Couples on the Verge of Separation

We come to separation, but do we really want to get separated?

We often hear people complaining about their relationship, but they also claim that they cannot get separated.

Generally, the decision is made because something breaks and the two express the desire to materialize the separation after getting professional divorce help.

The first question that arises at this point is whether you can go through a separation and if you can handle the suffering. On the other hand, it is also questionable if the two really want to get separated.

In some cases, the dissolution of the relationship extends beyond the time expected. This shows the difficulty to make the cut, which will surely bring new opportunities to everyone.

Making the cut involves mourning and starting to feel that something has changed and this is very painful.

It also involves making the decision and moving from words to deeds. Finally, making the cut means occupying a new place in the social environment and having a different appreciation of family and friends.

However, not all couples move to dissolution and to breaking up in court. Many like the repetition of scenes and the criticisms and misunderstandings that make up the relationship.

In these cases, the separation is completed.  But if it is, it can cause long-term suffering for the whole family.

In these cases, it is very useful to go to a professional consultation or to get divorce advice for women and men in order to clarify the situation and prevent the occurrence of psychological disorders in the family. Usually, the children are the ones who have a very significant reaction to what happens to their parents.

The Art of Breaking Up When You're Parents

A breakup is never easy. Things get even more complicated when children are involved.

The stakes are bigger and so is the risk of conflict. Fortunately, it is possible to live through a separation by reducing the family crisis. Psychologist Holy Father Francis explains how.

The arrival of a child and the breakup

The very coming of a first child can trigger a rupture. "In most relationships, the birth of a child, especially the first, greatly changes the lives of couples", says St. Father Francis, psychologist specializing in couples therapy, family mediator and author. "The spouses have less time to be together, to talk and share activities other than daily chores. In the early days especially, fatigue is experienced, there is lack of patience and the frequency of sex decreases. Having a baby is certainly the largest project of a couple, but it can be very hard for them”, the psychologist admits.

Family mediation

Generally, most issues of separation are large - including children -, more partners being likely to work hard to avoid it and turning to divorce help. However, it sometimes becomes inexorable. How to alleviate the suffering of children when this happens? St Francis Father thinks they should not take them hostage. The psychologist also invites all parents to take up family mediation. "The family mediator is there to help partners make a clear break, without bias. In addition, it is a free service", he says.

The announcement of the breakup

"Ideally, parents should wait until the end of the school year to announce their breakup. Thus, children have all summer to adjust to this new situation, before the new school year starts. If it is not possible, parents should announce the separation during the weekend rather than during the week. The announcement should always be made by both parents and they should not blame each other", says St. Father Francis. He also suggests reading “The couple broke. Rebuild the break itself”, a book written by Dr. Christophe Faure, who discusses in detail how to announce the separation to the children.

Separation

Here are some tips to soften the breakup for the child:

- Listen to them and encourage them to express their sadness, anger and fears
- Stick to their daily routine as much as possible, in order not to further destabilize the situation
- Remind them that they are not responsible for the situation
- Help them understand and accept that failure as final
- Reassure them that both parents still love them despite the separation
- Do not speak ill of the absent parent
- Avoid using the child to send personal messages to the other parent

You can also look for more separation divorce advice and make sure that things are easy as possible for the child.

Parents Must Be Present!

Quebec families are caught in the hustle of modern life: work, household, transportation, training, meals...

All societies have rituals to celebrate a community member’s passage from childhood to adolescence.  After school, our young children often finds themselves very lonely -- detached from the family. The communication between parents and teens has a special importance.

Teens out of the basement

It's tempting as a parent to save a little time and let them "live their lives locked in their room or in the basement with their music, television, friends, and especially their mobile computer… But is that really what they need?

Be present

Parents believe children can manage with their school work, hours of sleep, or hours of output.
Error: the young person is a being that needs changing markers, direction, and limits. Now, you only play your part as a parent if you are present and if you spend quality time together!

Having control of the situation

Your presence brings an automatic control element in your teen’s life. Who tells you that your child does what they have to do when you're at work? Did they bring friends at home at lunchtime or after school? Can they watch TV, play video games or learn the physiological characteristics of human reproduction from the Net?

Also note that some 13 year-olds return home early in the afternoon while their parents come home only early in the evening. Perhaps, it is too much to ask a 13-year-old to take care of themselves for three or four hours a day.

Ceasing the opportunities of communicating

Communication is a skill that requires training and maintenance, just like marriage and divorce. Thus, you have to maximize the opportunities of communicating with your teenager. A child or young person has the functions "pause" or "rewind", just like a machine. You had better be there and available when they are ready to talk, otherwise you'll wait for the next miracle.

Organization of their time

Have you thought about working at home? Can you choose your next job according to the schedule of the company? Do these schedules allow you to combine work and family life? Can the distance between your workplace and your home be reduced to avoid long time lost on the way?

Can you schedule your evenings at home to be with your family? These evenings spent together will save your child from future visits to a therapist.

Entourage: is there a grandmother or a grandfather in the room? If you cannot be present because of work constraints, can a "mom" or "dad" replacement be appointed? Why not ask people around you to watch your children in your absence? An aunt, a neighbor or friend living in your neighborhood can be a great relief. Grandparents often have quality time to offer to your children and their grandchildren and they are in great shape. Why not give them the opportunity to contribute to the well-being of their grandchildren?

A little more family activities

Choose to work evenings or weekends that bring together the interests of all family members. Do you like sports? You need to be in shape: a father and son can subscribe to the same gym and train together.

Are you more into artistic activities than into sports? Visit museums, organize monthly outings to libraries, go to the theater... All excuses are good to promote these parent-teen activities, like bowling, visiting the grandmother, auto repairing, shopping, going to the restaurant activities... We even saw a father and daughter try going to the opera.

The important point is that being with your child and sharing activities with them is a way of maximizing your relationship and the opportunities to communicate with them. It does not really matter what you do together. You can even talk about online divorce if you want, as long as that communication is present.

Living in a Blended Family: The Great Inconvenience

Living in a blended family causes great inconvenience. We must reconcile the habits and values. But with time, patience, and lots of communication, we can replace old rituals with new ones.

The step family ensures that the children are living with a new sibling, or at least, that they frequently move between two family nuclei. Before the reorganization, the children of both families are happy together. But once under the same roof, the reports can spoil everything. How could it be otherwise! Cohabitation is threatening the child’s position. While a child was the eldest in their original family, they can be the second or even third overnight.

Also, the territory should be developed so that it gives everyone their space. Will the child share the room with another child? The new partners must address these organizational changes in order to better negotiate. We must add that the different values implanted in each family to that.  No one can be completely fulfilled, but compromises may be satisfactory for all, if their needs are met.

Clash of cultures

The spouses have to come to an agreement so that there is harmony between these two worlds. For example, it would be unwise to impose a new type of food on children. This applies even when a parent establishes clear rules for their children and if their new spouse establishes more flexible ones or if these rules are almost non-existent. This situation gives rise to feelings of unfairness and jealousy among the children.

The parent’s role and responsibilities

The parent who has visitation rights after the divorce which occurred given all the divorce grounds in a blended family is often the one who asks their children to conform to rules of discipline and who has problems. However, being too permissive with your own children could also cause problems in the new family.

Regardless of the type of care and time they have to maintain their relationship with their child, a parent must continue to fulfill their responsibilities and play their role. Even if this resumes to giving the child a fixed feeding schedule, to providing sufficient time to sleep, so that this role is not played by the new spouse.

