Communication Between Parents and Teens

Adolescence is a period of intense change that leads to many conflicts and a breakdown in communication between parents and children. This special issue gives some tips for maintaining family ties and maintaining the parent-teen relationship.

Teenagers often blame their parents for saying no without giving any explanation, for not listening and, above all, for not understanding. In brief, they suffer from a lack of communication with them. The parents’ fear  of watching their children go away, and their anxiety about seeing them do stupid things such as touching drugs or joining a group of bad friends does not count. Yet, it is often enough to just listen to both sides in order to maintain the exchanges throughout adolescence.

Parent-teen communication

Adolescence is notoriously difficult to live ... for parents. Communication seems broken with this child that no longer recognizes anything. What kind of action should you take when it comes to divorce and children? It is often necessary to review the relations between parents and adolescents. And the buddy-buddy attitude is not always the best for these youngsters who still need an authority figure.

Drugs and youth

Teenagers often adopt rebellious behavior. They come home later and later, they drink beer for the first time, they smoke their first cigarette, and they try drugs. Faced with these potentially dangerous behaviors, parents are often scared and this is really something that makes it a lot more difficult for them since they also have to deal with divorce law and all the other procedures related to their divorce.

Adolescent health

Health is not a matter of great concern to the majority of adolescents who have their youth on their side. However, they are not immune to teenagers’ diseases, such as acne or sexually transmitted infections or blood transmission infections (STIs). Besides depression, which is often overlooked, there is also obesity, diabetes and other ailments associated with poor diet and physical inactivity.

How to Talk to Children

Divorce is a painful ordeal for children. Caution is needed in order not to inflame an already delicate situation. Here is Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun’s advice, a pediatrician’s.

Unambiguously explain the separation

The announcement of a divorce is often preceded by a period of tension in the family. Even if children do not yet know their parents’ decision, they feel this conflict and suffer because of it. We must therefore explain the separation, put it into words that calm the children’s fears, so here is some so-called divorce advice for men and women related to this aspect. "Theoretically, the ideal situation is to explain the separation when all the children and both parents are present, so that all hear the same speech", said Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. Often, children witness the disputes and feel guilty and responsible for the parental discord. Everything has to be clear from this point of view: "The first thing to explain is that a man and a woman can no longer love each other, but their love for their children remains unchanged," says the pediatrician.

Speak clearly about the future

The young children need strong benchmarks. A divorce inevitably changes their lifestyle, so parents should enlighten them about their daily lives to come as much as possible. "We need to talk about concrete aspects of their life: what room they will have, what school they will be registered in", says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. Explaining the rotation pattern is just as important: "The child must know when they will be with their father and when they will be with their mother, not to mention that they need to know how will spend their birthdays or Christmas: they are moments of their lives and they need to build them". In older children, teens especially, the situation is somewhat different. Everything depends on the relationship that parents have with them and they generally have more freedom of choice. But again, divorce does not mean no rules. "While the teen may choose their type of guard, you have to be careful not to be more permissive than the other parent. A framework is also needed".

Do not denigrate the other parent

Sometimes, the parents’ disagreement is such that the reconciliation is difficult and resentment and hatred can complicate the explanations given to children. "Of course, the best thing to do is not to criticize each other", says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. But this is not always simple. " We should try to separate the man or woman of her parenting when speaking to the children. He / she has made mistakes towards the other adult, but must preserve their role as a parent: he / she remains a good father / mother. "It is human nature to criticize your spouse when the divorce goes wrong, in spite of all the legal divorce advice, but you should try to do it with your friends, away from the children. "I know it's sometimes very difficult to manage, says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun, but the adult must show the child that they remain the center of their life and not just by saying so, but also by showing strong signs of love.”

How to Initiate a Divorce

Initiating a divorce is a delicate process, even after you have made the decision. Nevertheless, whatever your situation is, the divorce procedure is standardized.

Seeking a lawyer is mandatory for any divorce proceedings. Do not hesitate to meet with several lawyers and take into consideration the fact that it is all free.

A divorce is a close matter: it is essential to get along with the lawyer who defends you in the divorce case.

To start a divorce, one spouse must apply for their opening through their lawyer. It is optional to specify the reason.

There are several ways in which you can get divorced:

- Divorce by mutual consent (you start to agree on the consequences of the divorce such as the partition of property, of goods, the amount of the alimony, the custody of children ...)
- Acceptance of divorce by marriage breakdown (the judge decides the consequences);
- Fault divorce (one spouse has violated duties and obligations of marriage in a serious way and repeatedly: they abandoned their home, violence, adultery, etc ...);
- Divorce for irretrievable marriage (at the request of one spouse alone).

You must then meet in a conciliation trial. You must be aware of everything that happens during the trial and you should also be aware of the court proceedings.

In this stage, the judge may decide to take interim measures to ensure the proper sustenance of each party involved in the trial:

- Separate residence;
- Enjoyment of family housing;
- Interim support;
- Mediation measures, etc. ...

In the case of a divorce by mutual consent or acceptance by the breakdown of marriage, the judge's role is to verify that the spouses really agree with the divorce. The divorce decree is pronounced at the first hearing if the court accepts the agreement settling the consequences of divorce.

In other cases, you must file an application for the commencement of the proceeding, in which you specify whether you choose a fault divorce or a divorce for irretrievable marriage. You need to send this application to your spouse, through a bailiff, a summons for divorce. Justify your approach in this document, specify the type of divorce you want and your requests in terms of consequences, the pensions divorce and all those financial fights starting now.

Finally, in order to finalize the divorce proceedings, you must present evidence to substantiate those facts. However, there are no people to testify in a divorce case.

The judge then pronounces the divorce and tells you how things proceed from then on.

Divorce and Toasted Children!

The National Institute of Demographic Studies (INED) confirmed in its report published in May 2002 that the separation or divorce of parents is highly prejudicial, particularly in the field of education and that this is way beyond divorce law. The figures are frightening!

