The phases of separation
All humans go through different phases after the shock of the separation. Even the partners we break up with experience these phases, but they have a head start. They usually start transforming the love into friendship during the period of the partnership.
For those of us who have been abandoned, the time for separation has not yet arrived, so we are not emotionally prepared for it.
The phases we go through to the end of a partnership are similar to the phases experienced when losing a person forever. The different phases are characterized by disturbances in four areas: thoughts, feelings, behavior and physical reactions. There are four different phases.
Phase I: The Do-Do non-probability: shock and denial
The first phase is characterized by denial and ignoring the final separation. Feelings of shock and numbness are often there. We behave like robots or think that everything is like a bad dream from which we need to wake up after a while and see that everything is fine again. In this phase, we also beg for a second chance for the partnership.
Phase II: Disruption feelings
This phase is characterized by disorientation and mood swings. Feelings of despair, anger, fear and self doubt alternate. We also come to physical symptoms such as sleep, memory, concentration and appetite disorders, as well as anxiety.
Phase III: Redirection
The third phase involves that we take our life in our hands actively and see a future perspective. Brooding thoughts of the terminated partnership, hatred and desire occur only rarely.
Phase IV: A new concept of life
Once again, we have achieved an inner balance. We have developed a new concept of life and new self-confidence and we are more aware of our needs and preferences, perhaps more so than during the partnership. We can choose freely to live as a single parent or opt for a new partnership.
Even if the individual phases are not very clearly separated from each other, as they do not always run in that straight order and one still has relapses in an earlier phase. It is important that we know the following: we are not so much confused by our emotional and physical reactions but we see that there is life "after" this life and hope that our situation improves again.
Depending on our personality, age, life concept, the extent of the changes and the divorce advice for women or men we need, we usually set to a period of two to four years until we reach a new concept of life and a new internal equilibrium. One thing is sure and that it that the better we handle our separation and come to terms with the new situation, leaving the past behind, the better it is for us spiritually and physically and the better we can communicate with our former partner and find solutions for the separation. Also, the more aware we are of their problems, the better we can help our kids deal with the separation and continue to play our role as parents.
What can you do for yourself in order to find your inner balance?
Accept your feelings for the moment
Please do not ask of them at "work" as if nothing had happened. It is absolutely normal that you are out of balance right now. You need to feel angry because you think that your partner cannot leave you as you have given them so much and that it would be unfair as they promised to love you until the end of life. Also, they should not let the kids down and so on.
Therefore, they must be given a second chance. You have to doubt your thoughts. You should not think that your partner no longer loves you, that you are unlovable or that you cannot keep a partner. You must be sad, lonely and desperate at the thought that you will never be happy again and that you cannot live without your partner. You have to feel guilt at the thought that you should have done more for your partner and you should have been more loving, compassionate and so on. Your body has to react with eating disorders, sleep disorders, headaches, restlessness, poor concentration and memory disorders and so on because it does this to signal that you are in serious danger and your whole concept of life is threatened.
Your feelings and body reactions are completely appropriate to the moment. They are the result of your expectations, desires and experiences from the past. They are the result of how you assess the situation at that moment. Do not worry. You are now in control of your emotions, even though you may not realize it. Therefore, you can also change your settings for the future and enjoy life even if your partner is never coming back again. But for now, you have to accept that you are wounded and helpless.
Express your feelings
Your feelings are painful and it is good for you express to them. You cannot ban them by
force of will. If you express them, you will not lose control over them. You will also cease to cry again. Try to share your feelings by writing in a diary; talk with friends or parents; at support groups; and even with a psychotherapist or a counselor. Allow you to cry and feel regrettable. All roads are fine as long as you do not compromise yourself.
Listen to music that makes you feel touched and moved. Write poems or express your feelings in a self-painted picture. Visit the church or go in the middle of nature. Please do not go for alcohol or sedatives. These only help you by stunning you for a while, but the feelings come back when the effect have worn off. You are also at risk of falling into addiction, if you make this a habit to numb your feelings.