The former part in the new family

A win-win agreement can be established between all members of the family that revolve around the children without advocating a very close relationship between ex-spouses because children make room for everyone.

A parent often fears losing their children’s love when their ex-spouse reforms a couple. They feel stripped of their role as someone else will live with them daily. Yet, it is part of the new family, even if not in the immediate setting. The non-custodial parent, indeed, keeps all their rights and obligations, according to divorce law. They exercise their parental authority and continue to assume a parenting role within the agreement or the divorce decree. They must however respect the boundaries related to the privacy of the couple.

If both former spouses are involved in a reconstructed couple, there must be respect for the two nuclear families in order to enable children to move between the two systems without feeling guilty.

Communication Between Parents and Teens

Adolescence is a period of intense change that leads to many conflicts and a breakdown in communication between parents and children. This special issue gives some tips for maintaining family ties and maintaining the parent-teen relationship.

Teenagers often blame their parents for saying no without giving any explanation, for not listening and, above all, for not understanding. In brief, they suffer from a lack of communication with them. The parents’ fear  of watching their children go away, and their anxiety about seeing them do stupid things such as touching drugs or joining a group of bad friends does not count. Yet, it is often enough to just listen to both sides in order to maintain the exchanges throughout adolescence.

Parent-teen communication

Adolescence is notoriously difficult to live ... for parents. Communication seems broken with this child that no longer recognizes anything. What kind of action should you take when it comes to divorce and children? It is often necessary to review the relations between parents and adolescents. And the buddy-buddy attitude is not always the best for these youngsters who still need an authority figure.

Drugs and youth

Teenagers often adopt rebellious behavior. They come home later and later, they drink beer for the first time, they smoke their first cigarette, and they try drugs. Faced with these potentially dangerous behaviors, parents are often scared and this is really something that makes it a lot more difficult for them since they also have to deal with divorce law and all the other procedures related to their divorce.

Adolescent health

Health is not a matter of great concern to the majority of adolescents who have their youth on their side. However, they are not immune to teenagers’ diseases, such as acne or sexually transmitted infections or blood transmission infections (STIs). Besides depression, which is often overlooked, there is also obesity, diabetes and other ailments associated with poor diet and physical inactivity.

Becoming an At-home Mother: A Difficult Choice

After the birth of her second daughter, Isabel Lachance had to make a choice: return to work or become an at-home mother. She tells the ups and downs of a working mother.

At the outset, Isabel Lachance says that being an at-home mother is a lifestyle choice. "I do not judge those who made the decision to continue to work and I do not think one mother is better than another simply because she chose to stay at home,” she specifies.

It must be said that the young woman herself has long been on the job market. "The decision to stay home was extremely difficult one to make. I thought about it several months. I left a good job and my security. If you want to go back in that environment after several years of absence, you're out. It made me really scared, but eventually it was the heart that prevailed", she says.

For the quality of life

Isabel Lachance did not want her children to be raised by someone else. "It made no sense for me not to see my daughters for more than two hours a day. I wanted to be there for all the first times, breastfeed as long as possible and be with them.

The others’ judgment

Obviously, not everything is always pink in the lives of employed mothers. "This was one thing that was difficult for me. I hated the small comments which usually came from other women. Many believe that being an at-home mother means spending your days sitting in front of the TV. Yet, the reality is far from that! " said Isabel, smiling. She admits that she sometimes feel bad when meeting new people and when she is asked what she has done in life. "In some circumstances, it is as if I needed to remind myself that I have done something else and I have not just been a mother in my life. Other times, I am very proud to say that I'm a mom," she said.

Staying at home is about making choices

The young woman claims that choosing to become an at-home mother is putting much aside. "It's more difficult to have a social life when you're not on the labor market. What we do is not valued either. There is no performance bonus at the end of the quarter, she laughs. Finally, you have a minute for you. At home, there is no coffee break! "

If at first the young woman admits to have had doubts about her choice, this is very rarely the case today. "I know that my family is less stressed out. We do not have breakfast on the run in the morning and my girls go to part time daycare since they are two years old. All those memories of being with them fill my heart and my head and they are priceless," says the mom.

When asked if she plans to return on the job market one day, she thinks aloud. "Probably yes, but now I am enjoying my choice fully. It is impossible to perform everywhere in life. There are just 24 hours in a day! Personally, I chose to focus on my family," she says, smiling.

Are You Consistent With Your Teen?

The consistency of both parents towards their young is essential in order to avoid confusion within the family.

Friday, 17 am: It is the weekend! Finally! You have had one thing in mind only ever since your departure from work and all the way back -- you loosen the tie and "crush" on the sofa with a glass (or two ... or three) of wine or beer.  Then, unzip this week's craziness.

Permissions and prohibitions

Heading into this paradise of relaxation and drop, you begin to distinguish voices. You open the door of your house: "Good evening, everybody!" But, your entry passes completely unnoticed. However, the temperature's definitely high between your wife and your 15-year-old girl! Roxane wants to go out despite the ban that parents imposed on her following her poor academic performance.

Frustrated teen, exasperated parents

Your wife is struggling as a devil in holy water to convince her that a parent plays the role of the mentor: you think they will come to blows very soon. A mad desire crosses your mind: enjoy what you have not been seen to turn back and head back to the little bar around the corner, to enjoy a little quiet, a good drink, and rock music blaring ... You finally opt for the grief and the quiet evening farewell storm, a frustrated teenager and an exhausted mother.

Peace of Munich

In 1938, the French and British leaders met with Hitler in Munich: "It's good, you can invade Czechoslovakia and destroy this country, but please do not attack us", they told him. Laughing, Hitler said, "I promise!"  In crossing his fingers, hands and toes, and Chamberlain and Daladier, the English and French leaders, were greeted as heroes upon their return home. They had saved the peace! The rest is history.

You are in Munich and Roxane plays her trump card. You have the authority, but you mainly want peace. You look at your ally. Basically, you have to let her live her own experiences, her friends’ parents are all more tolerant, she is big enough to make choices and bear the consequences.

Consistency between spouses

What parent does not dream of letting go? Who has not dreamed of turning a blind eye and buying peace with her child by giving them permission without their spouse’s consent? Who ever thought that her husband was either too "hard" or too "soft" when the time came to set the tags?

Your teens have the ability to read your soul and find topics and specific times to come and test your consistency, your personal integrity ("Will he take his butt?").

Asking the right questions

Being consistent, being able to deliver what was advertised: before we get to a position, ask yourself some questions:

- Is my decision made based on my personal values?
- Have I discussed with my spouse or partner?
- I dominate my emotions, but do they? Do I not promise the worst consequences when I'm angry,
  then retract?
- Have we taken the time and perspective needed to make a decision?

Do as the Supreme Court of Canada and accept the requests made in advance, do not negotiate before the teenager, deliberate in private and give one common answer!

The teen will learn the limits

It is the teenager’s role to test the limits, check the tightness of the parental couple, attempting to obtain benefits from one parent or the other. Now, if you take your time, breathe deeply and communicate openly with your partner, the following will occur:  you'll gain personally, your relationship will improve and, more importantly, your teenager will gain from respecting their parents in situations.

To bring consistency, repeat this phrase: "Dictatorship is shutting your mouth! Democracy is always being concerned..."

Will Couples of the 2000s Last?

What can you think of the couples and families of the 2000s? While individual needs are the central concern of our society, what will become of these institutions? Will they last?

