The marriage and the parent-child system are two different subsystems of the family. The separation between the spouses resumes itself to the partner relationship, but the two partners remain the children’s parents. However, the parent-child relationships will change in the months and years to come. If there is contact with both parents, there is the maternal and the paternal household for the children and they are part of the "binuclear family system".
Separately, the survivors must still agree on their children’s education. Some manage to separate the parental role from the partner role and keep the children out of conflict with the former spouses, while others cannot do this. This article focuses on the development of the parent-child relationships after separation. Since most children remain with their mother, we shall refer more to the absent father. It is mostly analogous in the rare cases in which the children remain with their father.
After the separation, mothers are suddenly more or less solely responsible for their children. However, this situation is not so new to them, since they are already wearing the main burden of child rearing and household chores ever since they get married. Rather, given the many routine tasks and the common fate in the family home, they get to have continuity in their life.
In addition, children are often a source of courage and emotional support. Above all, a positive parent-child relationship can make the people involved endure the separation and makes it easier to manage. However, in this situation, there is the risk that mothers transfer all their love to their children or they focus on them in order to fill the emptiness inside. The mothers who experienced the absence of parents in their childhood themselves often react with a loss of over-anxious, clinging or overprotective parenting. Therefore, it is easy to form symbiotic relationships. Sometimes, children are also forced to substitute partners and the parent in question becomes dependent on them, as they need someone familiar in their lives.
In other cases, it leads to neglect of the children, a lack of behavioral control or the formation of an inconsistent educational style. There could be many reasons for this:
(1) The mother is employed or has just taken another job. Now she has time for her children, she suddenly has to leave them in a day nursery, a daycare center or a place of refuge for a shorter period of time. Given all the stress and the tension, she has less patience with her children and often reacts with corporal punishment.
(2) The mother is so concerned with herself and she is so busy with the problems resulting from the separation that her children's needs for affection, love, encouragement and so on are not fulfilled anymore. This is especially true in the event that they become depressed or suffering from mental disorders. In all these cases, an older child is often turned into a parent. They take a more or less large share of the housework and the education of the younger siblings.
Many mothers expect their children to develop normally after the separation. They spend less time worrying about their emotional reactions or they overlook them. Many children learn that they have no support from their mothers in this crisis. In other cases, this worry for their welfare is very large. They contribute to the public opinion, according to which children are the main victims of separation and divorce.
Lone parents observe the social environment and are more attentive to mix teachers and employees of this agency in their education more often. Some mothers have a strong relationship with their children, watch them closely for their reactions to the separation and try to compensate for the negative consequences. They would often like to be perfect parents, to compensate for the low self-esteem or highlight their strength against the former partners. For mothers, it is particularly distressing when their children have behavior problems. They feel incompetent to develop anxiety or depression.
The influence of the absent parent is very pronounced, especially in the case of younger children. For example, if the mothers accept their former partner’s parental rights at the end of their marriage and accept their children to visit them for relaxation, leisure, self-fulfillment and maintenance of the new relationships, they often promote the contact, too. In other cases, they forbid their children to express their feelings of grief over the father's absence. They try to stop the visits by offering more attractive alternatives or by asking questions like "You don’t really want to meet your father, do you?" They often expect children to take their side, to approve the separation and to blame the father for it.
Even if you divorce and there is no principle of fault, it is still true that most people divorce, but only one can accept the emotional blame. In many cases, the father is also faced with the reluctance of children, which can be compared with that induced by the mother or through psychological pressure, threats, lies, slander or displays of disapproval and distaste for questions.
It is not surprising that children experience intense loyalty conflicts under these circumstances. They love both parents and usually maintain the relationship with both of them and they do it right. Now they are under strong pressure when it comes to making a decision. Some children can openly express these mental conflicts and discuss with familiar people, while others may not show it and must solve their interior conflicts.