Family life is put to the test. The number of divorces and separations has continued to grow over the last few decades. However, these changes do not save the children involved in these marriages. Quite the contrary, the implications are much greater, but many people refuse to believe it. INED demonstrated this using a series of findings and figures. The percentages suggest that we think about the situation.

- First of all, the majority of parental separation situations reduce the
  average duration of studies of children aged 6 months to over a year.
- In privileged backgrounds in which the parents are college graduates or
  executives, a divorce doubles the failure rate in the Baccalaureate exam 
  (7% failure against 15% in case of divorce).
- The number of second cycle university graduates decreased from 45% to
  25% with the families in which a divorce has occurred.
- One in two children leaves school in case their mothers have no
  education as compared to 37% in a united family. Also, the number of
  university graduates dropped to three per cent.
- On the employee side, 22% of children have no degree although their mothers have graduated college,
  while there are only 11% such children in non-separated families and 30% are graduates, while 35% are
  not.

These academic difficulties and all the rest of the situations are due to rupture or parental home environment prior to separation or divorce. One thing is true and that it that not only the adults are involved in a rupture. Divorce and children are highly connected.

Divorce Market

There are already websites of firms that offer advice and services for divorces at attractive prices or agencies that buy bank loans after a separation.

But have you ever heard of a "list of divorce" or agencies that handle breakup for you and spare you of the trouble of figuring out how to divorce? Still confidential services in this area are increasing and should eventually become widespread.

Distribution of property

The bride and groom traditionally open a wedding list. Now, to initiate a chain of stores English, separating couples can have their "list of divorce."

This new service was launched by Debenhams which has stores throughout Great Britain. It allows divorcees to be offered gifts to build a new home for singles, such as linens, electrical appliances, TVs, Stereo ...

"Divorce can be expensive and with a list of divorce, family and friends can help each of the former to start a new life", says Peter Moore, head of sales for the chain. "In a divorce, one of two left the marital home and did nothing of what they needed to do for their new home".

A divorce is something to celebrate

Because many people view divorce as synonymous with failure, attemps are made to try and ward off disaster. According to Debenhams, the list of divorce has been launched at a time when the greeting cards as well as receptions for divorce are gaining in popularity.

In Brighton, United Kingdom, Faye Millar Baker's is riding this trend and offers divorce cakes for men or women wishing to celebrate a new beginning. Her creations, which cost between 65 and 900 euros, aim to encourage young divorced people to have a positive attitude towards the failure of their marriage .

Divorce party

In France, where there are 54 divorces per 100 marriages (57 divorces in Germany and 71 in Belgium, for example), agencies have smelled the seam and created an trend by throwing divorce parties. Julie Vincent and Rebecca Hazan, founders of the agency The WOF (Wedding out Factory), organize parties for divorced people (Between 50 and 100 euros per person).

This trend came straight from the United States and has met more and more success all over Europe: "We do not want to take advantage of the distress, but it is the right moment for doing business", said Rebecca Hazan. "This is not to trivialize the event. But used to organizing parties, we wanted to put our know-how on the market for all those wishing to mark this shift."

Agency failure

Marriage agencies bring customers to get married, but have decided to separate them!

So if you want to break up with your boyfriend, but you do not have the courage, Bernd Dressler, head of the Berlin agency Rupture (trennungsagentur.com) undertakes this for you and it works as a sort of divorce mediation. This contractor offers four packages ranging from 29.95 euros to 64.95 euros. The bad news can be announced over the phone, in writing or orally by Bernd Dressler himself.

Charged between 19 and 120 euros, the customer sets the tone for these packages in Switzerland, too: cuddly, firm or downright ruthless message.

Breaking up frequently

Another example of this trend is a divorce show which was held in Halifax, capital of the Canadian province of Nova Scotia this weekend. Another one will take place soon in Düsseldorf, Germany. These shows provide visitors with information on topics such as separation, children's education, property or pensions.

Maria Franks, Executive Director of the organization Legal Information Society of Nova Scotia and organizer of the divorce exhibition in Halifax, says that these shows allow visitors to be aware of the many aspects they have to consider during a divorce. Her salon proposed pit lawyers, hairdressers, estate agents, financial services and travel services, responsible dating sites and nutritionists. In short, enough to start a new life alone, but with all the necessary comforts.

Compensatory Allowance

The compensatory allowance is intended to offset the disparity in living standards caused by divorce. How to get it? How much is it? Here's our advice.

Who can get it?

All spouses who divorce may have significant financial consequences and may ask the judge to award a compensatory allowance.

This is possible regardless of the divorce procedure chosen by the spouses: divorce by mutual consent, agreed to conduct or irretrievable marital.

Thus, contrary to popular belief, in the context of divorce proceedings for misconduct, the offending spouse may not be denied the right to the compensatory allowance. However, if fairness dictates, the judge can refuse it, particularly in the case of a spouse's violence toward the other.

What is the amount?

The amount of the compensatory allowance is calculated based on the needs of those who demand it and the fortune of the spouse who pays it.

Also, there are certain details to be taken into consideration when determining the needs and resources:

- Age and health status of the spouses;
- Duration of marriage;
- Qualification and employment status according to the labor market situation in each respective areas
   of pensions;
- Career choices made by one spouse during cohabitation, choices for children's education or for promoting 
   the career of another;
- State of each spouse’s goods at divorce; and
- Existence of a potential wife.

Unless there are exceptional cases involved such as a seriously ill spouse, the amount generally does not exceed one third of the resources of the one who pays.

The benefit is a lump sum and is paid primarily in the form of capital. The amount is fixed or approved by the court at once for the sum of money or assignment of goods.  Moreover, there is the possibility in the form of payments over a period of 8 years. In this case, the payment amount is indexed as support.

