How Much Does a Divorce Cost?

Once your decision is made, you start the divorce proceedings. You will now have to choose a lawyer who will defend your interests and you should know the costs of his intervention. However, nothing is more difficult than assessing the total divorce cost.

The legal profession has the peculiarity of not having any costs set. Lawyers are not allowed to issue their price. In practice, their fees are based on seniority and specialty. Everyone chooses their own price!

In divorce cases, a lawyer’s hourly rate is usually between 100 and 300 €. Please note that these professionals often speak without taxes. You'll need to add the VAT to know how much it will actually cost you in the end.

The first consultation

The first interview is often your occasion to make the measurements. You'll discuss, explain your situation, exchange ideas and finally measure whether or not you want to entrust your case to that particular lawyer. Be aware that time is not for free. If you ultimately decide not to continue with him, the lawyer will charge you for the time spent with you. However, if you entrust your case to him, this first consultation will be offered “free” (you pay and then deduct the amount from the final bill).

Fee or hourly rate

There are two operating modes available for you and you will have to agree with your lawyer on one of them: billing by the hour or package.

-    In the case of divorce in court (or by mutual consent), which is the simplest, the package system is often preferred. The average cost is about 1 500 €. Do not imagine that you cannot, however, disturb your lawyer on the slightest pretext for this award. Once the lawyer has spent ten hours on your case or more, he will switch to being paid by the hour, but you will be informed beforehand.

Disclaimer

The Internet now provides lawyers who "break" the market by taking a divorce case for 450 €. It sounds tempting, but the defendant sees the notes swell throughout the procedure in order to finally achieve the same cost or one even higher than the usual one. So be careful!

-    For more complicated cases, hourly billing is often practiced. In this case, it is totally impossible to estimate the final cost, as it depends on the party.

If your spouse is in a good frame of mind and wants to settle the divorce quietly, it is all fine. If the lawyer follows this path, there should be no problem for you and you should control the final bill.

However, if your ex has decided to engage in trench warfare or they have opted for an aggressive lawyer, you may be surprised. Divorce litigation can last between 12 and 48 months, according to the people you have in front of you.

In practice, except for the blunders mentioned above, the average costs are:

-    Divorce for alteration of the marital bond- € 2 500,
-    Divorce for acceptance of the principle of breaking- € 3 500,
-    Fault divorce- € 4 000.

Disclaimer

To avoid reaching prohibitive costs, the best solution is still to have direct negotiations with your spouse. The more you talk like responsible adults, the more likely it is that you find amicable solutions, unless you ask your respective lawyers to find them. Indeed, it is the lawyers who usually have this dialogue. Also, you can always opt for a DIY divorce if you decide that there is nothing left to do.

How Grandparents Can Help with Separation and Divorce

After the parents, the grandparents are often the most important adult caregivers within the family. They can give the child security, stability and confidence.  This can  compensate for the backdrop of a changing relationship between their parents and a disintegrating nuclear family.

Knowledge of psychological and legal foundations as well as their own possibilities and limitations help them to avoid any possible errors.  Providing active support for their grandchildren it comes to children coping with the separation.  When parents do not reach an agreement, it  is important for the grandparents to offer children the support they need.

The grandparents’ role in a separation

Very often, grandparents or the parents’ parents get to have great importance when it comes to separation or divorce. They often become familiar, comforting the crisis in the relationship and giving advice. They offer the "safe nest" that one's family cannot offer anymore. Sometimes, parents decide on a temporary separation and return to their own parents. The grandparents’ attitude can have such a major impact on the further course of the separation events.

Comparing the relationship with the partner’s parents often comes to clarify whether the termination of the couple's relationship has the same relationship qualities with the parents prior to demolition. If the relationship was already loaded with this conflict previously, it is not uncommon for a complete break to occur in the relationship.

The importance of grandparents to the child

How important the grandparents are in case of separation depends greatly on the intensity of the relationship growing between the grandparents and the child at the time of their parents’ separation. Generally, the grandparents are the ones who have known the children for the longest period of time and their relationship with the children is also very resistant.

In addition, the grandparents symbolize the child’s origins beyond the parents and, therefore, they are usually the oldest living representatives of the child’s "roots" in this world (unless there are surviving great-grandparents).

When the parents split, the child loses the only thing they know when it comes to family union and the family being together. They feel abandoned by the parent with whom they no longer live, although they may still see them regularly. Also, children often develop fears that the parent they live with may leave them as well.

The separation conflict also changes the situation. Some parents are so confused and polluted by the separation that they can no longer see what their child needs. Single parents often live under more pressure economically and have less time for their children, expecting them to have greater support in their everyday life. The tensions that exist between the parents represent a high emotional stress for the child. A child can quickly reach the limits of their mental capacity if they are faced with major changes in their environments.

Undisturbed contact with the grandparents means stability for the child in a changing world. They understand that their father and mother have separated, but they also understand that it is the familiar family relationships that persist. Their grandparents are not directly concerned with the parents' separation and they can get the child a piece of familiar familial world.

You have the option to take your child to them and try to understand what the child needs from you and from them. There is some emotional "refueling" when it comes to children and their grandparents and they can get the certainty that they're not the ones that are different than before, but that it is their mother and father who have changed.

Grandparents can thus have an essential contribution when it comes to ensuring that the child goes through a crisis period without being hurt. They can offer them the bright side of things and not let them experience the dark side of the separation.

Grandparents need information

Grandparents are often unfamiliar with current psychological trends and the legal framework with regard to separation / divorce and the impact of separation / divorce on the child. Therefore, they are often unsure when it comes to helping their grandchild best.

The most important psychological information for grandparents is:

-    Children need to be in regular contact with both parents even after the separation.

-    A change in the child’s behavior after the visit to the other parent does not automatically lead to the
     conclusion that the other parent has dealt with the child in a responsible way. Children often need time to
     recover from the "Mama's World" to "Papa's World" switch and vice versa.

-    Children can cope with the new situation better if the parents avoid carrying on with their conflicts in front
     of them.

-    The children do not care which parent is to blame for the separation as most separations are caused by
      both parents.

-    Children cannot really understand why their parents get separated, so they need to be explained the
     situation as it makes no sense. More importantly, the child feels understood and accepted in their grief.

-    Parents remain parents and grandparents remain grandparents even if they do not behave exactly like in
     the educational textbook. It therefore makes no sense for parents or grandparents to turn to the "other
     side". There are only a few cases in which children must be protected from individual family members.

-    There is no single treatment regime. Instead, there are a number of possible access arrangements to the
     extent that the child lives with the mother and the father equally. It is important that the parents agree on
     the form of association and that the child is included in the picture.

-    The children whose parents have separated are not necessarily harmed for life. If they and the parents
      seek joint solutions, they have good chances to cope with family crisis situations and to have a
      completely unobtrusive development.

The most important legal information:

-    Unless a parent submits an application for transfer of sole parental authority, parents keep their joint
      custody even after a divorce as this is the law.

-    Even with joint parental authority, the parents must take care of the everyday matters and they should not
     make decisions on their own. Also, the child should be informed on those decisions.

-    The child has to stay with both their parents, but there is no specific treatment regime prescribed by the 
      law. The parents must agree.

-    Grandparents have the right to get in contact with the child as long as it serves the best interests of the
     child.

In addition, the legislative authority gives great importance to advice and mediation. The scheme developed by the parents is usually more valuable than a judicial decision. Counseling and mediation are public bodies and then, there is the advice offered by freelance professionals.

By the way, even grandparents can autonomously get involved in child guidance if they worry about the welfare of their grandchild!