Young people may be different from the expectations of their parents because of their greater independence. They establish a relationship with their father against the resistance imposed by the mother and they continue to make independent judgments about their parents’ behavior. They resist if they are drawn into conflicts and show their anger openly when a parent talks bad about the other. In addition, some get away from their parents and spend a lot more time with their peers instead of staying with their parents.
While many children continue the relationship with both parents, others opt for one of them for the following reasons:
(1) small children are still dependent on their mother, they need to accept their influence and therefore take their side;
(2) younger children see the myth of perfect parents destroyed by the separation. Feelings of anger and disappointment result in them because of their other parent’s absence and they reject them, especially when such behavior is encouraged by the attendees;
(3) some children express solidarity with the mother because they live with her, experience her problems first hand and feel the urge to show empathy and to give her emotional support;
(4) some children choose the weaker or the parent suffering more problems because they need their help more;
(5) young children sometimes turn to the father because of the way they are treated when they visit him. They may be showered with gifts and he may put less value on obedience. Daily living with the mother seems far less attractive because she assigns homework, checks the school work, makes them have respect for order and punishes them more; and
(6) older children take one parent’s side because of the inner necessity to clarify the question of right and wrong. However, a parent may be idealized. The resulting behavior is often certified and rewarded.
Many children have specific roles in the separation phase, such as that of the alliance partner, agent, informant or accomplice, messenger of secrets, unless they previously occupied them. They enjoy the beginning and the certain powers of the respective roles, but often pre-consciously remember that they are exploited. Roles such as the replacement of the partner can accelerate the children's development, but often overwhelm them and prevent their participation in age-appropriate activities. Children may have been allies with the father before the separation and are now often made scapegoats or receive less support.
Particularly young children show a clinging behavior in the separation phase. They feel more secure with the father, although he left. Now they are afraid that the mother could be cast in and this is often fueled by fear or by the fact that the mother is employed and has less time for her children than before. They often share their love and affection or their new interests with their lovers. Under such circumstances, children have some behavioral problems. They want attention from their mothers and feel the need to test their love. They also experience negative reactions as reinforcement and as evidence that they care about this situation. Some children have a really aggressive behavior because this is the only way they can express their anger at the absent father or because they are afraid to get too close (be captured in a symbiotic relationship).
Some children are very afraid of developing and even register a decrease in their development. These reactions are often caused by being overprotected and spoiled by their mothers. If children fear for their mothers’ mental health or fear that they might commit suicide, they sometimes stay at home for flimsy reasons. Their behavior reminds everyone of a school phobia.
Changes in the father-child relationship
Particularly strong changes occur in the relationship between children and fathers (or the absent parent). Usually, they meet each other only on weekends. Many fathers feel uprooted, separated from their children and perceive this experience as a traumatic one, develop feelings of guilt towards them and think they have failed as fathers. They also lose their self-esteem, as they do not have the status of a responsible family man.
Even fathers who hardly miss the way they used to take care of their children before the separation often get close to their children daily, although they may be surprised. They regret that they have done so little for them so far, they feel strong pain and fear that they will be forgotten soon. They suddenly begin to closely devote to their children. They often find that they can begin doing this during the visits of their little children.
Due to the fact that their home is not set up appropriately, they spend much time with them on game or sports fields, in restaurants, in cinemas or at the zoo. They walk with them or take them on trips. In most of the cases, they take no more responsibility for their education, they are very permissive and they do not care about their school performance.
Other fathers have gained little experience with their children before and after the separation and ask grandparents or friends for help. They learn over time how to best deal with children. Many fathers also reduce the number and duration of the contacts when they realize that their children visit them when bored and dissatisfied, when they experience the meeting as a burden or always return to their former partner and forget about them. They are little inclined to fight for their children if the mothers are trying to restrict the contacts. This is particularly true for fathers of very young children, who generally exercise their visitation rights very rarely.
