Parents want their children's sake to diverge without violent quarrels in most cases. They cherish the hope to keep talking, often in spite of years of disputes and lack of love for each other. This is hard. They are in the middle of an emotional chaos, caught between guilt and desire for revenge, between fears and new hopes. It is difficult to make sober and rational decisions, which determine their lives and those of their children.
How to deal with the emotions
Unfortunately, being sober and rational is rarely achieved. Still, it is necessary to discipline yourselves if you do not want to leave a mess behind you. Not only avoid rushing into making decisions, but also keep disputes and power struggles cool. Writing to experts and establishing interviews with them can well clarify your position. Cling to the habit of thinking, making demands and reaching agreements on a sticky note and structure.
The sober handling of the highly emotional issue caused by a separation is a good base, as well as not getting carried away in other small wars with the former partner, thus wasting power. If you have decided on a separation, it is no longer worthwhile to hold on to the old conflicts and you should look for divorce advice for men and women right away. You now need your strength to look ahead.
Writing down the interview results can also help you to extricate yourself from the emotional entanglements. You can prevent the debilitating and less fruitful "but I told you" talks.
If it is difficult for the two of you to get along without fighting, the other partner should definitely join you in writing down things. Keep each agreement or refusal of agreement noted. Do not use emotional arguments or phone calls, arguing that it is purely factual. This prevents you from resorting to war zones under the slogan "You always do that and that". When you can quickly put the other under pressure, you will save the written communication from some emotional blackmail. This is especially true when children are involved and maintenance needs to be negotiated.
The sheet of paper before you can help you to step back and formulate concretely. It may also help you to maintain a minimum level of objectivity. If you have happiness and mutual respect, written agreements can still be of great help.
Why not enjoy some legal advice?
Your notes and your correspondence are a good basis for talking with your lawyer/attorney of your cases and to prove the disputes. There are good reasons to not give up, even if you are convinced of the possibility to complete an amicable separation. An attorney/a lawyer can only represent one party, the other then having to go to a lawyer, too. The cost of the argument does not count if it then turns out that the attorney/ lawyer trusts your concerns and he is an individual who is committed to your case. At least, he allows you to get your rights and entitlements cleared up. Only when you know exactly what you deserve, can you negotiate in good conditions.
If both partners are separated or married, a year must have passed from the separation. Such a separation year can be met in the same house/apartment, despite the load, but it is much better if the other keeps it in mind. If only one partner wants to separate, the marriage is disorganized only after a three-year separation.
Consult a lawyer in time. Do not put your ex-partner on the spot. Remember to always be one step further because this is how you remain in control. Find out what can be controlled to keep the costs in check. Everything that you check with your former partner in advance and they agree on saves you time and money.
If a partner has little income or does not earn any money, the district court or counseling centers can provide them legal divorce advice and legal aid information for free. Let us figure out exactly what charges they face. Arrange, if possible, installment payments.
Mediation is a new way
Looking for a mediator is still a relatively unknown way of separating, i.e. a third party trained in mediation. Mediation is teaching. The mediator ensures that you and your ex-partner talk to each other again, deals with you, sees where you can meet and looks for appropriate solutions.
The discussions with third party can mean a great relief and, above all, if you want to discuss the welfare of your children. In this case, it is advisable to consult a mediator with a mediator psychosocial background.
It may be the mediator who finds a possible peaceful way of separation. A mediation in an advantageous way of resolving contentious issues and it is way less expensive than the confrontation of two attorneys.
Schemes for the welfare of children
Your separation is a matter between you and your partner, but the children must endure and decide to live and learn from your new situation. This is not easy. Nevertheless, a separation can be good for your children. The University of Munich conducted a study on 750 affected children at a congress of the European Association for Youth Research in Jena. Their parents’ divorce was less stressful for these children than during the period of parental conflict.
It needs to be clarified who stays in the joint home and who moves out. It is often most bearable for children to stay in their familiar surroundings and not to move out with one of the parents. This is a tough process, but this is also a consistent change in the environment and thus an obvious beginning, which is probably the better solution. Get advice.
If you and your partner can still do something, sit down at the table together and make a list of all the household goods. Decide who gets what. Or you can make such a list for yourself alone so that you can keep what you want. Your partner can then put their comments in writing and put the list on hold. Do not miss out carelessly in order to go to litigation. You can put a strain financially on any subsequent new purchase, but you should make the distribution without any power struggle.
