Couples on the Verge of Separation

We come to separation, but do we really want to get separated?

We often hear people complaining about their relationship, but they also claim that they cannot get separated.

Generally, the decision is made because something breaks and the two express the desire to materialize the separation after getting professional divorce help.

The first question that arises at this point is whether you can go through a separation and if you can handle the suffering. On the other hand, it is also questionable if the two really want to get separated.

In some cases, the dissolution of the relationship extends beyond the time expected. This shows the difficulty to make the cut, which will surely bring new opportunities to everyone.

Making the cut involves mourning and starting to feel that something has changed and this is very painful.

It also involves making the decision and moving from words to deeds. Finally, making the cut means occupying a new place in the social environment and having a different appreciation of family and friends.

However, not all couples move to dissolution and to breaking up in court. Many like the repetition of scenes and the criticisms and misunderstandings that make up the relationship.

In these cases, the separation is completed.  But if it is, it can cause long-term suffering for the whole family.

In these cases, it is very useful to go to a professional consultation or to get divorce advice for women and men in order to clarify the situation and prevent the occurrence of psychological disorders in the family. Usually, the children are the ones who have a very significant reaction to what happens to their parents.

The Art of Breaking Up When You're Parents

A breakup is never easy. Things get even more complicated when children are involved.

The stakes are bigger and so is the risk of conflict. Fortunately, it is possible to live through a separation by reducing the family crisis. Psychologist Holy Father Francis explains how.

The arrival of a child and the breakup

The very coming of a first child can trigger a rupture. "In most relationships, the birth of a child, especially the first, greatly changes the lives of couples", says St. Father Francis, psychologist specializing in couples therapy, family mediator and author. "The spouses have less time to be together, to talk and share activities other than daily chores. In the early days especially, fatigue is experienced, there is lack of patience and the frequency of sex decreases. Having a baby is certainly the largest project of a couple, but it can be very hard for them”, the psychologist admits.

Family mediation

Generally, most issues of separation are large - including children -, more partners being likely to work hard to avoid it and turning to divorce help. However, it sometimes becomes inexorable. How to alleviate the suffering of children when this happens? St Francis Father thinks they should not take them hostage. The psychologist also invites all parents to take up family mediation. "The family mediator is there to help partners make a clear break, without bias. In addition, it is a free service", he says.

The announcement of the breakup

"Ideally, parents should wait until the end of the school year to announce their breakup. Thus, children have all summer to adjust to this new situation, before the new school year starts. If it is not possible, parents should announce the separation during the weekend rather than during the week. The announcement should always be made by both parents and they should not blame each other", says St. Father Francis. He also suggests reading “The couple broke. Rebuild the break itself”, a book written by Dr. Christophe Faure, who discusses in detail how to announce the separation to the children.

Separation

Here are some tips to soften the breakup for the child:

- Listen to them and encourage them to express their sadness, anger and fears
- Stick to their daily routine as much as possible, in order not to further destabilize the situation
- Remind them that they are not responsible for the situation
- Help them understand and accept that failure as final
- Reassure them that both parents still love them despite the separation
- Do not speak ill of the absent parent
- Avoid using the child to send personal messages to the other parent

You can also look for more separation divorce advice and make sure that things are easy as possible for the child.

The Breakup With Males

Men cause only 25% of breakups. What are the reasons that push a relationship to an end and how to react when you are left? Here is some useful basic divorce help to make it easier for you from the very beginning.

If the rupture is difficult to live with, it is still possible to limit the damages. Psychologists Helene Baril and Father St Francis explain how.

The shock of the breakup

Men generally question their relationships more than women. This is what the psychologists interviewed have observed. This would explain why many of them are shocked by the announcement of a breakup. "Some men are very distressed when they realize that it's serious and that their partner will really leave. There are some who are doing everything to hang on, but it's often too late", says psychologist Father Francis St, a specialist in couples therapy and family mediator.

He advises couples to take the time to separate. "It is not about letting the other hope, but rather about allowing them to get used to the idea that it's over," he says. The psychologist also noted that it is important to explain the reasons for separation clearly.

Men generally take breakups harder than women. The fact of not having had time to solve the problems could lead to feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and even, depression. Men also tend to get involved in another relationship soon after a breakup.

The leak before a breakup

"When they are dissatisfied with their relationship, many men will prefer to flee - in work, sports or with a mistress - rather than break up," says psychologist Helen Baril, specializing in marital therapy at the Center Psychology of Old Longueuil.

"Generally, men tend to shift their relationship and be more distant and disagreeable. Instead of saying that it's over, they will make their wives’ life difficult. Subconsciously, it saves them from having to bear the guilt of the breakup on their shoulders", says Father Francis.

What causes men to end a relationship? "The sexual dissatisfaction in many cases," said Father Francis St. The incompatibility of personalities would also be among the main causes of male failure.

The best ally over time

Is it possible to break into harmony after sharing years of common life? "I would say it is difficult to speak of harmony, especially at first. However, it is possible to break less wildly, "admits St. Francis Father. The psychologist Helene Baril concurs: "A rupture causes a lot of emotions. It is a moment of crisis when the partners are not always rational. It is not easy to live, even for the person who made the decision", she says.

Tips for a successful break and basic separation, divorce advice

- Do not split in a hurry.
- Explain the reasons for the failure clearly.
- Do not blame the other. "This only accentuates the conflict. Instead of trying to find a culprit, I suggest to
  everyone to reflect on their share of responsibility for this failure. The separation may then serve as a tool
  for change, "says Helene Baril.
- Verbalize the emotions. This is an important step in therapy. "Men, for example, often lack a confidant
  apart from their wives. During the break, it becomes even more important for them to see someone who
  will listen", said Father Francis St.
- Do not say anything. "Sometimes people tend to say everything, but I advise my clients to always wonder
  what the impact on the other, for example, may be", says Helene Baril.
- Choosing the right time. Do not start talking about the separation before leaving for the office or from the
  door.

