When a partnership goes to pieces, most of your world collapses, but this difficult time offers a great opportunity for personal growth.
Abortive relationships are among our most painful life experiences. All of us have experienced this feeling at least once and it caused a great deal of grief in our hearts. We suddenly fall apart when it hits us.
The phase of separation crisis
If separation is not caused by an accident or a sudden death, then most crises have been announced. We usually notice the signs, but we rather look away, hoping that everything will settle by itself.
Despite all the forebodings, the separation is then still a shock. We lean on it and a powerful "No!" determines our thinking and our actions. We deny the facts because awareness would be too painful. Gradually, however, we realize what is happening and we lose our stability more and more. However, we usually try to combat the crisis and to do something in this first phase. Sometimes, this phase is even more marked by optimism and a sense that the separation could have its advantages.
We are afraid of falling deeper into this and we try to restore normality as quickly as possible - and our outside world expects it from us. We take refuge in distraction and different activities. Some people find these really useful and they succeed in ending their crisis. People with more depth usually fall deeper into it and that's a good thing, because only then the separation process can really end and you can really grow and even profit from it. Repressed crises caused by separation force out again sooner or later. They find their way in their own way.
Now comes the worst, but also the most important phase: we feel powerless and deliver our feelings, but given the fact that the separation crisis can no longer be denied, we only have one choice: we must accept it. This is our big chance. If we understand that we and our pain must overcome this situation completely, then we are on the path that will cure us. Now, the beginning of the process or the learning process is personal growth. Only then can the process of releasing begin.
Opportunities of the crisis
- The chance of loving devotion: usually our own needs are not respected too much before the crisis and we may have adapted to save the relationship. However, although there is no crisis, we still suffer more. This is the time to take good care of us and to think about what is now important for us. What we can do well. What it takes for us to heal our soul.
- The chance to clean up: everything that constantly reminds us of our past with our partner brings pain in our soul. Remove all the memories rigorously. Those that are dear and important to you should be preserved in a box in the basement, while you should donate the rest you to a charitable institution. You can even design your new surroundings if you can afford it: maybe a new sofa or new bed, a new warm wall color or anything else. Take your home for yourself and do whatever you like with it. Let the memories out and your new life in.
- The chance for a new orientation: where do you want to draw attention from in this life? What goals do you have? They need not be lofty, heroic goals. A first goal is enough as long as you carry on with it. Make notes of other goals: what could be more exciting? Going to the gym? Joining a theater group? Gather your ideas and keep your notes. Goals give us strength, which does not mean that we now have to tackle everything at once. It is important to recognize that there is life after the crisis.
- The opportunity to foster relations: do the partnerships and friendships come too short? What have people endured in the darkest times of crisis and has given them strength? A failed relationship not only leaves a void in the heart, but usually, more practically, in the calendar, too. Who do we want to spend more time in the future with? Is it time to rekindle old friendships, perhaps?
- A great opportunity to find a better way to have access to your own feelings. A crisis is a time when your emotions get out of control. Although the separation feels so painful that we sometimes think we cannot stand it any longer, it is also good. Emotions make us alive and the crisis will bring us closer to our feelings again. Suppressing our feelings paradoxically means giving them power and allowing them to take over once again in a different situation.
- The chance to change our destructive behaviors: if the peak of the crisis has been overcome, then it is time we honestly confronted our behavior. Have we said yes too often in our relationship and did we leave our needs behind or were we too dominant, although our partners also tried to dominate us? It is now time to be completely honest with ourselves. What do you want to change? Take your chance!
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