Parents Must Be Present!

Quebec families are caught in the hustle of modern life: work, household, transportation, training, meals...

All societies have rituals to celebrate a community member’s passage from childhood to adolescence.  After school, our young children often finds themselves very lonely -- detached from the family. The communication between parents and teens has a special importance.

Teens out of the basement

It's tempting as a parent to save a little time and let them "live their lives locked in their room or in the basement with their music, television, friends, and especially their mobile computer… But is that really what they need?

Be present

Parents believe children can manage with their school work, hours of sleep, or hours of output.
Error: the young person is a being that needs changing markers, direction, and limits. Now, you only play your part as a parent if you are present and if you spend quality time together!

Having control of the situation

Your presence brings an automatic control element in your teen’s life. Who tells you that your child does what they have to do when you're at work? Did they bring friends at home at lunchtime or after school? Can they watch TV, play video games or learn the physiological characteristics of human reproduction from the Net?

Also note that some 13 year-olds return home early in the afternoon while their parents come home only early in the evening. Perhaps, it is too much to ask a 13-year-old to take care of themselves for three or four hours a day.

Ceasing the opportunities of communicating

Communication is a skill that requires training and maintenance, just like marriage and divorce. Thus, you have to maximize the opportunities of communicating with your teenager. A child or young person has the functions "pause" or "rewind", just like a machine. You had better be there and available when they are ready to talk, otherwise you'll wait for the next miracle.

Organization of their time

Have you thought about working at home? Can you choose your next job according to the schedule of the company? Do these schedules allow you to combine work and family life? Can the distance between your workplace and your home be reduced to avoid long time lost on the way?

Can you schedule your evenings at home to be with your family? These evenings spent together will save your child from future visits to a therapist.

Entourage: is there a grandmother or a grandfather in the room? If you cannot be present because of work constraints, can a "mom" or "dad" replacement be appointed? Why not ask people around you to watch your children in your absence? An aunt, a neighbor or friend living in your neighborhood can be a great relief. Grandparents often have quality time to offer to your children and their grandchildren and they are in great shape. Why not give them the opportunity to contribute to the well-being of their grandchildren?

A little more family activities

Choose to work evenings or weekends that bring together the interests of all family members. Do you like sports? You need to be in shape: a father and son can subscribe to the same gym and train together.

Are you more into artistic activities than into sports? Visit museums, organize monthly outings to libraries, go to the theater... All excuses are good to promote these parent-teen activities, like bowling, visiting the grandmother, auto repairing, shopping, going to the restaurant activities... We even saw a father and daughter try going to the opera.

The important point is that being with your child and sharing activities with them is a way of maximizing your relationship and the opportunities to communicate with them. It does not really matter what you do together. You can even talk about online divorce if you want, as long as that communication is present.

Becoming an At-home Mother: A Difficult Choice

After the birth of her second daughter, Isabel Lachance had to make a choice: return to work or become an at-home mother. She tells the ups and downs of a working mother.

At the outset, Isabel Lachance says that being an at-home mother is a lifestyle choice. "I do not judge those who made the decision to continue to work and I do not think one mother is better than another simply because she chose to stay at home,” she specifies.

It must be said that the young woman herself has long been on the job market. "The decision to stay home was extremely difficult one to make. I thought about it several months. I left a good job and my security. If you want to go back in that environment after several years of absence, you're out. It made me really scared, but eventually it was the heart that prevailed", she says.

For the quality of life

Isabel Lachance did not want her children to be raised by someone else. "It made no sense for me not to see my daughters for more than two hours a day. I wanted to be there for all the first times, breastfeed as long as possible and be with them.

The others’ judgment

Obviously, not everything is always pink in the lives of employed mothers. "This was one thing that was difficult for me. I hated the small comments which usually came from other women. Many believe that being an at-home mother means spending your days sitting in front of the TV. Yet, the reality is far from that! " said Isabel, smiling. She admits that she sometimes feel bad when meeting new people and when she is asked what she has done in life. "In some circumstances, it is as if I needed to remind myself that I have done something else and I have not just been a mother in my life. Other times, I am very proud to say that I'm a mom," she said.

Staying at home is about making choices

The young woman claims that choosing to become an at-home mother is putting much aside. "It's more difficult to have a social life when you're not on the labor market. What we do is not valued either. There is no performance bonus at the end of the quarter, she laughs. Finally, you have a minute for you. At home, there is no coffee break! "

If at first the young woman admits to have had doubts about her choice, this is very rarely the case today. "I know that my family is less stressed out. We do not have breakfast on the run in the morning and my girls go to part time daycare since they are two years old. All those memories of being with them fill my heart and my head and they are priceless," says the mom.

