Of course, this raises the question of what parents can do to also use this opportunity. The following "recommendations" should not be construed as instructions, but they are meant to point out to parents what really matters. It must be emphasized that some of these recommendations are hardly feasible without professional help because educational or psychological expertise is needed for the children. Concerns for children include: educational counseling, social educational counseling and therapeutic groups.
But there is another reason why it is often difficult for parents to do the right thing for their children. They are in a difficult emotional situation and need help before they can come into the situation of offering support for their children.
Following the recommendations is therefore the most common of these emotional elements, which many parents find very useful. In order to overcome them, they can go to educational counselors, psychotherapists, family and life counselors, family therapists and mediators.
1. Tips and Hints
Before the divorce / separation
1. The decision for or against a divorce should be made independent of the children! Neither should parents stay together only because of the children, nor should the future of their relationship depend on the wishes their children make.
- Conflict relations usually have more harmful effects on the long-term mental development of the
child than a successful separation.
- Unhappy, dissatisfied parents are rarely good parents.
- Parents should also provide a model of "joy of life".
- It makes no sense to postpone the separation for a year or two because it makes no difference
for the children. There is no "ideal age discrimination."
2. Children need to be explained the divorce grounds, of course, but honestly!
- Any explanation given replaces a child’s fantasy on the grounds of separation. These fantasies are almost
always troubling, especially since most of the children blame themselves for it and thus fear losing a parents’
or both parents’ love and retaliation.
- "Frequent disputes" is not only a frightening explanation, but it is also wrong. Arguing is part of every
(good) relationship. Separating is not the lack of loving reconciliation, but the result that something is wrong
in the love relationship. In most cases, there is lost love, there are sexual problems and/or serious injuries
and disappointments of one or both partners.
- Explaining the divorce is therefore always incorporated in the education about the special nature of the
husband-wife relationship.
- Considering these observations, the offer of a counseling center may be helpful.
- If the child’s loyalty conflicts did not stir up, they would be a common version of the father and mother, if
they can agree with such a good feeling.
- There is still a possibility if that does not work. Each parent tells the child their version and adds that the
different version does not mean that the other parent is not telling the truth. The children, the mother and the
mother may have different perspectives. This saves the child from having to decide which of their parents is
lying and who is telling the truth. It alleviates the loyalty conflicts and it is a valuable lesson about life (also
educational counseling or couple or family counseling can be very helpful with this type of agreement
between the parents).
3. Parents should not hope that the children will accept the divorce. Healthy children must respond to the
divorce:
- Fear of losing the dad, maybe one day even the mother;
- Anger, guilt, and shame towards third parties;
- Grief are normal and inevitable emotional reactions of children; and
- Children who "do not respond" have the same emotional problems, but they just do not show them.
4. Children who show no visible reactions must be encouraged to express their feelings!
- Otherwise, you can see their plight;
- Otherwise, they move their feelings to other areas of life kindergarten, and search;
- They may search for conflict events almost daily; and
- Otherwise, fear, anger, guilt and shame and pain will be replaced along the way.
Attending counseling can be very helpful.
5. Taking the attitude of "responsible debt". Here is an attitude to understand that could be expressed as:
"I could not know whether my/our decision would be the best long-term one for you, but I know that you
are now in pain and that I have to help you overcome it. I can bear this guilt because I know my consent
to the separation can be beneficial for you in terms of your future life happiness.”
Then, parents have to be less afraid of their children’s reactions and to respond to them, rather than fight them. Such an attitude can certainly not be "prescribed", but parents often have to overcome the major emotional resistance.
Getting help after divorce / separation
6. The children fear being blamed for the divorce! Almost all children of divorced parents have guilt feelings, thinking that their parents got separated because of them. It may be because they were bad, too stupid or because they wanted things which were too expensive.
7. It is important always to teach children the fact that the problems that led to divorce, but also the conflicts thereafter, do not make the parents love their children any less than they did before and that they have to get used to that idea.
8. Allow regression as much as possible! Most children temporarily return to an earlier stage of development already overcome because of their fears, their independence, frustration, tolerance, needs and/or services. They need that mental re-upgrade to be able to speak.
9. All children fear losing their other parent! For linguistic simplicity, the other parent is the "father" and the parent with whom the children live is the "mother."
Of course, this demand assumes that the father of the children will maintain the contact and this contact is not directly dangerous for the children because of alcoholism, physical violence or sexual abuse. Having an unencumbered relationship with their father is the most important (though not the only) prerequisite that children experience the divorce without negative consequences.
- This calls for a possible consensual arrangement between the parents concerning the custody. This must
include participation of the father to joint custody or at least information of the father on important matters
concerning the child; and the admission of active educational responsibility for the visiting hours.
- It is also necessary to have a visiting arrangement that the children’s needs as well as protects their life and
the parents’ needs.
- Some flexibility (spontaneous arrangements) is certainly desirable. However, the minimum number of
regular contacts must be strictly fixed because such arrangements do not impose safety on the children and
the responsibility to maintain the relationship with their parents.
- The visit arrangement should not be confined solely to weekends and holidays, so that there is an everyday
meeting (with its obligations and limits) in the relationship between the child and their other parent.
- When there are siblings involved, it should be possible for them to have the dad without the brother or
sister to themselves from time-to-time.
For these agreements, the parents should make use of the family or legal advice and in those cases in which the conflict makes it difficult to find common solutions, the help of mediators is required.