How to Talk to Children

Divorce is a painful ordeal for children. Caution is needed in order not to inflame an already delicate situation. Here is Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun’s advice, a pediatrician’s.

Unambiguously explain the separation

The announcement of a divorce is often preceded by a period of tension in the family. Even if children do not yet know their parents’ decision, they feel this conflict and suffer because of it. We must therefore explain the separation, put it into words that calm the children’s fears, so here is some so-called divorce advice for men and women related to this aspect. "Theoretically, the ideal situation is to explain the separation when all the children and both parents are present, so that all hear the same speech", said Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. Often, children witness the disputes and feel guilty and responsible for the parental discord. Everything has to be clear from this point of view: "The first thing to explain is that a man and a woman can no longer love each other, but their love for their children remains unchanged," says the pediatrician.

Speak clearly about the future

The young children need strong benchmarks. A divorce inevitably changes their lifestyle, so parents should enlighten them about their daily lives to come as much as possible. "We need to talk about concrete aspects of their life: what room they will have, what school they will be registered in", says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. Explaining the rotation pattern is just as important: "The child must know when they will be with their father and when they will be with their mother, not to mention that they need to know how will spend their birthdays or Christmas: they are moments of their lives and they need to build them". In older children, teens especially, the situation is somewhat different. Everything depends on the relationship that parents have with them and they generally have more freedom of choice. But again, divorce does not mean no rules. "While the teen may choose their type of guard, you have to be careful not to be more permissive than the other parent. A framework is also needed".

Do not denigrate the other parent

Sometimes, the parents’ disagreement is such that the reconciliation is difficult and resentment and hatred can complicate the explanations given to children. "Of course, the best thing to do is not to criticize each other", says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun. But this is not always simple. " We should try to separate the man or woman of her parenting when speaking to the children. He / she has made mistakes towards the other adult, but must preserve their role as a parent: he / she remains a good father / mother. "It is human nature to criticize your spouse when the divorce goes wrong, in spite of all the legal divorce advice, but you should try to do it with your friends, away from the children. "I know it's sometimes very difficult to manage, says Elizabeth Martin-Lebrun, but the adult must show the child that they remain the center of their life and not just by saying so, but also by showing strong signs of love.”

How to Initiate a Divorce

Initiating a divorce is a delicate process, even after you have made the decision. Nevertheless, whatever your situation is, the divorce procedure is standardized.

Seeking a lawyer is mandatory for any divorce proceedings. Do not hesitate to meet with several lawyers and take into consideration the fact that it is all free.

A divorce is a close matter: it is essential to get along with the lawyer who defends you in the divorce case.

To start a divorce, one spouse must apply for their opening through their lawyer. It is optional to specify the reason.

There are several ways in which you can get divorced:

- Divorce by mutual consent (you start to agree on the consequences of the divorce such as the partition of property, of goods, the amount of the alimony, the custody of children ...)
- Acceptance of divorce by marriage breakdown (the judge decides the consequences);
- Fault divorce (one spouse has violated duties and obligations of marriage in a serious way and repeatedly: they abandoned their home, violence, adultery, etc ...);
- Divorce for irretrievable marriage (at the request of one spouse alone).

You must then meet in a conciliation trial. You must be aware of everything that happens during the trial and you should also be aware of the court proceedings.

In this stage, the judge may decide to take interim measures to ensure the proper sustenance of each party involved in the trial:

- Separate residence;
- Enjoyment of family housing;
- Interim support;
- Mediation measures, etc. ...

In the case of a divorce by mutual consent or acceptance by the breakdown of marriage, the judge's role is to verify that the spouses really agree with the divorce. The divorce decree is pronounced at the first hearing if the court accepts the agreement settling the consequences of divorce.

In other cases, you must file an application for the commencement of the proceeding, in which you specify whether you choose a fault divorce or a divorce for irretrievable marriage. You need to send this application to your spouse, through a bailiff, a summons for divorce. Justify your approach in this document, specify the type of divorce you want and your requests in terms of consequences, the pensions divorce and all those financial fights starting now.

Finally, in order to finalize the divorce proceedings, you must present evidence to substantiate those facts. However, there are no people to testify in a divorce case.

The judge then pronounces the divorce and tells you how things proceed from then on.

Divorce Market

There are already websites of firms that offer advice and services for divorces at attractive prices or agencies that buy bank loans after a separation.

But have you ever heard of a "list of divorce" or agencies that handle breakup for you and spare you of the trouble of figuring out how to divorce? Still confidential services in this area are increasing and should eventually become widespread.

Distribution of property

The bride and groom traditionally open a wedding list. Now, to initiate a chain of stores English, separating couples can have their "list of divorce."

This new service was launched by Debenhams which has stores throughout Great Britain. It allows divorcees to be offered gifts to build a new home for singles, such as linens, electrical appliances, TVs, Stereo ...

"Divorce can be expensive and with a list of divorce, family and friends can help each of the former to start a new life", says Peter Moore, head of sales for the chain. "In a divorce, one of two left the marital home and did nothing of what they needed to do for their new home".

A divorce is something to celebrate

Because many people view divorce as synonymous with failure, attemps are made to try and ward off disaster. According to Debenhams, the list of divorce has been launched at a time when the greeting cards as well as receptions for divorce are gaining in popularity.

In Brighton, United Kingdom, Faye Millar Baker's is riding this trend and offers divorce cakes for men or women wishing to celebrate a new beginning. Her creations, which cost between 65 and 900 euros, aim to encourage young divorced people to have a positive attitude towards the failure of their marriage .