When asked if she plans to return on the job market one day, she thinks aloud. "Probably yes, but now I am enjoying my choice fully. It is impossible to perform everywhere in life. There are just 24 hours in a day! Personally, I chose to focus on my family," she says, smiling.

Are You Consistent With Your Teen?

The consistency of both parents towards their young is essential in order to avoid confusion within the family.

Friday, 17 am: It is the weekend! Finally! You have had one thing in mind only ever since your departure from work and all the way back -- you loosen the tie and "crush" on the sofa with a glass (or two ... or three) of wine or beer.  Then, unzip this week's craziness.

Permissions and prohibitions

Heading into this paradise of relaxation and drop, you begin to distinguish voices. You open the door of your house: "Good evening, everybody!" But, your entry passes completely unnoticed. However, the temperature's definitely high between your wife and your 15-year-old girl! Roxane wants to go out despite the ban that parents imposed on her following her poor academic performance.

Frustrated teen, exasperated parents

Your wife is struggling as a devil in holy water to convince her that a parent plays the role of the mentor: you think they will come to blows very soon. A mad desire crosses your mind: enjoy what you have not been seen to turn back and head back to the little bar around the corner, to enjoy a little quiet, a good drink, and rock music blaring ... You finally opt for the grief and the quiet evening farewell storm, a frustrated teenager and an exhausted mother.

Peace of Munich

In 1938, the French and British leaders met with Hitler in Munich: "It's good, you can invade Czechoslovakia and destroy this country, but please do not attack us", they told him. Laughing, Hitler said, "I promise!"  In crossing his fingers, hands and toes, and Chamberlain and Daladier, the English and French leaders, were greeted as heroes upon their return home. They had saved the peace! The rest is history.

You are in Munich and Roxane plays her trump card. You have the authority, but you mainly want peace. You look at your ally. Basically, you have to let her live her own experiences, her friends’ parents are all more tolerant, she is big enough to make choices and bear the consequences.

Consistency between spouses

What parent does not dream of letting go? Who has not dreamed of turning a blind eye and buying peace with her child by giving them permission without their spouse’s consent? Who ever thought that her husband was either too "hard" or too "soft" when the time came to set the tags?

Your teens have the ability to read your soul and find topics and specific times to come and test your consistency, your personal integrity ("Will he take his butt?").

Asking the right questions

Being consistent, being able to deliver what was advertised: before we get to a position, ask yourself some questions:

- Is my decision made based on my personal values?
- Have I discussed with my spouse or partner?
- I dominate my emotions, but do they? Do I not promise the worst consequences when I'm angry,
  then retract?
- Have we taken the time and perspective needed to make a decision?

Do as the Supreme Court of Canada and accept the requests made in advance, do not negotiate before the teenager, deliberate in private and give one common answer!

The teen will learn the limits

It is the teenager’s role to test the limits, check the tightness of the parental couple, attempting to obtain benefits from one parent or the other. Now, if you take your time, breathe deeply and communicate openly with your partner, the following will occur:  you'll gain personally, your relationship will improve and, more importantly, your teenager will gain from respecting their parents in situations.

To bring consistency, repeat this phrase: "Dictatorship is shutting your mouth! Democracy is always being concerned..."

Working Mothers

Who among us has not seen a little boy wearing his coat, entering kindergarten, accompanied by a parent at very early hours of the morning or a few moments before going to work? 

Perhaps the sacrifice imposed on the child is the only solution that has been found by the adult that goes with them.  The adult may be unable to leave their job , especially since there are more expenses than before the child’s birth.  This makes practically it impossible for them to be sure of how much they can cover when  it comes to the couple’s expenses.

There are many proposed alternative solutions, such as having nurseries and women leaving their children with someone else while they are working a few floors above. This close contact would also allow the kids to enter their schedule, especially since mothers should not be reduced to spending only a few minutes with their child in the mornings and evenings.

In this sense, pediatric experts expressed the desirability of the child to spend more time with their mother during the first three years of life. These experts show that in cases in which the mothers do not work, the children sleep more and are less nervous as they do not have to go to daycare early in the morning. In addition, children have the ability to perform numerous activities in the morning without being imposed on in nursery schools and they can engage in many more activities from an early age.

Given this reality, there are also some lucky parents who can use the help of a relative when it comes to childcare while they are working. The more this happens, the more they are forced to deal with the troubles of their schedules when they reach adulthood. This should pose a problem for the whole society, which has proved open to find a solution as soon as possible and this would not only represent an upheaval for the thousands of couples in our country who cannot wait to be parents every year.