Since the 1970s, the couple and the family have experienced serious upheaval: free love, separation, divorce, single parents, and stepfamilies, among other changes. There was also a marked increase in the rate of celibacy, especially in big cities. Be together for better or for worse is now over!

Although many are worried about these changes, this break has helped bring serious problems to light in couples and families. To name them, physical, verbal, psychological, sexual abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction. Now, it is easier to get out of an unacceptable relationship and ask for help.

Beyond these extreme situations, people have other reasons to consider a break. For example, persistent conflicts, values which are too different between partners, an imbalance of involvement or commitmen, excessive stress, exhaustion, lack of complicity or trust, personal failure, pain, sexual dysfunction, infidelity, lack of desire or love, a power imbalance, difficulty communicating, etc.. Seen through the lens of the past, these reasons may seem innocuous.  Sometimes they are, too.

Asking for help

That's when that external assistance from a professional or a skilled therapist can be helpful. We must realize, human beings must face various obstacles and overcome several crises in their life. Whether alone or in couples, this is a mandatory path. If well lived, a crisis can be an opportunity for renewal in a couple and can strengthen the ties between the two spouses. By cons, if the decision to leave was inevitable (it may be preferable), therapy will, however, allow the two to try everything before making this important decision.

It seems easier to start over elsewhere. Yet, changing partners does not always make us happier and we often return to the problems which have not been resolved in a previous marriage. Then, we get the same point.

Being a couple in an "auspicious" era as ours sometimes requires swimming against the tide. It takes patience, time, listening, caring, sharing, delicacy and great humility to build and maintain a strong bond of love. These values are not fashionable, but they are undoubtedly those which will help the couple in 2000 survive. And let it be said, there is no human feeling strong enough to maintain a relationship without effort and commitment!

The Couple's Secret of Longevity

The Sunrise Senior Living, one of the largest providers of support services for independent living for seniors, has reported the results of a survey conducted in 2008 among couples married for over 50 years.

Here are the secrets of longevity:

1 - Do not go to bed angry
Many couples have admitted that sometimes they were angry at bedtime, but they made sure not to maintain their anger long.

2 - Say "I love you" regularly
Some spouses believed to pronounce these words of love before going to work in the morning while others didn’t want to do it every night.

3 - Kiss your spouse before bedtime
Most couples have stressed the importance of regularly expressing their love and affection. What's better than going with a goodnight kiss to nourish a relationship?

4 - You will argue from time to time
One spouse noted that although he had differences with his wife, "she never packed up." It is normal to have some small misunderstandings, but it is important to resolve them together so that you do not get to appeal to divorce law.

5 - Exercise of trust and mutual respect
The majority of spouses said that respect and trust were essential ingredients for the success of their relationship.

6 - Give yourself a good time together
A couple encouraged the newlyweds to invent several honeymoons, while others discussed their dinners in the restaurant or their dance nights in town.

7 - Show some understanding and compromise
Some spouses joked they do everything their wives ask them to do. However, all couples said that recognizing the strengths and weaknesses of others and mastering the art of reciprocal concessions are the keys to their happiness.

8 - Laugh together
The importance of being first makes you good friends and makes you laugh together, this being a frequent theme of the survey.

9 - Communicate and listen
One resident recommended having a "partner smart and listen." In fact, all couples recognize the importance of communication between partners and, of course, understand that sometimes it's just better to be silent.

10 - Celebrate special occasions
Many couples have told their romantic getaway to celebrate birthdays, holidays or special dates, while others celebrated Valentine’s Day every day.

Did you know?

To prolong the marriage, the couples married for over 50 years indicate that people should get to know as much as possible about one another before getting married, that they should go out together regularly, treat each other as they would like to be treated, ignore defects and not reduce everything to money and marriage as a joint venture, otherwise, they will always find some things to work as divorce grounds.

The Breakup With Males

Men cause only 25% of breakups. What are the reasons that push a relationship to an end and how to react when you are left? Here is some useful basic divorce help to make it easier for you from the very beginning.

If the rupture is difficult to live with, it is still possible to limit the damages. Psychologists Helene Baril and Father St Francis explain how.

The shock of the breakup

Men generally question their relationships more than women. This is what the psychologists interviewed have observed. This would explain why many of them are shocked by the announcement of a breakup. "Some men are very distressed when they realize that it's serious and that their partner will really leave. There are some who are doing everything to hang on, but it's often too late", says psychologist Father Francis St, a specialist in couples therapy and family mediator.

He advises couples to take the time to separate. "It is not about letting the other hope, but rather about allowing them to get used to the idea that it's over," he says. The psychologist also noted that it is important to explain the reasons for separation clearly.

Men generally take breakups harder than women. The fact of not having had time to solve the problems could lead to feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and even, depression. Men also tend to get involved in another relationship soon after a breakup.

The leak before a breakup

"When they are dissatisfied with their relationship, many men will prefer to flee - in work, sports or with a mistress - rather than break up," says psychologist Helen Baril, specializing in marital therapy at the Center Psychology of Old Longueuil.

"Generally, men tend to shift their relationship and be more distant and disagreeable. Instead of saying that it's over, they will make their wives’ life difficult. Subconsciously, it saves them from having to bear the guilt of the breakup on their shoulders", says Father Francis.

What causes men to end a relationship? "The sexual dissatisfaction in many cases," said Father Francis St. The incompatibility of personalities would also be among the main causes of male failure.

The best ally over time

Is it possible to break into harmony after sharing years of common life? "I would say it is difficult to speak of harmony, especially at first. However, it is possible to break less wildly, "admits St. Francis Father. The psychologist Helene Baril concurs: "A rupture causes a lot of emotions. It is a moment of crisis when the partners are not always rational. It is not easy to live, even for the person who made the decision", she says.

Tips for a successful break and basic separation, divorce advice

- Do not split in a hurry.
- Explain the reasons for the failure clearly.
- Do not blame the other. "This only accentuates the conflict. Instead of trying to find a culprit, I suggest to
  everyone to reflect on their share of responsibility for this failure. The separation may then serve as a tool
  for change, "says Helene Baril.
- Verbalize the emotions. This is an important step in therapy. "Men, for example, often lack a confidant
  apart from their wives. During the break, it becomes even more important for them to see someone who
  will listen", said Father Francis St.
- Do not say anything. "Sometimes people tend to say everything, but I advise my clients to always wonder
  what the impact on the other, for example, may be", says Helene Baril.
- Choosing the right time. Do not start talking about the separation before leaving for the office or from the
  door.

Plan Your Holiday With Your Partner

The holidays are not here yet, and they are already causing us concern. Here are some strategies to help you plan a vacation as a couple, without the hassle.

You do not agree on the destination

You are not dreaming of palm trees and the sand and he only thinks about climbing Mount Everest ... almost. It starts badly! But instead of stoically maintaining your positions, learn to make compromise. Imposing your choices will lead nowhere. If things go wrong, you'll feel guilty and stressed out and your vacations will be damned.

Listening, creativity and flexibility are a must to solve what appears to be an impasse at first sight. At first, explain your needs and then listen to his motives. Understanding your partner’s perspective often helps you realize that your needs and are not necessarily incompatible. Instead, it opens new avenues. For example, several destinations can combine swimming and climbing. Just get informed.

Another approach to find common ground: take notes of the advantages and disadvantages with each suggestion. Then, set the suggestions together. You just have to scratch the choices that are too distant and discuss only those that would apply to both. Tip: gather some documentation about the destinations you seek. It will be easier for you to convince the other.

