The Art of Breaking Up When You're Parents

A breakup is never easy. Things get even more complicated when children are involved.

The stakes are bigger and so is the risk of conflict. Fortunately, it is possible to live through a separation by reducing the family crisis. Psychologist Holy Father Francis explains how.

The arrival of a child and the breakup

The very coming of a first child can trigger a rupture. "In most relationships, the birth of a child, especially the first, greatly changes the lives of couples", says St. Father Francis, psychologist specializing in couples therapy, family mediator and author. "The spouses have less time to be together, to talk and share activities other than daily chores. In the early days especially, fatigue is experienced, there is lack of patience and the frequency of sex decreases. Having a baby is certainly the largest project of a couple, but it can be very hard for them”, the psychologist admits.

Family mediation

Generally, most issues of separation are large - including children -, more partners being likely to work hard to avoid it and turning to divorce help. However, it sometimes becomes inexorable. How to alleviate the suffering of children when this happens? St Francis Father thinks they should not take them hostage. The psychologist also invites all parents to take up family mediation. "The family mediator is there to help partners make a clear break, without bias. In addition, it is a free service", he says.

The announcement of the breakup

"Ideally, parents should wait until the end of the school year to announce their breakup. Thus, children have all summer to adjust to this new situation, before the new school year starts. If it is not possible, parents should announce the separation during the weekend rather than during the week. The announcement should always be made by both parents and they should not blame each other", says St. Father Francis. He also suggests reading “The couple broke. Rebuild the break itself”, a book written by Dr. Christophe Faure, who discusses in detail how to announce the separation to the children.

Separation

Here are some tips to soften the breakup for the child:

- Listen to them and encourage them to express their sadness, anger and fears
- Stick to their daily routine as much as possible, in order not to further destabilize the situation
- Remind them that they are not responsible for the situation
- Help them understand and accept that failure as final
- Reassure them that both parents still love them despite the separation
- Do not speak ill of the absent parent
- Avoid using the child to send personal messages to the other parent

You can also look for more separation divorce advice and make sure that things are easy as possible for the child.