Are You Consistent With Your Teen?

The consistency of both parents towards their young is essential in order to avoid confusion within the family.

Friday, 17 am: It is the weekend! Finally! You have had one thing in mind only ever since your departure from work and all the way back -- you loosen the tie and "crush" on the sofa with a glass (or two ... or three) of wine or beer.  Then, unzip this week's craziness.

Permissions and prohibitions

Heading into this paradise of relaxation and drop, you begin to distinguish voices. You open the door of your house: "Good evening, everybody!" But, your entry passes completely unnoticed. However, the temperature's definitely high between your wife and your 15-year-old girl! Roxane wants to go out despite the ban that parents imposed on her following her poor academic performance.

Frustrated teen, exasperated parents

Your wife is struggling as a devil in holy water to convince her that a parent plays the role of the mentor: you think they will come to blows very soon. A mad desire crosses your mind: enjoy what you have not been seen to turn back and head back to the little bar around the corner, to enjoy a little quiet, a good drink, and rock music blaring ... You finally opt for the grief and the quiet evening farewell storm, a frustrated teenager and an exhausted mother.

Peace of Munich

In 1938, the French and British leaders met with Hitler in Munich: "It's good, you can invade Czechoslovakia and destroy this country, but please do not attack us", they told him. Laughing, Hitler said, "I promise!"  In crossing his fingers, hands and toes, and Chamberlain and Daladier, the English and French leaders, were greeted as heroes upon their return home. They had saved the peace! The rest is history.

You are in Munich and Roxane plays her trump card. You have the authority, but you mainly want peace. You look at your ally. Basically, you have to let her live her own experiences, her friends’ parents are all more tolerant, she is big enough to make choices and bear the consequences.

Consistency between spouses

What parent does not dream of letting go? Who has not dreamed of turning a blind eye and buying peace with her child by giving them permission without their spouse’s consent? Who ever thought that her husband was either too "hard" or too "soft" when the time came to set the tags?

Your teens have the ability to read your soul and find topics and specific times to come and test your consistency, your personal integrity ("Will he take his butt?").

Asking the right questions

Being consistent, being able to deliver what was advertised: before we get to a position, ask yourself some questions:

- Is my decision made based on my personal values?
- Have I discussed with my spouse or partner?
- I dominate my emotions, but do they? Do I not promise the worst consequences when I'm angry,
  then retract?
- Have we taken the time and perspective needed to make a decision?

Do as the Supreme Court of Canada and accept the requests made in advance, do not negotiate before the teenager, deliberate in private and give one common answer!

The teen will learn the limits

It is the teenager’s role to test the limits, check the tightness of the parental couple, attempting to obtain benefits from one parent or the other. Now, if you take your time, breathe deeply and communicate openly with your partner, the following will occur:  you'll gain personally, your relationship will improve and, more importantly, your teenager will gain from respecting their parents in situations.

To bring consistency, repeat this phrase: "Dictatorship is shutting your mouth! Democracy is always being concerned..."

Caring for Your Grandparents

In primitive societies, the elderly were appreciated for their wisdom, knowledge of nature, healing plants, the way of collecting edible seeds, suitable places for hunting and so on.  Their advice was listened to and followed without question and they were the example for the younger ones.

As man has progressed in science and technology, society has gradually materialized losing the true values of life and the respect, love and care of our seniors.

We have assisted to the deterioration of the relationship between young and old for years now. Today, the life expectancy is high in all the developed countries. For example, men live for around 76 years in Japan and women for 81. This entails a great deal of families and the large number of people over 65 years ols that fill our cities.

If you have ever been to a nursing home, you will understand perfectly how much our moral values have deteriorated. When you enter the room where they spend their days, sometimes talking, sometimes watching TV and dozing most of their boredom, several pairs of eyes look at you with longing, no doubt with the illusion that you have come for some of your relatives. Then, some old lady comes to you and tries to make conversation and tells you, among other things, that their child does not come to visit very often, obviously because of their work.

When you start caring about their life, age, family and so on, their faces start to illuminate and they tell you all the details (if you remember them) of their past and, ultimately, their eyes fill with tears because they have several grandchildren that they have not seen for a long time, and besides, they should be home with their children. Then, they tell you that they are am treated very well there, that they care, that they are well fed, but you would not like to have to start talking about your children and grandchildren.

With the arrival of the holidays, they become desperate and people who are so sweet, so vulnerable, so selfless are abandoned, although they brought us to this world and made us grow and become more mature at the expense of tremendous personal sacrifices. However, people show their insensitivity and the lack of principles that corrodes our society of abundance.

Without doubt, we still have not realized that we too will be old, that we may leave when they are travelling or when they get tired of giving us a little love and understanding that is, after all, what everybody needs. You may not be just an old man sitting at their table on Christmas Eve. They do not have to see you as a tremendous burden.  They have to feel good about being good to you because, in the end, this is what makes them human beings. And, we are all human beings and this is what we need to do in order to become better and to be more highly appreciated.

I Cannot Live Without My Children

I am a young woman aged 35. I am a mother of 3 children. One of them is ten years old, another one is five and the youngest is three years old. We waited 5 years before we succeeded in having our first baby. The second and the third were like our gifts from heaven.  However, I also struggled to have them as they both came very quickly. I am very close to my children, who probably ran out of child love. I always wanted to give them a lot and I was too afraid not to give one too much and too little to the other.

So I had a tidy and very quiet life, a nice little house, a job that I shared with my husband. Unfortunately, despite being very close and getting along very well, something changed in our relationship and things didn’t turn out so well. We forgot about the four of us. He took a job and started working more and more and I no longer lived for my children either.