What can grandparents do and what they cannot do

Grandparents can offer their grandchildren the stability that their father and mother cannot offer them because of the separation or they may have limited functions. They can make time for their grandchild, they can try to understand their feelings and offer them a piece of the previous family life.

Since the grandparents are not directly involved in the conflict of the parents, they are recommended to be the ones who reassure the grandchild that everything will be in order and that both parents will love them just as much. Given the fact that they have a certain emotional distance, the grandparents are the ones who can give the best to the grandchildren when they consider they have run out of options or comfort. In fact, they are the only ones who can build a sort of bridge between the children and their parents.
In some highly conflicting cases of separation, it has been shown that it is quite reasonable that the grandchildren represent this bridge between the children and their parents. This is only possible if the grandparents are accepted by both parents as a "transfer authority".

Grandparents can point out the possibilities of technical advice and, last but not least, they may help them when it comes to taking care of the children. Mothers and fathers take time for themselves in order to process the emotional injuries associated with the separation since it is also good to just go out alone at night and to know that the child is in safe hands...

On the other hand, the child's grandparents cannot stop them from expressing their regret for the family having fallen apart. The thing is that they should understand that not everything is bright and shiny in life. Grandparents do not do their grandchildren a favor if they think they have to compensate for their problems. Pampering and pitiable parenting is based on the child living in a world of illusions and makes their parents’ task much more difficult. Grandparents should even be careful with the expensive or frequent gifts to the children as this often increases the tension between the parents!

Benevolent age-appropriate demands on the part of grandparents help the child to stay in touch with reality and not to flee in an intact world of illusions. Very often, the children are not relieved when they talk about it with their grandparents. They do not feel comfortable with talking about their parents being separated or about how they are supposed to handle their separation from then on.

Grandparents can help their grandchildren become much more relieved as far as their situation is concerned. They can assume care and education functions, but they should never be asked too many questions. It is still the parents who are primarily responsible for the grandchildren, not the grandparents!

When the grandparents have to take responsibility for their grandchildren, they sit down to and explain the fact that this is not their role as grandparents. Second of all, this also leads to the parents’ image being affected in the eyes of the children.

Some grandparents also give their grandchildren tests to do when there is conflict between the parents. However, a professional consultation or mediation is more appropriate in this situation.

It depends on the parents

Whether grandparents can have a supporting role or not is mainly the parents' decision. They are the ones that can allow the grandparents to influence the children and to talk to them, guiding them through the entire separation process. They also have the right to declare themselves against the idea of their children being counseled by the grandparents.

The father and the mother should, therefore, talk about how they feel about the fact that their children are allies with their grandparents. If there are concerns (e.g. because of the danger of unilateral influence or excessive indulgence of the child), they should indeed be taken very seriously. Ideally, the parent should then address these concerns to the in-laws directly. Alternatively, the concerns will be conveyed to the parents-in-law via the partner. The grandparents act in the spirit of their grandchildren and if they do not object to the parent’s partner to get in touch with the children, they can get to spend more time with them than if they did not approve of it.

Open and honest communication and the struggle for fair and child-oriented solutions found by the parents and the grandparents can make the children be much more relieved. The father and the mother succeeding in reaching an agreement and not ending up in a destructive relationship is a good prerequisite for ensuring that the child will have unencumbered access to both sets of grandparents.

If a third of grandparents is added...

Another pair of grandparents is usually added with a new partnership. In accordance with the status of stepfather or stepmother, we could then speak of step grandparents, too.

The addition of another pair of grandparents may be a gain for the children provided, however, that the grandparents are not in competition with each other. Neither should the "new" grandparents try to be the better grandparents or even replace the "old" grandparents, nor should the biological grandparents try to rule out the "new" ones. The common factors are the grandchildren and everyone should remember that they only have a set of roots in this situation.

How Do You Overcome a Separation the Best Way Possible?

You have been abandoned. Your world is collapsing. You have only one goal: how to get back with your ex and what you can do now and what you should do now.

The meltdown: you were abandoned and you no longer know. You do everything you can to convince the partner: you buy them gifts, you make vows of love and you say prayers and beg them. Stop!

The ex will only feel more pressure and nothing else but pity. They will also see you less attractive and confident, which are two of the prerequisites to be interesting for someone of the opposite sex.

Gain knowledge of the situation and accept it

Your ex-partner fell in love with you and learned to love you because you were the person you were before. You might work on different strategies which should bring your partner back, but you cannot be sure of them.

However: There is no guarantee for love! Everyone is different, so you cannot use something like this as a strategy.

You may ask insistently what these aids are.

One's life now takes precedence. Take time before you speak. Shout out loud what you feel. Write a hate letter, but do not send it and do not do one thing: hurt yourself or others!

If you cannot tell what state you are in and what you should do, you should go see a psychologist or if this does not help, go see a priest.

Keep your nerve. Take the time to process everything you do and everything you should say.

Some points on your behavior checklist:

-    Do not follow your ex-partner and break the first contact completely
-    If you definitely know that your ex-partner expects responses from you, don’t do it
-    Keep your dignity and control yourself
-    Do not listen to the advice you get from your family and friends without questioning it
-    Do not stalk the other and control your nerves because it is all for your good
-    Do not temp your partner, but convince them
-    Do not rely on chance or fate
-    Do not respond to offers of friendship!
-    Do not act without having concrete ideas
-    Show sympathy or even understanding
-    Do not make any declarations of love or gifts and store all the good memories
-    Do not recur to revenge, blackmail or suicide attempts!
-    Do not follow the old patterns of the older relationship and have realistic views about the overall situation
-    Do not call their parents or relatives under any circumstances
-    Try to learn from it and grow more mature

Behavior in special cases:

Having sex with the ex

-    Abandoned woman: no hope. You could be exploited. If talking does not help, break the relationship.
-    Abandoned man: If there is hope, it is necessary that you talk to your ex about it!

Children at play

The child and their future have absolute priority! Agree to go to a professional such as a marriage counselor or psychologist, in order for the separation not to cause any problems to the child as it is difficult enough already.

Common existence

You should be friends and live together if possible.  Then, make clear conduct, even if it is difficult to do so. Take the holidays and even share the apartment if necessary.

May it go on?

You have to let go and take all this time to find yourself again. All these measures are now meant to serve a single purpose: a neutral level must be restored between two parties that broke up. You need to find the causes of the breakup and work hard to make them disappear. In other words, you have to put your relationship first if you want to make things work.

When can a relationship be saved?

-    If the ex was desperately insecure and sad even before you broke up or suggested a breakup
-    If there is a minimum feeling left  Remember, doubts also count!
-    If you are 1000% convinced that you can bring something new
-    If there is separation by external factors such as stress and loss
-    If the ex clearly conveys the message that they want to try again
-    If they are definitely into saving the relationship
-    If a separation was negotiated at the time

Things might work if….

-    You have once again found yourself
-    They analyzed the relationship honestly: what was good, what was bad. If you still see an opportunity to
      go on and be together
-    You really feel something for them
-    You are ready to be open with your partner further on
-    You can forgive your partner for the harm they have done

It has absolutely no meaning if...

-    There is violence, abuse and other destructive acts
-    They are so hurt that hatred prevails
-    One of them already has a new partner and is newly in love. If things are like this, you can be as insistent
      as you want in most cases, no matter how attractive and nice you are.
-    The ex-partner has already ended the relationship with you

But the reality is always a bit different. Do not cling too much to these hypotheses. They are intended only as a guide!

There is always a way!

There is always a way, no matter the outcome. Changes are now absolutely necessary. Take something off!
You need to have really new perspectives in your life. New hobbies, a new profession, new philosophies, new religions and so on can really make a difference. You should go for anything that helps you to start a new life!

