Talking to your child is one of the most important pieces of help that the couple can give them in addressing all the changes that are associated with a separation of the parents.
This counteracts a feeling that many children of divorced parents have difficulty dealing with: the feeling of being pushed to the brink of not being taken seriously and of being helpless in front of all developments. Talk about the contents, but a conversation also means telling them that you are here for them and that they are important to you.
This applies to children of all ages. Parents of younger children sometimes believe that they need no explanation because they still cannot understand the complicated issues.
Investigations have shown that young children who were not explained the events were particularly irritated and anxious.
When should you talk to your children about the separation?
Older children often suspect that a separation will come before they are officially notified, as the family climate has changed noticeably and more and more disputes are on the agenda. But the reverse is common.
Separation/divorce only seems logical from the adults’ point of view because there are so many conflicts. However, that is perhaps inconceivable for your child because they know their family and a separation of their parents is not even shaped in their (young) world. In any case, children need to talk to both parents.
The time then comes when the final decision is made and you have an idea of what changes
take place in the near future and what the rules initially intended are (residences, care of the children, visits, phone calls and so on). The more concrete the information about the daily life that you can give your children, the better they can adapt to it.
Before you talk to your children about your decision to end your marriage, talk to your partner and agree on what you will say and how will you say it.
How should you tell them?
If possible, do it together. The advantages are that your children know that both of you made this decision, that it is a decision that is also very serious and you send the message that you are worried both about the welfare of children and that you will take care of them. The words you choose depend of course on the child’s age and on the situation.
If the children are still young, you should initially limit yourself to the most important things. Depending on their age, children can cope with many different pieces of information.However, there should not be an argument break out between the parents by any means on this occasion and there can be no recriminations.
What should you tell the children?
It does not matter whether you explain all the relationships to the child as the kids do not need to know every detail. First and foremost, your speech should be about what is important for the child. Many children are worried about how their life will be like in the future, so they have some practical questions. You must also know how they will be meeting their parents, who they will stay with and if they have a bed and something to eat.
Your child may be relieved if you do not just talk about what will change, but also mention some things that you know they are important for them and that will not change (e.g. the afternoon at the grandparents, the regular pool visit with the parent who moves out and so on).
If all the pertinent information that children need is provided, the message should be that although you cannot live together as a couple, neither the father nor the mother shall be separated from their child and they remain their parents, even if the family no longer live under the same roof.
Be honest. Your words must have the appropriate effect. Make sure that you do not make false promises. They may now be small lies or false promises meant to make it easier for them, but they could have long-term consequence, so the child will be confused and will no longer trust you or be strong. Maybe you have do not have answers for all the questions, but you should give your child answers if you know them and if they ask the appropriate questions.
Make it clear, in any case, that the responsibility to find solutions is yours, the adult’s, and that the child is not guilty and they do not have any responsibility.
How do children react to the news?
How children respond to the message also depends on their age and temperament. You must expect to be confronted with your child’s concentrated fury or to be very difficult for them to cope with their grief and despair. As hard as this may also be at the moment, the child may be expressing their feelings. In the long run, they may surprise you with their attitude, although they can only have age-appropriate reactions right now.
Remember that it is also difficult for children to talk about issues associated with such strong feelings. It may be that your child is all set on defense in their heart and still cannot deal with the new situation or they may fear being overwhelmed by the bad feelings when they talk about their parents’ separation. Finally, there is also a question of temperament. Some children open up their hearts, while others are more cautious, especially when it comes to expressing feelings.
Hold on to your offer to discuss with them or to start the conversation again when calmness has occurred even if your child reacts rather violently or with retreat.
The dialogue should continue
You will find that the unique fundamental explanatory meeting is not sufficient. Children must always be ensured that they have noticed and understood everything correctly. This means that you need to discuss the same thing several times and probably explain it to them several times. Think about how deep and difficult things are, even for adults.
They may not always be lengthy and profound conversations. Some short phrases to meet the child’s current needs should be enough, so that they can focus on their game or their other activities once again. Even these brief dialogues give the child a sense of relaxation that will allow them to express their questions and fears at any time.
You do not just talk to your child, but also to listen to them. Children must be able to take a stand. You must be able to say how they are doing, what they like and what they do not see right. Children often have good suggestions and ideas, made in relation to their own person and situation, so they do not do things as easily as adults.
In most cases, it is worthwhile to examine whether one can implement their ideas or not. Sometimes, it's just little things that children want to be different, but they make up for the difference between "okay" and "I will not do that". Children often feel that they cannot control what is happening to them, but they must also have some control over the developments affecting them.
If you are open to discussions, you will also understand your child’s questions and fears. “Is it my fault?”, ”Will you leave me, too?”, ” Do you love me?” are some of the question they have. If you know what your child fears, you can think about how you can counteract their fears, thus creating new security.
If you have several children, whose age is a little further apart, you will find that the children deal with the issue quite differently. They ask other questions, express concerns and other needs, express their grief and their anger differently. That depends, for example, on how much their skills to understand relationships between other people and between themselves and other people have developed or to what extent they are able to assess the consequences that may arise from certain events.
The same thing stands if a child gets older and the development progress now enables them to see things differently. Then again, you should now talk about the "old stories" again, but other aspects are important, too. These are issues that have never been discussed in the past and that become important at a certain point in time. This way, your child gets a more mature understanding of the divorce.
One more important note
The father, the mother (the adults) and the children are at stake when these conversations take place. It's not the wife, the husband or the ex-partner. Be careful with the words you choose and do not finish the other in your conversation with the child.
Your discussions with the children should not involve your pair conflicts. If this parent-child conversations are aggressive, there is a risk that you child becomes a substitute for the other adult party. Pour out your heart to the child, but do not make them your comforter. A child who plays the role of ally of the father or the mother feels that they must suppress their own grief and that the adults will increase it even more.
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