Who said that a divorce only affects kids?
The average person seems to think that parental divorce does not affect an adult or that it does not change their life, but in reality, this type of separation greatly affects adults, too.
It affects people’s minds, not necessarily their daily routines. Adults do not generally blame themselves for the divorce like kids do, yet they often wonder whether they could have done something to prevent it and this kind of separation can be as traumatic as a death for many adult children.
It actually is like death from a certain point of view. It is a family death. Adult children go through the same stages of grief, anger, denial and so on, just like if they were minors. The situation often leads to these children meddling, hoping to be a mediator or something like that or taking sides with either of them.
Separation is the same as loss
Adult children lose many things when their parents divorce. Many lose their sense of childhood. Parents often say that they prefer to separate when the children grow. This makes these children wonder if all the happiness experienced in childhood was a lie.
Adult children also lose their sense of home and security. The security offered let them know that whatever happens in their lives, they can always go home. This security can be very important for children around 20 years old that have recently started their own life.
However, home was mom and dad and a loving family, but this family has been destroyed. These children feel that they no longer belong to a home, they have to redefine what a home means to them and in a very drastic way. They also lose the traditions they had enjoyed all their lives. They lose simple pleasures like dinner with Mom and Dad. They lose their life, although the changes are not very significant.
Many adult children trust their relationships with the opposite sex. They think that if their dad had an affair all these years, they can no longer trust a man and that if their parents’ marriage was so bad, they can never trust marriage again.
These situations are difficult to treat and can cause problems for these children in the future or lead to distrust of marriage or avoiding any relationship. Adult children of divorced parents may also lose their models or heroes. The people they admired, their parents, can become very fallible, especially if they are involved in the divorce or if they are to be blamed for it.
My parents, these people...
A further complication faced by adult children is that they can see the whole truth, being adults. Their parents become real people with real problems. One of the biggest reasons why they may be affected by the divorce has to do with the fact that they now understand many more things. However, kids also understand a lot more of what their parents think.
Infidelity is the most important behavior that shocks with adult children. Adult children are aware that it exists, but their parents never thought they could do it. After all, it is the parents themselves who promote the idea that these things are wrong. A father who respects this idea cannot do it. This frequently makes adult children angry and depressed. However, marital infidelity is just one part of the divorce and it is one of the many factors there are.
Then, adult children can feel other sensations, too:
Many of us were taught to believe that marriage lasts forever, but when our parents decide to get separated, we get a little bit confused. Somehow it's just like with marital infidelity. Our parents do not do what they taught us to do.
Selfishness: adult children feel that their parents are selfish when they divorce. Things get pretty confusing: when a parent decides to go on trial with the other parent for material goods; if a parent refuses to talk to the child if they are related to another; or when they do not give rise to the child because they believe they are not theirs. The "problem" in these situations is when the adult children see their parents as selfish.
On the other hand, when the parent refuses to overcome the divorce, continuing to demand for help and compassion, they can also be seen as selfish. There are many more minor behaviors such as a parent refusing to give the other family photos, for example, also creating this feeling in the child. Seeing this selfishness in a parent may enrage the adult children.
Divorce makes adult children see their parents as private individuals rather than a pair. How can they be just humans instead of parents?
Children discover aspects of their parents’ personality that they have never seen in their lives and new attitudes can be observed, attitudes they never imagined that their parents could have. If this upsets the child, it might cost them the relationship they had before the divorce.
