When the Daughter Replaces the Paternal Love

Many unmarried or separated mothers worry that their daughters seek love relationships just to replace the absent parent. Here are some keys to understand and accompany them in their growth.

Many recently separated single mothers raising their children alone fear the fact that their children may want to get involved in love relationships in order to make up for their other parent’s absence.

Not being present when they grow, a father figure tends to be blurry for girls and they feel that their parents no longer love them.

When they reach adolescence, they embark on a journey that will help them really understand who their father is or is not. This process helps to form realistic expectations, which may prove to be painful and disappointing.

The essence of adolescence is establishing a person’s identity, establishing a sense of selfness as separate and distinct from the parents as possible.Therefore, there is no a priori reason to fear this process as it can also be an opportunity to strengthen the daughter’s identity.

They should work on their feelings for their father so that they can choose better relationships, not worse ones. While it may be true that the father loves his children as much as he can, although he was not present at their growth, it is also painful for him that he apparently has not been able to put his children’s needs first.

It is necessary to restrain the children so that they can develop and manage the situation as well as possible and, in order to do this, he must be careful not to project his own despair, frustration and fear onto them, as they probably cannot handle that situation.

Also, be aware of the possibility that your own anxieties can change the way your child judges the situations they are faced with. For example, you might react badly to one little boyfriend or to your daughter going out, which are normal things when she is an adolescent, just because you think she can handle the situation. Really, she probably can’t.

In other words, beware of projecting what you feel and what happens to you onto your daughter, as it is often unrelated to what is actually happening to her.

Do not underestimate her and help her find her pain.  Identify her feelings, needs and everything she wants for her welfare. Believe in her, as well as in her ability to form healthy relationships.

Her ability to face the reality of the relationship she has with her father, plus the love and support she is given is something that is going to strengthen. Your daughter’s identity is not formed by her father’s actions, but they can help her understand herself.

Children only need a good parent to develop healthily. Even if you are willing to discuss their feelings and develop their own ability to become stronger and you are consistent in your discipline, your child will not have any reason to replace a family bond with a teenager. Instead, they will simply enjoy their dates.