Divorce party

In France, where there are 54 divorces per 100 marriages (57 divorces in Germany and 71 in Belgium, for example), agencies have smelled the seam and created an trend by throwing divorce parties. Julie Vincent and Rebecca Hazan, founders of the agency The WOF (Wedding out Factory), organize parties for divorced people (Between 50 and 100 euros per person).

This trend came straight from the United States and has met more and more success all over Europe: "We do not want to take advantage of the distress, but it is the right moment for doing business", said Rebecca Hazan. "This is not to trivialize the event. But used to organizing parties, we wanted to put our know-how on the market for all those wishing to mark this shift."

Agency failure

Marriage agencies bring customers to get married, but have decided to separate them!

So if you want to break up with your boyfriend, but you do not have the courage, Bernd Dressler, head of the Berlin agency Rupture (trennungsagentur.com) undertakes this for you and it works as a sort of divorce mediation. This contractor offers four packages ranging from 29.95 euros to 64.95 euros. The bad news can be announced over the phone, in writing or orally by Bernd Dressler himself.

Charged between 19 and 120 euros, the customer sets the tone for these packages in Switzerland, too: cuddly, firm or downright ruthless message.

Breaking up frequently

Another example of this trend is a divorce show which was held in Halifax, capital of the Canadian province of Nova Scotia this weekend. Another one will take place soon in Düsseldorf, Germany. These shows provide visitors with information on topics such as separation, children's education, property or pensions.

Maria Franks, Executive Director of the organization Legal Information Society of Nova Scotia and organizer of the divorce exhibition in Halifax, says that these shows allow visitors to be aware of the many aspects they have to consider during a divorce. Her salon proposed pit lawyers, hairdressers, estate agents, financial services and travel services, responsible dating sites and nutritionists. In short, enough to start a new life alone, but with all the necessary comforts.

Advice for Parents after Separation

Whatever the context, divorce remains a real upheaval in the lives of children, whatever their age. How can you protect your child after separation? This is the advice given to parents by Dr. Paul Bensussan.

What are the solutions or advice for parents after separation?

When it comes to divorce advice for men and women, Dr. Paul Bensussan says: In 'amicable' separations, arrangements for child care are the result of consultation between the parents, which may help alleviate the child’s distress. It is not the same at high conflict separations, in which there is conflict over the exercise of custody or visitation rights. It is therefore important to alleviate the child's fearful climate surrounding transitions.

The 'blues' on Sunday evening that even adults can feel is tenfold increased when the transition from one parent to another takes place in a hostile climate.  There may be  stony silence or an explosion of complaints such as delays due to traffic; cleanliness of the child; securing business class; or forgotten homework. In these cases, I gladly recommend more neutral transitions such as deploying the nanny or nursery, if the child does not attend school. It is much easier for the child than for the parent, to say goodbye at the gate of the school on a Monday morning ('mom it will get you tonight'), but this implies the willingness of both parents if the judge ordered the custodial parent's return home on Sunday evening. One is always free to dispense the rigid frame of the decision.  Moreover, as the children are older college students, transfers at transportation hubs makes life even easier.

During the weekends or holidays, we must also think about promoting contact - phone calls, sending postcards - between the child and the other parent. It is especially important that the child can censor the expression of a lack of fear of hurting the parent with whom they are. Telephone appointments can be determined in order to avoid the permanent telephone intrusion, quickly perceived as harassment. Then, the child wins: they know that this call is intended.

What are the solutions or advice for parents after separation? 

Finally, there are some things parents cannot find out when they go looking for legal divorce advice. We must resist the temptation to turn the child into a 'reporter' or a 'detective' by asking the least possible information about what is happening 'with the other'. Too many parents make these little mistakes which are a kind of dishonesty towards their children.

Remember the advice for a separate charge. Here is a list of tips and / or mistakes not to commit:

- Never forget that this child belongs to both of you;
- Never ask who they love more;
- Help them keep in touch with their other parent, too;
- Do not treat them as messengers;
- Let them see the other parent, too;
- Do not plan anything for the other parent’s time with the child;
- Do not treat the child like some sort of object;
- Do not fight when they are present;
- Do not say stuff they can’t see;
- Let them bring friends over;
- Agree on how they can spend money;
- Just make sure the child is happy;
- Don’t change their life too much; and
- Treat their grandparents nicely.

Although they may sometimes appear as angelic or utopian in a tense environment, this advice must be provided: everyone can measure the number of small faults such as clumsiness or others that may result from a children's sensitivity.  These can truly be attributed to the ordeal of separation.

Word of women: Storm Warning

Sibylle, 32, who lives in Angouleme, was not working and had 3 children ages 7, 5 and 2 years old.

My husband left me for a man 

"For several months, my husband was more attentive than ever: flowers, small gifts, especially when he was returning from a weekend (increasingly frequent) with his football team. One evening, he took me to dinner at a restaurant. He looked embarrassed. It was not his style. The conversation dragged. Towards the end of the meal, I started asking him whether there was anything wrong. When he told me, the sky fell on my head!  He had fallen completely in love with a young football player on his team and he wanted to live with him! I was mad. I fought to hide it. But he's gone. I wanted to send the gendarmes, and subsequently, took a lawyer. But they told me that nothing could be done. I became depressed. How to tell the kids? Desperate, I went to a shrink”.


Virginia, 47 years, with no children, lives in Bayonne.

