Couples on the Verge of Separation

We come to separation, but do we really want to get separated?

We often hear people complaining about their relationship, but they also claim that they cannot get separated.

Generally, the decision is made because something breaks and the two express the desire to materialize the separation after getting professional divorce help.

The first question that arises at this point is whether you can go through a separation and if you can handle the suffering. On the other hand, it is also questionable if the two really want to get separated.

In some cases, the dissolution of the relationship extends beyond the time expected. This shows the difficulty to make the cut, which will surely bring new opportunities to everyone.

Making the cut involves mourning and starting to feel that something has changed and this is very painful.

It also involves making the decision and moving from words to deeds. Finally, making the cut means occupying a new place in the social environment and having a different appreciation of family and friends.

However, not all couples move to dissolution and to breaking up in court. Many like the repetition of scenes and the criticisms and misunderstandings that make up the relationship.

In these cases, the separation is completed.  But if it is, it can cause long-term suffering for the whole family.

In these cases, it is very useful to go to a professional consultation or to get divorce advice for women and men in order to clarify the situation and prevent the occurrence of psychological disorders in the family. Usually, the children are the ones who have a very significant reaction to what happens to their parents.

The Art of Breaking Up When You're Parents

A breakup is never easy. Things get even more complicated when children are involved.

The stakes are bigger and so is the risk of conflict. Fortunately, it is possible to live through a separation by reducing the family crisis. Psychologist Holy Father Francis explains how.

The arrival of a child and the breakup

The very coming of a first child can trigger a rupture. "In most relationships, the birth of a child, especially the first, greatly changes the lives of couples", says St. Father Francis, psychologist specializing in couples therapy, family mediator and author. "The spouses have less time to be together, to talk and share activities other than daily chores. In the early days especially, fatigue is experienced, there is lack of patience and the frequency of sex decreases. Having a baby is certainly the largest project of a couple, but it can be very hard for them”, the psychologist admits.

Family mediation

Generally, most issues of separation are large - including children -, more partners being likely to work hard to avoid it and turning to divorce help. However, it sometimes becomes inexorable. How to alleviate the suffering of children when this happens? St Francis Father thinks they should not take them hostage. The psychologist also invites all parents to take up family mediation. "The family mediator is there to help partners make a clear break, without bias. In addition, it is a free service", he says.

The announcement of the breakup

"Ideally, parents should wait until the end of the school year to announce their breakup. Thus, children have all summer to adjust to this new situation, before the new school year starts. If it is not possible, parents should announce the separation during the weekend rather than during the week. The announcement should always be made by both parents and they should not blame each other", says St. Father Francis. He also suggests reading “The couple broke. Rebuild the break itself”, a book written by Dr. Christophe Faure, who discusses in detail how to announce the separation to the children.

Separation

Here are some tips to soften the breakup for the child:

- Listen to them and encourage them to express their sadness, anger and fears
- Stick to their daily routine as much as possible, in order not to further destabilize the situation
- Remind them that they are not responsible for the situation
- Help them understand and accept that failure as final
- Reassure them that both parents still love them despite the separation
- Do not speak ill of the absent parent
- Avoid using the child to send personal messages to the other parent

You can also look for more separation divorce advice and make sure that things are easy as possible for the child.

Parents Must Be Present!

Quebec families are caught in the hustle of modern life: work, household, transportation, training, meals...

All societies have rituals to celebrate a community member’s passage from childhood to adolescence.  After school, our young children often finds themselves very lonely -- detached from the family. The communication between parents and teens has a special importance.

Teens out of the basement

It's tempting as a parent to save a little time and let them "live their lives locked in their room or in the basement with their music, television, friends, and especially their mobile computer… But is that really what they need?

Be present

Parents believe children can manage with their school work, hours of sleep, or hours of output.
Error: the young person is a being that needs changing markers, direction, and limits. Now, you only play your part as a parent if you are present and if you spend quality time together!

Having control of the situation

Your presence brings an automatic control element in your teen’s life. Who tells you that your child does what they have to do when you're at work? Did they bring friends at home at lunchtime or after school? Can they watch TV, play video games or learn the physiological characteristics of human reproduction from the Net?

Also note that some 13 year-olds return home early in the afternoon while their parents come home only early in the evening. Perhaps, it is too much to ask a 13-year-old to take care of themselves for three or four hours a day.

Ceasing the opportunities of communicating

Communication is a skill that requires training and maintenance, just like marriage and divorce. Thus, you have to maximize the opportunities of communicating with your teenager. A child or young person has the functions "pause" or "rewind", just like a machine. You had better be there and available when they are ready to talk, otherwise you'll wait for the next miracle.

Organization of their time

Have you thought about working at home? Can you choose your next job according to the schedule of the company? Do these schedules allow you to combine work and family life? Can the distance between your workplace and your home be reduced to avoid long time lost on the way?