Here are some tips for the separation of the child from the mother in case she has to spend enough time away from home working so that this is all not as sudden and traumatic, especially because it is necessary for both parties and they both must learn to live with it and to be comfortable with it.

The fear of separation is normal in young children. The separation anxiety begins around the age of 7 months and it intensifies and reaches a peak just after the age of one year; finally, it gradually fades over the next 3 years. If your child protests, he or she does it because you're telling them that you want them to be by your side and you need them to be by your side all the time. Do not worry, your child will end up realizing that the fact that you work means that they cannot spend so much time with you, but they will learn not to miss you too much. On the other hand, it is important to work because we must not forget that a good balance is the best guarantee of happiness and good development of your child.

What can you do?  

- Think that the adaptation effort your child has to perform is great, so protect them as much as possible.
  When you get home from work, stay by their bed and read them a story and you probably will not feel like
  doing anything else when you think about how happy you are going to make them. Hoping to reach their
  mother takes up their entire day.

- It is important for your child to participate in your work, because it is something important to you. There is
  a trick you can use: buy a piggy bank with coins because it makes much noise. Explain to your child how
  important it is to go to work and that they will be able to fill their piggy bank thanks to your work. Give
  them a coin every morning before you go and plan what it is that you will do together with that money. Just
  put some coins in there before you go to work. After a few days, when this turns into quite an event, go
  with them to the "junk food" store and let them buy whatever they want.

- Enjoy your child and think about the fact that this is a time that will eventually pass. In time, the child will be
  less dependent because of their evolutionary development.

Aspirin and Pregnancy and Mothers and Smoking

Aspirin reduces the risk of complications in pregnant women with anti-phospholipids syndrome. The birth rate without complications, in women taking aspirin, has risen from 38% to 72%.

Aspirin administration significantly reduces the risk of complications in patients with anti-phospholipids syndrome, according to the research conducted by Dr. Munoz Rodriguez, who has been promoted by the Hospital Clinic of Barcelona and the Institute of Biomedical Research. The study, the results of which were published in the journal Seminars in Arthritis and Rheumatism, shows that aspirin consumption lowers the chances of the occurrence of venous or arterial thrombosis and abortions, complications usually related to this autoimmune disease. In particular, the rate of births without complications has increased from 38% to 72% in pregnant women who take aspirin as a preventive measure.

The research conducted by the team doctor Rodríguez Muńoz focused on one hundred patients with anti-phospholipids syndrome who underwent a follow-up period of more than four years. Specialists found that 91% of patients treated with aspirin developed new thrombosis, while the risk with those who were given aspirin was reduced to 42%.

The long-term treatment with anticoagulants was found to be even more effective: only 19% of subjects who received it were affected by new episodes of thrombosis. Aspirin has an especially good effect in pregnant women undergoing prophylactic aspirin.

The anti-phospholipids syndrome is an autoimmune disorder characterized by fatal arterial and venous thrombosis, abortions or thrombocytopenia in association with the presence of anti-phospholipids antibodies. The syndrome is considered primary if it is not associated with other underlying diseases and secondary if it appears linked to other autoimmune diseases like lupus erythematosus.

Mothers and Smoking
 
Recent studies have shown again that children of smoking mothers are more likely to have respiratory disorders, especially if the mothers smoked during their pregnancy.

The reason is that children are receiving less oxygen than necessary than usual and this can lead to complications, affecting the small airways.

The effect on the fetus is more serious and important during the first three months of pregnancy, since the airways and the lungs are made of spongy tissue in this embryonic stage.

It has also been shown that quitting smoking during pregnancy results in a less responsive reaction to sensorial stimuli of the newborn, which is essential for the development of the child's intelligence.

Viewing these results of the studies on whether to quit or not to quit smoking during pregnancy, it seems clear that it is always best not to smoke before, during and after pregnancy.

Manual of Good Living for Desperate Parents ...

The living and the not so wonderful hidden side of things ...

At this stage of the game, when any thinking person knows and understands that living with someone may be a panacea, there may be no limits, rules and sets of guidelines.  Those who are suspected of living together can sometimes get involved in a kind of mortal combat.  However, there is usually no trauma and many end up sleeping with each other.

For example, you may fight with your partner all day, but you will always find a way to make up. No wonder they say that the married wangt their own house, this being an obvious allusion to the parents that love them.