10. The children fear the possibility of even losing their mother! Most children of divorced parents are also shaken when it comes to their relationship with the mother. It is not necessarily about the children’s emotional reactions, especially their anger and their regressive needs, but about the fact that they inevitably lead to disputes and conflicts. This holds true within limits, when the mother is aware of the "responsible debt" and she can occupy her position and allow regression, but she cannot prevent this. Then, it is important:
A. to show the child the necessary limits, without their transgression being too nasty or being presented adjustment difficulties;
B. that the conflicts end with an explicit reconciliation and that they are highlighted by reconciliation rituals in the end; and
C. that the child is made clear that it is currently a difficult time for both them and their parents...
11. Help the children not just to show their feelings, but to gradually take in words. That means you can always talk to the children about their questions and feelings. Such discussions can be carried using appropriate pictures and children's books that are easy to handle. Socio-educational groups for children of divorced parents are particularly helpful in this context.
12. The child should not be confused during their visits to their other parent! Refusal, irritability and aggression around the visits are normal. The child needs time to learn to accept that maintaining a relationship with a parent always requires a separation from the other and they need to learn this without fear and anger. By no means should these symptoms due to the visits be limited.
13. If children refuse to have contact with their father, the access arrangements do not disappear until they have reached the age of twelve. Some of the causes are usually feelings of guilt, loyalty conflicts, serious injury by the separation from the father and/or "chivalrous" siding with the mother when the father is seen as a victim. Once they have turned thirteen, it should be impossible to make visiting arrangements without the participation of the children!
14. Specific recommendation for mothers: the intensity of the relationship with their father is not only important for the long-term mental development of the child, but it also maintains the harmony in the mother-child relationship. The more intense the relationship with the father, the less difficult is the conversion after the first months and the fewer are the daily difficulties between the child and the parent for the more exclusive a couple is, the smaller the child’s possibility to "commute" between two parents and the higher the chances that the emotional burden of the conflict is removed!
15. It is difficult enough for the mother/father to recognize their own crisis and to help the children with their emotional crisis, let alone if you put yourself in an emotional crisis, but also (particularly mothers) in an economic and social crisis (e.g. isolation). In such a situation, the assumption that we "should do it alone" is inappropriate and dangerous. Educational counseling, couple or family counseling, mediation, groups for children and possibly therapeutic support for you or couple or family therapy are essential and appropriate (possibly the most important recommendation of all).
Recommendations for the future
16. You should waive the idea of forming new partnerships for the sake of the children! New partnerships are the greatest opportunities for the divorced parents. In addition to the ongoing relationship with the other parent, the best way for children of divorced parents to achieve psychological development. This is true even when the children reject the first new partner as the divorce should also develop new partnerships that are decided independently from the children.
17. Even if the mother (the father) comes in a new partnership and the child gets a stepfather (stepmother), the child's relationship to their biological father should not be terminated or reduced! A new partner for the mother does not change the importance of the child’s relationship to their biological father, no matter how close they are to the new partner. Thus, this is true even if the children have accepted the new partner and like them.
- Love objects are not replaceable!
- Above all, it is crucial that the relationship with the child's biological father continues as it develops their
sense of identity and internalizes their confidence in the reliability of love relationships.
18. Recommendation for non-custodial fathers/mothers: the new partner, the ex-partner and the new partner’s ex-partner should have a relaxed relationship and the child should get help if they cannot get along with one of the parties! Do not be afraid of losing their love and trust your child’s love.
Emotional problems or resistance from parents and their coping with the situation
The biggest problem is that the above recommendations are not only a matter of knowledge or volition of divorced parents, but that they do not match most of the serious emotional problems of parents. The most common resistances and their management include:
1. Feelings of guilt about the children having to endure the suffering caused by the separation.
2. The anger with the ex-partner for trying to draw the child on their side. Even if the ex-partner is accused of severely devalued conduct, it is difficult for the child not to love both their parents since their self-esteem unconsciously internalizes fractions from both parents to a large extent and therefore, it is difficult to evaluate their self-identity and feelings. An aid against the (natural) tendency to take the child for them would lie in the parents not isolating themselves socially and psychologically and depending on the children less.
3. The disappointment and anger that the children endure still allows them to love and admire the parent who has done so much harm to them. This can help with realizing that children do not change their parents’ image even if they have had unpleasant experiences. Most importantly, it helps to remember the history of the relationship and not to deny that they once loved each other and that they also had some good qualities, not only defects.
4. Fathers have to accept the loss of power and influence on the children and the ex-wife!
5. Mothers should live with the idea that they have to banish the man they once loved from their lives. Financial dependence may not be a very simple problem to deal with, but this should not prevent the children from having the chance to develop a very good relationship with their other parent or to stop any contact with them in case this is necessary.
6. Continuation is very important and parents have to be aware of the fact that their children still love them even if they cannot live together anymore and they do not get along very well.
- The parents’ guilt and the often aggressive or rejecting responses of children can cause fear of losing the
partner or the child’s love, as well as the child themselves in many fathers and mothers.
- The conflicts divorced parents have over custody and visitation arrangements established by divorce law are often reasons for
these fears.
- These are fears that are almost always completely unrealistic.
- This also applies to the case in which the other parent gets involved in a new partnership and the child
likes the new partner and the other way around.
7. You can endure if the child complains about the other parent, without immediately intervening in this!
- The complaint has an important, quasi-therapeutic function.
- Accordingly, the children do not want any interventions to follow in such a situation.
- This is a pronounced privilege of children of divorced parents to compare themselves to children from
"intact" families who suffer together with their parents again and again, but who cannot usually talk to
anyone.
We could summarize the "educational" problem in the context of separation and divorce as follows: a well-processed divorce involves parents who need their children to be sensitive, tolerant, balanced, optimistic and attentive with what has happened over the past months of their life.
At the same time, however, most parents have such a difficult psychological situation that they need their children to be quiet, modest, loyal, emotionally strengthened, sensible and independent, like they never have been before.
In this paradox lies the real threat of divorce and separation for the children and in such a situation, children can deal with their future if parents seek professional help in the form of child guidance and family counseling.
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