At some point, you become so strong that you really think about the relationship in a constructive way. If it works for you, things may look very different. Do not let yourself hanging and do something! You want and need to change something in your life. Only if you have worked after the separation itself and grown stronger can you think of a reboot even if the option was not previously denied.  Lawyers recommend this, but you need to open up at a totally different level and see how the new relationship develops because things work at a totally different level. And always remember that you must find your own way!

How Do You Get Separated from Your Partner?

No relationship can be solved easily. Both partners have to take care of a lot of tasks when involved in a relationship.

Parents want their children's sake to diverge without violent quarrels in most cases. They cherish the hope to keep talking, often in spite of years of disputes and lack of love for each other. This is hard. They are in the middle of an emotional chaos, caught between guilt and desire for revenge, between fears and new hopes.  It is difficult to make sober and rational decisions, which determine their lives and those of their children.

How to deal with the emotions

Unfortunately, being sober and rational is rarely achieved. Still, it is necessary to discipline yourselves if you do not want to leave a mess behind you. Not only avoid rushing into making decisions, but also keep disputes and power struggles cool. Writing to experts and establishing interviews with them can well clarify your position. Cling to the habit of thinking, making demands and reaching agreements on a sticky note and structure.

The sober handling of the highly emotional issue caused by a separation is a good base, as well as not getting carried away in other small wars with the former partner, thus wasting power. If you have decided on a separation, it is no longer worthwhile to hold on to the old conflicts and you should look for divorce advice for men and women right away. You now need your strength to look ahead.

Writing down the interview results can also help you to extricate yourself from the emotional entanglements. You can prevent the debilitating and less fruitful "but I told you" talks.

If it is difficult for the two of you to get along without fighting, the other partner should definitely join you in writing down things. Keep each agreement or refusal of agreement noted. Do not use emotional arguments or phone calls, arguing that it is purely factual. This prevents you from resorting to war zones under the slogan "You always do that and that". When you can quickly put the other under pressure, you will save the written communication from some emotional blackmail. This is especially true when children are involved and maintenance needs to be negotiated.

The sheet of paper before you can help you to step back and formulate concretely. It may also help you to maintain a minimum level of objectivity. If you have happiness and mutual respect, written agreements can still be of great help.

Why not enjoy some legal advice?

Your notes and your correspondence are a good basis for talking with your lawyer/attorney of your cases and to prove the disputes. There are good reasons to not give up, even if you are convinced of the possibility to complete an amicable separation. An attorney/a lawyer can only represent one party, the other then having to go to a lawyer, too. The cost of the argument does not count if it then turns out that the attorney/ lawyer trusts your concerns and he is an individual who is committed to your case. At least, he allows you to get your rights and entitlements cleared up. Only when you know exactly what you deserve, can you negotiate in good conditions.

If both partners are separated or married, a year must have passed from the separation. Such a separation year can be met in the same house/apartment, despite the load, but it is much better if the other keeps it in mind. If only one partner wants to separate, the marriage is disorganized only after a three-year separation.

Consult a lawyer in time. Do not put your ex-partner on the spot. Remember to always be one step further because this is how you remain in control. Find out what can be controlled to keep the costs in check. Everything that you check with your former partner in advance and they agree on saves you time and money.

If a partner has little income or does not earn any money, the district court or counseling centers can provide them legal divorce advice and legal aid information for free. Let us figure out exactly what charges they face. Arrange, if possible, installment payments.

Mediation is a new way

Looking for a mediator is still a relatively unknown way of separating, i.e. a third party trained in mediation. Mediation is teaching. The mediator ensures that you and your ex-partner talk to each other again, deals with you, sees where you can meet and looks for appropriate solutions.

The discussions with third party can mean a great relief and, above all, if you want to discuss the welfare of your children. In this case, it is advisable to consult a mediator with a mediator psychosocial background.

It may be the mediator who finds a possible peaceful way of separation. A mediation in an advantageous way of resolving contentious issues and it is way less expensive than the confrontation of two attorneys.

Schemes for the welfare of children

Your separation is a matter between you and your partner, but the children must endure and decide to live and learn from your new situation. This is not easy. Nevertheless, a separation can be good for your children. The University of Munich conducted a study on 750 affected children at a congress of the European Association for Youth Research in Jena. Their parents’ divorce was less stressful for these children than during the period of parental conflict.

It needs to be clarified who stays in the joint home and who moves out. It is often most bearable for children to stay in their familiar surroundings and not to move out with one of the parents. This is a tough process, but this is also a consistent change in the environment and thus an obvious beginning, which is probably the better solution. Get advice.

If you and your partner can still do something, sit down at the table together and make a list of all the household goods. Decide who gets what. Or you can make such a list for yourself alone so that you can keep what you want. Your partner can then put their comments in writing and put the list on hold. Do not miss out carelessly in order to go to litigation. You can put a strain financially on any subsequent new purchase, but you should make the distribution without any power struggle.

Since the reform of child custody in 1998, the subject of separating subject is a common concern. In principle, both parents have joint custody, while unmarried parents only if have it if they have a corresponding custody declaration issued. Joint custody means that decisions must be made by consensus and the calls are of fundamental importance. It is normal for matters of the children’s daily life to be decided by the parent alone. There is also the option of sole custody that can be applied, if it is beneficial for the welfare of children. Your lawyer or your attorney can advise you.

Regardless of the decision on joint or sole custody, the rights of access are still there. This means that the child has a right to maintain contact with both parents, who are obliged to handle this situation and this is justified. This also applies to grandparents and siblings and it can even apply to step-parents. It is recommended that the visiting arrangements are reached in writing, taking into considerations the circumstances and the children’s age. The Youth Office is committed to consult on any issues of parental responsibility and to the development of custody, making a plan to help you.

Do not be fooled. If it is not you and your partner do not manage to deal with each other fairly and objectively during the relationship and during the separation, then you may find it difficult to get joint custody over the children. This is in the benefit of the children affected by separation in view of their right to see both parents. First experiences show that joint custody often appears on paper, but the care and concern remain, especially for the person living with the children, which is the mother in most cases.

Fight for your financial security

As attending parent, you invest a lot of energy in the negotiation and in the maintenance of children and in their lives. You cannot put pressure on them. Alimony is not a concession, but you should divide the resulting financial handicaps to overcome the financial constraints. You meet your share of child support by raising them and supporting them. The parent with whom the child is not living has to cover the child support in money. The amount of child maintenance is established by specialized authorities.

Do not use the maintenance that is due to your children for you, no matter of the circumstances. Studies and investigations have showed in recent years that financial worries make it difficult to find a certain internal and external composure.

On the other hand, the financial situation is a burden for children much greater than expected. Even if you believe that you do not care about the money as long as you have your peace at last, it is good to be financially secure. You can show your generosity when you have found your dream job for some time and childcare is well-organized and when money really is not an issue for you.

If you get no maintenance, you can apply on maintenance payments at the Youth Office.

Collect knowledge

Take advantage of the opportunity that lies in every crisis and overcome the barriers. If you have always had problems with taxes, you should now get informed on what taxes you get from a separation. If you are employed and married, there is a tax bracket and, thus, you can pay from your change.

Go to the welfare office if you suspect or know that you are financially tight. The sooner you acknowledge that, the faster you will be sovereign.

Arrange an appointment in a legal office of the pension insurance agency and ask what kind of protection you have. The German Pension Fund (DRV) service has set up a free line (0800/1000 480 70), which can give you the name of the nearest information and advisory service.