We know everyone has their unconditional life and that we shall be unconditional with our children, as it is the law of life and so on, but we have a problem with our parents when we become daughters-in-law, sons-in-law and extended family.

This is also the case when our parents become grandparents. Yes, everything turns out to be quite complicated as we go through life and we add events to our life and there are some logical roles we have to play.

Our roles can change from one moment to another: we can be celebrities, we can be the best sportsmen of the last year, we can be so many things, but we have to take each of them separately.

We have to understand that everything needs to be taken step-by-step and that there are certain things which require more training than others. You cannot just burn Troy every day and you do not have to spend so much time learning how to use the toilet as with learning how to mend a car.

Another thing that shows the downs of coexistence is that you have things go very bad whe you break up and no one takes the ending separately or for real,  no matter what the reasons are.

Then, you should try to reach an optimal distance from each other. The porcupines are in this situation, as they find a way to be cornered in the same place, all together.

The thing is that this is what human beings should do, too, and not kill each other separately and making it n times more difficult that it already is because of the situation itself.

For example, there is a time when parents want to stop sharing the nuptial bed and change the entire room so that they can sleep in completely separate single beds.

Of course, they may have wanted to revive the old times from time-to-time, but there is also a time when only God decides that.

Some women believe that sleeping in separate beds seems like sacrilege. However, they only think that until they grow and have a husband.  In the marital bed, boxing scenes can be recreated when asleep, so you have to dream of pillows and use them as a protector shield.

Women usually become fed up with not sleeping for nights in a row and with not knowing what to do, so they find other solutions, such as sleeping in separate beds. Everything seems to go very well in the beginning. But after learning the Kamasutra and getting to know the other too well, there are times when you need to take this step.

You have to see if they can change and if they are gentlemen. If they are, they can stop all this and you can return to sleeping together in the same bed.

So the sequence is more or less like this: take care of him, make him understood after a few seconds of speaking what seems to be Armenian for him and this is was happens: you wake up angry in the middle of the night, you apologize and try to find a way to cover all those missing chapters from the famous book on secret sex.

As you continue collecting years, that feeling grows and you know that more and more people adhere to the idea of separate beds and never question the whys with this situation. But the difficulty of cohabitation does not only stand in the assets belonging to the partners or in uneven opinions or reactions.

Wars of frictions arise between parents, children, siblings, pets and other herbs, including mosquitoes and cockroaches, but they go directly to the fauna and there is the daily combat with guerrillas and you kill bugs with your bear hand, completely rejecting any form of coexistence.

The solution is very simply: either them or us on the property. Under no circumstances can we all live together under the same roof. Coexistence walks complicating things even among friends, who supposedly chose each other.

Proof of this is that when a friend moves in with you, you fight as a natural consequence of the closeness of your partner’s limits and yours as well.   The fact that both your children and theirs live there together can cause difficulties.

The conclusion is challenging: Do not do something because another does it, because it's going to hurt. Take note: You do it for you to see and understand what it feels like. You do it because it is a challenge and you want to stand up to it.

She knows you love cola and that soft drinks are one of your addictions, so she lets me know how bad she feels about it. You may think: “Good, the gowns do not care, so can I support my habit without gas?”, but you will see that it is not all about that.

She may be angry with your precious treasure of 2 liters of liquid poured in the toilet. Satisfied, she claps her palms thus indicating that the matter is over and walks around with the triumphant look, enjoying your treacherous defeat.

Things are not about that. You don’t have to get angry with the other because they have certain pleasures, but you have to accept them and see where they lead you.

That should break your angry and stubborn mule packed silence. If the thing is too serious, you can no longer go to sleep with your enemy, the next chapter of coexistence.

Of course, things do not improve among siblings. In fact, they tend to be worse. Each domestic task is a challenge to all that ends in an absolute monarchy, to the tune playing: “I'm in charge in this house and you have to do what I say”.

Now, you have completed all the previous discussion: that is to explain to the two lunatics who gave you life that they have every right in the world to live in a clean environment and that they contribute to exactly the opposite situation and the opposite outcome.

Go forth spreading crumbs, throwing objects and scattering your things.

Another thing that makes it much easier to live with them is that every day, they insist that a human being worthy of the name bathes, combs their hair and cleans their teeth, at least.

Other concerns able to shake the peace of the home an d other questions of rigor would be:

Older sister: “Why do I have to do it?”

Mother: “Because you're the biggest,”

And teen-sister:  "Do you really need to grumble for half an hour before giving me the joy of meeting my order?"

Younger brother: "And I am tiny and I am not sabotaging you. The chick is retarded, as he calls his sister. By the way, the other one communicates that all she wants to be when she grows up is a lawyer."