The baby's layette 

"The classic story. A marriage with very few clouds. And it's getting later and later in the office. He has seminars on Saturday. And they even lasted the whole weekend! Here, I do not work. In fact, there was confusion because I did not understand. It was a colleague from office, eighteen years younger than me! He filed the papers for divorce because he wanted to have children with her, but she wanted to get married first. He said he would leave me and all we had in common. You bet! When we got to the concrete part of the procedure and had to make the list with our joint assets, he changed completely. It was not like him, but you didn’t need to be too smart to guess that he was completely manipulated. Whenever we saw each other, he came with new claims. For example, he wanted to return all the jewelry he gave me. I thought  I would crack several times. Fortunately, I had a good lawyer who supported me. In all cases, no more marriage. If it is to end up like this, it is just sad!


Sandra, 31, Paris region, one child a year and a half old, Secretary

I married a handsome stranger 

I was seduced by a German, who agreed to take a job in Chicago for me. Soon, we no longer agreed on anything. In fact, he could not stand the way people in Chicago worked or the work schedules in this region. In Germany, he was home at half past four. But we loved it. Three months after giving birth to my daughter, it was clear that the failure was complete. We started the divorce proceedings. And one day, getting the child to the nursery, the shock followed. He had taken the baby. I called my in-laws in Germany: they said they had no news from their son. Well, today I found him in Germany, where he started the divorce proceedings against me, accusing me of having abandoned my home! I filed a complaint for child abduction before the German courts. My American lawyer said I would always get custody of my daughter. But how soon? "

Word of Women: A Successful Divorce

Marianne, 51, lives in Troyes, 2 children, 17 and 13 years old, realtor
A successful separation 

"We decided to separate, my husband and I, because of the weariness of our life together. It happened very quickly. The procedure was initiated after 3 months after talking and the divorce after 10 months. It was so because we divorced by mutual consent. We both agreed on child custody and alimony. The lawyer was a mutual friend and he did exactly what we wanted and the judge followed.

Lucile, 32, lives in Paris, a 6-year-old child, controller
Alternating custody 

"We divorced by mutual consent five years ago. We had one child who was a toddler at the time.
Joint custody did not exist legally, and the judge gave me custody of Valentin. But my job required me to travel frequently. Fortunately, my ex-husband himself had a sedentary job and he had found a home not far from home. It is natural that we have come to the alternate residence, without appearing before the Family Court judge. We made decisions together: religion, education, type of education. It was not always obvious.
There are errors to avoid. E.g. Christmas or birthday together: when one parent leaves the child, they are confused and want them to stay. On the other hand, the child's father was not too good at caring for the child every day. He tended to see the gifts that he did not present, relying too much on the baby-sitter. But overall, I think it's a good solution for the child.

Anne, 27, lives in Roubaix, childless, decorator.
A former gold 

When he told me he wanted to regain his freedom, the sky fell on my head. And it was worse when I learned that he had shared his life with another woman for several years. But now I think it's an opportunity that presented itself to me. I had married just after high school and Yves was much older than me. In fact, he was the father I never had. I prolonged my childhood with him. I did not graduate. I have not worked. Yves had a lovely job and we did not need a second income. He felt guilty for not having pushed me to study. I now live with a boy of my age and I am very happy with him.

Christina, 74, lives in Vernon, 5 children, retired.
A new beginning at age 72

There was disagreement over a long time. First, we said we would leave after our last child’s departure. Then, my husband wanted to sell his cabinet. He is a doctor and I had been his assistant since he left the hospital to practice in a firm. But one would think we were masochistic and our daily shouting matches we had become essential to every term we had set. Finally, I made my decision when I learned that I could have enough to live decently, although I had never been declared. My husband kept our apartment in Evreux, and I went home at the countryside, where I am at ease among my roses, my children and grandchildren when they come on holiday.

The Invitation of a Psychoanalyst

Addictions in general such as alcoholism, bulimia, anorexia, smoking, gambling and other excesses that occur during a divorce, can generate dependence.  But anguish, anxiety, depression... are not "diseases", although some would have us believe that. These "conditions" sicken the subject, of course, but this does not mean they are diseases. They are "symptoms". Symptoms of somatic or mental suffering. Sometimes both.

Each event listed above shall be discussed as a "symptom" within the meaning assigned by subjective psychoanalysis. Jack Lacan said: "A symptom is what comes from reality."

According to the psychoanalyst, one is not there, only the sign of a disorder (medical) or a (mental) disturbance being there. It is, however, related to a conflict, a knot of meanings in arrears, something related to the subject or to their history and that is what the psychoanalyst has to work with. It is the memory of a traumatic event, a trauma suffered by the subject. Thus, a psychoanalyst’s purpose is to help the subject escape from a situation they cannot escape on their own. This often occurs after too much advice on how to divorce, after being dragged in court and an ugly divorce itself.

They say whatever comes into their head, that is to say, in short, everything that they reckon. There is talk without a predetermined conclusion, without having to judge what is useful or useless to say or need to target a particular purpose. The best thing to do in all situations is to talk.

This is a strange experience even after thirty-three years of practice... Usually, when something goes wrong, they have to become accustomed to it and if they do not understand or know what to do in that situation, they have to refer to another: mother, father, elder, friend, teacher, doctor, lawyer, priest, expert, judge, MP, just like it happens in case of a divorce or with divorce mediation. And they think, very naturally, that it's there for them. They have to think they are there for them and that these persons know what they don’t. They know. They know what they do not know. These persons will tell them why this is so for them, and even more, how to fix it. And they must take this into consideration.

Well, the Freudian invention is quite the contrary! Speak up, take the risk of speaking up. Speak with your own words and try to keep everything away from someone who is not there to help you. Try this experiment, you will find very quickly that your word will lead you somewhere. And it will not be in vain that you have had such courage. What is your symptom?

The Rupture in Women

In 75% of separations, women make the decision of leaving the other. What are the reasons that determine women to live separately and how do they break up? Answers and advice from psychologists Helene Baril and St. Francis Father attempt to mitigate the conflicts caused by separation.

