Advice for Parents after Separation

Whatever the context, divorce remains a real upheaval in the lives of children, whatever their age. How can you protect your child after separation? This is the advice given to parents by Dr. Paul Bensussan.

What are the solutions or advice for parents after separation?

When it comes to divorce advice for men and women, Dr. Paul Bensussan says: In 'amicable' separations, arrangements for child care are the result of consultation between the parents, which may help alleviate the child’s distress. It is not the same at high conflict separations, in which there is conflict over the exercise of custody or visitation rights. It is therefore important to alleviate the child's fearful climate surrounding transitions.

The 'blues' on Sunday evening that even adults can feel is tenfold increased when the transition from one parent to another takes place in a hostile climate.  There may be  stony silence or an explosion of complaints such as delays due to traffic; cleanliness of the child; securing business class; or forgotten homework. In these cases, I gladly recommend more neutral transitions such as deploying the nanny or nursery, if the child does not attend school. It is much easier for the child than for the parent, to say goodbye at the gate of the school on a Monday morning ('mom it will get you tonight'), but this implies the willingness of both parents if the judge ordered the custodial parent's return home on Sunday evening. One is always free to dispense the rigid frame of the decision.  Moreover, as the children are older college students, transfers at transportation hubs makes life even easier.

During the weekends or holidays, we must also think about promoting contact - phone calls, sending postcards - between the child and the other parent. It is especially important that the child can censor the expression of a lack of fear of hurting the parent with whom they are. Telephone appointments can be determined in order to avoid the permanent telephone intrusion, quickly perceived as harassment. Then, the child wins: they know that this call is intended.

What are the solutions or advice for parents after separation? 

Finally, there are some things parents cannot find out when they go looking for legal divorce advice. We must resist the temptation to turn the child into a 'reporter' or a 'detective' by asking the least possible information about what is happening 'with the other'. Too many parents make these little mistakes which are a kind of dishonesty towards their children.

Remember the advice for a separate charge. Here is a list of tips and / or mistakes not to commit:

- Never forget that this child belongs to both of you;
- Never ask who they love more;
- Help them keep in touch with their other parent, too;
- Do not treat them as messengers;
- Let them see the other parent, too;
- Do not plan anything for the other parent’s time with the child;
- Do not treat the child like some sort of object;
- Do not fight when they are present;
- Do not say stuff they can’t see;
- Let them bring friends over;
- Agree on how they can spend money;
- Just make sure the child is happy;
- Don’t change their life too much; and
- Treat their grandparents nicely.

Although they may sometimes appear as angelic or utopian in a tense environment, this advice must be provided: everyone can measure the number of small faults such as clumsiness or others that may result from a children's sensitivity.  These can truly be attributed to the ordeal of separation.