These are some phrases that would delight a psychologist ready to offer a family couch.

“Hey, stupid. Send your sister to me.”

Such a line leads to a number of others replies, which are meant to find all kind sof excuses to get away with it or to make it clear that there is a superior sibling and an inferior one.

However, specialists conclude that when the house is in order, in silence, like when we ask where we all are and we're usually lacking something, everything goes very well and there is harmony and peace.

Some homes lack the buzzes made by the children, who try to animate the home, but usually get on everyone’s nerves at a certain point. However, the most important thing to know about the atmosphere in a home is that it is all subjected to love and love can turn chaos into order, which is what usually happens in the house, too.

Parents on Weekends

When the parents get separated, it is common for the children to stay and live with their mom. The father then becomes a regulated visit and while the society murmurs, the parents have to do something. The children suffer in silence, their uncle is afraid of being their uncle and there is a gap in the bond between the family members.

Divorced parents, bad guys

In the popular imagination and when gossiping at tea time, the divorced parents are usually the bad guys. They are those who went to buy cigarettes and never return, those who flee in a certain situation, those who do not pay the alimony and those who must be pursued by the law.

Another chapter refers to the other kind of parents, the separated parents, those who leave everything to their partner and still keep their children. These parents imagine, conceive and cradle their young; make them breakfast every day; share the first day of class; and the bedtime story with them.  When the marriage is suddenly dissolved, they get to visit the home they built and they soon get to have another male figure as a surrogate parent: the mother's new partner.

The dad feels he helped build a nest and then had to leave forever and nobody cares about his feelings. It is said that men do not cry and perhaps they do because some are so sad that they would form a tsunami if they cried all together. If you do not believe this, take the following aspects into consideration.

Long ago or in the past generations, the children were of the women, who stayed at home and breed them, while the father worked all day and then went to play pool or to the bar with his friends.  He gets along very well with his children when they meet.

In the 60s and 70s, people began to learn that if the wife was pregnant, it was like they were both pregnant and he was co-star in this whole process and also after birth, for life. Thus, some men had to bite the bullet and participate to the birth and they were encouraged to cut the umbilical cord and give their babies their first bath. They learned to change diapers, prepare bottles and food and give comfort to the infant at night, if they mourned every three hours. They dared to whisper lullabies to their baby or they would wake them up with that other Pinto song, saying that the rooster fell asleep and did not sing that morning.

In short, they realized that work was a pleasure that had been lost for generations and that the concept of masculinity had a significant page turned and it was time to change for the better.

Of course, the femininity was also changing at the same time. Thus, this new human male was in love with his children and his fatherly role, which was what family was all about and which perhaps healed the wounds from childhood. Then, they experienced a dramatic second lesson: divorcing their partner no longer consists of just breaking the link with a woman, but it exposes them to a much greater pain.

Parents forever? 

No film shows the reality better (perhaps no other) than Mrs. Doubtfire (Father Of All Time), this being the drama and feeling of a man having to leave the family home because his wife no longer loved him. He can no longer live with his children he adores.

In the famous film, Robin Williams plays the beleaguered father not to accept the inability to watch his children constantly and since the character is an actor, he ends up posing as a lady of a higher age, Mrs. Doubtfire, who becomes the nanny of his own children.

The same happens in everyday life beyond the details and nuances surrounding the breakage of a marriage. It is very common that the children remain under the custody of the mother, law and culture automatically considering her more popular than the male parent in the absence of evidence to the contrary.

“A parent knows, even before separating, that they need to be times in the life of their children, although they can no longer witness their growth or share activities with them. Then, they eventually notice their physical changes in voice, every week or fortnight or when they can reconnect with them. Their successes and failures will be an anecdote and one feels that they slowly turn into a kind of uncle if they just come and visit and they end up being afraid of the child not missing them anymore,” says Santiago, 53 years old, a teacher in Buenos Aires, who has been separated for ten years and with two children.

The current notes on these issues are usually devoted to describing the delicate situation in which the boys are, who must adapt to a new reality or focus on women's civil rights if their partner does not provides the food required by law.

But this is a more unique story.

Children of divorced parents

“There is no doubt that the link is broken, no matter how good the weekly meeting is since the link is not established everyday”, ensures SÁnchez AndresÉs, a clinical psychologist for 33 years, professor and creator of the Career Counseling ( Psychological Consultant) in the country. He adds:

“In our society, people believe it is the woman or the child who suffers more and forget that the man loses his home, continuity, making them feel sad. My experience as a therapist has put me in front of many men who cry, who are distressed at having to see their children once a week, in a sort of guided tour if he has a proper place to host them and must then return to the mother’s home.”