Taming the idea of breaking up

"Women often share a dissatisfaction at the level of their relationship. After trying several strategies to improve the situation, they eventually give up and leave their spouse. Initially, the idea of separation is painful, but after a while, it becomes the solution", says Father Francis St, psychologist specializing in couples therapy and expert in divorce mediation. Thus, it would be rare for a woman to terminate a relationship on a whim.

The reasons why women break up vary. "In most cases, women feel neglected by their spouse. They bemoan the lack of communication, pleasure in marriage and no longer feel loved or appreciated," he says. The partner’s infidelity is also one of the main causes of separation. Other women evoke physical or psychological violence, alcohol or drug abuse or incompatible personalities or values.

Breaking Barriers

Many women experience guilt at the thought of being the one who makes the decision to break the couple. This is especially true when there are children in the background. Psychologist St Francis Father highlighted several obstacles in the way of separation. Here are a few:

-Personal beliefs with respect to separation. The fear of never being a couple, for example;
-Children. Some couples stay together for fear of hurting the children;
-The religious values;
-Social pressure and fear of being judged by the others;
-Low-esteem, and
-Financial dependence.

Time, the best ally

Is it possible to break into harmony after sharing years of common life? "I would say it is difficult to speak of harmony, especially at first. However, it is possible to break less wildly," admits St. Francis Father. Psychologist Helene Baril, specializing in marital therapy at the Center for Psychology of Longueuil, concurs: "A rupture causes a lot of emotions. It is a moment of crisis when the partners are not always rational. It is not easy to live, even for the person who made the decision," she says.

Tips for a successful breakup


Here are some tips on how to separate or on how to divorce:

- Avoid separating in a hurry;
- Explain clearly to the person left the reasons for the failure;
- Do not blame the other. "This only accentuates the conflict. Instead of trying to find a culprit, I suggest to
  everyone to reflect on their share of responsibility for this failure. The separation may then serve as a tool 
  for change," says Helene Baril.
- Verbalize their emotions. This is an important step in therapy, which can detach quietly. "Men, for example,
  often lack a confidant outside of their wives. During the break, it becomes even more important for them to
  see someone who will listen to them," said Father Francis St.
- Do not say anything. "Sometimes people tend to say everything, but I advise my clients to always wonder
  what the impact on the other may be," says Helene Baril.
- Choosing the right time. Do not start talking about the separation before leaving for the office or from the
  door.

Psychologists Helene Baril and Father Francis St highlight the many benefits of a "healthy" break. "If we took the time to stop and think about what caused the breakup and our share of responsibility, instead of just blaming the other, we would probably learn more about ourselves and generally make better choices later," says Helene Baril. If well done, the separation can also provide personal wellness and open new horizons for each partner. The breakup can be beneficial. Each partner must, however, allow time to solve the situation.

How to Recover After a Divorce

Recovering after a divorce is a long, bumpy process, so here is some divorce advice for men and women on the different phases one goes through.  Reviewing the list, you can see where you stand.

The different phases of reconstruction 

1 - The phase of depression: 

This is the first step, the more painful thing is to get over the grief, the pain of loss, loneliness, attention and criticism of children. Stand firm and do not stay alone, call your friends to the rescue.

To not renew the wound, make a physical and mental break with your ex, no phone calls, no meetings. It is very important to be able to recover and restore.

2 - The acceptance phase: 

Accepting is integrating your history.  It is not being angry and resentful or feeling guilty, nor is it not having regrets or feeling remorse. It is difficult, but it is not impossible! However, it takes time.  It's like a deep wound healing.  It is a genuine process of grieving for the former couple's relationship is similar to a psychic work of integration and regeneration.

3 - The phase "I assume I’ll get over": 

It is important to make an honest appraisal of your mistakes and of what went wrong in the relationship, not just blame the former partner!

The relationship has two ends as everyone has their share of responsibilities. Think of what attitudes were negative or toxic to the relationship. This will help you set new foundations and will prevent you from falling into the same traps.

4 - The phase of fear:

There can be a quite normal period of fear after a phase of well-being, in which you have overcome the legal and administrative challenges of divorce. The first and most ancient is the fear of the unknown. It is legitimate because not knowing what awaits us proves that we change our habits, we change our lives and that we do not control our future. You should take small steps and not get too upset, so take it easy.

The fear of living alone is the most classic. We hate returning to ourselves, our choices and our loneliness. Being a good companion for yourself teaches you to be stronger and to have more autonomy.

5 - The regeneration phase: 

This is the phase of rebirth, you find happiness in your ability, your ability to savor the small joys of the moment, you are finally positive!

Regardless of the divorce advice for women and men, the solutions are within us  We are our own healers, but sometimes we need help to rekindle the spark of life we need in order to survive.

Divorcing After the Holidays

- I do not know where I am ...
- There is nothing more to say ...
- I miss him ...

No doubt, your marriage is in crisis.

Should we rely on the holidays to pick up the pieces or to precipitate the break?

The holiday means relaxation and laziness. You have opened a space of liberty for reflection from the everyday rush that you experience throughout the year.

And you were determined to take stock of your marriage and calmly analyze the situation:

- Who is to blame?
- How did I get here?
- Why is there broken communication?
- What is my responsibility?
- Do I just need to breathe?

The discussion began at a restaurant or during a walk in a quiet place, away from children.

Did this conversation clarify the status of your relationship? What is your assessment now?

- You managed to resume to talks, good resolutions and commitments have been made on both sides.
   Bravo! You started off on the right foot. The holidays have indeed saved your marriage.

or:

- Despite all the efforts, no concessions have been made, everyone remained on their positions. It is the
  misunderstanding and failure that proved reconciliation impossible. Then, you're more determined than ever
  to tackle everything from the start. The holidays usually help you identify the problems in your relationship.