Get an overview of your joint financial situation as soon as possible, even if you have not cared about it before. You can get information about health insurance, household contents and personal liability insurance from consumer professionals. Those who do not make it should go and see a therapist. Remember these ideas and give marriage, family and life counseling a shot. This is where you will have peace and a safe space to take stock of your life and to get a new way of thinking.

You are now a single parent

You are a single parent if the children live with you after the separation. Whether you have joint custody or sole custody, the brunt of their new life is yours. About 2 million people in Germany, especially women, are in the same situation as you.

The association of single mothers and fathers (VAMV) has centers in many cities, providing more consultation and open meetings about childcare. Some get unique pieces of advice here, while others use the open offer to exchange ideas.

Other advisory bodies and the churches have also recognized the need to make special offers for single parents. You just need a "social map" of your town or parish and telephone numbers for you to call the corresponding points.

There are now a number of advisers in bookstores and single parents making suggestions concerning the organization of everyday life and reconciling work and child rearing. Also, you can get information on legal rights to educate them.

If you are working or you want or need to work again, but also if you need a new space, you need to know the childcare rules. It is important that you report looking for work with the Employment Agency as soon as possible. The consultants will inform you about projects for professional returnees if your work is a few years back. However, you will also be asked where your children are to be accommodated during your working hours.

Since 1996, a three-year-old right can be sent to a kindergarten and it is likely that the children in the age group of 3 to 6 give you fewer problems. However, when you need a service that goes beyond lunch, it is also difficult to put the child in kindergarten. The situation here refers to small children and small children who go to school, so the initiatives you have are very important. You can also ask for suggestions from the town or city council.

The security of you and your children that results from reliable childcare justifies the high costs in finding a good solution. The self-confidence and independence that you can draw from earning your own money can justify the high costs, as well. What men have discovered for themselves long ago, also applies to women. A study on the well-being of women in different family forms shows a stable income to be positive for their well-being. Mothers who are able to finance themselves and their children succeed in concentrating faster and more consistently on their new definition of family even after separation.

How Do You Cope with Your Feelings After the Separation?

"I'm leaving you."  There are few words that are less comprehensible for us than these three. If they are expressed by our partners, regardless of whether gently out of a rage or in a text message or a note they left, the result is to fall into a separation crisis. Then begins a long way for us to address this crisis.  We have to face emotional difficulties, which only leads to mourning about the existing partnership.  People should look for divorce help.

The phases of separation

All humans go through different phases after the shock of the separation. Even the partners we break up with experience these phases, but they have a head start. They usually start transforming the love into friendship during the period of the partnership.

For those of us who have been abandoned, the time for separation has not yet arrived, so we are not emotionally prepared for it.

The phases we go through to the end of a partnership are similar to the phases experienced when losing a person forever. The different phases are characterized by disturbances in four areas: thoughts, feelings, behavior and physical reactions. There are four different phases.

Phase I: The Do-Do non-probability: shock and denial

The first phase is characterized by denial and ignoring the final separation. Feelings of shock and numbness are often there. We behave like robots or think that everything is like a bad dream from which we need to wake up after a while and see that everything is fine again. In this phase, we also beg for a second chance for the partnership.

Phase II: Disruption feelings

This phase is characterized by disorientation and mood swings. Feelings of despair, anger, fear and self doubt alternate. We also come to physical symptoms such as sleep, memory, concentration and appetite disorders, as well as anxiety.

Phase III: Redirection

The third phase involves that we take our life in our hands actively and see a future perspective. Brooding thoughts of the terminated partnership, hatred and desire occur only rarely.

Phase IV: A new concept of life

Once again, we have achieved an inner balance. We have developed a new concept of life and new self-confidence and we are more aware of our needs and preferences, perhaps more so than during the partnership. We can choose freely to live as a single parent or opt for a new partnership.

Even if the individual phases are not very clearly separated from each other, as they do not always run in that straight order and one still has relapses in an earlier phase.  It is important that we know the following: we are not so much confused by our emotional and physical reactions but we see that there is life "after" this life and hope that our situation improves again.

Depending on our personality, age, life concept, the extent of the changes and the divorce advice for women or men we need, we usually set to a period of two to four years until we reach a new concept of life and a new internal equilibrium. One thing is sure and that it that the better we handle our separation and come to terms with the new situation, leaving the past behind, the better it is for us spiritually and physically and the better we can communicate with our former partner and find solutions for the separation. Also, the more aware we are of their problems, the better we can help our kids deal with the separation and continue to play our role as parents.

What can you do for yourself in order to find your inner balance?

Accept your feelings for the moment

Please do not ask of them at "work" as if nothing had happened. It is absolutely normal that you are out of balance right now. You need to feel angry because you think that your partner cannot leave you as you have given them so much and that it would be unfair as they promised to love you until the end of life. Also, they should not let the kids down and so on.

Therefore, they must be given a second chance. You have to doubt your thoughts. You should not think that your partner no longer loves you, that you are unlovable or that you cannot keep a partner. You must be sad, lonely and desperate at the thought that you will never be happy again and that you cannot live without your partner. You have to feel guilt at the thought that you should have done more for your partner and you should have been more loving, compassionate and so on. Your body has to react with eating disorders, sleep disorders, headaches, restlessness, poor concentration and memory disorders and so on because it does this to signal that you are in serious danger and your whole concept of life is threatened.

Your feelings and body reactions are completely appropriate to the moment. They are the result of your expectations, desires and experiences from the past. They are the result of how you assess the situation at that moment. Do not worry. You are now in control of your emotions, even though you may not realize it. Therefore, you can also change your settings for the future and enjoy life even if your partner is never coming back again. But for now, you have to accept that you are wounded and helpless.

Express your feelings

Your feelings are painful and it is good for you express to them. You cannot ban them by
force of will. If you express them, you will not lose control over them. You will also cease to cry again. Try to share your feelings by writing in a diary; talk with friends or parents; at support groups; and even with a psychotherapist or a counselor. Allow you to cry and feel regrettable. All roads are fine as long as you do not compromise yourself.

Listen to music that makes you feel touched and moved. Write poems or express your feelings in a self-painted picture. Visit the church or go in the middle of nature. Please do not go for alcohol or sedatives. These only help you by stunning you for a while, but the feelings come back when the effect have worn off. You are also at risk of falling into addiction, if you make this a habit to numb your feelings.

Accept your behavior at this moment

It may be that you do not recognize yourself at this moment. Perhaps, you have been used to making small mistakes, to being understanding and allowing you to eat in moderation, to being reliable, to paying attention to your appearance and so on and now you behave exactly the opposite. Do not condemn it, but accept that you are not perfect. You are not a robot, so you respond to the current situation. Tell the boss or colleagues that you are in a separation phase. Surrender to curb "mitigating" circumstances and your expectations.

You live only for a day

If you feel completely powerless, perhaps even think about committing suicide, then choose to live only for a day every day. This is manageable and your strength is sufficient for this purpose.

Treat yourself lovingly

Although you still find the situation difficult, try to treat yourself reasonably and to ensure a healthy diet. Your body needs this right now as it is in such a stressful situation. Drink at least 2 liters of liquid (water, herbal or fruit tea) per day. Eat plenty of fruits, vegetables, whole grains and dairy products. Give up smoking. Try to incorporate physical activity into your everyday life. This helps to reduce both the tension and anger and to overcome your depression.