Moreover, there are men who delay the separation or do not get separated, but live together in appalling conditions in the couple. They stay for 7 or 8 years without any kind of sexual bond with their wife and they sustain a relationship in terms of not losing the interaction with their children.

For her part, Maria Ruth, systemic Gestalt psychologist with 20 years of hospital experience, seems to agree with her colleague and says: “I see them suffer in the office, leave their furniture, home, smells, plants and go away because all that is history and it produces grief. But what do they do when it comes to their sustainable life”.

When the father or uncle feels the distance

Eduardo, accountant of Villa Crespo, 3 children, bank employee: “We had some relationship problems, which were not very serious in my opinion. One night, my wife told me I had to go, she threw me out,” he said when he spoke to his attorney.

“To avoid greater problems, I spend the night at my parents’ house and I went home the next day. When trying to enter, I realized that she had changed the lock, so I attended, she responded insulting me and refused to allow me to be with my children”.

Eduardo is part of another reality, as there are thousands of parents who cannot even see their children regularly. Jose Maria Bouza, founder of Apadeshi in 1988 (PTA away from his children) says: “Separating without the possibility of having contact with the children is a more serious case, because there is an obstruction on the link produced by the partner and the father is marginalized in society, looking for casual work, leaving aside everything and focusing on a court action, because he thinks things will be resolved quickly and this is not so in our country. This is all like a mirage in the mountains: the climber believes to see the top right there, close and later finds out that it is further or that they can never reach it.”

Dad is not an idol for the judges


Jose Maria Bouza, who confesses he only paid about 15,000, thinks that: “a court which raises a question of ownership should assess who is the fittest, not who has the proper gender. They should judge by their psychological conditions, the career development and the time available and especially by their attitude towards their partner about this issue. But the mother is culturally preferred, even ignoring the fact that some mothers have had suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalizations or even that they do not even want to really take care of the kids.”

For her part, Luis Maria Assaneo, founder of Apradim (group of professionals who lecture on topics such as Enigmas of Manliness, Couples in Crisis, etc.), psychologist and professor at the Centre Two of psychological support and member of the Freudian School in Buenos Aires, agrees with Bouza and says: “laws that automatically give custody of children to mothers are obsolete, the father’s possibility to parent has evolved and it used to be the woman who stayed at home, while now both of them work outside the home.”

Ms. Maria Ruth extends the concept:  “the mother has a bow gun in the first four years of life that she must not cut, but then both are capable of exerting the role of mother-father or father-mother and the kids could choose to be with one of them.”

Is there hope, father?

Sanchez says: “There are new psychological trends and it does not matter who does what, when and so on, as long as they can take care of the children. There is no such thing as why, who, when and where anymore, the most frequent question being how. These streams provide the ability to think in a concrete way and the family, the ex, the kids, the family reunions do not make the thing so individualistic.”

Maria advises: “ The tendency to be achieved should be that the family recurs to a break, regains homeostasis, finds a new equilibrium, but all tend to do that and everything is in order after a time of crisis. The Dad has to go, he expect a large internal piece of work to overcome this cut or break and it may be time for a re-learning, as there are parents who discover their parentage skills just when they leave.”

Jose Maria Bouzas suggests that the dads that have no children need to change and prepare the nest, becoming better for when they stick the leap and join the other in this adventure.”

Parental Responsibility in the Pre-divorce Phase

Divorce or should the children stay together?

The period of doubt

The time before the final divorce decision is called by experts the ambivalent phase. This is to express that the data subject between the certainty of doing the right thing with the divorce and the doubts about the correctness of the divorce decision. In a moment, an image of a new beginning and a way of life without the partner with whom all things have become so difficult and unsatisfactory is clearly in one’s mind. The next moment, this picture breaks down and the fears of the uncertain future and the hope that the marriage can still be saved come to the fore.

Out of all the considerations about their own personal partnership, the care of the children is the most important.

- What does a divorce mean for them?

- Will they get over their parents’ separation or will they suffer for a long time, perhaps even in their personal life?

- Or, is a separation the better solution in the long run?
- Is it better for the children to grow up with conflicting and disgruntled parents, but still in a complete family
  or is it better for them if their parents go through a divorce, but they grow up without there being disputes
  between the parents?

Most parents clearly feel that they must act according to their desire to live a happier life, but their children’s wishes come first. You know that a wife is still the beloved mother of her child even if the personal expectations of a lifelong partnership are no longer met and that a man who is disappointed as a husband in the couple's relationship is still the beloved father of his child, regardless of this.

