The Rupture in Women

In 75% of separations, women make the decision of leaving the other. What are the reasons that determine women to live separately and how do they break up? Answers and advice from psychologists Helene Baril and St. Francis Father attempt to mitigate the conflicts caused by separation.

Taming the idea of breaking up

"Women often share a dissatisfaction at the level of their relationship. After trying several strategies to improve the situation, they eventually give up and leave their spouse. Initially, the idea of separation is painful, but after a while, it becomes the solution", says Father Francis St, psychologist specializing in couples therapy and expert in divorce mediation. Thus, it would be rare for a woman to terminate a relationship on a whim.

The reasons why women break up vary. "In most cases, women feel neglected by their spouse. They bemoan the lack of communication, pleasure in marriage and no longer feel loved or appreciated," he says. The partner’s infidelity is also one of the main causes of separation. Other women evoke physical or psychological violence, alcohol or drug abuse or incompatible personalities or values.

Breaking Barriers

Many women experience guilt at the thought of being the one who makes the decision to break the couple. This is especially true when there are children in the background. Psychologist St Francis Father highlighted several obstacles in the way of separation. Here are a few:

-Personal beliefs with respect to separation. The fear of never being a couple, for example;
-Children. Some couples stay together for fear of hurting the children;
-The religious values;
-Social pressure and fear of being judged by the others;
-Low-esteem, and
-Financial dependence.

Time, the best ally

Is it possible to break into harmony after sharing years of common life? "I would say it is difficult to speak of harmony, especially at first. However, it is possible to break less wildly," admits St. Francis Father. Psychologist Helene Baril, specializing in marital therapy at the Center for Psychology of Longueuil, concurs: "A rupture causes a lot of emotions. It is a moment of crisis when the partners are not always rational. It is not easy to live, even for the person who made the decision," she says.

Tips for a successful breakup


Here are some tips on how to separate or on how to divorce:

- Avoid separating in a hurry;
- Explain clearly to the person left the reasons for the failure;
- Do not blame the other. "This only accentuates the conflict. Instead of trying to find a culprit, I suggest to
  everyone to reflect on their share of responsibility for this failure. The separation may then serve as a tool 
  for change," says Helene Baril.
- Verbalize their emotions. This is an important step in therapy, which can detach quietly. "Men, for example,
  often lack a confidant outside of their wives. During the break, it becomes even more important for them to
  see someone who will listen to them," said Father Francis St.
- Do not say anything. "Sometimes people tend to say everything, but I advise my clients to always wonder
  what the impact on the other may be," says Helene Baril.
- Choosing the right time. Do not start talking about the separation before leaving for the office or from the
  door.

Psychologists Helene Baril and Father Francis St highlight the many benefits of a "healthy" break. "If we took the time to stop and think about what caused the breakup and our share of responsibility, instead of just blaming the other, we would probably learn more about ourselves and generally make better choices later," says Helene Baril. If well done, the separation can also provide personal wellness and open new horizons for each partner. The breakup can be beneficial. Each partner must, however, allow time to solve the situation.