Exceptionally, the benefit may be assigned by the judge as a life annuity. This is possible if the age or health status of the perceiver does not allow them to meet their needs. It can then be revised, suspended or removed if there is a significant change in resources or needs of the spouses involved.

What happens in case the debtor dies?

The compensatory allowance, whatever its form - principal, periodic payments or annuity - is levied on the estate and heirs are not personally liable for its payment. This means that if the amount of the estate cannot pay it in full, the debtor cannot ask the heirs to pay with their personal property.

Thus, if the compensatory allowance has been fixed as a lump sum payable by installments, the principal balance is levied on the estate. If the compensatory allowance has been set as an annuity, it is therefore replaced by a payable amount immediately.

Note:  Do not confuse support with the compensatory allowance. They do not have the same role, or the same characteristics. The compensatory allowance may be subject to a deduction from taxable income for the person who pays it. If you need any help with any kind of pensions divorce, you should do some thorough research beforehand, so that you are not caught off-guard.

Check List: Proceedings of Divorce

Choosing to get divorced is never an easy decision to make, but one comforting thing is that the steps to be followed have been simplified. Make sure to follow the proceedings and to get divorce legal advice in order to avoid complications and unnecessary costs.

A. Divorce by mutual consent

- Contact a lawyer or go for DIY divorce;
- Prepare the divorce agreement;
- Transmit the divorce petition lodged at the High Court;
- Get the call from the family court judge; and
- Proceed to the call .

Note: If the judge rejects the agreement, establishing a new one and showing it can be done within 6 months;

- Recover the modified marriage certificates and birth upon acceptance of the agreement by the judge.

B. Divorce by acceptance of the principle of marriage breakdown,
     divorce as a final break of the marriage bond,  or fault divorce

- Contact a lawyer;
- The divorce petition has to be filed by the lawyer;
- Receive a call from the family court judge to present yourself to the conciliation hearing;
- Proceed to the conciliation hearing. If there is no reconciliation, file a joint petition or an individual
   assignment;
- Receive a call from the family court judge to present yourself to the trial hearing;
- Proceed to the trial proceedings; and
- After the trial, recover the modified marriage and birthcertificates.

Note : Try to focus on the formula of divorce by mutual consent because it is much faster and cheaper and you do not want to waste a lot of time and money on this procedure.

Advice for Parents after Separation

Whatever the context, divorce remains a real upheaval in the lives of children, whatever their age. How can you protect your child after separation? This is the advice given to parents by Dr. Paul Bensussan.

What are the solutions or advice for parents after separation?

When it comes to divorce advice for men and women, Dr. Paul Bensussan says: In 'amicable' separations, arrangements for child care are the result of consultation between the parents, which may help alleviate the child’s distress. It is not the same at high conflict separations, in which there is conflict over the exercise of custody or visitation rights. It is therefore important to alleviate the child's fearful climate surrounding transitions.

The 'blues' on Sunday evening that even adults can feel is tenfold increased when the transition from one parent to another takes place in a hostile climate.  There may be  stony silence or an explosion of complaints such as delays due to traffic; cleanliness of the child; securing business class; or forgotten homework. In these cases, I gladly recommend more neutral transitions such as deploying the nanny or nursery, if the child does not attend school. It is much easier for the child than for the parent, to say goodbye at the gate of the school on a Monday morning ('mom it will get you tonight'), but this implies the willingness of both parents if the judge ordered the custodial parent's return home on Sunday evening. One is always free to dispense the rigid frame of the decision.  Moreover, as the children are older college students, transfers at transportation hubs makes life even easier.

During the weekends or holidays, we must also think about promoting contact - phone calls, sending postcards - between the child and the other parent. It is especially important that the child can censor the expression of a lack of fear of hurting the parent with whom they are. Telephone appointments can be determined in order to avoid the permanent telephone intrusion, quickly perceived as harassment. Then, the child wins: they know that this call is intended.

What are the solutions or advice for parents after separation? 

Finally, there are some things parents cannot find out when they go looking for legal divorce advice. We must resist the temptation to turn the child into a 'reporter' or a 'detective' by asking the least possible information about what is happening 'with the other'. Too many parents make these little mistakes which are a kind of dishonesty towards their children.

Remember the advice for a separate charge. Here is a list of tips and / or mistakes not to commit:

- Never forget that this child belongs to both of you;
- Never ask who they love more;
- Help them keep in touch with their other parent, too;
- Do not treat them as messengers;
- Let them see the other parent, too;
- Do not plan anything for the other parent’s time with the child;
- Do not treat the child like some sort of object;
- Do not fight when they are present;
- Do not say stuff they can’t see;
- Let them bring friends over;
- Agree on how they can spend money;
- Just make sure the child is happy;
- Don’t change their life too much; and
- Treat their grandparents nicely.

Although they may sometimes appear as angelic or utopian in a tense environment, this advice must be provided: everyone can measure the number of small faults such as clumsiness or others that may result from a children's sensitivity.  These can truly be attributed to the ordeal of separation.

Word of Women: A Successful Divorce

Marianne, 51, lives in Troyes, 2 children, 17 and 13 years old, realtor
A successful separation 

"We decided to separate, my husband and I, because of the weariness of our life together. It happened very quickly. The procedure was initiated after 3 months after talking and the divorce after 10 months. It was so because we divorced by mutual consent. We both agreed on child custody and alimony. The lawyer was a mutual friend and he did exactly what we wanted and the judge followed.

Lucile, 32, lives in Paris, a 6-year-old child, controller
Alternating custody 

"We divorced by mutual consent five years ago. We had one child who was a toddler at the time.
Joint custody did not exist legally, and the judge gave me custody of Valentin. But my job required me to travel frequently. Fortunately, my ex-husband himself had a sedentary job and he had found a home not far from home. It is natural that we have come to the alternate residence, without appearing before the Family Court judge. We made decisions together: religion, education, type of education. It was not always obvious.
There are errors to avoid. E.g. Christmas or birthday together: when one parent leaves the child, they are confused and want them to stay. On the other hand, the child's father was not too good at caring for the child every day. He tended to see the gifts that he did not present, relying too much on the baby-sitter. But overall, I think it's a good solution for the child.

