Violence Within a Couple

As we said before, it was a head, Marie-France Hirigoyen. But, it was also a heart. This alliance of the two led this woman - doctor of medicine, psychiatrist, and family psychotherapist - to pay close attention to bullying and her newest book, the springs of violence in couples.

Her goal? Women understanding what they have, so that they manage to keep it. For as she explains it well: "The worst violence is not the most visible one and it must be understood in order for action to be taken."

Violence: gradual and insidious

Marie-France Hirigoyen said: "This situation is gradually becoming very insidious and more and more couples state that domestic violence is on top of the divorce grounds list. What makes tracking so complex is that there is initially something positive, a form of seduction. Violence is never there from the outset, obviously. "One little hurtful word, an inappropriate gesture, an attitude designed to make the other humble. Among the many cited in the book one example I was particularly struck by was a man who regularly asked for money from his wife, but he always threw the ticket on the ground, forcing her to bend down to pick it. Such behavior, detached and silent, should turn up the alarm siren.

According to the author,  most of the time the victim tries to excuse her "man": he had a difficult childhood or he has trouble at work ... Women then make the huge mistake of saying: "My love will change this!" It never works, love does not fix it The message to convey is simple: "When we love, we must respect. An insult or a sign of too much from someone you love is unacceptable and it should not be accepted. "

But then, why don’t women react faster and more vigorously? The answer is painful to hear: "Because they fear being disliked or even abandoned." You wonder where the results of active feminists’ actions are.

In acceptance, passivity, submission, isolation, the unsaid, the downward spiral begins. If the woman (since women are victims in 95% of cases) says nothing, if she does not denounce the man, there is no reason for him to stop and she cannot draw the divorce law on her side. This silence can even be a form of encouragement to go further.

Marie-France Hirigoyen’s goal is to inform all potential victims that they can say NO. According to the specialist, the woman must take a stand from the very beginning of a relationship.

The impact of education

"Women magazines sometimes add their own with titles like" How to control your man."

"We must be good housewives, we must be patient with children, we must be sexually inventive... as if the balance of the household depended solely on the woman," says Marie-France Hirigoyen, visibly irritated. What should I do for it not to start? That is the kind of thinking we still hear in separations. The therapist is confident that the men themselves do not pose such a question. And concludes that "the position of women has changed enormously, but the mentality and men and women have not changed that much."

And the children? The author and her book specifically address this question, with supporting examples. Domestic violence should not be tolerated under any circumstances, especially not on the behalf of the children’s well-being, who may also become violent in their own relationships. This last possibility applies especially to boys. Girls exposed to this most often becoming victims.

AJC: An Association That Fights Against Violence Morality In Private Life Every Day

Unlike the moral violence at the workplace which is now punished by law, the moral violence in private life, which is much more insidious but equally destructive, is still unthinkable and it has also become one of the most significant divorce grounds.

It is to avoid the moral acceptability of violence and help victims to overcome the isolation why the AJC was founded in 1999.

History 

Jean-Claude, known as "Ji-Ce" committed suicide at the age of 38 years, a victim of years of emotional abuse in his relationship. To cope with this tragedy, his sister decided to found an association with a psychiatrist who is very sensitive to the phenomenon.

Their goals: to fight against this assault on human dignity and make every effort to obtain recognition of the damage suffered.

The name stands out very quickly, not only as a tribute to "JC" but because it forms the phoneme ACT.

Accompany victims

- Giving a voice to break the silence surrounding bullying.
- Recognizing the suffering and isolation in which the aggressor confines.
- Helping them rebuild their lives.

Advise and assist in the preparation of submissions

Given the current legal vacuum in the case of moral violence, we must gather evidence in order to obtain a remedy.

The creation of a file is essential to initiate any steps with the police, lawyers and associations.

Act legally

Defend your right to dignity and remember that you are also protected by divorce law.

Go to institutions concerned with promoting a bill or find a legal means to counter the moral violence.

