The reactions of children to the divorce of their parents cannot be generalized because every child suffers from the separation and responds individually.
When parents split up, they are usually very focused on their own emotions and problems. The angry, injured or aggressive feelings toward the ex-partners are experienced in a very subjective way.
On the other hand, parents have guilt feelings toward their children who are now faced with the separation. Especially when it comes to the partner who plays the role of the forsaken, the blame is directed toward the one who caused the separation and thus has brought the child in this situation.
It is therefore usually very hard for parents to take the reactions of children objectively. They are often unable to recognize their child’s problems and certainly unable to solve them.
Girls and boys respond differently
Even if children respond differently to the separation situation, there can still be some common grounds.
Boys often exhibit behavior problems, while girls tend to adapt more readily. Therefore, it is not seen as "disturbing," but more like normal. Girls tend to cope very well, but the suffering caused by the divorce is often underestimated.
Apart from these gender-typical reactions, there are typical behaviors for different age groups.
Strong fears of loss in younger children
Very young children are often more anxious, aggressive or irritated because they categorize the separation. A part of the family is simply "gone." Not infrequently, there are relapses in their development: for example, enuresis or retrograde language development. A similar reaction appears when a baby is born. The child instinctively flees and plays the role of a vulnerable baby.
Kindergarten children take the situation of grief and abandonment better. They often blame the missing parent, but they cannot classify the family situation right and they blame themselves for the fact that their parents are involved in disputes. The more intense the disputes, the greater their sense of guilt is.
Older children: contradictions between reason and emotions
School children have usually experienced permanent goodbyes and grasp the separation better from an intellectual point of view. However, the feelings are there and they make them helpless and angry. Children often feel ashamed of the change in front of other families, especially when it comes to friends and classmates. A decline in school performance is very commonly registered. In some situations, children have more behavioral disorders than before. For example, they argue more frequently, isolate themselves or burst into tears.
Older children are no longer characterized as quite that emotional. They think about many things and reflect on their own situation and also perform other intensive activities. They are concentrated on the situation and on the way it affects not only them, but also their parents. They often experience parental conflict from both sides. They assume partial responsibility for things they are too young for. Very frequently, their behavior is perceived as "unremarkable". Their own interests and their contact with friends are often neglected.
Young people tend to have contradictory behaviors. On one hand, they are able to understand the relationship problems and respond to the parents, but, on the other hand, they occasionally show intense emotional reactions. First, they have the natural desire for redemption through puberty, but they also long for an intact family based on security and stability.
Due to this inconsistency, the age-typical redemption process is accelerated or inhibited abruptly.
Childhood reactions to understand
The children who experience a divorce often take a lot of responsibility and grow up too early. They usually have to make decisions about the parent with whom they want to live, but they are so overwhelmed because they do not want to make this decision. At this age, a lot of changes take place with the main caregiver.
All these reactions are not "disorders," but clear signals of childhood needs. They reflect a concern with the new situation they have to cope with. Therefore, all these reactions can be interpreted as normal ones given the situation.
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