Arguing about things

There are disputes in every family as arguing is a way of finding solutions. There are situations that are unsatisfactory for one or more family members and that can be improved by conflict. There are conflicts that are solved by bringing conflicts and that prolong the family’s life. A feature of the "healthy" arguing is that the partners finally reach an agreement.

One has agreed on who can see what on television, when the car is available or when the three-year-old daughter should be home and then the battle is done. It is abundantly clear that the solutions are not valid for always. If something changes, for example, a new job is associated with longer travel times or the now fourteen-year-old daughter requires more space, the issues are re-opened.

It is different if the cause of dispute is that the adults are dissatisfied and unhappy with their marital relationship and every event is perceived to be governed by this air of dissatisfaction. Then there is only a semblance of peace and the family atmosphere cannot really be cleaned.

If you feel that the disputes on several occasions pile up and the real causes of the dispute lie in the dissatisfaction with your marriage, try to formulate the cause as clearly as possible and to talk with your partner about it. This leads to an unpredictable result. It can lead to real conflicts that are difficult, painful and exhausting are at first, but which ultimately lead to settlements and solutions, namely, both change. The disputes can lead to new dead ends of fruitless arguing. If you fear this or have already had the experience, visiting a counseling center may be helpful. Couples can be helped to understand each other’s points of view better there and talk in a more fertile way.

The period of doubt can be useful

This much is certain. A couple with a child or children going through a divorce is always an extension of the partner’s crisis of parenthood. Divorce is good. The children are certainly not meant to be affected, but they are. In most cases, the children do not want their parents to get a divorce, but they have to cope with it. In any event, the separation of parents throws children in a major crisis. The parents are guilty for a divorce, not their children. The decision to get a divorce may not be made hastily by any means and the assessment of the consequences of a divorce should be as realistic as possible.

Deal with your partnership issues

If you dare to approach the discussion on your partnership issues, please answer the question: Can the problems be solved in the marriage or is the separation really the only way?

The days when marriage counseling centers were the primary aim are long gone. The days when saving the marriage at any cost was aimed are long gone. Today, there are advisory bodies such as "family counseling centers or counseling for couples and families in conflict situations". At the end of such advice sessions, all possible paths to get out of a crisis that may well set back the separation decision should have been explored.

Divorce counseling can even go on for some years. Also, their tasks include seeking advice in the ambivalence phase and help to clarify the prospects for the survival of the marriage through counseling or therapy.

Get information and advice about divorce and its consequences

Divorce is much more than a legal process. The reorganization of life begins long before the divorce is filed and extends well into the time after the judge's decision. Each section of the divorce action brings new questions and demands. The more you know about it, the better you can prepare yourself for it.

You can get information on rights and duties, custody of the children, the cost of a divorce, the financial consequences (e.g. maintenance, old age) in family counseling or with the social services in your city or town and the youth office. There, you can also find out what help and support options you have and what options are there for your partner and your children. In addition, there is a variety of facilities, from the church to the folk high school, group meetings for divorce or already divorced parents. Finally, there are a number of advisers with different emphasis in the book trade and in the lending libraries.

Knowledge provides security

- It is easier to develop more precise ideas about the appropriate solutions for your situation and your child 
   if  you are informed.
- When dealing with professionals with whom you will have to do in the course of the divorce proceedings
   (attorney, employees of the agency, judges), you may experience issues that affect you, but which make
   you more confident and more precise.
- For example, you can also better assess whether the attorney appointed by you can soften or worsen the
  conflicts and, thus, if he is ultimately committed to your interests.
- Last but not least, it is easier to distinguish good advice from friends and relatives from ill advice.

Basically, it is useful if both parents attend an information evening or a counselor. Talking together is difficult enough during this period. It is somewhat easier if both parents have a comparable level of information. You might also point to your partner to brochures, books or websites that you think are informative.

A good level of information will help you to stay in control of the decisions that affect your life and your child. Teach them about the acquisition of information beyond the individual consultation. You can go to people specialized in family counseling or divorce counseling and you can get a consultation based on your personal problems and the situation in your family.

Check your expectations

Try to verify all critical expectations that you connect to a divorce before making a decision. The hope that everything will be better after the divorce, for example, is an expectation that will be most likely lead to disappointment. The evaluations of the experiences of other divorced people lead to the conclusion that things are likely to become much better only about two years after the divorce.