Your spouse wants to leave alone... with a couple friends

Two scenarios are possible: he wants to go with you or ... without you! If he wants to go alone with you, some explanation is required. There may be a problem and it must be addressed. Also, you must accept that you have different interests and, more importantly, your Julius can take pleasure in doing things with other people than you.

The advantage of the situation is that it allows you to make your side trips that are important to you. More importantly, it can possibly enrich the couple, increasing commitment and foster reconciliation. Imagine all the adventures to tell after the holidays! Naturally, this requires great trust in your relationship. Otherwise, you may experience a feeling of abandonment that only goes away in time. If you do not feel comfortable with this choice, say so and find an alternative.

Your spouse wants a couple of friends with you

He wants to ask a couple of friends to join you. If you cannot stand this couple for more than six hours, think twice before accepting. A good shouting match before leaving is better than two weeks of hell. Set the record straight from the start by simply telling the other couple, "We're leaving together, but we are not obliged to follow each other step-by-step. We want to have intimate moments and do some activities alone. "Express your expectations without remorse, even if they feel offended.

The idea does not displease you, but do you know a little about the couple in question? Try the experience of living together for a weekend just to see, before making a decision of extensive time.

The couple who accompanies you yell at each other all the time

Holidays are too valuable to waste with the childishness. So, there is no question of acting as if nothing happened. Tell that to the couples whose disputes annoy you. Explain how you feel when you witness such disputes. If nothing changes, keep your distance by doing activities on your own. Do not attempt to play the role of the mediator (because of your profession) if you don’t know exactly how to do it. Otherwise, you may be caught in the middle. Each spouse wants you to witness or try being in their shoes. Ultimately, both are likely to blame you. Forget it!

Did you know?

To make your holiday as enjoyable as the members of a couple are one for the other, choose to alternate the vacation destination. This year, you might go in the mountains and next year at the seaside and meantime, select a four-star hotel!

Is Your Relationship Healthy?

A healthy couple relationship from a sexual and an emotional point of view must meet certain qualifications. Here are five rules to respect!

In simple terms, a healthy relationship is one that allows you to feel good about yourself and your partner. Not only will you have fun together, but you can express your true self and allow your partner to do the same. Of course, relationships differ from one another, but healthy relationships share at least five important qualities. The acronym SHARA can help you remember these qualities.

1.    Security: In a healthy relationship, you should feel safe. You're not worried that your partner is going to hurt you physically or emotionally and you are not tempted to resort to physical or emotional violence against your partner. You can try new things (for example, take an evening course) or change your mind about something (eg, indulge in sexual activity that makes you uncomfortable) without fear of your partner’s reaction.
2.    Honesty: You do not hide anything important from your partner and you can express your thoughts without fear of being criticized or ridiculed. You can admit you're wrong. You solve the conflict through honest discussion.
3.    Acceptance: You accept yourself as you are. You appreciate your partner’s unique qualities (eg sensitive or embarrassed) and you do not try to change them. (If you do not see your partner’s qualities, you might want to examine your motives for being with that person.)
4.    Respect: You have a high opinion of one another. You feel neither inferior nor superior to your partner markedly. You respect the other's right to have opinions and different ideas. This does not mean you have to tolerate everything your partner does or does not do(for example, refuse to get help for an alcohol problem). This is a sign of self-respect as to set limits.
5.    Accreditation: A good relationship is not limited to how two people treat each other: it must also include the approval. In a healthy relationship, you feel full of energy and life in your partner’s presence. You can play and laugh together. You're having fun.

The opposite of a healthy relationship is an abusive relationship. Such relationships include law enforcement, fear and lack of mutual respect. Typically, one partner takes control while the other hides in resentment or fear. The characteristics of an abusive relationship include intimidation, insults, blame, depreciation, guilt, questioning and jealous violence pure and clear.

Abusive relationship

If you think you are in an abusive relationship, chances are he treats you as you are. You may know deep inside you that you'd be better off without this relationship but you're afraid to stop it. Perhaps you rely on your partner's income, you are afraid to be alone or you streamline the relationship as "better than nothing." By cons, long-term abusive relationships are more detrimental to your self-esteem than the absence of a relationship (and the opportunity to find one that is healthy).

You may think that you have no options, but you certainly do. A social worker and (or) a counselor can help you develop a strategy that will allow you to get out of abusive relationship. Your doctor or local sexual clinic / regional can refer you to appropriate counseling services.

Having Time in a Couple

Caught in the daily routine, many couples put their family first and not their relationship. Yet, time together is essential for the survival of the couple.

Couples today are often on the run, managing  concerns of both their working lives and their children, as well as the encounters with their friends and family. However, it is essential to make time for a marriage, so put it on the agenda!

Caught in the whirlwind day, overwhelmed by obligations, it often happens that people forget to prioritize their relationship. Thus, without realizing it, they seldom find themselves alone and may find being in two difficult because they are too focused on the life they have outside their relationship. Some say that's how everybody lives.

This distance leads many to feel that they no longer know each other or that they no longer have much in common. This occurs when the spouses do not spend more time together and live more like roommates who manage their lives together and as life partners who share particular emotions that led them to choose each other.

The emotional distance often leads to frustration and desiring to feel that we can share something special with someone. From there, many will decide to meet their needs outside of the couple or choose separation. Family time is essential to maintain the relationship and to cultivate communication and loving feelings.

Book a place on the agenda!

How to get to give room to the couple when we are solicited from all sides? Ironically, many will tend to meet all familial needs like the dentist, supper with friends, or sports tournaments for children. And, note on the agenda these items as a priority.

One of the first things to do to get to set aside time to watch is its time slots and make the choice to schedule time for the couple are giving equal importance as external obligations. You choose a Friday evening two for your time together? This time should be a priority alongside other commitments.

Schedule time to two

Subsequently, it becomes important to plan how to spend this time together. It is not necessary to leave the house. If this is possible and that is what you want, do it. However, even if you have children, you can get to have them at home a couple of times. For you to succeed, they must also learn how important it is for their parents. You must remind them that this time is yours. If you choose to dine together, take the time to organize a party, too.

If the children are toddlers, you can choose to wait until they are coated before supper and if they are a little older, they may also have a special evening themselves such as the cinema, pizza, or playdates. You will bring them to respect your time as a couple. This requires to set limits on their intrusion and, also, to have the conviction that the time that you give yourself is a priority for you.

The family time should be part of your life and once a month is not enough.  To get there, you can for example get along with different friends or you can turn to a babysitter.

Family time is essential to maintain long-term relationships and to not become foreigners after a few years.

How to Talk to Children

Divorce is a painful ordeal for children. Caution is needed in order not to inflame an already delicate situation. Here is Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun’s advice, a pediatrician’s.

Unambiguously explain the separation

The announcement of a divorce is often preceded by a period of tension in the family. Even if children do not yet know their parents’ decision, they feel this conflict and suffer because of it. We must therefore explain the separation, put it into words that calm the children’s fears, so here is some so-called divorce advice for men and women related to this aspect. "Theoretically, the ideal situation is to explain the separation when all the children and both parents are present, so that all hear the same speech", said Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. Often, children witness the disputes and feel guilty and responsible for the parental discord. Everything has to be clear from this point of view: "The first thing to explain is that a man and a woman can no longer love each other, but their love for their children remains unchanged," says the pediatrician.