Have you taken advantage of the holidays to take a break?

A temporary separation of 8 or 15 days both of you agree with. Experience a true moment of solitude, without seeing each other, without calling each other.

Take a break in your relationship, step back, reflect on your marriage and measure the degree of attachment to one another.

- What are my feelings?
- That does this relationship bring?
- What do we share?

How did you experience this separation? What is your assessment of this experience?

- You have clarified your feelings and you wait to find that special someone. If you are married, you are
   thinking of how to divorce. Back at home, you've decided to make a clean sweep of past quarrels and
   pursue an adventure for two.

or:

- The single life has seduced you and you felt free at last. Under these circumstances, it is clear that the
   reunion did not go very well. You only have one thing in mind and that is accelerating the separation
   procedure.

When a couple is struggling, there is no magic formula for picking up the pieces, but it is important that everyone is convinced that they have tried everything to revive the love. Thus, the decision to sever is not taken on a whim. It is thoughtful and it will facilitate the future efforts with regard to your separation or all those things like divorce mediation and alimony stuff.

10 Basic Principles to Overcome Your Divorce

Divorce is not the end of the world!

1. Do not confuse divorce and failure 

Everyone has the right to make mistakes. You suffer, it's normal, but it is always possible to start a new life together starting afresh on a sounder footing. This may take time, but it is possible, others have done it, so why can't you!

2. Express your emotions 

Do not bottle up your emotions. You are going through a period of intense stress. Do not bury your anger, your sorrow, your fears, but remember that these can serve as allies: these emotions will take you to new insights that help you rebuild your life.

3. Take advantage of this crisis to take stock of your love life

Be honest with yourself in a divorce and don’t throw the blame on the other one, try to take stock of what went wrong, of your needs and deepest desires, of your reactions. This development can transform you and the more you can avoid making the same mistakes in your future relationships.

4. Do not feel guilty! it is useless if you weaken yourself! 

Be your own ally. Once the decision is made, do not regret it as there is nothing worse than feeling guilty. You've faced this situation as you could, that's all!

5. Feel free to talk, share with others who have experienced the same thing as you! 

It's very good for your morale to realize that you are not the only one in the world to experience this horror and this will help you a lot more!

6. You suffer terribly, you feel lonely, misunderstood 

Do not hesitate to consult a professional psychologist, marriage counselor or another. It helps put things flat and helps with not dramatizing the situation.Therefore, get any kind of divorce help from wherever you can.

7. Take time to pamper yourself and relax 

In order not to get overwhelmed by stress or grief, take care of yourself by doing physical activity, yoga or take up swimming, relaxation therapy or practicing a hobby that can disconnect you from your problems.

8. Take a job if you can

Nothing is worse than turning around alone with your concerns. In many cases, women who work overcome their divorce better because they are different from a social point of view. Monsieur!

9. Try to stay positive 

Once a crisis is over, it resets the counters and gives you the opportunity to start again. Life is not static, it is in perpetual motion and it has a lot of questions. Crises, as difficult and painful as they are, often provide real opportunities for personal growth and rebirth.

10. You have finally accepted the ordeal you've been through. 

Bravo! It means that you have done your mourning of your old relationship and that you have taken into account all the separation divorce advice you got. Now, you are ready for another one.

Separation and Divorce

Along with death and the declaration of death, divorce is one of three ways in which you can dissolve a marriage. Given the importance of these issues, it is essential that, before acting, you seek professional advice from a lawyer. If you are sufficiently informed, you can now hire the services on the Internet when it comes to separation or divorce by mutual consent or through litigation.

Then examine the causes, the kinds and effects of divorce.

Following the Civil Code reform implemented in July 2005, the spouses can choose either separation or divorce, without need to login to request the separation, and then, the divorce. They can dissolve the marriage directly.

For the divorce to occur, you must have sufficient proof that three months from the marriage have passed without having to rely on any grounds justifying the request.

As in the case of separation, the divorce can be made by mutual agreement or there can be a contentious divorce, in which you cannot give "facts".

In the judicial separation by mutual consent, the trial is quick and easy. The demand has to be followed by a regulatory agreement which must be ratified and which must contain information concerning the agreements reached regarding the guardianship and the custody of children, visitation, pensions, family home use, etc. This demand may be presented by both spouses or by one of them with the consent of the other.

The judge and prosecutor serve the interests of the child and respect the agreements signed by the spouses.

If one spouse does not have the consent of the other, the demand does not have to be accompanied by any regulatory agreement and there is no need for any divorce grounds. However, it is necessary to have passed at least three months of marriage.

It is necessary for this period to have elapsed if there is no risk to life, freedom, physical or moral integrity or sexual freedom.

As for the contentious separation, the procedure is long and complex and it reaches high costs, both economically and personally for both parties. Depending on the circumstances, you can get separated before getting divorced, as there is a call for interim measures that set the financial situation of the spouses on the right track (matrimonial expenses) until the conclusion of the divorce proceedings.   When it comes to the children  interim measures can include: allocation of parental rights, of the guardianship and custody of children, visitation and communication, and alimony.
A divorce dissolves the marriage bond altering the status of those who until then were spouses and who are now allowed to contract a new marriage.

This involves dissolution of the loss of inheritance rights between spouses; the loss of pension for widows, as well as direct obligations of marriage; the duties of aid and loyalty; commitment to ensure the interests of the family; and the obligation to pay maintenance among other matters.

The rupture of this bond does not affect the obligations of the spouses to their children as they arise in the family relationship and not in the marriage itself.

Is Revenge the Only Way?

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth? Revenge leads to revenge and this is an endless spiral. You have to become the master of your reactions.