Anne, 27, lives in Roubaix, childless, decorator.
A former gold 

When he told me he wanted to regain his freedom, the sky fell on my head. And it was worse when I learned that he had shared his life with another woman for several years. But now I think it's an opportunity that presented itself to me. I had married just after high school and Yves was much older than me. In fact, he was the father I never had. I prolonged my childhood with him. I did not graduate. I have not worked. Yves had a lovely job and we did not need a second income. He felt guilty for not having pushed me to study. I now live with a boy of my age and I am very happy with him.

Christina, 74, lives in Vernon, 5 children, retired.
A new beginning at age 72

There was disagreement over a long time. First, we said we would leave after our last child’s departure. Then, my husband wanted to sell his cabinet. He is a doctor and I had been his assistant since he left the hospital to practice in a firm. But one would think we were masochistic and our daily shouting matches we had become essential to every term we had set. Finally, I made my decision when I learned that I could have enough to live decently, although I had never been declared. My husband kept our apartment in Evreux, and I went home at the countryside, where I am at ease among my roses, my children and grandchildren when they come on holiday.

Alternating Residence Beside the Mother

We interviewed Viviane, who works with the media, to know her views on alternating residence.

Vivian’s Testimony

I imposed an alternating care for 1 year and a half. I am 34 years old and I have always lived in Paris. I married in 1993, I had my daughter in January 1997. We parted with her father when she was a few months old and our divorce was finalized in 2000.

Our experience with joint custody was imposed by the judge in conciliation. Indeed, each of us asked to be her guardian and the president has preferred not to rule on the residence of P (our daughter) on behalf of one or the other from the start of the procedure. She wanted to further investigate the case and clarify his views in a complex case from the outside.

We rented an apartment and had a nanny at home since the birth of P, the judge decided that P would remain in the apartment full time with the nanny during the day, her father cares during the odd weeks and I, the even weeks.

We had to share the cost of the nanny, the rent, etc...

There was no connection between her father and me as we alternated custody on Monday nights.

This worked for 1 1 / 2 years, up to a judge's decision on our divorce.  The separation was difficult for my daughter because she was very young
By being sincere, this solution worked well.

At first, the situation was resolved as clockwork. She quickly picked up the steady and consistent pace with this solution. It is true - she has the chance of having a remarkably constant presence of women (the nanny). Of course, she is not her mother, but her role is crucial. That said, I do not really know how the effects of repeated separations work. What I know is that today the child is very balanced, serene and does not feel abandoned by one or the other.

For me (I will not speak for her father!), the situation was difficult because I was separated from my daughter, but the weeks "without" allowed me to step back, emotionally and humanly "cashing" the throes of divorce "warrior".

This solution has also probably helped much because I think none of us felt the gross injustice of the arbitrary custody decided by a judge who did not yet know the facts.

Nevertheless, this solution was stopped and P came to live with me, but always sees much of her father.

Without the judge's decision, I never would have decided on an alternating custody, assuming that a child should stay with the mother if possible, especially if they are young. That said, seeing the result today after not taking any divorce legal advice, I must admit that it has been quite beneficial for now.

We really watch ourselves about "arguing", we know that we can risk losing our deep application.

Today, we do not continue this system of care because I think that P has grown a lot and her first 7 years must be mostly with me. We also still have some catching up to do in the mother / daughter department.

It is impossible to decide once and for all what a child’s life should be like. We parents must constantly observe, listen, question and try to be as close as possible to the real needs of our children. And who knows if it's hard as this is not like a DIY divorce - you cannot decide everything on your own!

Alternating Residence Beside the Father

We interviewed Felix, 36, a businessman and Philip's father, aged 6, to hear his views on alternating residence.

Testimony of Felix, divorced, 36 years old, Phillip's father. Philip is 6 years old.

You have been practicing alternate residence for five years and it is precisely because the current divorce law is changing. As a precursor, why and how did you choose this type of care?

In 1996, when we divorced, it was not legally possible to have a dual residency for the child.

The judge gave custody to my wife, but she frequently needed to move for professional reasons. Naturally, we turned to this type of solution, without going before the judge for family affairs.

What advice would you give parents who are considering this type of solution?

In my opinion, there must be dialogue between parents, a common vision of education (school choice, religion etc ...), and obviously a geographical proximity. But there is a mistake not to commit: Everyone should stay home - I'm never going to dinner or a drink with my ex. Initially, we tried to celebrate Phillip’s birthday together: he has completely destabilized. When the moment of separation came, he no longer knew whom he was to go with and did not want to leave one of the two. It was very sad and I told him he had to sleep with his mom that night since we alternate Christmas every other year and we celebrate two anniversaries.

Is there a risk for children and one for you? 

In my opinion, there is no risk when it comes to divorce and children, but it requires both parents to better deal with it.

What do you think are the advantages of alternating care for you, your ex-wife and your children? 

I think that it provides stability for the child and it prevents parents from becoming gift fathers or mothers.

Nothing changes for the fathers who cared for their children before the divorce.

But for others, there is a clear drift to become a gift dad this time of a weekend and males have a great ability to pull away from children.

Each parent can participate in the daily life of the child and can fully engage in a week.

We are best able to manage any disease, for we know that we can breathe the next week.

What do you think are the disadvantages of shared custody, for you and your ex-wife and children?

The first drawback: it is forbidden to move and it all stays in the same area.

Imagine recomposed two couples, while four were married, making a simple calculation that ultimately involves 16 adults, let alone children.

Second drawback: There are two of everything.

How did your child react when he found himself facing two houses? 

Well, he separates the two completely.