Speak clearly about the future

The young children need strong benchmarks. A divorce inevitably changes their lifestyle, so parents should enlighten them about their daily lives to come as much as possible. "We need to talk about concrete aspects of their life: what room they will have, what school they will be registered in", says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. Explaining the rotation pattern is just as important: "The child must know when they will be with their father and when they will be with their mother, not to mention that they need to know how will spend their birthdays or Christmas: they are moments of their lives and they need to build them". In older children, teens especially, the situation is somewhat different. Everything depends on the relationship that parents have with them and they generally have more freedom of choice. But again, divorce does not mean no rules. "While the teen may choose their type of guard, you have to be careful not to be more permissive than the other parent. A framework is also needed".

Do not denigrate the other parent

Sometimes, the parents’ disagreement is such that the reconciliation is difficult and resentment and hatred can complicate the explanations given to children. "Of course, the best thing to do is not to criticize each other", says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. But this is not always simple. " We should try to separate the man or woman of her parenting when speaking to the children. He / she has made mistakes towards the other adult, but must preserve their role as a parent: he / she remains a good father / mother. "It is human nature to criticize your spouse when the divorce goes wrong, in spite of all the legal divorce advice, but you should try to do it with your friends, away from the children. "I know it's sometimes very difficult to manage, says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun, but the adult must show the child that they remain the center of their life and not just by saying so, but also by showing strong signs of love.”

How to Initiate a Divorce

Initiating a divorce is a delicate process, even after you have made the decision. Nevertheless, whatever your situation is, the divorce procedure is standardized.

Seeking a lawyer is mandatory for any divorce proceedings. Do not hesitate to meet with several lawyers and take into consideration the fact that it is all free.

A divorce is a close matter: it is essential to get along with the lawyer who defends you in the divorce case.

To start a divorce, one spouse must apply for their opening through their lawyer. It is optional to specify the reason.

There are several ways in which you can get divorced:

- Divorce by mutual consent (you start to agree on the consequences of the divorce such as the partition of property, of goods, the amount of the alimony, the custody of children ...)
- Acceptance of divorce by marriage breakdown (the judge decides the consequences);
- Fault divorce (one spouse has violated duties and obligations of marriage in a serious way and repeatedly: they abandoned their home, violence, adultery, etc ...);
- Divorce for irretrievable marriage (at the request of one spouse alone).

You must then meet in a conciliation trial. You must be aware of everything that happens during the trial and you should also be aware of the court proceedings.

In this stage, the judge may decide to take interim measures to ensure the proper sustenance of each party involved in the trial:

- Separate residence;
- Enjoyment of family housing;
- Interim support;
- Mediation measures, etc. ...

In the case of a divorce by mutual consent or acceptance by the breakdown of marriage, the judge's role is to verify that the spouses really agree with the divorce. The divorce decree is pronounced at the first hearing if the court accepts the agreement settling the consequences of divorce.

In other cases, you must file an application for the commencement of the proceeding, in which you specify whether you choose a fault divorce or a divorce for irretrievable marriage. You need to send this application to your spouse, through a bailiff, a summons for divorce. Justify your approach in this document, specify the type of divorce you want and your requests in terms of consequences, the pensions divorce and all those financial fights starting now.

Finally, in order to finalize the divorce proceedings, you must present evidence to substantiate those facts. However, there are no people to testify in a divorce case.

The judge then pronounces the divorce and tells you how things proceed from then on.

Divorce and Toasted Children!

The National Institute of Demographic Studies (INED) confirmed in its report published in May 2002 that the separation or divorce of parents is highly prejudicial, particularly in the field of education and that this is way beyond divorce law. The figures are frightening!

Family life is put to the test. The number of divorces and separations has continued to grow over the last few decades. However, these changes do not save the children involved in these marriages. Quite the contrary, the implications are much greater, but many people refuse to believe it. INED demonstrated this using a series of findings and figures. The percentages suggest that we think about the situation.

- First of all, the majority of parental separation situations reduce the
  average duration of studies of children aged 6 months to over a year.
- In privileged backgrounds in which the parents are college graduates or
  executives, a divorce doubles the failure rate in the Baccalaureate exam 
  (7% failure against 15% in case of divorce).
- The number of second cycle university graduates decreased from 45% to
  25% with the families in which a divorce has occurred.
- One in two children leaves school in case their mothers have no
  education as compared to 37% in a united family. Also, the number of
  university graduates dropped to three per cent.
- On the employee side, 22% of children have no degree although their mothers have graduated college,
  while there are only 11% such children in non-separated families and 30% are graduates, while 35% are
  not.

These academic difficulties and all the rest of the situations are due to rupture or parental home environment prior to separation or divorce. One thing is true and that it that not only the adults are involved in a rupture. Divorce and children are highly connected.

Divorce Market

There are already websites of firms that offer advice and services for divorces at attractive prices or agencies that buy bank loans after a separation.

But have you ever heard of a "list of divorce" or agencies that handle breakup for you and spare you of the trouble of figuring out how to divorce? Still confidential services in this area are increasing and should eventually become widespread.

Distribution of property

The bride and groom traditionally open a wedding list. Now, to initiate a chain of stores English, separating couples can have their "list of divorce."

This new service was launched by Debenhams which has stores throughout Great Britain. It allows divorcees to be offered gifts to build a new home for singles, such as linens, electrical appliances, TVs, Stereo ...

"Divorce can be expensive and with a list of divorce, family and friends can help each of the former to start a new life", says Peter Moore, head of sales for the chain. "In a divorce, one of two left the marital home and did nothing of what they needed to do for their new home".

A divorce is something to celebrate

Because many people view divorce as synonymous with failure, attemps are made to try and ward off disaster. According to Debenhams, the list of divorce has been launched at a time when the greeting cards as well as receptions for divorce are gaining in popularity.

In Brighton, United Kingdom, Faye Millar Baker's is riding this trend and offers divorce cakes for men or women wishing to celebrate a new beginning. Her creations, which cost between 65 and 900 euros, aim to encourage young divorced people to have a positive attitude towards the failure of their marriage .

Divorce party

In France, where there are 54 divorces per 100 marriages (57 divorces in Germany and 71 in Belgium, for example), agencies have smelled the seam and created an trend by throwing divorce parties. Julie Vincent and Rebecca Hazan, founders of the agency The WOF (Wedding out Factory), organize parties for divorced people (Between 50 and 100 euros per person).

This trend came straight from the United States and has met more and more success all over Europe: "We do not want to take advantage of the distress, but it is the right moment for doing business", said Rebecca Hazan. "This is not to trivialize the event. But used to organizing parties, we wanted to put our know-how on the market for all those wishing to mark this shift."

Agency failure

Marriage agencies bring customers to get married, but have decided to separate them!

So if you want to break up with your boyfriend, but you do not have the courage, Bernd Dressler, head of the Berlin agency Rupture (trennungsagentur.com) undertakes this for you and it works as a sort of divorce mediation. This contractor offers four packages ranging from 29.95 euros to 64.95 euros. The bad news can be announced over the phone, in writing or orally by Bernd Dressler himself.

Charged between 19 and 120 euros, the customer sets the tone for these packages in Switzerland, too: cuddly, firm or downright ruthless message.

Breaking up frequently

Another example of this trend is a divorce show which was held in Halifax, capital of the Canadian province of Nova Scotia this weekend. Another one will take place soon in Düsseldorf, Germany. These shows provide visitors with information on topics such as separation, children's education, property or pensions.

Maria Franks, Executive Director of the organization Legal Information Society of Nova Scotia and organizer of the divorce exhibition in Halifax, says that these shows allow visitors to be aware of the many aspects they have to consider during a divorce. Her salon proposed pit lawyers, hairdressers, estate agents, financial services and travel services, responsible dating sites and nutritionists. In short, enough to start a new life alone, but with all the necessary comforts.