Drag balance

The following questions will help you to understand the separation. A separation often involves both partners. It is best to write down your answers:

-    What did you achieve in your partnership in the recent past?
-    Did you have trust in each other?
-    Were you ready to accept your partner as they are?
-    Did you feel accepted by your partner?
-    Did you have common interests, hobbies and attitudes?
-    Could you talk about conflicts and different opinions?
-    Could you develop personally?
-    Did you have mutual friends?
-    Did you agree to compromise on different occasions?
-    Could you rely on the partner?
-    Did you allow each other to be alone?
-    If you were annoyed by the other, did you talk about it, did you hide the anger and did you try
     to hurt each other?
-   Did you feel that you were in a partnership all the time?

Change your perspective

When confronted with thoughts like "My partner cannot ... That's mean", catch them and replace them with "I am ready to accept that my partner left me and I'm willing to accept that my partner has to take action". At first, you will deny everything and you will feel as if you were lying to yourself, but with more repetition and more practice, you will even feel internal approval.

The goal is not to reach the conclusion that you conduct your partner well. It is simply a matter of accepting reality. You cannot undo the past. Even if it hurts you, your partner has the right to behave according to their wishes and needs. Therefore, you are not their victim. You can learn to let go of your expectations of them. Distract your attention by thinking of your future, instead of arguing with the past. Think of what you should with your life, of what new perspectives you can find and of what you can do for yourself.

Whenever you make accusations that they have made something go wrong in the partnership, give it a second thought. Think that you are willing to forgive what they have done and think that they did what seemed right to them and what they could.

Whenever you think that you could never experience more love and happiness in your life and that you will never find a partner, replace those thoughts with this helpful attitude: "I am lovable, just as I am and the fact that my partner left me has nothing to do with the fact that I am unlovable. They separated because of their expectations and because we no longer fit together".

Think about the opportunities that a separation may bring for you. What have you given up on or what have you postponed for your partner's sake? Which friends have you always wanted to resume contact with?

Whenever you become aware of such thoughts that make you afraid, such as: "I cannot manage alone, it would be terrible if... I cannot bear with this”, break them and replace them with courage-making ideas. Remember that you have already done everything. Get in contact with people who have also been through a breakup and find that you can be a positive model. Ask for information with an information center because an expert can help you and indicate you where and how to acquire the necessary knowledge or skills. What others have managed to overcome, you can overcome, too!

Give yourself time

Adjusting to the new situation as a single parent or person living alone takes time. You must all learn many new roles that you are not prepared for as you did not expect a separation. You must cope with many losses and find your balance:

-    the loss of the partner,
-    the loss of joint plans for the future,
-    the loss of playing wife or husband,
-    the loss of a lover,
-    the loss of the status of couple,
-    possibly the loss of children,
-    the loss of a house/apartment,
-    the financial loss and
-    the loss of friends.

First of all, you know what's missing. You now have to put energy in it and develop a targeted counter-model. What should take its place? How do you look without your partner? Where can you get your satisfaction from instead? But you already have all the skills to develop a new way of life, so you only need strength and you will be successful.

Heartache on Valentine's Day

How do you survive as a newly appointed single

Overcoming a separation on days like Valentine's Day is particularly difficult. However, you can do something against the heartache and not only on 14th February.

Everything seems so pink all around you. Your friends want to make some great surprises.  They have to show up for their loved ones this year.

Then, there is the good old candlelit dinner or at least a balloon ride. Meanwhile, your single friends send anonymous greeting cards and let others guess who sent them.

What about you? You are characterized as anti-cyclical. You howl a tissue for another sense because Valentine's Day is the day of love and your heart aches. What is there to do?

The pitfalls of single life

Singles know that the calendar has its days which make people’s lives difficult. These are mostly Christmas and New Year, and birthdays, perhaps also the wedding day. But that is not all. In recent years, the marketing industry has another curious snare for Valentine's Day. A red heart and the music everywhere remind you that something crucial is missing from your life.

Even worse, these pitfalls are even more hurtful if you have just separated. It will be merciless for you to stay and realize that there is no one you can be happy with on Valentine’s Day. It does not matter that you single this time of the year. Just buy something so that you can feel the spirit, as someone will definitely be next to you next year.

What can you do for Valentine's Day to be better? And what should be better?

What you can do about the heartache:

-    Have a farewell ritual! What day would be better for this than the day of love? Light up the candles, set
      the common favorite music, dig for travel photos, love letters and set up the tissues. Take a look at
      everything again carefully and then pack it all in a box and store the relics in the basement or the attic.

-    You are free to want to do whatever you want without having to take anyone into consideration.
      Therefore, you do all the things your ex-partner did not like on this (Valentine's) day. You can listen to
      Nat King Cole or Celine Dion, you can finally cook rice pudding again, these being things you often
      could not do because your partner did not like them. Pull on your big comfortable sweater and then
      spend the evening in front of the TV, watching “Desperate Housewives” or a Hollywood tearjerker.

-    Write your partner a letter. Write down all there is in your soul, what a lonely Valentine's Day you have,
      what you love to remember, what you liked about them more and so on. The most important thing is to
      never send this letter! It may take months for you to read it, but, whatever you do, do not send it.

-    Now that you have saved lots of money for the Valentine's gift, you should at least even treat yourself
     with something beautiful such as a professional massage, a leisurely haircut, a new DVD...

-    Pamper yourself! Buy yourself a Valentine's bouquet and tell the florist that it should have a red heart.
     Treat yourself with a visit to the deli or a fragrant bubble bath. Nothing is good enough for you now!

-    Steer away! You should arrange to meet someone although you might not feel like going out. An evening
     with friends may not bring fun necessarily, but tears, but you can disconnect from the rest of your thought
     for some while.

What you should do better as singles

-    Wait for a ringing of the phone, for an e-mail or SMS, for the postman, for the delivery man or anyone
      else who could bring a little surprise.
-    You can call your ex-partner and ask them how they are doing or beg them to come back to you.
-    Drink too much alcohol or arrange a chocolate orgy
-    Sink in guilt
-    Try to clarify the "why" question
-    Rash: call their family, your home or plan to emigrate to terminate

Heartache is the worst pain

Although the issue is dealt with very shortly here, we should not forget the fact that heartache is an existential pain that cannot be eliminated with a few simple "to do's."

Whether it is Valentine's Day or at any other time of the year, the old rule still stands true: time reduces the pain. Nevertheless, you should not just wait around, but actively do something for yourself, take good care of you and do not be afraid to seek professional help.

Getting Separated from the Partner and Explaining It to the Children

Why interviews are so important to the child

Talking to your child is one of the most important pieces of help that the couple can give them in addressing all the changes that are associated with a separation of the parents.

This counteracts a feeling that many children of divorced parents have difficulty dealing with: the feeling of being pushed to the brink of not being taken seriously and of being helpless in front of all developments. Talk about the contents, but a conversation also means telling them that you are here for them and that they are important to you.

This applies to children of all ages. Parents of younger children sometimes believe that they need no explanation because they still cannot understand the complicated issues.

Investigations have shown that young children who were not explained the events were particularly irritated and anxious.

When should you talk to your children about the separation?

Older children often suspect that a separation will come before they are officially notified, as the family climate has changed noticeably and more and more disputes are on the agenda. But the reverse is common.

Separation/divorce only seems logical from the adults’ point of view because there are so many conflicts. However, that is perhaps inconceivable for your child because they know their family and a separation of their parents is not even shaped in their (young) world. In any case, children need to talk to both parents.

The time then comes when the final decision is made and you have an idea of what changes
take place in the near future and what the rules initially intended are (residences, care of the children, visits, phone calls and so on). The more concrete the information about the daily life that you can give your children, the better they can adapt to it.

Before you talk to your children about your decision to end your marriage, talk to your partner and agree on what you will say and how will you say it.

How should you tell them?