When Phil arrived home, I always told him how long it will last so he could find out. I counted on his fingers so that he would understand it better and not be too unhappy.

Do you think we should generalize this type of care? 

We can generalize this custody method because there is no reason why women should take full responsibility after the divorce.

How to Recover After a Divorce

Recovering after a divorce is a long, bumpy process, so here is some divorce advice for men and women on the different phases one goes through.  Reviewing the list, you can see where you stand.

The different phases of reconstruction 

1 - The phase of depression: 

This is the first step, the more painful thing is to get over the grief, the pain of loss, loneliness, attention and criticism of children. Stand firm and do not stay alone, call your friends to the rescue.

To not renew the wound, make a physical and mental break with your ex, no phone calls, no meetings. It is very important to be able to recover and restore.

2 - The acceptance phase: 

Accepting is integrating your history.  It is not being angry and resentful or feeling guilty, nor is it not having regrets or feeling remorse. It is difficult, but it is not impossible! However, it takes time.  It's like a deep wound healing.  It is a genuine process of grieving for the former couple's relationship is similar to a psychic work of integration and regeneration.

3 - The phase "I assume I’ll get over": 

It is important to make an honest appraisal of your mistakes and of what went wrong in the relationship, not just blame the former partner!

The relationship has two ends as everyone has their share of responsibilities. Think of what attitudes were negative or toxic to the relationship. This will help you set new foundations and will prevent you from falling into the same traps.

4 - The phase of fear:

There can be a quite normal period of fear after a phase of well-being, in which you have overcome the legal and administrative challenges of divorce. The first and most ancient is the fear of the unknown. It is legitimate because not knowing what awaits us proves that we change our habits, we change our lives and that we do not control our future. You should take small steps and not get too upset, so take it easy.

The fear of living alone is the most classic. We hate returning to ourselves, our choices and our loneliness. Being a good companion for yourself teaches you to be stronger and to have more autonomy.

5 - The regeneration phase: 

This is the phase of rebirth, you find happiness in your ability, your ability to savor the small joys of the moment, you are finally positive!

Regardless of the divorce advice for women and men, the solutions are within us  We are our own healers, but sometimes we need help to rekindle the spark of life we need in order to survive.

Divorcing After the Holidays

- I do not know where I am ...
- There is nothing more to say ...
- I miss him ...

No doubt, your marriage is in crisis.

Should we rely on the holidays to pick up the pieces or to precipitate the break?

The holiday means relaxation and laziness. You have opened a space of liberty for reflection from the everyday rush that you experience throughout the year.

And you were determined to take stock of your marriage and calmly analyze the situation:

- Who is to blame?
- How did I get here?
- Why is there broken communication?
- What is my responsibility?
- Do I just need to breathe?

The discussion began at a restaurant or during a walk in a quiet place, away from children.

Did this conversation clarify the status of your relationship? What is your assessment now?

- You managed to resume to talks, good resolutions and commitments have been made on both sides.
   Bravo! You started off on the right foot. The holidays have indeed saved your marriage.

or:

- Despite all the efforts, no concessions have been made, everyone remained on their positions. It is the
  misunderstanding and failure that proved reconciliation impossible. Then, you're more determined than ever
  to tackle everything from the start. The holidays usually help you identify the problems in your relationship.

Have you taken advantage of the holidays to take a break?

A temporary separation of 8 or 15 days both of you agree with. Experience a true moment of solitude, without seeing each other, without calling each other.

Take a break in your relationship, step back, reflect on your marriage and measure the degree of attachment to one another.

- What are my feelings?
- That does this relationship bring?
- What do we share?

How did you experience this separation? What is your assessment of this experience?

- You have clarified your feelings and you wait to find that special someone. If you are married, you are
   thinking of how to divorce. Back at home, you've decided to make a clean sweep of past quarrels and
   pursue an adventure for two.

or:

- The single life has seduced you and you felt free at last. Under these circumstances, it is clear that the
   reunion did not go very well. You only have one thing in mind and that is accelerating the separation
   procedure.

When a couple is struggling, there is no magic formula for picking up the pieces, but it is important that everyone is convinced that they have tried everything to revive the love. Thus, the decision to sever is not taken on a whim. It is thoughtful and it will facilitate the future efforts with regard to your separation or all those things like divorce mediation and alimony stuff.

10 Basic Principles to Overcome Your Divorce

Divorce is not the end of the world!

1. Do not confuse divorce and failure 

Everyone has the right to make mistakes. You suffer, it's normal, but it is always possible to start a new life together starting afresh on a sounder footing. This may take time, but it is possible, others have done it, so why can't you!

2. Express your emotions 

Do not bottle up your emotions. You are going through a period of intense stress. Do not bury your anger, your sorrow, your fears, but remember that these can serve as allies: these emotions will take you to new insights that help you rebuild your life.

3. Take advantage of this crisis to take stock of your love life

Be honest with yourself in a divorce and don’t throw the blame on the other one, try to take stock of what went wrong, of your needs and deepest desires, of your reactions. This development can transform you and the more you can avoid making the same mistakes in your future relationships.

4. Do not feel guilty! it is useless if you weaken yourself! 

Be your own ally. Once the decision is made, do not regret it as there is nothing worse than feeling guilty. You've faced this situation as you could, that's all!

5. Feel free to talk, share with others who have experienced the same thing as you! 

It's very good for your morale to realize that you are not the only one in the world to experience this horror and this will help you a lot more!

6. You suffer terribly, you feel lonely, misunderstood 

Do not hesitate to consult a professional psychologist, marriage counselor or another. It helps put things flat and helps with not dramatizing the situation.Therefore, get any kind of divorce help from wherever you can.

7. Take time to pamper yourself and relax 

In order not to get overwhelmed by stress or grief, take care of yourself by doing physical activity, yoga or take up swimming, relaxation therapy or practicing a hobby that can disconnect you from your problems.

