when you met.
•  Try to identify your bad times and try to be there to help, but you must also learn to leave them some
   space.
•  Explain why you are willing to try again, the union that you have always had and highlight how you can
   overcome it together.
•  Make a personal reflection about your infidelity, as something positive must have taken place. Think if your
   ego felt good, if this happened because you needed to feel valued by others and you needed to fell good,
   which indicates some uncertainty in yourself and low self-esteem. You should work on these aspects of
   your personality so that it does not happen again.

Actions to be carried out by the two

•  Talking about mistakes, about the possible whys and about monotony.
•  Highlight your partner’s strengths every time you get the chance.
•  Try not to let this affect your life in general by all means. You must maintain the balance in all aspects
    so that this does not affect other aspects of your life.
•  Organize a plan of action to overcome this, full of activities and future plans to seek a common goal, a new
    illusion and give yourselves time.