And what do you do?
We get angry that no one has been able to tell us when we have been deceived and have been the last to know. But is it so easy to do it? If this is your best friend and you want to tell her tactfully, but you have so much confidence in someone, your performance can be seen as intrusive and even as an act of bad faith. There are men and women with public antlers who seem to know nothing or who do not want to find out what happens. Is this true? Can anyone be so in love that they could tolerate infidelity? What would you do if someone told you that your boyfriend cheating on you?
The issue is so sensitive and has so many nuances that we sought the opinion of real experts on what to do or what they would like others to do for them in this situation. These specialists are just people, men and women who have been involved in a situation of this kind. What would you do? We conducted a small survey on whether to forgive your partner’s infidelity or not.
"I wish someone had told me" Sara (32 years, journalist)
I spent two years dating a guy I never fell in love with. I was depressed because of a previous relationship and started dating this guy (I cannot call him otherwise) because I needed affection and I needed my hopes to be up again. Then I knew that I would fall in love and I wanted to quit. That started a whole phase consisting of crying, begging, pleading and all sorts of dazzling acts, asking me not to leave him. The guy in question was thirty-five years old, so I was surprised by his attitude. Soon, he began to manifest himself in front of others, showing feeling such as obsessive jealousy. I guess he knew I was not in love with him and that drove him crazy. I was torn between my feelings of shame, guilt and desire to give him another chance (how stupid we, women, are ...). But he stated seeing a lot of odd things about my social relationships and he pretended to have very many friends. These were all lies, in fact, as I discovered later, he was a compulsive liar. Everything was discovered when he started calling his lover more frequently because I was busy with a lot of work, but he came to tell me because I could not stand it anymore. Then it was all very clear - all his lies and al the trouble. What I found blew my mind. I demanded absolute loyalty and he was busy with a lot of women, pretending he was somewhat obsessive about me. The worst thing is that everyone knew about this except for me. He almost killed me for a long time and I was very disappointed with many people. However, I discovered later that he lied so much that many people thought I did not know what to do. Still, I would have appreciated it if people had told me to dump him instead of having to deal with their meanness. It's the worst that has happened in my life. Oh and for those who think women are silly when it comes to infidelity, I would say they are sadly mistaken: he told so many lies, he deceived me so much that no one knew what would happen and things really were.
"It is not me to tell" Carla, 29, nurse
I met "X" through a mutual friend and immediately struck me as the kind of guy who loses his head over women and that he had a girlfriend. I slept with him and I never passed, but I hate that kind of men and I hate misleading anyone. However, many of my friends and acquaintances knew about him cheating on her. The funny thing was that a year after we met, he began working in the same company as me and he also made out with many associates of our colleagues. And a little later, his girlfriend also entered the company. Everyone knew he was cheating, but he behaved with incredible ease. I must admit that apart from his infidelities, he was a nice guy, a helpful and pleasant guy. We all wondered if she knew, if she had not heard anything or if they did the same. She, as often happens in these cases, is beautiful, intelligent and charming, and I've often wanted to tell but I've never done it. I am not confident about all this and I do not know what to do. They are getting married now and she seems happy. If she were my friend, I would talk to her, but I think I should tell her anyway.
"My friends told me" Luis, 34, businessman
I was going out with a neighbor who also went to my school between 16 and 20 years old. I loved her and I knew she was crazy about me, but she always complained about us not spending enough time together, she blamed me for playing football or doing things with my friends. And it was true, because I was a kid and I loved being with my friends, but I loved her and never cheated. On the contrary, it was she who began to wear the horns. And my friends told me and I was angry because she was so indiscreet (she also slept with people in my school). I took a big stick because it was my first disappointment in love, but I think I took it very well. I went to talk to both of them face to face as I wanted to ask for explanations. We almost fought and it was a typical teenage scene, with the girl crying. I forgave her because she said it was because she was not loved enough. That summer, I went with some friends to Thailand on holiday and I slept with three girls, something I never told her about. We stayed together for a few more months and she did the same with my friends, who then told me about it. I left her for good. Nevertheless, I have never held a grudge, I think I really wanted, but she was a faithless person by nature. What I appreciate is that my friends opened my eyes. I would have been much angrier if I had been mocked by a “horny” cheater.