If possible, do it together. The advantages are that your children know that both of you made this decision, that it is a decision that is also very serious and you send the message that you are worried both about the welfare of children and that you will take care of them. The words you choose depend of course on the child’s age and on the situation.

If the children are still young, you should initially limit yourself to the most important things. Depending on their age, children can cope with many different pieces of information.However, there should not be an argument break out between the parents by any means on this occasion and there can be no recriminations.

What should you tell the children?

It does not matter whether you explain all the relationships to the child as the kids do not need to know every detail. First and foremost, your speech should be about what is important for the child. Many children are worried about how their life will be like in the future, so they have some practical questions. You must also know how they will be meeting their parents, who they will stay with and if they have a bed and something to eat.

Your child may be relieved if you do not just talk about what will change, but also mention some things that you know they are important for them and that will not change (e.g. the afternoon at the grandparents, the regular pool visit with the parent who moves out and so on).

If all the pertinent information that children need is provided, the message should be that although you cannot live together as a couple, neither the father nor the mother shall be separated from their child and they remain their parents, even if the family no longer live under the same roof.

Be honest. Your words must have the appropriate effect. Make sure that you do not make false promises. They may now be small lies or false promises meant to make it easier for them, but they could have long-term consequence, so the child will be confused and will no longer trust you or be strong. Maybe you have do not have answers for all the questions, but you should give your child answers if you know them and if they ask the appropriate questions.

Make it clear, in any case, that the responsibility to find solutions is yours, the adult’s, and that the child is not guilty and they do not have any responsibility.

How do children react to the news?

How children respond to the message also depends on their age and temperament. You must expect to be confronted with your child’s concentrated fury or to be very difficult for them to cope with their grief and despair. As hard as this may also be at the moment, the child may be expressing their feelings. In the long run, they may surprise you with their attitude, although they can only have age-appropriate reactions right now.

Remember that it is also difficult for children to talk about issues associated with such strong feelings. It may be that your child is all set on defense in their heart and still cannot deal with the new situation or they may fear being overwhelmed by the bad feelings when they talk about their parents’ separation. Finally, there is also a question of temperament. Some children open up their hearts, while others are more cautious, especially when it comes to expressing feelings.

Hold on to your offer to discuss with them or to start the conversation again when calmness has occurred even if your child reacts rather violently or with retreat.

The dialogue should continue

You will find that the unique fundamental explanatory meeting is not sufficient. Children must always be ensured that they have noticed and understood everything correctly. This means that you need to discuss the same thing several times and probably explain it to them several times. Think about how deep and difficult things are, even for adults.

They may not always be lengthy and profound conversations. Some short phrases to meet the child’s current needs should be enough, so that they can focus on their game or their other activities once again. Even these brief dialogues give the child a sense of relaxation that will allow them to express their questions and fears at any time.

You do not just talk to your child, but also to listen to them. Children must be able to take a stand. You must be able to say how they are doing, what they like and what they do not see right. Children often have good suggestions and ideas, made in relation to their own person and situation, so they do not do things as easily as adults.

In most cases, it is worthwhile to examine whether one can implement their ideas or not. Sometimes, it's just little things that children want to be different, but they make up for the difference between "okay" and "I will not do that". Children often feel that they cannot control what is happening to them, but they must also have some control over the developments affecting them.

If you are open to discussions, you will also understand your child’s questions and fears. “Is it my fault?”, ”Will you leave me, too?”, ” Do you love me?” are some of the question they have. If you know what your child fears, you can think about how you can counteract their fears, thus creating new security.

If you have several children, whose age is a little further apart, you will find that the children deal with the issue quite differently. They ask other questions, express concerns and other needs, express their grief and their anger differently. That depends, for example, on how much their skills to understand relationships between other people and between themselves and other people have developed or to what extent they are able to assess the consequences that may arise from certain events.

The same thing stands if a child gets older and the development progress now enables them to see things differently. Then again, you should now talk about the "old stories" again, but other aspects are important, too. These are issues that have never been discussed in the past and that become important at a certain point in time. This way, your child gets a more mature understanding of the divorce.

One more important note

The father, the mother (the adults) and the children are at stake when these conversations take place. It's not the wife, the husband or the ex-partner. Be careful with the words you choose and do not finish the other in your conversation with the child.

Your discussions with the children should not involve your pair conflicts. If this parent-child conversations are aggressive, there is a risk that you child becomes a substitute for the other adult party. Pour out your heart to the child, but do not make them your comforter. A child who plays the role of ally of the father or the mother feels that they must suppress their own grief and that the adults will increase it even more.

Fundamental Rights of Children of Divorced Parents

Some treat this topic as an interested and affected person, who may or may not be a pawn, when it comes to possession or movable possessions of one or both parents. Here are some considerations on this topic and some of the rights children have when faced with a divorce in the family:

1. The right to grow up in the home, which offers the
    child the best opportunity to be a mature and
    responsible citizen.

2. The right to daily love, care, education and protection by the custodial parent.

3. The right to know the noncustodial parent and to enjoy regular visits as well as their love and guidance.

4. The right to a positive and constructive relationship with both parents, who should not talk bad of one
    another when the child is present and who should not try to turn the child against the other parent.

5. The right to moral and ethical values that are to be encouraged by example and education practices. Also,
    some limits should be established, so that the child develops their self-discipline and self control early in
    life.

6. The right to the best possible economic conditions that can be created by the active efforts of both
    parents.

7. The right to educational opportunities equal to those that the child would have had if their family had not
    been broken.

8. The right to a periodic review of custody and living arrangements if it appears to be necessary for the
    welfare of the child.

9. The right to recognition that are affected by a divorce, as children are always disadvantaged parties and
    the law should take its well-affirmative steps, which must also include an investigation to determine their
    interests and the appointment of an adviser to protect them.

Financial Advice Related to Divorce

Financial implications of the liquidation of the matrimony

Divorce entails the liquidation of the matrimonial regime. What are the consequences of liquidation on most financial products  that may be the spouse’s heritage? These can include: PEP, PEA, PEL, and life insurance. How do the spouses have return their taxes? What are the consequences of divorce on retirement?

A) The liquidation of the matrimonial property

Some rules specific to divorce may be valid for both DIY divorce and with the regular one.

As for death, divorce entails the liquidation and division of the community. The liquidation will follow the rules of the matrimonial regime initially chosen by the spouses. Thus, the personal property considered by the matrimonial regime attributable to each of the spouses and undivided or joint property is divided between them.

However, the law stipulates that donations can be revoked in respect of the guilty spouse when the divorce is granted for misconduct or in respect of those who filed for divorce in divorce cases because of a breach in their common life.

The same applies to matrimonial benefits: clauses in marriage contracts often specify that the marital advantage is removed to the recipient spouse upon divorce. Some include these aspects with the divorce cost, while others think of them separately.

B) Divorce and Financial Implications

1.    The popular savings plan (PEP)

This investment is for long-term savings and it may take the form of a deposit account (PEP bank) or a contract of insurance (PIP insurance).

There can only be one PEP per taxpayer and one for each spouse subject to joint taxation. Furthermore, the initiation of PEP as a joint account is not possible. PEP can be closed at any time (especially in case of withdrawal earlier than 10 years) or following the death of the owner of the plan... but the divorce does not cause the closure of the plan.

2.    The stock savings plan (PEA)

The PEA allows you to build a portfolio of shares qualifying for tax exemption on capital gains. A single plan can be opened by the taxpayer or one for each spouse subject to joint taxation. As for PIP, opening a joint account is impossible.

The plan may be closed in case of withdrawal before the age of 8 or when the holder dies ... but the Divorce is not part of the causes of a mandatory closure plan.