Getting revenge for a small insult will make you suffer even more. Those who spend their time looking for revenge do not do anything for themselves. But what happens next? Stick to protecting yourself and to making sure that no one can do you any harm. Any vengeance on your part will strengthen your attacker and make them more successful and will damage your prestige among the others. Any revenge diverts you from your goals, you will always be angry, you will lose your coolness and you will make irreparable mistakes. In urging you to get revenge, people take you wherever they want. By seeking vengeance, you are no better than your attacker.

Revenge is the last resort of the weak. Those who know nothing, do not see it coming because they cannot. They may be attacked and the attack may fail, leading the attacker to find a better way to hurt the person in question. The failure of revenge is inevitable because it is impossible to go back in time. Those who avenge themselves suffer because they do not accept the reality.

Revenge is hell, rage, anger, and fury. Yet, who would avenge the collapse of the roof, the leaking pipe, the rock they stunble upon? What we do is learn to strengthen the roof, to clean the pipes, and watch out we walk. We need to know the world in order to protect ourselves against its dangers. This is an act of wisdom.

It is the same with the people we meet. We must know their nature in order to protect ourselves from their revenge, which is far from giving a lesson to another. In fact, vengeance only adds more damage to the harm done. It will generate even more resentment and thus, the person will be more willing to harm you. As for our eventual position of strength that would justify our action, remember that what goes around turns around and powerful allies can turn against you and crush you. Revenge may not always be successful and this frustration can sometimes result in violence.

If you learn that someone wants to harm you, take the front, hide your projects, and schedule backup solutions. In short, counter their bad action. Reverse their attempt. When one has pulled it off, it is too late to ask for revenge. There is more to stand up  for.  Let them continue their journey.

What Will Become of Me If My Relationship Is Over?

It is almost impossible to overstate the level of anxiety and feelings of failure associated with an emotional breakdown that comes with the end of a relationship.

Besides the pain of a separation or divorce, many are faced with the fear of being judged by society and this is where their anguish ads and what makes them feel like aliens for having ended a relationship which they probably should not have ended.

In many cases, feelings of failure and guilt are also experienced by those whose relationships have ended due to the death of their spouse. It is very common that people also experience a strong sense of loss after the dissolution of the relationship, apart from feelings of failure.

The meaning, connection and membership are very real and basic desires of the human condition itself. For women, the relationship may even represent their own identity and their position in certain communities as they can be totally defined by their relationship. The truth is that an emotional breakdown is hard to bear and it can get to play an important role in terms of reducing their self-worth and self esteem when it comes to women. This is because a women's sense of being is directly linked to the quality of their relationships with others.

So, what to expect when the relationship ends?

 If the relationship ends by mutual agreement and the decision is accepted by both parties in an amicable manner, the parties will undoubtedly experience pain, but the feelings of failure and guilt will be lower. The sense of loss will be much greater if the relationship ends due to death or as a result of incompatibility, infidelity, anger, hostility, emotional or physical abuse, etc.

The truth is that the feelings associated with the dissolution of the relationship may lead the individual to revive certain aspects of an earlier stage in their life, probably when a teenager, when the person was just getting interested and socialized with the opposite sex.  It is during this stage when a person has their first real experiences of anxiety and uncertainty about the interest that may or may not wake up in others.

The breakup becomes very difficult for women especially when it has already entered into the full time period, i.e. past 35 years. This is because, from a cultural perspective, women have grown convinced that feeling fulfilled requires the presence of a man in her life. Therefore, one ends up believing that if they do not have someone to share their life with, it is better to get someone before it is too late.

Many women who do not have a partner for either a short or long period of time, certainly did not plan their lives around that way, but what is important to remember is that the way in which a woman decides to turn her life during and the periods of time that she chooses can determine her own self-growth or regression.

Throughout history, women have always showed great emotional strength and courage during difficult times, but when a woman enters a relationship, perhaps for purely cultural reasons, she begins to rely on the man’s strength.  Thus, when the relationship ends, either by separation, divorce or death, she begins to feel that her ability to cope with this situation emotionally is diminished and thus she cannot be given an opportunity to continue growing as an individual.

Given this reality, what can then make the woman? Well, we could say there are two possible ways:

 1)   She can go find a new partner immediately, which in fact is not the most recommended as she is not  
       ready emotionally and almost always runs the risk of accepting someone who may end up causing her 
       more pain than relief; and,

 2)   She can take the time to address the situation while planning her own way through her personal
       growth, giving the possibility of again becoming an independent and self-confident individual.

Once she has reached this point through the acquisition of certain important skills, they will also be useful when the time comes that she decides to start a new relationship, so they can feel safe enough, if they wish, to find the right person for this part of their life and have a relationship that really makes them feel satisfied and fulfilled.

The Day After Separation

The marital breakup can be one of the most difficult trances through which a human being goes. Recovery is not easy and it depends on each case.  The following suggestions may be of significant help and can work as very good divorce help.

Many years were shared, but the unpredictable finally happened. No matter how painful it may be, the first step to recovery shall be to recognize that the relationship is over. In order to achieve a faster recovery, it will be crucial to replace the bad feelings with memories of good times. Also, if there is any particular matter that has not been resolved, try to conclude it as soon as possible.

Perhaps, the first time is not right for having contact with other people. Internal reflection on these opportunities can be a better option than having to deal with those tips that can ease the pain of separation a little.

A good way to download all those negative feelings that remain in your soul is to get a diary and write everything you are feeling. The very act of writing is a good way to express your feelings without having to disclose them to a neighbor.

But above all, you can streamline many of your thoughts.  Do not let your feelings interfere with the true vision of the situation and deal with clearer, realistic guidelines. Also, avoid dwelling on what went wrong, until you feel that you have actually reached a quiet and emotional maturity, which lets you see the mistakes made by you and your partner more broadly.