8. Take a job if you can

Nothing is worse than turning around alone with your concerns. In many cases, women who work overcome their divorce better because they are different from a social point of view. Monsieur!

9. Try to stay positive 

Once a crisis is over, it resets the counters and gives you the opportunity to start again. Life is not static, it is in perpetual motion and it has a lot of questions. Crises, as difficult and painful as they are, often provide real opportunities for personal growth and rebirth.

10. You have finally accepted the ordeal you've been through. 

Bravo! It means that you have done your mourning of your old relationship and that you have taken into account all the separation divorce advice you got. Now, you are ready for another one.

Divorce: 10 Tips to manage the period after a divorce

It is not easy to separate after 10 or 20 years spent together. How should the children, family and friends act and react? How to think your existence otherwise? Here are some tips for a successful divorce.

Should there be a review?

Yes, there should be a review if you have any dependent children. "This way, you can prevent the children from staying in the basement of a building without even wanting to exit through the front door," said Patrick Estrade, a psychotherapist in Nice.

For Laurent Bavaria, president of the French Association of Solos, it all depends on the quality of the relationship. "I saw everything, even separated couples who were part of our association together!" In any case, the shrink says that "the failure is a situation of war, even when one believes that everything is well. It is normal and healthy to go through a phase of disenchantment. They then give up on any friendly relations."

Talking to the children

"Whatever their age, children should not be the last to know," advises Patrick Estrade. They feel that the situation is tense despite of all your efforts: this feeling is widespread, especially in the absence of words and it is more distressing than the announcement of a clear separation itself.

However, beware of preconceptions: even teenagers or young adults may be affected by this announcement. "One day, I saw a boy aged 18 in consultation, a boy who had told his parents that he would kill himself if they separated." So, be sure to maintain a cordial dialogue with children, keeping them away from hatred and quarrels that do not concern them.

What about the grandchildren?

It is important to continue to cultivate this emotional bond that is so strong and that you attach to the grandchildren. "The risk is that the children end up feeling guilty or acting like victims because of this situation," said Patrick Estrade.

Again, whatever their age, it is important to explain to them the new situation with simple words, insisting that this does not change the love you give them. You should know that justice guarantees a right of access for grandparents and you can still use the Internet, mail or telephone to tell them you're thinking of them.

What about the relationships with the in-laws?

After years of living together, you have obviously established a relationship with your stepfamily (stepparents, brothers, sisters-in-law). What about the relationships to be maintained after the separation has been consumed?

“Why could not they be maintained? However, it is better not to delude ourselves: every parent will tend to side with their child," said Patrick Estrade.  He advises not to rush to announce the divorce of the parents. "Sometimes, the distance created by the very idea of separation allows a fresh start in the couple".

What about friends?

A divorce does not mean that one must draw a line after 20 or 30 years of friendship, regardless of the divorce grounds. However, the purpose should be qualified. "First of all," says Lawrence Bavaria, “there is something we should pay attention to when it comes to getting separated: it is in difficult times that we recognize the true friends. Some will turn their backs, others will enjoy criticizing your ex and you do not necessarily want to hear it. Furthermore, our friends often lead the same life as us: married with children... It is not so easy to be only "solo" among couples in the evenings after the divorce."

How long should you be sad?

Whether you are the one who leaves or the one who is left, separation means loss and, as noted by Patrick Estrade, "grief has five stages: the shock of the announcement or the decision-making, the anger or revolt, bargaining - when one tries to say that they could start otherwise - the depression or sadness and the acceptance." It is normal to feel blue for a while.

"If you continue to not want to go out after a few months and you go on crying and isolating yourself, you should talk. The subject of getting separated may be reopened in order for other injuries to be healed."

Should you move?

Why not move back home just in order to be able to turn the page? "Many of our members have returned to their home areas," observes Lawrence Bavaria.

However, this may be an opportunity to change the decor when removal is not possible (because of the children who are attached to the place or for material reasons). "Do not turn your living space into a memorial to the glory of your dead love. Instead, take the opportunity to indulge yourself: get rid of what you do not like, build a place where you can cocoon and start on a new footing. It is important from a symbolic point of view," advises Patrick Estrade.

How to spend the next Christmas?

"There is nothing worse than the first Christmas spent alone at home without the children. It happened to me after my divorce and it was awful. Christmas is a family celebration in the eyes of society: for someone who just got separated, it is a blow to their morale," Bavaria remembers.

He advises to anticipate: plan an outing or an evening with friends well in advance. However, Christmas is also the time when the old quarrels may resurface. You're fragile and not necessarily ready to confront each other’s jealousy or slandering".

Creating a clan of solos- is that a good idea?

"Yes," says Lawrence obviously Bavaria, who founded the French Association of Solos in this spirit. "We need social relationships, we need to go out, to talk to others about what they saw." This is called "social support".

"Anything that can facilitate the encounter with others should be encouraged,” confirms Patrick Estrade. “But we must also allow time to get us back to consciousness, to listen to us, to feel our new self. If we do not reach this awareness, we cannot leave and it's hard to meet with others again."

Allow yourself a new story?

Separation, experienced as a Ratag love, is a narcissistic injury. Therefore, it is not easy to envisage a different story: we no longer trust ourselves or other people.

First board: reconnect with what Patrick Estrade called "self-concern", taking care of yourself, agreeing with small pleasures, wanting to be pretty.

Second tip: be available. "The meeting always arises when you least expect it. We must be able to host it. Even if only for one night: love is extremely comforting and puts in a dynamic of seduction the first time someone has again raised an eye on you. Enjoy it without guilt."

The Alimony

The court sets spousal support to repair the economic imbalance that the marital breakdown can cause with one of the spouses. The pension is set up to compensate, for example, the dedication of one spouse to homecare and to their family for the entire duration of the marriage or partnership. The amount of the pension is fixed by the judge on the basis of the income and property of the person to satisfy.

