Where Is My Partner?

Weather: High Pressure or Depression, Storm Warning or Bright Sunshine?

Here is the barometer of your relationship.

I'm tired!

The following are not exhaustive. They reflect unhappiness in marriage, but they are crucial if they are repeated several times.

- Their mannerisms irritate you;
- You cannot concentrate on your work;
- You begin to criticize their personality;
- Your criticism turns into contempt, such as: "the other is really a failure, 
   they are good for nothing ....;"
- The other does not respond to anything, including your insults. They  
   fold up completely;
- You compete for sleeping on the couch;
- You wonder how you fell in love in the first place;
- You become hypersensitive: sweating, heart rate higher than average
   tremor (when you get excited), attacks of crying ...;
- You refuse to apologize;
- Their attempts at reconciliation are futile;
- When you think about your marriage, you see only the negative aspects;
- The details of everyday life take on a disproportionate importance;
- Despite your legendary loyalty, you think about deceiving the other ...;
- You do not talk any more. Communication with others is a concept you do not understand;
- Their jokes, which have not yet changed in 20 years, exasperate you;
- You solve your problems without worrying about their opinion. Besides, the other responds the same way
   as you;
- You look in the mirror more and more often to see if you are still drinking physically; and
- You no longer live "together". If the other wants dinner, they would go alone. If you have a party with friends: ditto.

In short, you have a different life from that of another. You are married ... but this is just your status.

What Happens to Those Around You When You Are in a Relationship?

In case of a divorce, most friends of the couple take sides: yours or your ex-spouse’s. Others take a step back in order not to have to choose because they do not know how to behave.

Furthermore, divorce can hit you where it hurts and mess up your life. Note that you may represent a "danger" as a single for a couple among your friends and that the trio can be embarrassing.

Express your needs 

Close friends or relatives sometimes intervene in your life and try to resolve your problems. They often criticize your spouse, trying to make things better. This type of resentful attitude and service does not help. It also makes you feel guilty towards your kids and this can cause you trouble. Those who seek to reconcile with your spouse undermine your efforts to build a new life. It is therefore necessary to go out and keep in touch with your neighbors, too, even if it upsets you. But above all, tell your good friends what you expect from them: go to the cinema with them in order not to be alone; talk about the divorce or about your usual topics of conversation, get advice or so on. Suggest that they also talk about their feelings, including their discomfort.

Family

Generally, the members of your family around you can support you. Nevertheless, it is better to avoid disappointment.  Do not have any illusions about their reactions: it is, after all, essential if the latter are dictated by affection. However, there are decidedly negative reactions. For example, this mother who, because of her jealousy, ceases to speak to her daughter.  The daughter has the chance to divorce, while the mother endured a difficult marriage.

In-laws 

You often need a clear break from the in-laws. In many cases, the relationships continued because they were of high quality before the divorce. Sometimes, the family members want you to participate in events of their lives, but do not dare to ask you. Maintaining good relationships with people you appreciated cannot harm you provided they are sure you accepted the reality of divorce. Otherwise, things would be a bit more complicated.

The Invitation of a Psychoanalyst

Addictions in general such as alcoholism, bulimia, anorexia, smoking, gambling and other excesses that occur during a divorce, can generate dependence.  But anguish, anxiety, depression... are not "diseases", although some would have us believe that. These "conditions" sicken the subject, of course, but this does not mean they are diseases. They are "symptoms". Symptoms of somatic or mental suffering. Sometimes both.

Each event listed above shall be discussed as a "symptom" within the meaning assigned by subjective psychoanalysis. Jack Lacan said: "A symptom is what comes from reality."

According to the psychoanalyst, one is not there, only the sign of a disorder (medical) or a (mental) disturbance being there. It is, however, related to a conflict, a knot of meanings in arrears, something related to the subject or to their history and that is what the psychoanalyst has to work with. It is the memory of a traumatic event, a trauma suffered by the subject. Thus, a psychoanalyst’s purpose is to help the subject escape from a situation they cannot escape on their own. This often occurs after too much advice on how to divorce, after being dragged in court and an ugly divorce itself.

They say whatever comes into their head, that is to say, in short, everything that they reckon. There is talk without a predetermined conclusion, without having to judge what is useful or useless to say or need to target a particular purpose. The best thing to do in all situations is to talk.

This is a strange experience even after thirty-three years of practice... Usually, when something goes wrong, they have to become accustomed to it and if they do not understand or know what to do in that situation, they have to refer to another: mother, father, elder, friend, teacher, doctor, lawyer, priest, expert, judge, MP, just like it happens in case of a divorce or with divorce mediation. And they think, very naturally, that it's there for them. They have to think they are there for them and that these persons know what they don’t. They know. They know what they do not know. These persons will tell them why this is so for them, and even more, how to fix it. And they must take this into consideration.

Well, the Freudian invention is quite the contrary! Speak up, take the risk of speaking up. Speak with your own words and try to keep everything away from someone who is not there to help you. Try this experiment, you will find very quickly that your word will lead you somewhere. And it will not be in vain that you have had such courage. What is your symptom?

The Importance of Speech: Knowing About Your Marriage

Consider a separation leads to the judge re-evaluating what your married life was. Compared to what the couple thought they knew, the one who contemplates secession begins to evaluate differently and to write another story, in which the roles, responsibilities, intentions and ambitions become different.

The role of speech

A priori, neither the law nor the social habits provide any codes or pose any limitations to the retrospective history that anyone can imagine. However, there are times when one partner of the couple begins to re-write history in the form of common stock.  This is a crucial time for the conduct and outcome of a divorce and for everyone’s balance in the future. It is very important to understand that this "reconstruction" of the marriage-post is in itself a step that will transform the relationship of the couple. The role assigned to it, the part known to each event, the reasons given in each act, depict a story that moves towards a conclusion, a play on which the curtain will fall one way or another. This is the line between marriage and divorce.