Accept your behavior at this moment
It may be that you do not recognize yourself at this moment. Perhaps, you have been used to making small mistakes, to being understanding and allowing you to eat in moderation, to being reliable, to paying attention to your appearance and so on and now you behave exactly the opposite. Do not condemn it, but accept that you are not perfect. You are not a robot, so you respond to the current situation. Tell the boss or colleagues that you are in a separation phase. Surrender to curb "mitigating" circumstances and your expectations.
You live only for a day
If you feel completely powerless, perhaps even think about committing suicide, then choose to live only for a day every day. This is manageable and your strength is sufficient for this purpose.
Treat yourself lovingly
Although you still find the situation difficult, try to treat yourself reasonably and to ensure a healthy diet. Your body needs this right now as it is in such a stressful situation. Drink at least 2 liters of liquid (water, herbal or fruit tea) per day. Eat plenty of fruits, vegetables, whole grains and dairy products. Give up smoking. Try to incorporate physical activity into your everyday life. This helps to reduce both the tension and anger and to overcome your depression.
Drag balance
The following questions will help you to understand the separation. A separation often involves both partners. It is best to write down your answers:
- What did you achieve in your partnership in the recent past?
- Did you have trust in each other?
- Were you ready to accept your partner as they are?
- Did you feel accepted by your partner?
- Did you have common interests, hobbies and attitudes?
- Could you talk about conflicts and different opinions?
- Could you develop personally?
- Did you have mutual friends?
- Did you agree to compromise on different occasions?
- Could you rely on the partner?
- Did you allow each other to be alone?
- If you were annoyed by the other, did you talk about it, did you hide the anger and did you try
to hurt each other?
- Did you feel that you were in a partnership all the time?
Change your perspective
When confronted with thoughts like "My partner cannot ... That's mean", catch them and replace them with "I am ready to accept that my partner left me and I'm willing to accept that my partner has to take action". At first, you will deny everything and you will feel as if you were lying to yourself, but with more repetition and more practice, you will even feel internal approval.
The goal is not to reach the conclusion that you conduct your partner well. It is simply a matter of accepting reality. You cannot undo the past. Even if it hurts you, your partner has the right to behave according to their wishes and needs. Therefore, you are not their victim. You can learn to let go of your expectations of them. Distract your attention by thinking of your future, instead of arguing with the past. Think of what you should with your life, of what new perspectives you can find and of what you can do for yourself.
Whenever you make accusations that they have made something go wrong in the partnership, give it a second thought. Think that you are willing to forgive what they have done and think that they did what seemed right to them and what they could.
Think about the opportunities that a separation may bring for you. What have you given up on or what have you postponed for your partner's sake? Which friends have you always wanted to resume contact with?
Whenever you become aware of such thoughts that make you afraid, such as: "I cannot manage alone, it would be terrible if... I cannot bear with this”, break them and replace them with courage-making ideas. Remember that you have already done everything. Get in contact with people who have also been through a breakup and find that you can be a positive model. Ask for information with an information center because an expert can help you and indicate you where and how to acquire the necessary knowledge or skills. What others have managed to overcome, you can overcome, too!
Give yourself time
Adjusting to the new situation as a single parent or person living alone takes time. You must all learn many new roles that you are not prepared for as you did not expect a separation. You must cope with many losses and find your balance:
- the loss of the partner,
- the loss of joint plans for the future,
- the loss of playing wife or husband,
- the loss of a lover,
- the loss of the status of couple,
- possibly the loss of children,
- the loss of a house/apartment,
- the financial loss and
- the loss of friends.
First of all, you know what's missing. You now have to put energy in it and develop a targeted counter-model. What should take its place? How do you look without your partner? Where can you get your satisfaction from instead? But you already have all the skills to develop a new way of life, so you only need strength and you will be successful.
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