Can you schedule your evenings at home to be with your family? These evenings spent together will save your child from future visits to a therapist.

Entourage: is there a grandmother or a grandfather in the room? If you cannot be present because of work constraints, can a "mom" or "dad" replacement be appointed? Why not ask people around you to watch your children in your absence? An aunt, a neighbor or friend living in your neighborhood can be a great relief. Grandparents often have quality time to offer to your children and their grandchildren and they are in great shape. Why not give them the opportunity to contribute to the well-being of their grandchildren?

A little more family activities

Choose to work evenings or weekends that bring together the interests of all family members. Do you like sports? You need to be in shape: a father and son can subscribe to the same gym and train together.

Are you more into artistic activities than into sports? Visit museums, organize monthly outings to libraries, go to the theater... All excuses are good to promote these parent-teen activities, like bowling, visiting the grandmother, auto repairing, shopping, going to the restaurant activities... We even saw a father and daughter try going to the opera.

The important point is that being with your child and sharing activities with them is a way of maximizing your relationship and the opportunities to communicate with them. It does not really matter what you do together. You can even talk about online divorce if you want, as long as that communication is present.

Living in a Blended Family: The Great Inconvenience

Living in a blended family causes great inconvenience. We must reconcile the habits and values. But with time, patience, and lots of communication, we can replace old rituals with new ones.

The step family ensures that the children are living with a new sibling, or at least, that they frequently move between two family nuclei. Before the reorganization, the children of both families are happy together. But once under the same roof, the reports can spoil everything. How could it be otherwise! Cohabitation is threatening the child’s position. While a child was the eldest in their original family, they can be the second or even third overnight.

Also, the territory should be developed so that it gives everyone their space. Will the child share the room with another child? The new partners must address these organizational changes in order to better negotiate. We must add that the different values implanted in each family to that.  No one can be completely fulfilled, but compromises may be satisfactory for all, if their needs are met.

Clash of cultures

The spouses have to come to an agreement so that there is harmony between these two worlds. For example, it would be unwise to impose a new type of food on children. This applies even when a parent establishes clear rules for their children and if their new spouse establishes more flexible ones or if these rules are almost non-existent. This situation gives rise to feelings of unfairness and jealousy among the children.

The parent’s role and responsibilities

The parent who has visitation rights after the divorce which occurred given all the divorce grounds in a blended family is often the one who asks their children to conform to rules of discipline and who has problems. However, being too permissive with your own children could also cause problems in the new family.

Regardless of the type of care and time they have to maintain their relationship with their child, a parent must continue to fulfill their responsibilities and play their role. Even if this resumes to giving the child a fixed feeding schedule, to providing sufficient time to sleep, so that this role is not played by the new spouse.

The former part in the new family

A win-win agreement can be established between all members of the family that revolve around the children without advocating a very close relationship between ex-spouses because children make room for everyone.

A parent often fears losing their children’s love when their ex-spouse reforms a couple. They feel stripped of their role as someone else will live with them daily. Yet, it is part of the new family, even if not in the immediate setting. The non-custodial parent, indeed, keeps all their rights and obligations, according to divorce law. They exercise their parental authority and continue to assume a parenting role within the agreement or the divorce decree. They must however respect the boundaries related to the privacy of the couple.

If both former spouses are involved in a reconstructed couple, there must be respect for the two nuclear families in order to enable children to move between the two systems without feeling guilty.

Communication Between Parents and Teens

Adolescence is a period of intense change that leads to many conflicts and a breakdown in communication between parents and children. This special issue gives some tips for maintaining family ties and maintaining the parent-teen relationship.

Teenagers often blame their parents for saying no without giving any explanation, for not listening and, above all, for not understanding. In brief, they suffer from a lack of communication with them. The parents’ fear  of watching their children go away, and their anxiety about seeing them do stupid things such as touching drugs or joining a group of bad friends does not count. Yet, it is often enough to just listen to both sides in order to maintain the exchanges throughout adolescence.

Parent-teen communication

Adolescence is notoriously difficult to live ... for parents. Communication seems broken with this child that no longer recognizes anything. What kind of action should you take when it comes to divorce and children? It is often necessary to review the relations between parents and adolescents. And the buddy-buddy attitude is not always the best for these youngsters who still need an authority figure.

Drugs and youth

Teenagers often adopt rebellious behavior. They come home later and later, they drink beer for the first time, they smoke their first cigarette, and they try drugs. Faced with these potentially dangerous behaviors, parents are often scared and this is really something that makes it a lot more difficult for them since they also have to deal with divorce law and all the other procedures related to their divorce.

Adolescent health

Health is not a matter of great concern to the majority of adolescents who have their youth on their side. However, they are not immune to teenagers’ diseases, such as acne or sexually transmitted infections or blood transmission infections (STIs). Besides depression, which is often overlooked, there is also obesity, diabetes and other ailments associated with poor diet and physical inactivity.