Fathers experience strong feelings of loss and loneliness after spending time with their children, particularly after the separation. Other fathers, however, try to preserve the close relationship with their children. They try to set up a nursery in their apartment, to involve their children in their everyday lives (for example, they can help with the budget), they take care of their homework and play with them a lot. Things are particularly problematic when their former partners try to stop visiting contacts. Then they fight with all their strength for their right and to be allowed to continue to educate their children. Fathers with continuous contact with their children suffer less from depression and the children are often a source of emotional support.
For children, the separation from the absent parent (i.e. mostly the father) is a particularly big loss, especially if they are still quite young, if they had an intense relationship with them or if they had already suffered major losses (such as the death of a beloved grandparent). Therefore, it is better for the children if they can maintain the contact with their father as often as possible, the quality of their visits usually being more important than the quantity.
In many cases, there is alienation between fathers and children. They may even come to idealize the absent parent, especially if there is very restricted contact. Some children identify with them and even take on their characteristics and properties. On the other hand, they may also see their father as the negative model. Then, the positive experiences are displaced and they will be rejected violently. Some children also inherit anxiety traits that the “bad” parent used to have. It is obvious that strong links to the father persist even in these cases. The problem is that, due to the lack of contact, neither the ideal image and the positive fantasies nor the negative attitudes and ideas can be tested against reality. While the former lead to conflicts with the present parent, the latter are often encouraged.
Children behave very differently when visiting their fathers. Small children are looking forward to the meeting, provided that bonds already exist. However, they are often restless, as if the visit takes half a day longer, but they are not longer if they get used to separation from their mothers. Even older children can look forward to the meetings, especially when they are interesting and varied. They enjoy it when their fathers are exclusively devoted to them, when they go out with them and spoil them. Sometimes, they even want them to see them more and every day, living with their mothers being associated with more privation and obligations they want to escape from.
Older children are often curious about their father’s new life. They often look for signs of affection and appreciation. Sometimes, they are committed to the visit and delay their leaving at the end of the visit or bring about the reconciliation of their parents. It also happens that they blame their father for the separation, they are biased against them, they feel rejected by them and so they are often disobedient and rude. Older children and young people often avoid any kind of contact, especially if their mothers or fathers were violent to them or still are. Young people are looking forward to visits only if they have similar interests as their fathers and can communicate with them well. They want to set the time and frequency of the contacts.
Some parents report negative effects of visits, but this is often exaggerated. In addition, parents often interpret their children’s reaction in an opposite way. For example, the children feel sad at the end of the visit as a sign of the pain caused by the separation and they tell their mother that the visit has gone terribly. There are also many behavioral problems the children have and that occur before the visits, but that are not explained by the mother beforehand (like inducing aversion to the fathers, banning on positive feelings when speaking bad of the other and pain or anger being expressed when the visits take place).
Negative reactions after visits to the absent parent are very rare if the custodial parent only experienced few conflicts with them, the absent parent being accepted in their lives and their parenting style being tolerated. In these cases, indeed, the better the relationship between the present parent and the children from the point of view of the educational task, the less it is experienced as stressful.
Reactions of children
Children experience separation differently than adults. They do not see it as an opportunity for a new beginning, but as the loss of a parent, as a loss of love, affection, support and belonging. Since most children are quite young at the time of the separation, this falls into the most important years for their development and therefore shapes their behavior and experience, their self-image and their settings. It works well on young people and on already grown children. The general relationship with both parents depends on the children’s reactions, their gender, their age, their behavior, the quality of the relationship between the former spouses, on the conditions of separation (whether it occurred suddenly or after a long dispute) and the external factors (such as location or change of school, enrollment in the nursery or excessive lowering of living standards). It is also of importance to the other caretakers that the children respond to the separation (whether they see it as a normal process or as a disaster for those involved) and to what extent they follow the same negative offset.
For many children, their parents’ separation is a confusing and unsettling situation. First, it is a big shock for those who experienced only a few marital conflicts or who assessed their parents’ relationship as being stable. On the other hand, many children lack the background and causes of the separation and get very little information about the expected changes in their lives.
