The period of doubt
The time before the final divorce decision is called by experts the ambivalent phase. This is to express that the data subject between the certainty of doing the right thing with the divorce and the doubts about the correctness of the divorce decision. In a moment, an image of a new beginning and a way of life without the partner with whom all things have become so difficult and unsatisfactory is clearly in one’s mind. The next moment, this picture breaks down and the fears of the uncertain future and the hope that the marriage can still be saved come to the fore.
Out of all the considerations about their own personal partnership, the care of the children is the most important.
- What does a divorce mean for them?
- Will they get over their parents’ separation or will they suffer for a long time, perhaps even in their personal life?
- Or, is a separation the better solution in the long run?
- Is it better for the children to grow up with conflicting and disgruntled parents, but still in a complete family
or is it better for them if their parents go through a divorce, but they grow up without there being disputes
between the parents?
Most parents clearly feel that they must act according to their desire to live a happier life, but their children’s wishes come first. You know that a wife is still the beloved mother of her child even if the personal expectations of a lifelong partnership are no longer met and that a man who is disappointed as a husband in the couple's relationship is still the beloved father of his child, regardless of this.
Arguing about things
There are disputes in every family as arguing is a way of finding solutions. There are situations that are unsatisfactory for one or more family members and that can be improved by conflict. There are conflicts that are solved by bringing conflicts and that prolong the family’s life. A feature of the "healthy" arguing is that the partners finally reach an agreement.
One has agreed on who can see what on television, when the car is available or when the three-year-old daughter should be home and then the battle is done. It is abundantly clear that the solutions are not valid for always. If something changes, for example, a new job is associated with longer travel times or the now fourteen-year-old daughter requires more space, the issues are re-opened.
It is different if the cause of dispute is that the adults are dissatisfied and unhappy with their marital relationship and every event is perceived to be governed by this air of dissatisfaction. Then there is only a semblance of peace and the family atmosphere cannot really be cleaned.
If you feel that the disputes on several occasions pile up and the real causes of the dispute lie in the dissatisfaction with your marriage, try to formulate the cause as clearly as possible and to talk with your partner about it. This leads to an unpredictable result. It can lead to real conflicts that are difficult, painful and exhausting are at first, but which ultimately lead to settlements and solutions, namely, both change. The disputes can lead to new dead ends of fruitless arguing. If you fear this or have already had the experience, visiting a counseling center may be helpful. Couples can be helped to understand each other’s points of view better there and talk in a more fertile way.
The period of doubt can be useful
This much is certain. A couple with a child or children going through a divorce is always an extension of the partner’s crisis of parenthood. Divorce is good. The children are certainly not meant to be affected, but they are. In most cases, the children do not want their parents to get a divorce, but they have to cope with it. In any event, the separation of parents throws children in a major crisis. The parents are guilty for a divorce, not their children. The decision to get a divorce may not be made hastily by any means and the assessment of the consequences of a divorce should be as realistic as possible.
Deal with your partnership issues
If you dare to approach the discussion on your partnership issues, please answer the question: Can the problems be solved in the marriage or is the separation really the only way?
The days when marriage counseling centers were the primary aim are long gone. The days when saving the marriage at any cost was aimed are long gone. Today, there are advisory bodies such as "family counseling centers or counseling for couples and families in conflict situations". At the end of such advice sessions, all possible paths to get out of a crisis that may well set back the separation decision should have been explored.
Divorce counseling can even go on for some years. Also, their tasks include seeking advice in the ambivalence phase and help to clarify the prospects for the survival of the marriage through counseling or therapy.
Get information and advice about divorce and its consequences
Divorce is much more than a legal process. The reorganization of life begins long before the divorce is filed and extends well into the time after the judge's decision. Each section of the divorce action brings new questions and demands. The more you know about it, the better you can prepare yourself for it.
You can get information on rights and duties, custody of the children, the cost of a divorce, the financial consequences (e.g. maintenance, old age) in family counseling or with the social services in your city or town and the youth office. There, you can also find out what help and support options you have and what options are there for your partner and your children. In addition, there is a variety of facilities, from the church to the folk high school, group meetings for divorce or already divorced parents. Finally, there are a number of advisers with different emphasis in the book trade and in the lending libraries.
Knowledge provides security
- It is easier to develop more precise ideas about the appropriate solutions for your situation and your child
if you are informed.
- When dealing with professionals with whom you will have to do in the course of the divorce proceedings
(attorney, employees of the agency, judges), you may experience issues that affect you, but which make
you more confident and more precise.
- For example, you can also better assess whether the attorney appointed by you can soften or worsen the
conflicts and, thus, if he is ultimately committed to your interests.
- Last but not least, it is easier to distinguish good advice from friends and relatives from ill advice.
Basically, it is useful if both parents attend an information evening or a counselor. Talking together is difficult enough during this period. It is somewhat easier if both parents have a comparable level of information. You might also point to your partner to brochures, books or websites that you think are informative.