Compensatory Allowance

The compensatory allowance is intended to offset the disparity in living standards caused by divorce. How to get it? How much is it? Here's our advice.

Who can get it?

All spouses who divorce may have significant financial consequences and may ask the judge to award a compensatory allowance.

This is possible regardless of the divorce procedure chosen by the spouses: divorce by mutual consent, agreed to conduct or irretrievable marital.

Thus, contrary to popular belief, in the context of divorce proceedings for misconduct, the offending spouse may not be denied the right to the compensatory allowance. However, if fairness dictates, the judge can refuse it, particularly in the case of a spouse's violence toward the other.

What is the amount?

The amount of the compensatory allowance is calculated based on the needs of those who demand it and the fortune of the spouse who pays it.

Also, there are certain details to be taken into consideration when determining the needs and resources:

- Age and health status of the spouses;
- Duration of marriage;
- Qualification and employment status according to the labor market situation in each respective areas
   of pensions;
- Career choices made by one spouse during cohabitation, choices for children's education or for promoting 
   the career of another;
- State of each spouse’s goods at divorce; and
- Existence of a potential wife.

Unless there are exceptional cases involved such as a seriously ill spouse, the amount generally does not exceed one third of the resources of the one who pays.

The benefit is a lump sum and is paid primarily in the form of capital. The amount is fixed or approved by the court at once for the sum of money or assignment of goods.  Moreover, there is the possibility in the form of payments over a period of 8 years. In this case, the payment amount is indexed as support.

Exceptionally, the benefit may be assigned by the judge as a life annuity. This is possible if the age or health status of the perceiver does not allow them to meet their needs. It can then be revised, suspended or removed if there is a significant change in resources or needs of the spouses involved.

What happens in case the debtor dies?

The compensatory allowance, whatever its form - principal, periodic payments or annuity - is levied on the estate and heirs are not personally liable for its payment. This means that if the amount of the estate cannot pay it in full, the debtor cannot ask the heirs to pay with their personal property.

Thus, if the compensatory allowance has been fixed as a lump sum payable by installments, the principal balance is levied on the estate. If the compensatory allowance has been set as an annuity, it is therefore replaced by a payable amount immediately.

Note:  Do not confuse support with the compensatory allowance. They do not have the same role, or the same characteristics. The compensatory allowance may be subject to a deduction from taxable income for the person who pays it. If you need any help with any kind of pensions divorce, you should do some thorough research beforehand, so that you are not caught off-guard.

Check List: Proceedings of Divorce

Choosing to get divorced is never an easy decision to make, but one comforting thing is that the steps to be followed have been simplified. Make sure to follow the proceedings and to get divorce legal advice in order to avoid complications and unnecessary costs.

A. Divorce by mutual consent

- Contact a lawyer or go for DIY divorce;
- Prepare the divorce agreement;
- Transmit the divorce petition lodged at the High Court;
- Get the call from the family court judge; and
- Proceed to the call .

Note: If the judge rejects the agreement, establishing a new one and showing it can be done within 6 months;

- Recover the modified marriage certificates and birth upon acceptance of the agreement by the judge.

B. Divorce by acceptance of the principle of marriage breakdown,
     divorce as a final break of the marriage bond,  or fault divorce

- Contact a lawyer;
- The divorce petition has to be filed by the lawyer;
- Receive a call from the family court judge to present yourself to the conciliation hearing;
- Proceed to the conciliation hearing. If there is no reconciliation, file a joint petition or an individual
   assignment;
- Receive a call from the family court judge to present yourself to the trial hearing;
- Proceed to the trial proceedings; and
- After the trial, recover the modified marriage and birthcertificates.

Note : Try to focus on the formula of divorce by mutual consent because it is much faster and cheaper and you do not want to waste a lot of time and money on this procedure.

Advice for Parents after Separation

Whatever the context, divorce remains a real upheaval in the lives of children, whatever their age. How can you protect your child after separation? This is the advice given to parents by Dr. Paul Bensussan.

What are the solutions or advice for parents after separation?

When it comes to divorce advice for men and women, Dr. Paul Bensussan says: In 'amicable' separations, arrangements for child care are the result of consultation between the parents, which may help alleviate the child’s distress. It is not the same at high conflict separations, in which there is conflict over the exercise of custody or visitation rights. It is therefore important to alleviate the child's fearful climate surrounding transitions.

The 'blues' on Sunday evening that even adults can feel is tenfold increased when the transition from one parent to another takes place in a hostile climate.  There may be  stony silence or an explosion of complaints such as delays due to traffic; cleanliness of the child; securing business class; or forgotten homework. In these cases, I gladly recommend more neutral transitions such as deploying the nanny or nursery, if the child does not attend school. It is much easier for the child than for the parent, to say goodbye at the gate of the school on a Monday morning ('mom it will get you tonight'), but this implies the willingness of both parents if the judge ordered the custodial parent's return home on Sunday evening. One is always free to dispense the rigid frame of the decision.  Moreover, as the children are older college students, transfers at transportation hubs makes life even easier.

During the weekends or holidays, we must also think about promoting contact - phone calls, sending postcards - between the child and the other parent. It is especially important that the child can censor the expression of a lack of fear of hurting the parent with whom they are. Telephone appointments can be determined in order to avoid the permanent telephone intrusion, quickly perceived as harassment. Then, the child wins: they know that this call is intended.

What are the solutions or advice for parents after separation? 

Finally, there are some things parents cannot find out when they go looking for legal divorce advice. We must resist the temptation to turn the child into a 'reporter' or a 'detective' by asking the least possible information about what is happening 'with the other'. Too many parents make these little mistakes which are a kind of dishonesty towards their children.

Remember the advice for a separate charge. Here is a list of tips and / or mistakes not to commit:

- Never forget that this child belongs to both of you;
- Never ask who they love more;
- Help them keep in touch with their other parent, too;
- Do not treat them as messengers;
- Let them see the other parent, too;
- Do not plan anything for the other parent’s time with the child;
- Do not treat the child like some sort of object;
- Do not fight when they are present;
- Do not say stuff they can’t see;
- Let them bring friends over;
- Agree on how they can spend money;
- Just make sure the child is happy;
- Don’t change their life too much; and
- Treat their grandparents nicely.

Although they may sometimes appear as angelic or utopian in a tense environment, this advice must be provided: everyone can measure the number of small faults such as clumsiness or others that may result from a children's sensitivity.  These can truly be attributed to the ordeal of separation.

Word of women: Storm Warning

Sibylle, 32, who lives in Angouleme, was not working and had 3 children ages 7, 5 and 2 years old.

My husband left me for a man 

"For several months, my husband was more attentive than ever: flowers, small gifts, especially when he was returning from a weekend (increasingly frequent) with his football team. One evening, he took me to dinner at a restaurant. He looked embarrassed. It was not his style. The conversation dragged. Towards the end of the meal, I started asking him whether there was anything wrong. When he told me, the sky fell on my head!  He had fallen completely in love with a young football player on his team and he wanted to live with him! I was mad. I fought to hide it. But he's gone. I wanted to send the gendarmes, and subsequently, took a lawyer. But they told me that nothing could be done. I became depressed. How to tell the kids? Desperate, I went to a shrink”.


Virginia, 47 years, with no children, lives in Bayonne.