Even older children and young people are often faced with inadequate, one-sided or incomplete information. They often have no say, for instance, as far as the future living conditions and the provisional custody and visitation arrangements are concerned. Their parents’ failed marriage often ends up being a model for the children. They form a negative image of their future and develop great fears in their minds. For example, they fear that they are no longer loved, that their needs are no longer satisfied or that they will lose their attending parent once and for all. Their fear and insecurity are often reinforced by their parents, who have little time for them and are often irritated or impatient. Their confusion is even greater when the separation also involves one partner moving out. Then, the new reality is accepted as greyer.
Many adult children react to the separation of her parents with grief, which affects a lot of the areas of their lives and influences their development. Also, this often leads to depression, especially if the parents are depressed, if the child feels rejected and abandoned or if they cannot express their anger at one parent. Children often suffer more when their parents are also in grief.
Many children experience feelings of rage and anger after the separation. They are angry because they feel rejected, because both their parents have less time for them or because they must take into account the bad material situation, which results in more frustrations. They like showing their anger at the absent parent (the one who has left the family), the present one (the one who has driven the other). Boys act out their anger, especially if their father is violent because they identify themselves with them and they have a sense of power and masculinity or if they get the impression that they can control the situation and they are ultimately powerless. Some children deny their anger or express it indirectly (for example, in nightmares, tics, compulsions and depression).
Some children experience feelings of guilt. They believe that they are responsible for the divorce. For example, they feel guilty because they were bad or they had behavior problems before the separation, because they are disabled or because they were supposed to strengthen the marriage. Younger children see the negative sides even more clearly and they do not gain any security and safety. Guilt can also be caused by the fact that a child takes sides, agrees to the separation or expresses or experiences hostile emotions towards their parents. The statement "I am guilty" leaves the impression of control over a seemingly uncontrollable situation. Guilt can lead to children taking a scapegoat role or their punishment to be achieved through behavioral experiments.
The separation of parents leads many children to having low self-esteem. They realize that they have been left by one of the parents, blame their own worthlessness for that, consider themselves to be unlovable and therefore develop a negative self-image. Therefore, low self-esteem can also result and they can perceive themselves as failures because they did not succeed in keeping their family united. Furthermore, the negative self-image is caused by the fact that children are disloyal to one parent or that they are transformed into replacement for the partner or confidants. Also, they are imposed to take adult duties, although they are also children.
Other reactions to the separation of parents would be fear of the future, confusion, disbelief and hope for a reconciliation of the parents. For some children, divorce is a relief since they do not have to live in a conflict-ridden (or even violent) atmosphere anymore. Marital conflicts were hidden from them or denied and they could only imagine this. However, they can trust their own perceptions again now. Some children take their parents’ separation as inevitable and behave quite passively.
Others turn outwards and focus on school performance, sports, music, art or other activities. Many children look after their separated parents and help them to adapt by behaving like adults. This behavior is often reinforced by the attending parent, the child becoming a substitute for the partner and being trusted or using the time and energy to fulfill their duties. Appropriateness may also result from the fact that children can let go of their feelings of powerlessness and helplessness this way or they want to be good especially because they do not want to violate the remaining parent. Particularly problematic is the fact that such behavior is not recognized as striking.
Many children deny or repress their emotional reactions to their parents’ separation. Their suffering takes place in secret and often in great loneliness. Some of these children believe their parents expect them to they hide their emotions and problems, while others are encouraged with statements like "Be brave" or "Boys do not cry". Some children are banned when it comes expressing their feelings about the absent parent. Others want their troubled and depressed parents not to have to deal with their worries and stress. In most of these cases, however, they express their repressed feelings and problems indirectly, often not in very acceptable ways.