Some days later, once you feel you have succeeded in achieving some internal stability, get in contact with your friends, even with those you have not talked to in a long time, since it is essential to be supported by good friends in order to complete any recovery. Allow yourself to mourn. The friends, who are around, will help a lot with this. It makes no sense to express a wish not to disclose your feelings, but it is important to know that the more honest and sincere you are, the more relief you feel.

Once you achieve these two objectives, namely some emotional stability and when you succeed in expressing your problems to your friends, you can start moving on. In order to do this, it would not hurt to take some walks, eat chocolate, enjoy a good holiday and watch the movies you like best or do something to enjoy.

For this, it is also very convenient to attend festivals, films or theater and do those things that you could not do while in the commitment of the relationship. This will help you find the positive side of the break.

If you still see that you are unable to recover or you feel increasingly depressed, you might consider joining a support group or taking up psychoanalysis and get all the separation divorce advice there is. Do not make decisions or do anything that you might subsequently regret. Note that many of the things that you are going through are temporary, but several of the decisions you make will have an inevitable consequence in the future.

Although it sounds like a cliché, note that there is also an opportunity in every crisis. Perhaps this painful separation was the break you needed in order to know the true love of your life. So, start preparing to meet new people as soon as possible, to have more outings with your single friends, to take a course you are interested in and so on. In short, give yourself the chance to experience new relationships. Life has much more to offer.

She Left Home

Not only do women face the same stone twice, but they also sometimes say that we are all equal.

Many men have had a partner they stayed with for twenty-four hours a day and when they finally heard the wedding bells ringing for them, everybody sighed in sign of relief for them, their children, neighbors and therapists.

Then, when starting a new relationship, a man who falls in love totally lives with the hope that everything lasts this time and he is willing to listen, to meet his wife’s needs and to pay attention in order to make the relationship work. He invests energy, affection, stress, time, money and all his illusions.

But a study conducted in 2004 showed that males can do whatever they want, but the day comes when something goes wrong, but they do not know what it is. Until yesterday, he was this skinny Tom Cruise, Messiah, or Prince Charming.  Your doctor of the soul suddenly wakes up today looking like an Eskimo.  He thinks “What did I do wrong?” and then the guy is worth less to her than a wastebasket or a bug she found in her clothes.

Until last week, she would have asked him to go with her and plant some roses on a mine field in Iraq so that she would not feel alone. Today, however, she needs air, space. She does not even see the kid’s photo on the identity card and his very name becomes a contagious virus for her.

Then, she packs her bags and whistles softly, heading to a place where she is supposed to find her inner peace (which God knows where she lost) and to find herself.

What did Romeo and Juliet do to deserve this? Nothing, but she does not know what happened and does not plan to discover the truth with him. He's all man and can be left alone.

Your friends can reassure you: it is the crisis (the age is also relevant) and, according to the Buddhist human stages provided by the Congolese and the prophecies of mud crabs (horoscope animal), which she handles very well.

Meanwhile, the one who is left stays stifled by uncertainty and gloom, turns on the radio and listens to music, begging the treacherous butterfly again and finally has to change the station because the songs have brought him back some unwanted memories.

What happens to women today?

I tell you: there is too much snake oil in big cities and the female imagination is dazzled by it. The interminable adolescence that affects them keeps them from living the eternal love without utopias.

A new marriage is not only about tachycardia and a multiple orgasm: it is also about coexistence, concern, the shared struggle to fix the pipe that is broken and resolving controversial situations, such as the dollar knowing an increase of three hundred per cent and the salaries being cut down.

If Women Get Separated

Women who want to separate from their husbands have lots of questions. If there are small children involved, the main question has to do with the maintenance.

It is not always the men who want to separate. Women also take this step but they hesitate much longer than men, for good reason.

The separation from a woman’s perspective

Women in most of the countries earn less than men without almost any exception. According to the new divorce law, they are basically responsible for themselves after the divorce. The consequences can be serious if they choose their professional life instead of their children. However, this is the explanation for the high unemployment figures. Nevertheless, there are options.

Financial security after the separation

This is a subject of agreement after the separation. The amount due is calculated after receiving legal advice. Women are afraid of separating because they can earn money having small children. Therefore, they need to get legal divorce advice. Panic is always wrong. There is help available in almost all situations.

Error in the separation

The question of liability is the main error. Any discussion that runs through the lawyers costs everyone a lot of money. They both agree that the date of separation has come, so no one should assert their interests with force.

Move out or stay

The woman should remain next to her children because this is in the best interest of the child. The assumption is that the cost can apply for the apartment or house maintenance. Sometimes, they both have to move out  because no one can keep the apartment any longer. If the house is common good, it should be sold as quickly as possible to attenuate the costs.

Rights and obligations after the separation

It serves all stakeholders, and especially the children, when both parents seek financial independence as soon as possible. Women with very young children are often at the mercy of their ex-husbands in such cases, but there is a lot of divorce advice for women in this situation to help them overcome the difficulties.

Lawyer or no lawyer?

The future ex-spouses can hire a common lawyer, which minimizes the costs, but rarely works. A lawyer's advice is always useful in order to preserve the rights of both. If the two cannot agree on their goods and on their division, it is compulsory for them to get a lawyer.

Who retains what after the separation?

The ex-partners may begin to argue about the furnishings and such cases often land in court. Those who absolutely cannot reach an agreement and who are not ready to give can only be calmed down by the legal fees. It is often better to remember the good and bad times even after separation as they can allow you to do different things.

The rights of the children

Today, both parents often retain the education authority for the children. This means that all important decisions must be discussed. This principle is for the welfare of the children.  One should only try to get sole custody in exceptional cases.