Since the reform of child custody in 1998, the subject of separating subject is a common concern. In principle, both parents have joint custody, while unmarried parents only if have it if they have a corresponding custody declaration issued. Joint custody means that decisions must be made by consensus and the calls are of fundamental importance. It is normal for matters of the children’s daily life to be decided by the parent alone. There is also the option of sole custody that can be applied, if it is beneficial for the welfare of children. Your lawyer or your attorney can advise you.
Regardless of the decision on joint or sole custody, the rights of access are still there. This means that the child has a right to maintain contact with both parents, who are obliged to handle this situation and this is justified. This also applies to grandparents and siblings and it can even apply to step-parents. It is recommended that the visiting arrangements are reached in writing, taking into considerations the circumstances and the children’s age. The Youth Office is committed to consult on any issues of parental responsibility and to the development of custody, making a plan to help you.
Do not be fooled. If it is not you and your partner do not manage to deal with each other fairly and objectively during the relationship and during the separation, then you may find it difficult to get joint custody over the children. This is in the benefit of the children affected by separation in view of their right to see both parents. First experiences show that joint custody often appears on paper, but the care and concern remain, especially for the person living with the children, which is the mother in most cases.
Fight for your financial security
As attending parent, you invest a lot of energy in the negotiation and in the maintenance of children and in their lives. You cannot put pressure on them. Alimony is not a concession, but you should divide the resulting financial handicaps to overcome the financial constraints. You meet your share of child support by raising them and supporting them. The parent with whom the child is not living has to cover the child support in money. The amount of child maintenance is established by specialized authorities.
Do not use the maintenance that is due to your children for you, no matter of the circumstances. Studies and investigations have showed in recent years that financial worries make it difficult to find a certain internal and external composure.
On the other hand, the financial situation is a burden for children much greater than expected. Even if you believe that you do not care about the money as long as you have your peace at last, it is good to be financially secure. You can show your generosity when you have found your dream job for some time and childcare is well-organized and when money really is not an issue for you.
If you get no maintenance, you can apply on maintenance payments at the Youth Office.
Collect knowledge
Take advantage of the opportunity that lies in every crisis and overcome the barriers. If you have always had problems with taxes, you should now get informed on what taxes you get from a separation. If you are employed and married, there is a tax bracket and, thus, you can pay from your change.
Go to the welfare office if you suspect or know that you are financially tight. The sooner you acknowledge that, the faster you will be sovereign.
Arrange an appointment in a legal office of the pension insurance agency and ask what kind of protection you have. The German Pension Fund (DRV) service has set up a free line (0800/1000 480 70), which can give you the name of the nearest information and advisory service.
Get an overview of your joint financial situation as soon as possible, even if you have not cared about it before. You can get information about health insurance, household contents and personal liability insurance from consumer professionals. Those who do not make it should go and see a therapist. Remember these ideas and give marriage, family and life counseling a shot. This is where you will have peace and a safe space to take stock of your life and to get a new way of thinking.
You are now a single parent
You are a single parent if the children live with you after the separation. Whether you have joint custody or sole custody, the brunt of their new life is yours. About 2 million people in Germany, especially women, are in the same situation as you.
The association of single mothers and fathers (VAMV) has centers in many cities, providing more consultation and open meetings about childcare. Some get unique pieces of advice here, while others use the open offer to exchange ideas.
Other advisory bodies and the churches have also recognized the need to make special offers for single parents. You just need a "social map" of your town or parish and telephone numbers for you to call the corresponding points.
There are now a number of advisers in bookstores and single parents making suggestions concerning the organization of everyday life and reconciling work and child rearing. Also, you can get information on legal rights to educate them.
If you are working or you want or need to work again, but also if you need a new space, you need to know the childcare rules. It is important that you report looking for work with the Employment Agency as soon as possible. The consultants will inform you about projects for professional returnees if your work is a few years back. However, you will also be asked where your children are to be accommodated during your working hours.
Since 1996, a three-year-old right can be sent to a kindergarten and it is likely that the children in the age group of 3 to 6 give you fewer problems. However, when you need a service that goes beyond lunch, it is also difficult to put the child in kindergarten. The situation here refers to small children and small children who go to school, so the initiatives you have are very important. You can also ask for suggestions from the town or city council.
The security of you and your children that results from reliable childcare justifies the high costs in finding a good solution. The self-confidence and independence that you can draw from earning your own money can justify the high costs, as well. What men have discovered for themselves long ago, also applies to women. A study on the well-being of women in different family forms shows a stable income to be positive for their well-being. Mothers who are able to finance themselves and their children succeed in concentrating faster and more consistently on their new definition of family even after separation.
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