Thus, many children have behavior problems after their parents' separation, which may be different depending on age and sex of the children. For example, boys tend to react aggressively, while girls tend to withdraw or to adapt, their symptoms being overlooked easily. However, a closer examination is often required in that the behavioral problems may have already occurred before the separation. This is especially the case if children were exposed to long family conflicts or they have been involved in pathogenic roles.
Otherwise, the causes of behavior problems lie less in the way the separation has occurred and more in the way this situation is dealt with. The probability of a minor behaving like this is given by whether this situation was acute in the separation period (in younger children) or a good relationship with a constant caregiver already developed in the small child (older children). Also, these problems may appear when the children live in a structured environment after the separation, one with clearly defined rules, roles and responsibilities.
On the other hand, , the likelihood of greater behavior problems increases if many changes occur after the separation. They lead to a loss of continuity and security, so children find it more difficult to cope with the crisis. For young children, the loss is particularly big when the mother is employed after the separation. Most behavior problems occur only in the short term. They are often an unconscious attempt to make the parents care for the welfare of their child together. They rarely require therapeutic treatment. It is also noted that no immediate reaction to the separation from parents is observed in many cases.
Reactions of young children
As already mentioned, age-specific responses to their parents getting separated can be seen even in children. Infants should hardly notice the father’s absence. For them, the biggest risk is that the mothers are so loaded with the resulting problems and their psychological conflicts that they neglect their children. They sometimes develop eating disorders or sleep disorders, become irritable or calm down and have little comfort. Small children often have fewer problems, but also need to get used to a constant caregiver or a present partner of the parent to accept the new one as a psychological parent.
Children aged two to six are aware of the loss of a parent and focusing on the impact of the separation and on understanding it. Given the fact that they have not yet developed cognitive skills, they cannot get a realistic picture of the situation and extent of the loss. They are usually sufficiently separated from their parents and the consequences, they are provided information on the record or not, but they do not understand the reasons. Therefore, they do not know the reasons for the divorce disputes since children argue with their playmates and siblings, but then reconcile again.
Given the fact that they do not understand the causes of their parents’ separation, they often blame themselves for it. Understanding the new situation is made more difficult for them and small children do not have a remedy for conflict. A further difficulty is that they do not have their sense of time trained and they lack life experience to know that a separation leads to a temporary crisis.
Some young children argue that their father or their mother still lives with them or visits them secretly. They often report these fantasies in kindergarten. Many preschool children develop strong separation anxiety and general anxiety, which can result in a clinging behavior. They fear that they could be left in the lurch. Some children regress under these circumstances because they unconsciously want to be cared for and loved like babies. They usually suffer from enuresis (bed wetting), eating and sleeping disorders, for example. These are often make the attending parents react with anger and punishment as they do not understand the symptoms and do not try to help their children with love and affection.
Some preschool children are confused and agitated, aggressive, irritated or defiant, sad and depressed after their parents separate. Some withdraw and run away. They draw the unconscious conclusion that relationships can break and now have little confidence in the reliability of human relations because of their parents’ separations. If they always have to get used to new caregivers or changing partners of their parents, their binding ability can decrease more and more over time.
Very often, the behavior of preschool children also varies according to the separation of their parents. They show less endurance and stamina, they are less cooperative and more likely to watch other children play rather than participate in it. They also perform tasks less frequently and use less of their imagination. In kindergarten, these small children are looking for more attention, support and closeness from the teachers. They are often anxious, tearful, inattentive and inactive. Especially boys often show aggressive behavior that can cause them to be shunned by their peers. They sometimes get less help from the teachers.
Reactions of schoolchildren
Children up to 12 years old understand the changes that come from their parents’ separation better than younger children. They are often worried whether their parents will take care of them as before. As they experience the separation as a threat to their existence, they often feel abandoned and helpless and they are afraid of the future.
As toddlers, they feel a strong desire for their parents to reconcile, but rather recognize and accept the finality of the separation rather than the new situation. At the same time, they also tend to compare their own family relationships with those of other children and to deal with what their peers think of them. Very often, they are ashamed and hide their parents’ separation or feel isolated, especially if they believe they are the only ones in their class who have separated parents.