"I regret not having told him" Sergio, 35, lawyer
If I got to find out about something now, I would act differently. I got along great with two co-workers who then got engaged and eventually married. He was and is a great guy, in fact we are still friends even though I still feel a little bad about not having had more courage to tell him what many people knew about. She was not as noble as she looked. In fact, I never liked her as she was a too ambitious girl. He soon went to work for another company where I incidentally had a couple of acquaintances. Two months later, she bundled with the chief, who was an older guy and a quite unpleasant one, but he had a lot of money. I was going with them for dinner once in a while and I was sick of seeing him so excited about it and talking about having children. Her aunt was a cynical woman, who led an incredible double life. But guys are sometimes too discreet for that, we do not like getting into people's lives to avoid trouble. After a year without knowing anything about them, I learned that they had separated because of her infidelities as an acquaintance had told him about them (much less a friend than me). I was told he forgave her and wanted to try it again, but it was she who said no. And I'm glad, because he was far more valuable than her in every way and he has now remade his life with a wonderful woman. But I regret not having told him and not having been surer about it. Also, he called to ask me if I knew and I know he was quite disappointed to learn that I had not said anything.
"My friend did not believe me" Silvia, 29, stylist
I am now very glad about having told my friend that I had seen her boyfriend with someone else, but she did not believe and only said that I imagined things. But I knew very clearly what I had seen. I thought I should give it more time (something I thought I should not tell her because I would look too hard). We spent several days without speaking and I had to leave to stay with the two of them together. Things were very weird because he wanted to prove to her that I was jealous of her, although things were completely different. Still, I knew she was doing very badly, I was confused and I was very suspicious about something going wrong. So, I thought I should not postpone it anymore, so I did not stay idle because I knew he had a double life with another girl (there was one of those amazing coincidences in life). What I did was stay with my friend in a place where I knew he would be going with the other. I made sure that they could not figure it out in order to avoid an unpleasant scene, but it happened. She made a terrible injury, but immediately apologized and thanked me for opening her eyes. Then she could see what a liar and a despicable person he was. After this, she asked me not to keep anything away from her if it ever came to this kind of things and I promised her I would do this.
"I preferred to say nothing" Marta, 39, professor
A couple of years ago, one of my college friends bundled with a student. I found out accidentally, when they went to visit a relative in a town where I found my chance of escape. At first glance, it might seem something of a scandal, because he was married with two children, but always seemed a good, honest and noble man and he had never before had an affair with a student. For me, it was uncomfortable hearing this, I would have been better if I had not known, when I saw them, I did not want to judge them, but I could not help it. So I did not take a stand as much as possible, something which they should have found shocking because we had a very good relationship and we sometimes ate together. On the one hand, I felt sad because he thought all men were equal, "they always end up cheating on their partner with a younger woman." But, then, I could not hate them as I saw two very good people. Now I'm glad to have been low, because a few months after, he separated from his wife and he married the girl a year later. Things would have been a lot more complicated if I had told them about it.
Waiting? Reasons for and against
We have also asked our respondents to give us reasons for and against having an extra-marital affair:
Yes
When it comes to a close personal friend and you are absolutely sure you know (Freedom, 29 years old)
When it comes to someone who is constantly cheated on and everyone knows it except for him / her (Gemma, 29 years old)
When that person trusts you, you have to tell them (Santi, 30 years old)
When someone is going to get married or take an important step with someone who is cheating on them (John 31 old)
When cheating is lying or doing something wrong to another person or when you are accused of being crazy for imagining things (Laura, aged 27)
When you have confidence to speak directly about whom they cheated on you with and you can tell it is them who should tell their partner (Sara, 33 years old)
I would like him to tell me, I would die if he publicly cheated on me (Elena, 26 years old)
No
When you're not 100% sure of what you saw (Luis, 34 years old)
When it comes to something that you heard and not seen yourself (July, 34 years old)
When you have no confidence win a person or you do not know them (Patricia, 28 years old)
When you do not know if this is an isolated case of infidelity (Leire, 30 years old)
When you're not sure why that person cheated. Maybe they were not happy, they were in love with
another, his / her partner did not treat them well, their partner does the same ... (Carlos, 29 years old)
Never get into the lives of others (Raul, 31 years old)
For me, infidelity is not so important, it can happen to everyone and if my spouse is cheating on me, I’d
rather not know because I wouldn’t have to get over it (Laura, aged 32)
If my spouse has cheated on me but decided to follow me, I prefer not to hear, especially if from a third
party (Javier, 36 years old)
If my girlfriend deceived me, I would not like to hear it from others (Oscar, 35 years old)
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