In some European countries, there is not any tariff that the judge must comply with when determining spousal maintenance. Therefore, the judge can set a specific amount according to his or her sole discretion, within the range of the law. Also, there is no time limit, but its duration will depend on the duration of cohabitation and the recipient's ability to obtain their own financial resources to place them at a standard of living similar to that enjoyed during marriage. Thus, the recipient's work does not lead, in principle and automatically, to their extinction.

The alimony is sought in the divorce procedure when the perception of the spouses is not compatible with the maintenance payments. Therefore, the procedures for provisional measures shall be fixed for the disadvantaged spouse, the alimony being replaced by the alimony in the decree of separation and after the processing of the due lawsuit.

You can obtain the alimony established in the decree of separation in the procedures for divorce, but if it is not recognized in the separation procedure, it does not remain valid after the divorce.

The amount stated in the decree of separation is updated every year according to the change in the Consumer Price Index published by the National Institute of Statistics. The amount of the pension can be modified in court in cases where the beneficiary can improve or worsen their economic situation. These same circumstances may also lead to termination of alimony.

For its part, the liquidation of community property after separation or the divorce proceedings lead to the extinction of the board unless it concurs with a change in the economic circumstances of the obligor or the assets seized after settlement produce a return to overcome the imbalance that led to its establishment.

The non-payment of alimony, like that of child support, can result in the commission of a crime of family abandonment, which is punishable by imprisonment from 3 months to a year or a fine for 6 to 24 months.

It is always advisable to obtain the advice of a lawyer who, in view of the peculiarities of each case, will inform you whether to initiate the appropriate legal action for the pensions divorce or not.

Separation and Divorce

Along with death and the declaration of death, divorce is one of three ways in which you can dissolve a marriage. Given the importance of these issues, it is essential that, before acting, you seek professional advice from a lawyer. If you are sufficiently informed, you can now hire the services on the Internet when it comes to separation or divorce by mutual consent or through litigation.

Then examine the causes, the kinds and effects of divorce.

Following the Civil Code reform implemented in July 2005, the spouses can choose either separation or divorce, without need to login to request the separation, and then, the divorce. They can dissolve the marriage directly.

For the divorce to occur, you must have sufficient proof that three months from the marriage have passed without having to rely on any grounds justifying the request.

As in the case of separation, the divorce can be made by mutual agreement or there can be a contentious divorce, in which you cannot give "facts".

In the judicial separation by mutual consent, the trial is quick and easy. The demand has to be followed by a regulatory agreement which must be ratified and which must contain information concerning the agreements reached regarding the guardianship and the custody of children, visitation, pensions, family home use, etc. This demand may be presented by both spouses or by one of them with the consent of the other.

The judge and prosecutor serve the interests of the child and respect the agreements signed by the spouses.

If one spouse does not have the consent of the other, the demand does not have to be accompanied by any regulatory agreement and there is no need for any divorce grounds. However, it is necessary to have passed at least three months of marriage.

It is necessary for this period to have elapsed if there is no risk to life, freedom, physical or moral integrity or sexual freedom.

As for the contentious separation, the procedure is long and complex and it reaches high costs, both economically and personally for both parties. Depending on the circumstances, you can get separated before getting divorced, as there is a call for interim measures that set the financial situation of the spouses on the right track (matrimonial expenses) until the conclusion of the divorce proceedings.   When it comes to the children  interim measures can include: allocation of parental rights, of the guardianship and custody of children, visitation and communication, and alimony.
A divorce dissolves the marriage bond altering the status of those who until then were spouses and who are now allowed to contract a new marriage.

This involves dissolution of the loss of inheritance rights between spouses; the loss of pension for widows, as well as direct obligations of marriage; the duties of aid and loyalty; commitment to ensure the interests of the family; and the obligation to pay maintenance among other matters.

The rupture of this bond does not affect the obligations of the spouses to their children as they arise in the family relationship and not in the marriage itself.

Is Revenge the Only Way?

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth? Revenge leads to revenge and this is an endless spiral. You have to become the master of your reactions.

Getting revenge for a small insult will make you suffer even more. Those who spend their time looking for revenge do not do anything for themselves. But what happens next? Stick to protecting yourself and to making sure that no one can do you any harm. Any vengeance on your part will strengthen your attacker and make them more successful and will damage your prestige among the others. Any revenge diverts you from your goals, you will always be angry, you will lose your coolness and you will make irreparable mistakes. In urging you to get revenge, people take you wherever they want. By seeking vengeance, you are no better than your attacker.

Revenge is the last resort of the weak. Those who know nothing, do not see it coming because they cannot. They may be attacked and the attack may fail, leading the attacker to find a better way to hurt the person in question. The failure of revenge is inevitable because it is impossible to go back in time. Those who avenge themselves suffer because they do not accept the reality.

Revenge is hell, rage, anger, and fury. Yet, who would avenge the collapse of the roof, the leaking pipe, the rock they stunble upon? What we do is learn to strengthen the roof, to clean the pipes, and watch out we walk. We need to know the world in order to protect ourselves against its dangers. This is an act of wisdom.

It is the same with the people we meet. We must know their nature in order to protect ourselves from their revenge, which is far from giving a lesson to another. In fact, vengeance only adds more damage to the harm done. It will generate even more resentment and thus, the person will be more willing to harm you. As for our eventual position of strength that would justify our action, remember that what goes around turns around and powerful allies can turn against you and crush you. Revenge may not always be successful and this frustration can sometimes result in violence.

If you learn that someone wants to harm you, take the front, hide your projects, and schedule backup solutions. In short, counter their bad action. Reverse their attempt. When one has pulled it off, it is too late to ask for revenge. There is more to stand up  for.  Let them continue their journey.

What Will Become of Me If My Relationship Is Over?

It is almost impossible to overstate the level of anxiety and feelings of failure associated with an emotional breakdown that comes with the end of a relationship.