3.    The savings scheme (PEL) and savings accounts (CEL)

These two investments allow an investor to obtain loans at favorable rates in certain situations. A person can hold one and only one CEL ELP.

Again, divorce is not a question of closing the plan or the account.

4.    The life insurance contract

Life insurance is an investment intended for long-term savings. It enjoys a privileged tax regime. The consequences of taking out a life insurance contract during the marriage are more complex than for the previous products.

Take the case of a life insurance contract with joint funds, signed during the marriage. In case of divorce, the agreement is not unraveled, the surrender value of the life insurance policy must be integrated into community assets. Indeed, the community has been "impoverished" by paying the premiums of the insurance contract.

By cons, if the sums paid by the purchaser on the contract were personal to them (if they can prove that it is not the community that has paid premiums), then there will be no need to reinstate the value of redemption in community assets.

Writing the beneficiary clause of a life insurance contract:

A divorce can affect the designation of the beneficiary of a contract. If the beneficiary clause of the life insurance contract refers to "spouse", only the person having this status at the end of the contract will be a beneficiary. Thus, the ex-spouse is no longer beneficiary if they got divorced.

If the clause refers to "my spouse, Mrs. XXX" and if the couple divorce, the benefit of the contract will not go to Mrs. XXX because she has no such capacity at the time of finalizing the contract. Finally, if the clause naming "Mr. (or Ms.) XXX", then this is Mr. (or Ms.) XXX is the beneficiary of the contract, regardless of whether there has been a divorce or not.

It is therefore advisable to change the beneficiary clause after the divorce if the contractor wishes to change the beneficiary.

Note: It is essential for divorcing spouses to declare their insurance contract.

5.    Using the life insurance policy after a divorce

Divorce involves various financial consequences. Most of the times, for example, one spouse must pay the other spouse a compensatory allowance or support (The support is intended to cover the food needs of one spouse and the duty of support between spouses is maintained by the payment of the pension. The compensatory allowance is intended to compensate the disparity that the breakdown of marriage creates in each spouse’s life.

The compensatory allowance paid by one spouse is now the subject of a lump sum (or spread over 8 years). The use of a life insurance contract may be appropriate for the debtor-spouse, who cannot pay off their debt immediately. Taking out a life insurance contract guaranteeing the payment of capital may be considered. The judge may also impose a guarantee of payment through the life insurance contract.

On the other hand, the debt burden is transmissible to the debtor’s heirs. As a precaution, they may sign a contract to cover the heirs in case they die. The latter would then have the capital necessary to pay the debt.

6.    Joint accounts

Joint accounts are essentially community property. They are divided at the end of the divorce.

7.    Availability of savings schemes: participation and ownership plan

The amounts paid by the company to employees generally cannot be checked after a specified period of time. There are exceptions and divorce is one of these events which allow you to recover your rights.

C) Effect on tax return

1.    Declaration of Income Tax

When spouses are divorced and they live separately, they must make a separate declaration during the year with the divorce. Practically, during this year, the tax is as follows:

-    A first joint declaration is made for the period between 1st January and the date of separation.
-    Each former spouse makes a separate statement for the period between the date of separation and 31st December of that year.

The following year, both spouses make their own statement.

2.    Declaration of solidarity tax on wealth

When a divorce occurs, each spouse is subject to the ISF and must personally make a separate levy, if permitted by the court to live apart. Then, each of the two makes a statement referring to their own property rights and taxable values, as well as those of younger children. The administration admits that when divorced parents of minor children have the legal administration together, the children's assets are to be divided equally between the two homes.

D) Implications for the reversion of the pension

1.    For the general scheme of Social Security, the pension is granted
in certain conditions. You must be at least 55 years old, married for at least two years or to have had a child born in wedlock and you also have to have certain resources.

The survivor's pension is equal to 54% of the deceased person's pension.

The divorced spouse who has not remarried is considered the surviving spouse. If they meet the other conditions, they will be entitled to a widow's pension.

When the insured person was divorced and remarried, the pension is shared between spouses of the deceased, in proportion to the duration of each marriage. Upon the death of a beneficiary of the pension reversion, the share of the other beneficiaries increases.

2.    As for the supplementary pension schemes, the conditions for a widow's pension are the following: the spouse has to be a widow or divorced and must have the age of 60 (or 55, but then the reversion rate will be reduced). The survivor then gets up to 60% of the deceased's pension.

Former spouses are treated as divorced surviving spouses if not remarried. If there is a surviving spouse and several ex-spouses, everyone is entitled to a portion of the survivor's pension in proportion to the length of the marriage. Deleting a payment of reversion has no effect on the amount of the other payments.

The Father Should Remain Self-confident

You have moved from the home you shared with your divorced wife and your children.  You have been living mostly alone since then and only see your children at specified times. How you can continue to father your children, even though you are not part of the everyday life of your children to a great extent. The schedule governs your time together. A reunion lasting a weekend is very short, so is it possible to engage over such a short time spent together? Are the few hours of life together enough to design and develop the role of father and your relationship with your children?

A basic prerequisite of improving the relationship with the children is being together with the children and adopting them. This is actually necessary when it comes to the loss of the man who has been especially close to them again and they need to grieve actively and consciously.

Some parents even want to get separated in order to end a long-lasting struggle over bills and so on, so they say goodbye, which forces the children to also say goodbye to their parents, but maintain a good relationship with their parents.

You now have the task to solve even a part of the problems your children have. Since you no longer have the right to accompany then in their daily life, you will no longer have a say in all areas. A whole new way to restrict an existing close relationship during the week and the weekends resume may initially be confusing and stressful. Finding the balance in everyday life without the kids and still keeping in contact with them is an entirely new and important challenge for you. Every departure from the children after a weekend hurts.

You were previously involved in your family. When you come home at night now, you miss the exchange of ideas with people you trust and you may feel alone. You need new relationships, new friends and possibly a new network of contacts. The professional work cannot replace your family. Go on to new challenges. The time between the weekends with the kids can be debilitating long if you do not have any new goals to strive for. You may have to relearn how to take care of yourself all over again, as taking care of yourself is very important, just like self-confidence.

The farewell to the estranged partner can help the pair of parents to clearly distinguish the level of your parenting. You may feel anger and disappointment when it comes to your previous partner, but on the parent level, you can find forms of cooperation and recognition and achieve development, because this woman is and remains the mother of your children. You may be separated from your partner, but you remain parents and the ex-wife remains the mother of your children for all your life. Both parents are an important source of identity for your children and strengthen their self-confidence. It is important to make peace with yourself, to accept your new life and you will subsequently be accepted and appreciated by the mother of your children.

Your children live in two households after the separation and they commute between these dwellings. It is necessary for you to not rely on the fact that the children have a home with their other parent and create another home for them. This includes them having their own bed and a room, if possible. In any case, the children need a separate area where they can withdraw and where they can feel comfortable. The children may have similar ages with the other kids in the neighborhood, so they can play and maintain contact with them.

Children want to feel that they are welcome when they see their father on weekends and that they do not stay there simply because the mother may need a free weekend or she does not know what to do with them. Your children want you to not just come to visit. Visits are not binding and may be canceled if they do not fit. Children want to be home with you.

To help your children feel good under two roofs, it is necessary that there are agreements between both parents. They have to arrange fixed times and so on, but they also need to agree on who picks the children up and who brings them back. Such conduct provides reliability in the parents' relationship with each other and gives support and safety to the children.

Money cannot be the topic of a conversation between the father and the children as this may lead to a confrontation between the mother and the children. Children should not be messengers, sending messages back and forth over and over again. The regulations should be made directly between the parents. The design of birthdays and holidays such as Christmas, Easter, and First Communion should be regulated so that the children spend time in both families, especially with grandparents, who should be present.