In contrast to infants, older children are turned into confidants, allies or partners of their parents, they take sides and hold one of the parents responsible for the breakup of the family. When parents are depressed or threaten to commit suicide, they are very worried about them, shift all the energy on the family and therefore neglect school and their friends.
But in other cases, this often leads to the deterioration of their school performance or to delays, truancy, daydreaming, problems with peers or disturbances in their social behavior. Some children behave well and easily adapt to their teachers, becoming their favorite students. Many students get no sympathy and no support in school because the teachers are not informed of the new family situation or because the parents expect the children to be provided the same services as before the separation. Many teachers expect to see negative consequences of the separation or single parenting and, therefore, react differently to the affected students, so they often find self-fulfilling prophecies.
Reactions of seven-to twelve-year-old children on the separation of their parents also include restlessness, nervousness, irritability, moodiness, difficulty concentrating, sadness, pain, depression, anger, aggressiveness, isolation (loneliness), guilt, loyalty conflicts, insomnia, nightmares, stomach discomfort, headache and other similar symptoms. Some children can be very hard to discipline at home or run away from home, while others show a clinging behavior. Girls often develop a negative attitude towards the male gender and boys are insecure in their social behavior (if the father is, too).
The absent parent is asked to be present in order to provide help with the children’s symptoms or they are called to talk about their behavior. This reinforces the children's hopes for reconciliation of their parents and, therefore, behavioral problems and school problems appear. Older children look for other people’s support and more helpful people (such as teachers, counselors, school psychologists), but this is often prevented due to the positive impact of the training on their behavioral problems, which are often reversed. For example, grandparents often show them love and affection. They help them understand their parents, they meet their needs and they let them express their desires. Many grandparents also stir up loyalty conflicts.
Reactions of young people
Children over 13 years experience the separation of their parents relatively rarely as most divorces occur in the first years of marriage. They often expect it, so they react less surprised. Sometimes, they are even glad that the time of tensions and frequent conflicts is over. Unlike younger children, adolescents usually have a realistic view of divorce. They prefer to accept the new situation and only rarely make illusions about a possible reconciliation of their parents. However, they also experience reactions such as anger, sorrow, pain or shame, which depend on the strength and quality and, above all, on the intensity of the relationship with the absent parent and their importance as a model.
Many young people grow up very fast after their parents separate. Others find it difficult to cope with the phase-specific development tasks, as they have lost the "safety net" of the family. They experience the problems of adolescence and youth and get little support and assistance on the way to adulthood. Some young people consume alcohol and drugs, have premature sexual relations and are aggressive or delinquents. They often think about their partnerships and their partners and they are afraid not to repeat the mistakes their parents made in their relationships.
Unlike younger children, young people are more emotional and keep the distance or multiply the number of the activities they do with their friends. They refuse to be drawn into the conflict. They also emphasize their autonomy and they react very angrily if they are not consulted regarding the custody and control or the right to stick to the fixed visiting hours. Many adolescents respond to their parents sensitively and make constructive contributions when it comes to addressing the separation situation. Some take over too much responsibility for the mental welfare of their parents or conduct the family. They neglect school, vocational training and friends in order to act as parents. Unlike younger children, young people also have very many opportunities to discuss their parents’ separation when they have problems with their peers, grandparents, adult friends or professionals.
Siblings often help each other during the processing of grief, pain, fear and anger. They cooperate with each other due to their parents’ expectations to support each other. Older siblings often lead the young to realistically assess the new situation and to accept the loss of a parent. In other cases, siblings form coalitions against one or both parents or against each other (they are out of their sense of justice) or they take sides. The sibling subsystem can be split by the parents as well. Finally, it may happen that the sisters alienate each other and go separate ways, as they judge the separation situation from different points and react differently.