Besides the pain of a separation or divorce, many are faced with the fear of being judged by society and this is where their anguish ads and what makes them feel like aliens for having ended a relationship which they probably should not have ended.

In many cases, feelings of failure and guilt are also experienced by those whose relationships have ended due to the death of their spouse. It is very common that people also experience a strong sense of loss after the dissolution of the relationship, apart from feelings of failure.

The meaning, connection and membership are very real and basic desires of the human condition itself. For women, the relationship may even represent their own identity and their position in certain communities as they can be totally defined by their relationship. The truth is that an emotional breakdown is hard to bear and it can get to play an important role in terms of reducing their self-worth and self esteem when it comes to women. This is because a women's sense of being is directly linked to the quality of their relationships with others.

So, what to expect when the relationship ends?

 If the relationship ends by mutual agreement and the decision is accepted by both parties in an amicable manner, the parties will undoubtedly experience pain, but the feelings of failure and guilt will be lower. The sense of loss will be much greater if the relationship ends due to death or as a result of incompatibility, infidelity, anger, hostility, emotional or physical abuse, etc.

The truth is that the feelings associated with the dissolution of the relationship may lead the individual to revive certain aspects of an earlier stage in their life, probably when a teenager, when the person was just getting interested and socialized with the opposite sex.  It is during this stage when a person has their first real experiences of anxiety and uncertainty about the interest that may or may not wake up in others.

The breakup becomes very difficult for women especially when it has already entered into the full time period, i.e. past 35 years. This is because, from a cultural perspective, women have grown convinced that feeling fulfilled requires the presence of a man in her life. Therefore, one ends up believing that if they do not have someone to share their life with, it is better to get someone before it is too late.

Many women who do not have a partner for either a short or long period of time, certainly did not plan their lives around that way, but what is important to remember is that the way in which a woman decides to turn her life during and the periods of time that she chooses can determine her own self-growth or regression.

Throughout history, women have always showed great emotional strength and courage during difficult times, but when a woman enters a relationship, perhaps for purely cultural reasons, she begins to rely on the man’s strength.  Thus, when the relationship ends, either by separation, divorce or death, she begins to feel that her ability to cope with this situation emotionally is diminished and thus she cannot be given an opportunity to continue growing as an individual.

Given this reality, what can then make the woman? Well, we could say there are two possible ways:

 1)   She can go find a new partner immediately, which in fact is not the most recommended as she is not  
       ready emotionally and almost always runs the risk of accepting someone who may end up causing her 
       more pain than relief; and,

 2)   She can take the time to address the situation while planning her own way through her personal
       growth, giving the possibility of again becoming an independent and self-confident individual.

Once she has reached this point through the acquisition of certain important skills, they will also be useful when the time comes that she decides to start a new relationship, so they can feel safe enough, if they wish, to find the right person for this part of their life and have a relationship that really makes them feel satisfied and fulfilled.

The Real War of the Roses

Or how fiction is an exaggeration of reality, which provides further teaching

Someone once said that anyone who tries to defend themselves has a fool for a lawyer.  The American journalist and astute businessman William "Billy" Rose suffered that experience many years ago. One day, he decided to divorce Eleanor Rose and concocted all sorts of wickedness not to give her a single dollar. He was a man of great power and enormous goodwill.

His fame throughout the United States was so great that the press soon headlined the mess as "The Wars of the Roses." Journalism did a comparison with the famous "War of the Roses," the famous dispute for the throne of England between the noble houses of York and Lancaster. A standoff that lasted 30 years.

Warren Adler wrote an exaggerated and improbable book, based on “The American divorce”: "The War of the Roses." Filmed by Danny De Vito (as actor and director), the film starred Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. It tells the tragicomic story of a couple who commits so many follies, outrages and atrocities that the divorce ridiculously ends with the death of both. It has nothing to do with reality, which was much more interesting and inspiring, as we shall see.

The divorce lawyers argue that there is nothing more perverse and dirtier than the disputes between spouses.  Anger, abomination, and poison of two people come out.  Lest we forget, they sworn eternal love "till death do us part."

The director, Louis Nizer, was kept away from the press and Eleanor was put to watch the greatest circumspection. Billy, who had the patronage of a famous New York lawyer, Arthur Garfield Hays, decided to handle their case. He talked and talked in front of every microphone, which he kept near his mouth. "I hoped that his reputation was the best weapon we have. I even dared to predict that the court will burn Troy."

The meetings of the parties prior to trial showed an outspoken, arrogant, insulting Billy, one giving absolutely no importance to his counsel’s advice, who did not resign because he perceived succulent fees. He was in charge of the case and, just like the fish, he "died because of his big mouth".

In his eagerness to get rid of Eleanor, Billy Rose did not assess the situation correctly and, so unexpectedly, he provided clues that allowed the taking of evidence which was very damaging to him and the distribution of goods he intended to avoid. Reaching the podium in such conditions would have been his moral Waterloo, especially because they was irrefutable evidence of adultery, of cheating on Eleanor with Milton Berle’s wife, Milton being one of the most famous American showmen, who turned 93 last July 12.

Few minutes before the hearing, the judge received the parties and accepted Billy Rose’s unconditional surrender, as he dropped the suit and accepted all the legal requirements imposed on the counterparty.

Thus ended "War of the Roses", the American version. Eleanor pocketed several million dollars, mansions and works of art of great value.

Of course, there was great unease among the people of the press - especially the tabloids - that was assisting the marital scandal of the century. Billy Rose was a fanatic, no doubt about it, but it turned out he was not stupid.

Eleanor did not celebrate her win, except for the dogs she got from her ex-husband. "Despite everything he said, did and lied – she confessed bluntly – I do not hold grudges; the years we lived together were very happy."

Conclusion: one is master of their silence and slave of their words, especially when there is the hair of a beautiful woman and a yoke of oxen in the middle.