A good level of information will help you to stay in control of the decisions that affect your life and your child. Teach them about the acquisition of information beyond the individual consultation. You can go to people specialized in family counseling or divorce counseling and you can get a consultation based on your personal problems and the situation in your family.
Check your expectations
Try to verify all critical expectations that you connect to a divorce before making a decision. The hope that everything will be better after the divorce, for example, is an expectation that will be most likely lead to disappointment. The evaluations of the experiences of other divorced people lead to the conclusion that things are likely to become much better only about two years after the divorce.
Other unrealistic expectations would be "I will never go back with them", "The divorce will solve all conflicts", " Everything will be easier after the divorce", "My life circumstances stay as they are, the only difference being that they are no longer in my life", "My child is so young that they will have forgotten their father (or mother) soon", "If I marry again, the children get a new mother (a new father) and my former wife (my ex-husband) is definitely unnecessary". These and other false expectations can lead to disappointment in the marriage, which very soon turns into the disappointment of divorce.
Try to be clear about what a divorce means for your child
It is not that long ago that children of divorced parents were necessarily expected to have permanent developmental and behavioral problems. Any problem, be it at school or at home, with peers or with adults, was seen as a result of the divorce. We now know that a complete family is not automatically an intact family and that a divorced family is not always a healthy environment for children to grow up in. Likewise, we know that many children of divorced parents grow into young adults and do not differ from their peers from non-divorced families.
And yet, the impact that a parental separation can have on children's development should not be underestimated. Since the situation is different in each family, one must look closer and ask the following question: What do children lose through separation or can they win by a parental separation, too? It is also clear that there is a difference between the separation experience and the long-term situation which results from a divorce.
The studies on children exposed to living in complete families, but in which there were severe marital conflicts have revealed that these children show precisely the behavior problems that have often been described as typical reactions of children to a divorce. The children from divorced families who were repeatedly investigated for many years were surveyed after a difficult adjustment period of about two years. As a result, the differences between them and children in complete families are small. Also, they did better than the children who grew up in conflict-loaded families. However, the children whose parents failed to end their conflicts in a reasonable period of time after the divorce were in a worse situation than the children whose parents have led a troubled marriage, but who did not get divorced.
Can one imagine how a child experiences this situation? It all begins with the word “choice”. If you think about your divorce and your, you should think instead of their parents’ divorce or separation. Not only are the parents separated, but the child will also experience very specific separations from their parents.
What can you do for your child at the time of a possible separation or divorce?
Children need clear messages
Long before a separation, a child has the unsettling feeling that something is wrong. They see if their parents do not want to talk about the fights with them or if their mother's tearful eyes remain unnoticed and the child is doing well if they notice anything at first. They fluctuate between the hope that everything will be all right and the fear that something threatening will happen, things which still have no name for the younger children.
The child is in a strained situation and they are looking for clues and answers to their questions. If no one is there or children do not dare to speak to someone who gives honest answers, so to speak, they talk to themselves. They begin to dream of what the cause could be, who is to blame and what is probable to happen the next. In a tense family atmosphere, children need clear messages, as described below.
The disputes are a matter exclusively for adults
The problems are between the parents, not between parents and children. However, the children should not be marginalized because, after all, they are also affected. They are their parents and it is their family. They are entitled to honest information and conversations. Tell them that the father and mother are currently fighting a lot because they have problems with each other, which only adults may have. The fact that it is currently very difficult to be with each other and that the adults have disputes can be much more difficult to assess by the children if you quarrel.
Also tell your children that what is happening in your family now is sad and it is not so beautiful and peaceful, but that there is no use in simply pretending that everything will be fine. Also, tell them that you do not blame them, although they are often scolded. Tell them that you will try to find solutions, even if you do not yet know what those solutions are.
Children should not feel responsible for the divorce
This applies to the dispute and causes for the termination of the dispute. In particular, younger children relate much of what is happening around them and even make mistakes when it comes to the person responsible. In other words, they see connections that are not actually there.
"Mom is so sad because I have not cleaned my room again!"
"Daddy is so angry because I was so wild when riding a bicycle and I scratched the car door!"
Such reasoning seduces children to believe they could do something to get everything back to the good old times, a hope that is doomed to failure and the children can be discouraged and end up desperate.
Children must not be turned into allies
Looking for support and reinforcement is probably a natural need in case of conflict, when the weakness and fragility of their senses are very pronounced, so the little ones prefer to be allies with one party. However, you should prevent the children from the playing this game! Given the fact that children need love and recognition from both parents, they run into conflicts of loyalty and lasting feelings of guilt when parents try to hold them by their side. The personality development can be heavily burdened.
Children need the emotional closeness of their parents
If the conflict-ridden family atmosphere increases the emotional alienation of the partners, make sure that the children still benefit from the emotional closeness. Try to be close to your children and spend enough time together with them, despite all the worries. Even if you are sad and you have just had a dispute, you should not leave them in front of the television alone. The fact is that much can be compensated by spending time with the children, who notice the difficult times in the family. The most important message for children is that their mother and father love them and are there for them, despite all their problems and you should then look convincing.
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