"Several years after the separation of the parents, we were able to compare children of divorced parents to their peers who grew up in traditional nuclear families and they have shown no general disadvantages", said Professor Sabine Walper. The psychologist in Munich has been conducting a study on children from all over Germany in different family constellations for years. Based on this, she developed a course on the children in mind. "Their parents should look out for the needs of their offspring during the separation awareness. We asked the expert what is important in this situation.
Would it not be better for children if their parents stayed together?
Not in any conditions. If a nice family life is still just a facade, there are very small chances that the high-intensity fights are over. However, there may also be occasional disputes, which are not really the children’s problem or concern. However, they must end and there must be reconciliation. Children cannot deal with constant nagging and disputes between the mom and dad.
Does this mean that children cope better with a clear cut?
Yes, but only if they are not completely unprepared for their parents’ decision. They must have already sensed when mom and dad no longer get along very well. A longitudinal study from the United States has shown that children deal a lot harder with the separation when they have not been announced.
When is the best time for someone to tell their child that their mom and dad have to separate?
This should only happen when the two have discussed with with each other and when they have reached an agreement. A couple should, of course, never recklessly put at risk their relationship, but always ask themselves where they are, what they can change for the better or if they have any chance. This is not always the case, but the two partners estimate that the situation is the same. There is usually dissatisfaction in both.
More concretely, how do you teach a four-year-old child that their parents have to get separated?
The most important thing is that you talk with the kids and they will eventually move on. Children need a lot of affection and attention during this difficult time. They need someone who has the courage to address everything. It is difficult for many parents. A separation often makes them speechless. Most people do it just to tame their own feelings. It is the most important thing for the children that someone sits down with them and says: "We have considered so and so, you need not fear". This is because the separation always triggers different fears in the children. They wonder what will become of them. Moreover, children still feel guilty and uneasy thoughts arise, such as: "Am I no longer important to my mom if she leaves me". Although it is difficult and it takes great effort, parents also have to talk to their child.
What is to be considered?
Parents should not make one-sided accusations by any means. This only strains the child's relationship to the accused parent. They often reverse the tables, the allegations appear very serious and the children do not get a second version. A second important point is to make it clear to the child that they are not the cause of the separation.
What if you include your children in the deliberations?
Absolutely. Parents can discuss about needs even with small children. However, they need to have clearly formulated alternatives. You should ask, for example: Do you want to visit your dad on Saturday or Sunday? Once they are in kindergarten, children should have a say and they should be able to control the contact with the other parent. If the children do not want to see their mother or father at first, you should not really accept that. In such cases, it is better not to exert pressure, but have patience.
How do you get parents not to neglect their child despite their problems?
Most parents cannot do this, as it takes incredible strength, which they do not really have during such a period of time. One way is to ask another person the child trusts to keep an eye on them. Thus, you can take care of yourself and then keep an eye on the child. One should also always take the time to do something beautiful with their children. The relationship should always be good. Parents need to think of the welfare of the child and to sometimes swallow their anger at the ex-partner.
Does that also mean that parents should continue to work?
Yes, it does. The ex-spouse’s aim must be to build a sustainable collaboration and that can only succeed if both value it. This is usually very difficult, especially in the early phase of separation because there have been injuries. They tend to see only the negative parts. The way couples manage to this day and to leave the escalation behind always depends on the temperament of the parties and the injuries they have suffered. It is important that communication exists and brings them back on the right track because they need to protect the child together and to continue to educate them. All children hope to live better with their parents. It should not come so far that a child must later decide whom they invite to their wedding, the mother or the father.
What tips would you give parents so that communication can work again?
You should just solve an issue and keep the charges as low as possible. The decisive factor is that the other one shows their appreciation when they have done something good. It is a valuable currency in this difficult time of transition.
If one parent is actually leaving, how can the child maintain a good relationship with them? Is it possible?
Physical separation is always associated with financial and time-consuming issues. The ex-partners have to assess whether that arrangement is possible. If the child is yet very small, the simplest solution would be to ensure that the parent who has moved away comes to visit. The prerequisite is, of course, that the ex-partners can stand getting in contact. If the children are older, they are reasonable enough to commute between their parents. These should always discuss on the moment they pick beforehand or perhaps on what they even have to do, such as homework. The parents’ weekends should be mixed with their everyday life and their obligations, so that they are alerted that they have a child.
How long does it take for children to overcome their parents’ separation?
This cannot be said clearly. However, they probably need about two to three years to build a new equilibrium. It will then be clear for them that their parents have separated.
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