Other unrealistic expectations would be "I will never go back with them", "The divorce will solve all conflicts",  " Everything will be easier after the divorce", "My life circumstances stay as they are, the only difference being that they are no longer in my life", "My child is so young that they will have forgotten their father (or mother) soon", "If I marry again, the children get a new mother (a new father) and my former wife (my ex-husband) is definitely unnecessary". These and other false expectations can lead to disappointment in the marriage, which very soon turns into the disappointment of divorce.

Try to be clear about what a divorce means for your child

It is not that long ago that children of divorced parents were necessarily expected to have permanent developmental and behavioral problems. Any problem, be it at school or at home, with peers or with adults, was seen as a result of the divorce. We now know that a complete family is not automatically an intact family and that a divorced family is not always a healthy environment for children to grow up in. Likewise, we know that many children of divorced parents grow into young adults and do not differ from their peers from non-divorced families.

And yet, the impact that a parental separation can have on children's development should not be underestimated. Since the situation is different in each family, one must look closer and ask the following question: What do children lose through separation or can they win by a parental separation, too? It is also clear that there is a difference between the separation experience and the long-term situation which results from a divorce.

The studies on children exposed to living in complete families, but in which there were severe marital conflicts have revealed that these children show precisely the behavior problems that have often been described as typical reactions of children to a divorce. The children from divorced families who were repeatedly investigated for many years were surveyed after a difficult adjustment period of about two years.  As a result, the differences between them and children in complete families are small. Also, they did better than the children who grew up in conflict-loaded families. However, the children whose parents failed to end their conflicts in a reasonable period of time after the divorce were in a worse situation than the children whose parents have led a troubled marriage, but who did not get divorced.

Can one imagine how a child experiences this situation? It all begins with the word “choice”. If you think about your divorce and your, you should think instead of their parents’ divorce or separation. Not only are the parents separated, but the child will also experience very specific separations from their parents.

What can you do for your child at the time of a possible separation or divorce?

Children need clear messages

Long before a separation, a child has the unsettling feeling that something is wrong. They see if their parents do not want to talk about the fights with them or if their mother's tearful eyes remain unnoticed and the child is doing well if they notice anything at first. They fluctuate between the hope that everything will be all right and the fear that something threatening will happen, things which still have no name for the younger children.

The child is in a strained situation and they are looking for clues and answers to their questions. If no one is there or children do not dare to speak to someone who gives honest answers, so to speak, they talk to themselves. They begin to dream of what the cause could be, who is to blame and what is probable to happen the next. In a tense family atmosphere, children need clear messages, as described below.

The disputes are a matter exclusively for adults

The problems are between the parents, not between parents and children. However, the children should not be marginalized because, after all, they are also affected. They are their parents and it is their family. They are entitled to honest information and conversations. Tell them that the father and mother are currently fighting a lot because they have problems with each other, which only adults may have. The fact that it is currently very difficult to be with each other and that the adults have disputes can be much more difficult to assess by the children if you quarrel.

Also tell your children that what is happening in your family now is sad and it is not so beautiful and peaceful, but that there is no use in simply pretending that everything will be fine. Also, tell them that you do not blame them, although they are often scolded. Tell them that you will try to find solutions, even if you do not yet know what those solutions are.

Children should not feel responsible for the divorce

This applies to the dispute and causes for the termination of the dispute. In particular, younger children relate much of what is happening around them and even make mistakes when it comes to the person responsible. In other words, they see connections that are not actually there.

"Mom is so sad because I have not cleaned my room again!"

"Daddy is so angry because I was so wild when riding a bicycle and I scratched the car door!"

Such reasoning seduces children to believe they could do something to get everything back to the good old times, a hope that is doomed to failure and the children can be discouraged and end up desperate.

Children must not be turned into allies

Looking for support and reinforcement is probably a natural need in case of conflict, when the weakness and fragility of their senses are very pronounced, so the little ones prefer to be allies with one party. However, you should prevent the children from the playing this game! Given the fact that children need love and recognition from both parents, they run into conflicts of loyalty and lasting feelings of guilt when parents try to hold them by their side. The personality development can be heavily burdened.

Children need the emotional closeness of their parents

If the conflict-ridden family atmosphere increases the emotional alienation of the partners, make sure that the children still benefit from the emotional closeness. Try to be close to your children and spend enough time together with them, despite all the worries. Even if you are sad and you have just had a dispute, you should not leave them in front of the television alone. The fact is that much can be compensated by spending time with the children, who notice the difficult times in the family. The most important message for children is that their mother and father love them and are there for them, despite all their problems and you should then look convincing.