If the father is included in the family, but he stays away from the children for a long time, a lengthy learning process is needed. Fathers often lack role models as the “part-time father" or the "weekend father" is hardly paid any attention to.  So far, there is no appropriate name for this new role. Fathers themselves often withdraw from the family after the divorce and no longer perceive their role.

You need a new image of the father in order to identify your new position and play your role as a father. The understanding that a good father sets rules and enforces them is not enough for this type of father (neither is it for other fathers). Your child wants to spend time with their father during the short time they spend with you. It is not enough to overwhelm the child with gifts and activities.

You do not need to go to the fairground with your child every weekend. You do not have to be your child’s entertainer, but your child wants to be with you and to know that you take their concerns into consideration and have time for them. They need to know that you are a father for them in the truest sense of the word and that you can take care of them. They want you to become their best friend and their best companion! You are richly rewarded even as a father in such a personal relationship.

If the children spend most of the time with their father

In the rare cases in which parents decide that their children should live primarily with their father after the separation, the mother assumes the role of "part-time mother." These mothers have to do the issues, tasks and problems as described above for the father and self-doubt and guilt are frequently added to them. There is still a clear vision that brings mothers next to their children in our society. If mothers choose to work and leave the education of their children to the father of the children, they have to fear being labeled as a "bad mother".

The mothers living without their children most of the time come and make decisions and often fear that their children will not trust them enough. Therefore, they get increasingly worried about the further development of their children. "What will my children think about me when they get older?", they ask themselves.

When the father of the children starts a new relationship with a woman and the step-mother enters their lives, the mother often feels this threatened. They fear that their children think that the new woman in their lives is better than their mother and that they will replace and abandon their "real" mother.

Mothers should not let all the negative thoughts paralyze them, but a support group can be of great help to them in this case.

Coping With the Crisis of a Separation

You grow as you get accustomed to the pain

When a partnership goes to pieces, most of your world collapses, but this difficult time offers a great opportunity for personal growth.

Abortive relationships are among our most painful life experiences. All of us have experienced this feeling at least once and it caused a great deal of grief in our hearts. We suddenly fall apart when it hits us.

The phase of separation crisis

If separation is not caused by an accident or a sudden death, then most crises have been announced. We usually notice the signs, but we rather look away, hoping that everything will settle by itself.

Despite all the forebodings, the separation is then still a shock. We lean on it and a powerful "No!" determines our thinking and our actions. We deny the facts because awareness would be too painful. Gradually, however, we realize what is happening and we lose our stability more and more. However, we usually try to combat the crisis and to do something in this first phase. Sometimes, this phase is even more marked by optimism and a sense that the separation could have its advantages.

We are afraid of falling deeper into this and we try to restore normality as quickly as possible - and our outside world expects it from us. We take refuge in distraction and different activities. Some people find these really useful and they succeed in ending their crisis. People with more depth usually fall deeper into it and that's a good thing, because only then the separation process can really end and you can really grow and even profit from it. Repressed crises caused by separation force out again sooner or later. They find their way in their own way.

Now comes the worst, but also the most important phase: we feel powerless and deliver our feelings, but given the fact that the separation crisis can no longer be denied, we only have one choice: we must accept it. This is our big chance. If we understand that we and our pain must overcome this situation completely, then we are on the path that will cure us. Now, the beginning of the process or the learning process is personal growth. Only then can the process of releasing begin.

Opportunities of the crisis

-    The chance of loving devotion: usually our own needs are not respected too much before the crisis and we may have adapted to save the relationship. However, although there is no crisis, we still suffer more. This is the time to take good care of us and to think about what is now important for us.  What we can do well.  What it takes for us to heal our soul.
-    The chance to clean up: everything that constantly reminds us of our past with our partner brings pain in our soul. Remove all the memories rigorously. Those that are dear and important to you should be preserved in a box in the basement, while you should donate the rest you to a charitable institution. You can even design your new surroundings if you can afford it: maybe a new sofa or new bed, a new warm wall color or anything else. Take your home for yourself and do whatever you like with it. Let the memories out and your new life in.
-    The chance for a new orientation: where do you want to draw attention from in this life? What goals do you have? They need not be lofty, heroic goals. A first goal is enough as long as you carry on with it. Make notes of other goals: what could be more exciting? Going to the gym? Joining a theater group? Gather your ideas and keep your notes. Goals give us strength, which does not mean that we now have to tackle everything at once. It is important to recognize that there is life after the crisis.
-    The opportunity to foster relations: do the partnerships and friendships come too short? What have people endured in the darkest times of crisis and has given them strength? A failed relationship not only leaves a void in the heart, but usually, more practically, in the calendar, too. Who do we want to spend more time in the future with? Is it time to rekindle old friendships, perhaps?
-    A great opportunity to find a better way to have access to your own feelings. A crisis is a time when your emotions get out of control. Although the separation feels so painful that we sometimes think we cannot stand it any longer, it is also good. Emotions make us alive and the crisis will bring us closer to our feelings again. Suppressing our feelings paradoxically means giving them power and allowing them to take over once again in a different situation.
-    The chance to change our destructive behaviors: if the peak of the crisis has been overcome, then it is time we honestly confronted our behavior. Have we said yes too often in our relationship and did we leave our needs behind or were we too dominant, although our partners also tried to dominate us? It is now time to be completely honest with ourselves. What do you want to change? Take your chance!

Congratulations on the Divorce

Sayings and quotations at the end of a marriage and the beginning of a new life:

One in three marriages ends in divorce in Germany. Surely, there are nicer things in life than the end of a marriage, but in our time is one of "positive thinking." It is the beginning of a new phase of life and a symbol of regained freedom. This is a chance to take everything from scratch.

Divorce Fairs - A Life must be rearranged
After the United States of America, France, Italy and Austria, Germany has also joined the fairs: the first divorce fair "New Start" is to be held in Dusseldorf at the end of November 2010. On November, 28, those willing to get separated can check with lawyers, financial advisers, estate agents, life advisors, astrologers, stylists and the youth office in Dusseldorf.

Divorce Party - The New Trend

Several years ago, a group of women who had just got divorced met in the United States of America, but, instead of shedding tears, there was champagne. This is how the first divorce party was born. The idea was embraced very quickly and can now be encountered in all kinds of forms: from social gatherings, buffet and music to wild parties where wedding rings are recessed in the toilet or marriage contracts are burned. Instead of wedding planners, people now have divorce planners who provide them with help and advice.

Divorce Movies

Of course, Hollywood is the best. This is a place where celebrity divorces are almost part of the agenda, so the theme has been adopted. Those who think that divorce parties are a bit too much can watch films like "War of the Roses", "First Wives Club" or "Mrs. Doubtfire" and use this theme to organize a cozy evening.

Congratulations for the divorce

Is this a paradox? Of course there should be enough time to send a funny divorce card, not just to one unhappy divorced person. You can submit well-meant congratulations to all those who see divorce as something positive. For example:

-    "A new life begins. Look forward, not back!"
-    "Finally, you were brave enough!"
-    "A new beginning waits for you on the other side of sadness."
-    "All the best for your newly-won freedom!"
-    "A divorce can be a true blessing. I rejoice with you."

Funny sayings about divorce

-    "I divorced my husband because of the religious differences. He thought he was God. I did not. "
-    "Have you heard of the new Divorce Barbie? It comes with everything that Ken has."
-    "An ex-wife is like an inflamed appendix: it causes a lot of pain and you get rid of it after you use it.”
-    "I am a good housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house". (Zsa Zsa Gabor)