A basic prerequisite of improving the relationship with the children is being together with the children and adopting them. This is actually necessary when it comes to the loss of the man who has been especially close to them again and they need to grieve actively and consciously.
Some parents even want to get separated in order to end a long-lasting struggle over bills and so on, so they say goodbye, which forces the children to also say goodbye to their parents, but maintain a good relationship with their parents.
You now have the task to solve even a part of the problems your children have. Since you no longer have the right to accompany then in their daily life, you will no longer have a say in all areas. A whole new way to restrict an existing close relationship during the week and the weekends resume may initially be confusing and stressful. Finding the balance in everyday life without the kids and still keeping in contact with them is an entirely new and important challenge for you. Every departure from the children after a weekend hurts.
You were previously involved in your family. When you come home at night now, you miss the exchange of ideas with people you trust and you may feel alone. You need new relationships, new friends and possibly a new network of contacts. The professional work cannot replace your family. Go on to new challenges. The time between the weekends with the kids can be debilitating long if you do not have any new goals to strive for. You may have to relearn how to take care of yourself all over again, as taking care of yourself is very important, just like self-confidence.
The farewell to the estranged partner can help the pair of parents to clearly distinguish the level of your parenting. You may feel anger and disappointment when it comes to your previous partner, but on the parent level, you can find forms of cooperation and recognition and achieve development, because this woman is and remains the mother of your children. You may be separated from your partner, but you remain parents and the ex-wife remains the mother of your children for all your life. Both parents are an important source of identity for your children and strengthen their self-confidence. It is important to make peace with yourself, to accept your new life and you will subsequently be accepted and appreciated by the mother of your children.
Your children live in two households after the separation and they commute between these dwellings. It is necessary for you to not rely on the fact that the children have a home with their other parent and create another home for them. This includes them having their own bed and a room, if possible. In any case, the children need a separate area where they can withdraw and where they can feel comfortable. The children may have similar ages with the other kids in the neighborhood, so they can play and maintain contact with them.
Children want to feel that they are welcome when they see their father on weekends and that they do not stay there simply because the mother may need a free weekend or she does not know what to do with them. Your children want you to not just come to visit. Visits are not binding and may be canceled if they do not fit. Children want to be home with you.
To help your children feel good under two roofs, it is necessary that there are agreements between both parents. They have to arrange fixed times and so on, but they also need to agree on who picks the children up and who brings them back. Such conduct provides reliability in the parents' relationship with each other and gives support and safety to the children.
Money cannot be the topic of a conversation between the father and the children as this may lead to a confrontation between the mother and the children. Children should not be messengers, sending messages back and forth over and over again. The regulations should be made directly between the parents. The design of birthdays and holidays such as Christmas, Easter, and First Communion should be regulated so that the children spend time in both families, especially with grandparents, who should be present.
If the father is included in the family, but he stays away from the children for a long time, a lengthy learning process is needed. Fathers often lack role models as the “part-time father" or the "weekend father" is hardly paid any attention to. So far, there is no appropriate name for this new role. Fathers themselves often withdraw from the family after the divorce and no longer perceive their role.
You need a new image of the father in order to identify your new position and play your role as a father. The understanding that a good father sets rules and enforces them is not enough for this type of father (neither is it for other fathers). Your child wants to spend time with their father during the short time they spend with you. It is not enough to overwhelm the child with gifts and activities.
You do not need to go to the fairground with your child every weekend. You do not have to be your child’s entertainer, but your child wants to be with you and to know that you take their concerns into consideration and have time for them. They need to know that you are a father for them in the truest sense of the word and that you can take care of them. They want you to become their best friend and their best companion! You are richly rewarded even as a father in such a personal relationship.
If the children spend most of the time with their father
In the rare cases in which parents decide that their children should live primarily with their father after the separation, the mother assumes the role of "part-time mother." These mothers have to do the issues, tasks and problems as described above for the father and self-doubt and guilt are frequently added to them. There is still a clear vision that brings mothers next to their children in our society. If mothers choose to work and leave the education of their children to the father of the children, they have to fear being labeled as a "bad mother".
The mothers living without their children most of the time come and make decisions and often fear that their children will not trust them enough. Therefore, they get increasingly worried about the further development of their children. "What will my children think about me when they get older?", they ask themselves.
When the father of the children starts a new relationship with a woman and the step-mother enters their lives, the mother often feels this threatened. They fear that their children think that the new woman in their lives is better than their mother and that they will replace and abandon their "real" mother.
Mothers should not let all the negative thoughts paralyze them, but a support group can be of great help to them in this case.
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