One day, I met a young man. We first got to know each other, we talked about everything and anything, about all the aspects of our lives. But I then realized that was not my life. I was a woman, a mother and a wife, but it was the mother in me that lived at that time. Over the days, this man and me, we got closer, we turned our friendship into a love relationship and we declared our feelings. However, difficult moments followed, both for me and for him. I felt very guilty towards my husband and I regretted the fact that I was harming him. It was difficult for me to break up and turn to the man of my life, whom I had only met once.

The relationship with my husband was going pretty well, we kept in touch for the children. It's been one month since I moved with my new boyfriend and everything should be wonderful for me …Unfortunately, this is not the case ... The mother has taken over me and my doubts, too. My husband and I live nearby, the children have not changed schools and we spend every other day with them, as well as one weekend in two. I am happy and fulfilled when they are with me, but when I feel as if I was sick when I am not with them.

I do not want to deprive their dad of their love, as he loves them just as much as I do and cares about them just as much. I do not know what to do. My partner listens to me, he understands, but he doesn’t have any children. He supports me, but his words cannot remove the weight that I have in my heart. I cannot live without my children. I am making a lot of people miserable because of this, I have been selfish, but it is my right. Now, I wonder if I was right to do that because, ultimately, I'm not happier ... Will I have another chance to leave my marriage and keep my family together or should I finally turn the page and start a new life with my new friend who only wants to have a future with me .... I never seem to make the right choice, never knowing what I want ....

I Broke My Family

I got separated from my husband, who was too selfish.  His faults included: coming home from work and playing in front of the television; never making love to me and so on..

I have my 4 children, aged between 11 and 5. I want to start my life all over again with a man I met on the net. He is 45 and I am 35 years. He has a son in alternating custody with his ex wife. At first, we walked, hugged, went out to dinner and then, I moved in with him and my 4 children. Now, everything is changed. I find myself alone in the kitchen, cleaning, ironing and gardening. I wanted to find work, but the 2nd appointment at the employment center went on like this: "You can stay if you are dedicated to your job only”. I understand the man’s thinking: he wants me to raise my children better, which is fine, it works, and he is not interested in money as long as I got there at 7.

I thought he was the ideal father-I did not see that it was even worse than my ex, no more kisses, no more hugs, the kids didn’t have an example to follow. If one of my sons breaks the cherry blossom, he loses his temper and hits him.  If the children don’t stay at the table for an hour, he takes their food and eats it. I'm tense, I made efforts to change. ... I fear his explosive reactions that can happen at any time and varied and pointless excuses. Finally, thanks to the Internet, which once united us, we no longer see each other that often. He comes home from work, stays in front of the TV and plays, without even noticing me.

Changing the subject, I lost all my friends and I cannot be happy because every time I start talking about something I like, he becomes intolerant, selfish, egocentric in the sense that he wants me to take care of him, but not the other way around. I do not feel like making love, I cry at night in secret because I'm not allowed to cry as he doesn’t stand that. I'm a mom who is responsible for 4 children with 600 euros for child support and I cannot even take care of m children properly anymore..... Today I know the consequences a woman who chose to raise her children and not to work.  She has to suffer.  I am so disappointed with his male selfishness, with his "I always try to have fun and think of others before thinking of myself. I am ashamed of myself, I broke my family for a heinous kind, my children are unhappy about not seeing their father every day, but only once every seven weeks."

What a Grandparent Should Know About Their Grandchildren Being at Risk

There are many things you can do to help your grandchildren as a grandparent.

If you fear that there might be a kidnapping of your grandchild, teach them how to dial an emergency telephone number. By the age of three, they must know your address, your telephone area code and your phone number well enough.

Tell them you love them forever, that you will never let someone take them away and that you will go in their pursuit if something happens.

Reassure them by telling them that they are safe no matter what they hear from others or what they say.

Try to teach them to connect with strangers that may be of assistance, such as bar waiters, naphtha dispatchers, police, teachers or shop assistants, so they can ask for help in case of emergency.

Explain what "kidnapping" means. Teach your grandchild to shout "I'm being kidnapped! Call the police!" Tell them that when they are asked what they need, they should talk about the "judge", so that people understand the seriousness of the problem.

Let them understand that they must always be honest with the judge, no matter what others tell you. If you have custody, learn to say “The judge says I have to live with my grandfather because my parents have problems” (for example).

Choose a code word that only you and your grandchild know. Test your teachings, see if their aunt, mom or best friend knows the secret word and make sure you both remember the word. Change your code word if you believe your grandson or daughter may have mentioned it to someone.

Designate third parties to whom they should call if you consider the parent to be a risk when you are away. Explain that they can call you or the police anytime, anywhere and if they have any questions. Notify the authorities to ban the children from leaving the city without permission.

Listen and observe. If a parent does not have custody, but they quit their job, disconnected the telephone service or sold their home or possessions, something is wrong. Call your lawyer and get the visits supervised until the parent relocates back into the city.

Enter the driver's license number of the parents, the color of their car, the model and the year. Store any data about the in-laws, friends and co-workers.

You may take full-face photos of your grandchildren and both parents twice a year and note their physical description including weight, height and eye and hair color. Approximately 15% of the children abducted are recovered by the photographs.

If needed, call the police and a lawyer experienced in family law immediately. Time is critical. The police can enable location services and the information sector and access tracks and traces belonging to your grandson, as well as promptly contact any potential witnesses to the abduction. Also, contact NGOs such as Missing Children, which are active in several countries.

Protect your grandchild and yourself. Get legal custody, guardianship or adoption. Without them, you have little legal recourse to defend and be defended.