The baby's layette 

"The classic story. A marriage with very few clouds. And it's getting later and later in the office. He has seminars on Saturday. And they even lasted the whole weekend! Here, I do not work. In fact, there was confusion because I did not understand. It was a colleague from office, eighteen years younger than me! He filed the papers for divorce because he wanted to have children with her, but she wanted to get married first. He said he would leave me and all we had in common. You bet! When we got to the concrete part of the procedure and had to make the list with our joint assets, he changed completely. It was not like him, but you didn’t need to be too smart to guess that he was completely manipulated. Whenever we saw each other, he came with new claims. For example, he wanted to return all the jewelry he gave me. I thought  I would crack several times. Fortunately, I had a good lawyer who supported me. In all cases, no more marriage. If it is to end up like this, it is just sad!


Sandra, 31, Paris region, one child a year and a half old, Secretary

I married a handsome stranger 

I was seduced by a German, who agreed to take a job in Chicago for me. Soon, we no longer agreed on anything. In fact, he could not stand the way people in Chicago worked or the work schedules in this region. In Germany, he was home at half past four. But we loved it. Three months after giving birth to my daughter, it was clear that the failure was complete. We started the divorce proceedings. And one day, getting the child to the nursery, the shock followed. He had taken the baby. I called my in-laws in Germany: they said they had no news from their son. Well, today I found him in Germany, where he started the divorce proceedings against me, accusing me of having abandoned my home! I filed a complaint for child abduction before the German courts. My American lawyer said I would always get custody of my daughter. But how soon? "

Word of Women: A Successful Divorce

Marianne, 51, lives in Troyes, 2 children, 17 and 13 years old, realtor
A successful separation 

"We decided to separate, my husband and I, because of the weariness of our life together. It happened very quickly. The procedure was initiated after 3 months after talking and the divorce after 10 months. It was so because we divorced by mutual consent. We both agreed on child custody and alimony. The lawyer was a mutual friend and he did exactly what we wanted and the judge followed.

Lucile, 32, lives in Paris, a 6-year-old child, controller
Alternating custody 

"We divorced by mutual consent five years ago. We had one child who was a toddler at the time.
Joint custody did not exist legally, and the judge gave me custody of Valentin. But my job required me to travel frequently. Fortunately, my ex-husband himself had a sedentary job and he had found a home not far from home. It is natural that we have come to the alternate residence, without appearing before the Family Court judge. We made decisions together: religion, education, type of education. It was not always obvious.
There are errors to avoid. E.g. Christmas or birthday together: when one parent leaves the child, they are confused and want them to stay. On the other hand, the child's father was not too good at caring for the child every day. He tended to see the gifts that he did not present, relying too much on the baby-sitter. But overall, I think it's a good solution for the child.

Anne, 27, lives in Roubaix, childless, decorator.
A former gold 

When he told me he wanted to regain his freedom, the sky fell on my head. And it was worse when I learned that he had shared his life with another woman for several years. But now I think it's an opportunity that presented itself to me. I had married just after high school and Yves was much older than me. In fact, he was the father I never had. I prolonged my childhood with him. I did not graduate. I have not worked. Yves had a lovely job and we did not need a second income. He felt guilty for not having pushed me to study. I now live with a boy of my age and I am very happy with him.

Christina, 74, lives in Vernon, 5 children, retired.
A new beginning at age 72

There was disagreement over a long time. First, we said we would leave after our last child’s departure. Then, my husband wanted to sell his cabinet. He is a doctor and I had been his assistant since he left the hospital to practice in a firm. But one would think we were masochistic and our daily shouting matches we had become essential to every term we had set. Finally, I made my decision when I learned that I could have enough to live decently, although I had never been declared. My husband kept our apartment in Evreux, and I went home at the countryside, where I am at ease among my roses, my children and grandchildren when they come on holiday.

Where Is My Partner?

Weather: High Pressure or Depression, Storm Warning or Bright Sunshine?

Here is the barometer of your relationship.

I'm tired!

The following are not exhaustive. They reflect unhappiness in marriage, but they are crucial if they are repeated several times.

- Their mannerisms irritate you;
- You cannot concentrate on your work;
- You begin to criticize their personality;
- Your criticism turns into contempt, such as: "the other is really a failure, 
   they are good for nothing ....;"
- The other does not respond to anything, including your insults. They  
   fold up completely;
- You compete for sleeping on the couch;
- You wonder how you fell in love in the first place;
- You become hypersensitive: sweating, heart rate higher than average
   tremor (when you get excited), attacks of crying ...;
- You refuse to apologize;
- Their attempts at reconciliation are futile;
- When you think about your marriage, you see only the negative aspects;
- The details of everyday life take on a disproportionate importance;
- Despite your legendary loyalty, you think about deceiving the other ...;
- You do not talk any more. Communication with others is a concept you do not understand;
- Their jokes, which have not yet changed in 20 years, exasperate you;
- You solve your problems without worrying about their opinion. Besides, the other responds the same way
   as you;
- You look in the mirror more and more often to see if you are still drinking physically; and
- You no longer live "together". If the other wants dinner, they would go alone. If you have a party with friends: ditto.

In short, you have a different life from that of another. You are married ... but this is just your status.

What Happens to Those Around You When You Are in a Relationship?

In case of a divorce, most friends of the couple take sides: yours or your ex-spouse’s. Others take a step back in order not to have to choose because they do not know how to behave.

Furthermore, divorce can hit you where it hurts and mess up your life. Note that you may represent a "danger" as a single for a couple among your friends and that the trio can be embarrassing.

Express your needs 

Close friends or relatives sometimes intervene in your life and try to resolve your problems. They often criticize your spouse, trying to make things better. This type of resentful attitude and service does not help. It also makes you feel guilty towards your kids and this can cause you trouble. Those who seek to reconcile with your spouse undermine your efforts to build a new life. It is therefore necessary to go out and keep in touch with your neighbors, too, even if it upsets you. But above all, tell your good friends what you expect from them: go to the cinema with them in order not to be alone; talk about the divorce or about your usual topics of conversation, get advice or so on. Suggest that they also talk about their feelings, including their discomfort.

Family

Generally, the members of your family around you can support you. Nevertheless, it is better to avoid disappointment.  Do not have any illusions about their reactions: it is, after all, essential if the latter are dictated by affection. However, there are decidedly negative reactions. For example, this mother who, because of her jealousy, ceases to speak to her daughter.  The daughter has the chance to divorce, while the mother endured a difficult marriage.

In-laws 

You often need a clear break from the in-laws. In many cases, the relationships continued because they were of high quality before the divorce. Sometimes, the family members want you to participate in events of their lives, but do not dare to ask you. Maintaining good relationships with people you appreciated cannot harm you provided they are sure you accepted the reality of divorce. Otherwise, things would be a bit more complicated.

The Invitation of a Psychoanalyst

Addictions in general such as alcoholism, bulimia, anorexia, smoking, gambling and other excesses that occur during a divorce, can generate dependence.  But anguish, anxiety, depression... are not "diseases", although some would have us believe that. These "conditions" sicken the subject, of course, but this does not mean they are diseases. They are "symptoms". Symptoms of somatic or mental suffering. Sometimes both.

Each event listed above shall be discussed as a "symptom" within the meaning assigned by subjective psychoanalysis. Jack Lacan said: "A symptom is what comes from reality."

According to the psychoanalyst, one is not there, only the sign of a disorder (medical) or a (mental) disturbance being there. It is, however, related to a conflict, a knot of meanings in arrears, something related to the subject or to their history and that is what the psychoanalyst has to work with. It is the memory of a traumatic event, a trauma suffered by the subject. Thus, a psychoanalyst’s purpose is to help the subject escape from a situation they cannot escape on their own. This often occurs after too much advice on how to divorce, after being dragged in court and an ugly divorce itself.