Formulate your perception of the past and future

The separation that began in the couple demonstrates a mutual incompatibility on what everyone wants and what everyone lives. How to understand the initiation of this failure? And how to share that understanding with the partner who became an alternate person and therefore no longer shares anything? The only way to understand what happened to the marriage and partnership is through words, these making everyone have a perception of the past and the future.

Learn about the nuances

The more the role ascribed to the other is derogatory, excessive and without nuance, the more they are forced to defend themselves or feel guilty. It is a common impact of the judicial dimension of the divorce. And it prevents them from common observations that lead the way for a peaceful future. All work will be necessary for the one who wants to recapture an image of themselves "living" and comes to limit the challenge it imposes on the other. By cons, any element of reasoned and balanced understanding of the history of the couple that leads to a conclusion more or less acceptable by both, promotes the subsequent reconstruction of each.
        
It often seems illusory, at the time of separation, to talk about the history of the couple in an accessible way.  After all, this history is under the influence of frustration, rebellion, anger or fear. But from the moment you become aware of the considerable challenge that this represents for the future, there is possible support, such as mediation... and then, time passes and you forget about lawyers, online divorce and alimony.

Step Families Daily

Living in a blended family is challenging and requires a major effort to adapt. What principles are adopted in this new family lifestyle where everyone must find their place to thrive? What are the keys to a successful stepfamily?

What behaviors are adopted?

- You and your children:

All psychologists will tell you a blended family will never be a "blood family" as each member comes up with their history, experiences, and emotions.  They are forced to deal with the experiences of others. All this takes time and a big effort to adapt.
- Be patient, do not get burned completely, everyone will eventually find their place;
- Communicate within your home. Everything will be settled if you communicate and understand the expectations and needs of each
   member of the family;
- Do not be demoralized by the conflict, although they say you are needed to advance, hold only
   positive effects;
- Learn how to negotiate, know how to make compromises;
- As a mother and wife, you are at the heart of the construction process, you have a crucial role to play;
- Introduce your dog to your children and help them find their place;
- Prepare the children for this change without rushing them;
- Your kids will become aggressive, but it's a normal reaction. They see this man as an intruder, they have
  quite a job of "mourning" of the past to do;
- Be firm with your children when it comes to your choice;
- Do not give them the opportunity to challenge you;
- Do not try to obtain their approval at all costs;
- Do not feel guilty, children take advantage of this situation to destabilize you;
- A blended family is built on the ruins of a broken family and someone reunites the meaning of marriage and divorce. This past life has left its mark and it also marked your children;
- Do not try to deny it;
- Establish a fair and healthy relationship with the absent father. Your children will feel secure and will be 
  much more willing to accept the presence of a step-parent.

- Your torque:

   Even if you're attacked by multiple daily tasks, taking care to spare some moments of intimacy  is essential
   to the duration of your relationship.

- Your companion

   As a newcomer, the step-parent must accept the rules and comply with the practices that exist in the
   family. Listen to the children talk, councilor. Do not try to be the head of the household and the one who
   decides everything right away. Do not try to replace the absent parent in terms of authority and affection as
   rejection would be immediate.

   If you can build respect in your family, adults and children, if everyone has consideration for the other, then
   the success of the building is insured. You will live in a stepfamily full of harmony and solidarity.

   If you happen to have difficulties, know that you can count on the support of associations and
   organizations, the role of which is to listen and to help families. You can also find a lot of online divorce help and help on related problems.


Is harmony in the couple realistic?

Life as a couple has become the basis of a blended family, but it is fraught with pitfalls. Each member comes to confront the other, bringing up their past experiences and values. Under these circumstances, is it realistic to hope for harmony in a new couple?

It is important to understand that despite all the precautions taken, the impact of cohabitation is inevitable. Simply put forward ways to:

- communicate more and better;
- allow everyone to express their needs;
- consider the words of the smallest;
- successfully negotiate the new boundaries and agreements to the satisfaction of all;
- be prepared to revise them as needed.

Before embarking on the path of a stepfamily, spouses should know that this choice of life has its challenges, some of which are unavoidable. Yet, happiness in a blended family  is possible, with a little skill and a good dose of maturity.

The new couple dream of harmony

The children stand at the heart of the proposed blended family. Also, the members of a couple hope that bonds of affection develop between them.

Would it be fair to say that they do not live just the same love story as a parent?

For children, the stepfamily brings a dilemma: are they allowed to love the new partner or the new partner with whom they must now live without being disloyal to either of their two parents?

Including the children

This conflict of loyalty cannot be solved by supporting the adults around them. Helping to resolve this impasse is one of the crucial responsibilities accruing to both parents. Sometimes, in order to monopolize the children’s love, some resist the temptation of evil blackmail and this at a time when children are most vulnerable. The children’s hearts are yet big enough to make room for all.

While new partners are working to complete this family project with enthusiasm, the children, they have many other concerns. They have not chosen or decided not to reconstitute a family. Therefore, they need to know:

-  what part of love they receive now that their parent loves someone else;
-  if that bring any changes in their daily lives;
-  what they lose;
-  what they gain.

Preserve your relationship

Children’s needs and concerns, however, should not take precedence over the couple. Indeed, lovers often have little time between preparing meals, supervising homework, baths and extracurricular courses.

The harmony within the new family would not be complete without harmony in the couple. To succeed, we must hang on to moments of intimacy. Why not ask the older to take care of the younger? The solution has the advantage of allowing the couple to find these moments while promoting understanding between children.