The Parental Alienation Syndrome

And the use of allegations of sexual abuse in the divorce procedure

DEFINITION  The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a disorder characterized by a set of symptoms.  It results from the process by which a parent becomes the conscience of their children using different strategies in order to prevent, hinder or destroy their links with the other parent. Moreover the effort is to make them disagree or not get along (José Manuel Aguilar - Parental Alienation Syndrome). Unlike the pensions divorce, the marriage annulment and all the other divorce wars, this disorder arises primarily in the context of disputes over custody of the children. Its primary manifestation is a smear campaign carried by the child against one parent, a campaign that has no justification.   The phenomenon is a combination of systematic indoctrination (brainwashing) by a parent and the child's own contributions that lead to the denigration of the parent who is the object of this campaign (Richard Gardner: A Guide for Mental Health and Legal Professionals). THE PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME AND SEXUAL ABUSE  Faced with the continued use of allegations of sexual abuse as a weapon in the context of divorce and / or custody of children of separated couples, the purpose of this report is to provide professionals and parents who must deal with these situations with a comparative description so that they can establish the differences between the two situations. SEXUAL ABUSE PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME The son remembers what happened without any outside help The son has not lived long with the complaint. They need to remember. The data provided is credible, with greater quantity and quality of details. The data provided is less credible, there is lack of detail and there are even contradictory brothers. Inappropriate sexual knowledge for their age: erection, ejaculation, fellatio, taste of semen ... They do not have sexual knowledge of physical nature - taste, hardness, texture, etc. There are usually sexual indicators - sexualized behaviors, seductive behavior with adults, early and inappropriate sexual play with peers (e.g. fellatio, sexual assault on other younger children, excessive masturbation, etc… No sexual indicators appear. There are often physical indicators - infection, injury - abuse There are no physical indicators Functional disorders often occur - altered sleep patterns, bedwetting, encopresis, eating disorders The companions don’t usually present functional disorders. Educational delays often occur - difficulty with concentration, attention, lack of motivation, school failure. Educational backwardness does not usually occur consistently with the complaint Changes usually occur in the interaction pattern of the abused person - sudden behavioral changes, social withdrawal, alcohol or other drugs, physical aggression and / or unwarranted verbal, theft, etc ... The subject's behavioral pattern is not altered in their environment. Emotional disorders often occur - feelings of guilt, stigma, depression, low self-esteem, unmotivated crying, suicide attempts ... Guilt or stigmatization or autolysis behavior do not appear The child feels guilty or ashamed of what they feel Feelings of guilt or shame are few or non-existent The allegations of abuse are made before the separation The abuse allegations are made after separation The parent is aware of the pain and destruction of links that the complaint will cause in the family relationships The parent does not take into account, nor seems to care about, the destruction of the family ties. You would expect that a parent who abuses their children could present other problems in various spheres of life An alienated parent appears to be healthy in different areas of their life A parent who accuses another of abuse of their children is also often accused of abuse themselves A programming parent only denounces the damage to their children.

My Husband Abused Me ... Where Can I Go?

Domestic violence knows no boundaries or social class. One in three women worldwide have suffered physical abuse, psychological or sexual violence at some point in their lives.

In Spain, for instance, 57 women have been murdered by their husbands, partners and boyfriends or by their former partners. According to a study by the Women's Foundation, the domestic violence call has taken a total of 315 victims since 1999. Each year, there are more and more women who suffer domestic violence, so that the murder rate has doubled in the last four years.

Moved by this compelling data, the political parties have finally adopted the Law on The Protection of Victims of Domestic Violence. This legislation provides full protection of women or men, if any from the physical point of view, legally and socially.

The initiative has been evaluated positively by various women's organizations, but has requested financial and administrative resources for immediate implementation.

How does the Order of Protection work?

The Protective Order acts as a single window that enables all the various mechanisms of protection. You can protect the victim, a relative including children, siblings, or parents.  It can also be dictated by a judge or the prosecutor.

The application consists of a single form, which is available at:

  Police stations and posts in the Civil Guard.
  Justices of the Guard.
  The Office of Victim Assistance.
  Municipal, regional or state social services.

These organisms transmit the application to the judge, call the parties  - the person asking for protection and the alleged offender - urgently, within 72 hours and resolves to take action.
The Order of Protection is part of a National Registry for the Protection of Victims of Domestic Violence, which will shortly be established.

The victim is entitled to be informed on the status of the actions taken by the judges at all times, especially on the situation of the aggressor.

What measures can the judge take?

Criminal Measures

- Custody for the offender.
- Prohibition of approaching the victim and their family.
- Prohibition of communication.
- Removal of the gun permit.

Civil action

- Suspension of visitation of the children.
- Withdrawal from custody.
- Attribution of use and enjoyment of the family home for the victim.

Social measures

- The Protection Order is communicated to the municipalities and autonomous regions to collaborate with the
   victim through foster homes, supervised apartments, day care centers or family meeting places.
- The State Government launches the Active Insertion Income through the INEM, which means 300 euro per
   month for victims who lack the resources for 10 months since the duty judge issued the protective order.

Guidelines for doctors

In September, The Ministry of Health will publish a guide on domestic violence for physicians to detect abuse early.

This is a guidance document on signs and warning signs that may occur with the victim. Once diagnosed, the physician must develop a monitoring plan and tell the judge the outcome of their research.