They say whatever comes into their head, that is to say, in short, everything that they reckon. There is talk without a predetermined conclusion, without having to judge what is useful or useless to say or need to target a particular purpose. The best thing to do in all situations is to talk.

This is a strange experience even after thirty-three years of practice... Usually, when something goes wrong, they have to become accustomed to it and if they do not understand or know what to do in that situation, they have to refer to another: mother, father, elder, friend, teacher, doctor, lawyer, priest, expert, judge, MP, just like it happens in case of a divorce or with divorce mediation. And they think, very naturally, that it's there for them. They have to think they are there for them and that these persons know what they don’t. They know. They know what they do not know. These persons will tell them why this is so for them, and even more, how to fix it. And they must take this into consideration.

Well, the Freudian invention is quite the contrary! Speak up, take the risk of speaking up. Speak with your own words and try to keep everything away from someone who is not there to help you. Try this experiment, you will find very quickly that your word will lead you somewhere. And it will not be in vain that you have had such courage. What is your symptom?

The Importance of Speech: Knowing About Your Marriage

Consider a separation leads to the judge re-evaluating what your married life was. Compared to what the couple thought they knew, the one who contemplates secession begins to evaluate differently and to write another story, in which the roles, responsibilities, intentions and ambitions become different.

The role of speech

A priori, neither the law nor the social habits provide any codes or pose any limitations to the retrospective history that anyone can imagine. However, there are times when one partner of the couple begins to re-write history in the form of common stock.  This is a crucial time for the conduct and outcome of a divorce and for everyone’s balance in the future. It is very important to understand that this "reconstruction" of the marriage-post is in itself a step that will transform the relationship of the couple. The role assigned to it, the part known to each event, the reasons given in each act, depict a story that moves towards a conclusion, a play on which the curtain will fall one way or another. This is the line between marriage and divorce.

Formulate your perception of the past and future

The separation that began in the couple demonstrates a mutual incompatibility on what everyone wants and what everyone lives. How to understand the initiation of this failure? And how to share that understanding with the partner who became an alternate person and therefore no longer shares anything? The only way to understand what happened to the marriage and partnership is through words, these making everyone have a perception of the past and the future.

Learn about the nuances

The more the role ascribed to the other is derogatory, excessive and without nuance, the more they are forced to defend themselves or feel guilty. It is a common impact of the judicial dimension of the divorce. And it prevents them from common observations that lead the way for a peaceful future. All work will be necessary for the one who wants to recapture an image of themselves "living" and comes to limit the challenge it imposes on the other. By cons, any element of reasoned and balanced understanding of the history of the couple that leads to a conclusion more or less acceptable by both, promotes the subsequent reconstruction of each.
        
It often seems illusory, at the time of separation, to talk about the history of the couple in an accessible way.  After all, this history is under the influence of frustration, rebellion, anger or fear. But from the moment you become aware of the considerable challenge that this represents for the future, there is possible support, such as mediation... and then, time passes and you forget about lawyers, online divorce and alimony.

Step Families Daily

Living in a blended family is challenging and requires a major effort to adapt. What principles are adopted in this new family lifestyle where everyone must find their place to thrive? What are the keys to a successful stepfamily?

What behaviors are adopted?

- You and your children:

All psychologists will tell you a blended family will never be a "blood family" as each member comes up with their history, experiences, and emotions.  They are forced to deal with the experiences of others. All this takes time and a big effort to adapt.
- Be patient, do not get burned completely, everyone will eventually find their place;
- Communicate within your home. Everything will be settled if you communicate and understand the expectations and needs of each
   member of the family;
- Do not be demoralized by the conflict, although they say you are needed to advance, hold only
   positive effects;
- Learn how to negotiate, know how to make compromises;
- As a mother and wife, you are at the heart of the construction process, you have a crucial role to play;
- Introduce your dog to your children and help them find their place;
- Prepare the children for this change without rushing them;
- Your kids will become aggressive, but it's a normal reaction. They see this man as an intruder, they have
  quite a job of "mourning" of the past to do;
- Be firm with your children when it comes to your choice;
- Do not give them the opportunity to challenge you;
- Do not try to obtain their approval at all costs;
- Do not feel guilty, children take advantage of this situation to destabilize you;
- A blended family is built on the ruins of a broken family and someone reunites the meaning of marriage and divorce. This past life has left its mark and it also marked your children;
- Do not try to deny it;
- Establish a fair and healthy relationship with the absent father. Your children will feel secure and will be 
  much more willing to accept the presence of a step-parent.

- Your torque:

   Even if you're attacked by multiple daily tasks, taking care to spare some moments of intimacy  is essential
   to the duration of your relationship.

- Your companion

   As a newcomer, the step-parent must accept the rules and comply with the practices that exist in the
   family. Listen to the children talk, councilor. Do not try to be the head of the household and the one who
   decides everything right away. Do not try to replace the absent parent in terms of authority and affection as
   rejection would be immediate.

   If you can build respect in your family, adults and children, if everyone has consideration for the other, then
   the success of the building is insured. You will live in a stepfamily full of harmony and solidarity.

   If you happen to have difficulties, know that you can count on the support of associations and
   organizations, the role of which is to listen and to help families. You can also find a lot of online divorce help and help on related problems.


Is harmony in the couple realistic?

Life as a couple has become the basis of a blended family, but it is fraught with pitfalls. Each member comes to confront the other, bringing up their past experiences and values. Under these circumstances, is it realistic to hope for harmony in a new couple?

It is important to understand that despite all the precautions taken, the impact of cohabitation is inevitable. Simply put forward ways to:

- communicate more and better;
- allow everyone to express their needs;
- consider the words of the smallest;
- successfully negotiate the new boundaries and agreements to the satisfaction of all;
- be prepared to revise them as needed.

Before embarking on the path of a stepfamily, spouses should know that this choice of life has its challenges, some of which are unavoidable. Yet, happiness in a blended family  is possible, with a little skill and a good dose of maturity.

The new couple dream of harmony

The children stand at the heart of the proposed blended family. Also, the members of a couple hope that bonds of affection develop between them.

Would it be fair to say that they do not live just the same love story as a parent?

For children, the stepfamily brings a dilemma: are they allowed to love the new partner or the new partner with whom they must now live without being disloyal to either of their two parents?

Including the children

This conflict of loyalty cannot be solved by supporting the adults around them. Helping to resolve this impasse is one of the crucial responsibilities accruing to both parents. Sometimes, in order to monopolize the children’s love, some resist the temptation of evil blackmail and this at a time when children are most vulnerable. The children’s hearts are yet big enough to make room for all.

While new partners are working to complete this family project with enthusiasm, the children, they have many other concerns. They have not chosen or decided not to reconstitute a family. Therefore, they need to know:

-  what part of love they receive now that their parent loves someone else;
-  if that bring any changes in their daily lives;
-  what they lose;
-  what they gain.

Preserve your relationship

Children’s needs and concerns, however, should not take precedence over the couple. Indeed, lovers often have little time between preparing meals, supervising homework, baths and extracurricular courses.

The harmony within the new family would not be complete without harmony in the couple. To succeed, we must hang on to moments of intimacy. Why not ask the older to take care of the younger? The solution has the advantage of allowing the couple to find these moments while promoting understanding between children.